Fabio, the taxi cab driver, pulls up in front of Fibro R Us and pounds his fists on the plexi-glass shield to wake up his sleeping patrons. Both of them jump out of their skin and it takes a minute to shake off the fibro daze that comes from a cat nap. Fabio wants his $480. Poindexter reaches under his Snuggie and easily retrieves his wallet from his pants pocket.
"I will give you a hundred dollar tip if you stay here and wait for us," he tells Fabio.
"A hundred and fifty," Fabio smiles, knowing all about fibromites. Half the time they can't even count.
They come to a fair compromise of $124.67. Poindexter slides out of the cab, and helps Norah 'Owie' her way to the sidewalk. She is clearly in 'stun gun' mode and has no idea where they are..or why. Poindexter ushers her inside the store and she comes to life, as the mere sight of a mega plex full of Fibro supplies jump starts her heart.
There is a huge sign hanging directly in front of them, once they enter.
"We, at Fibro R Us, are committed to making your shopping experience comfortable and pain free. For those in sensory over-load you will find complimentary ear plugs and nose clips at register one. To your right, there are motorized scooters, canes, walkers and padded carts for your convenience. Our sales associates are fibro literate but if you cannot articulate the items you are looking for, you will find a pad and pencil hanging from a nail on the end of each aisle that can be used to draw or write whatever it is you are looking for. At the far end of the store, you are welcome to join other shoppers in the Pain Room...a padded, sound proof hideaway where you can scream, complain or whimper without disturbing those around you. A gentle reminder: Please do not poke at items you cannot reach with your cane. There is a red alert button on every shelf that can be used to summon a customer service representative who will be more than happy to help you retrieve your merchandise."
Norah reads this and starts to giggle. "Oh Poindexter..this is soooo much better than Wicker World, no offense."
"None taken, my love. Do you want to walk, or should I get you a Hoveround?"
Norah stares into space for a moment, recalling the last time she used a motorized cart. "Clean up, on aisle three...." Let's do it, Poindexter..Let's walk!"
He takes her ice cold, bony hand and off they go.
Organ music and a commerical for the Slap Chopper. When we return Norah and Poindexter are in aisle four, looking at fibro pain medications.
"Oh Look! What a pretty bottle," Norah says, holding something called Hydromagnoplyophic Acid. "And it says it is good for intense ribcage pain. I have that!"
Poindexter takes the pills away from her and reads the warnings on the label. "Side effects may include explosive diarrhea, fainting upon standing and projectile vommiting." He sets the bottle back on the shelf, as she has already forgotten about it and is looking at an eye bag shrinking concoction.
"Norah Fairchild...we are here to find a new Fibro chair." he tells her.
"But lookie here at this heating pad!," she says, holding a real beauty. It is covered in soft lambs wool, has 14 settings and shuts off automatically after 30 minutes of use." (so you don't fall asleep and burn a hole in your Snuggie)
Well...she DID use her old one for the botched electrocution so this would not be a frivilous purchase. He takes it from her and tucks it under his arm, wishing he had gotten one of those carts with the padded handles.
Oh, what a fabulous store. Soft carpeted floors, no head banging background music...wide aisles with no end caps full of impulse items...but where are the fibro chairs? Ah...Poindexter spots them and they hitch their way to the furniture section.
"Do they sell Milky Way bars in here?" Norah askes the sales associate. He nods, and smiles. "Complimentary bars are available at each register when you check out."
Poindexter spots the perfect chair immediately. Soft suede, goose down cushions and a built in heating pad. He sits in it, for size. OMG...it is fabulous. Would it be to presumptious to buy two? A his and hers? Is he being too optimistic about a possible relationship with a woman who is raking her fingers through the salemans hair?
He coughs, to get attention. Yes...he WILL be optimistic. "We will take two of these....in the burgandy."
" Wise choice," says the salesman. "It's our most popular model. Can I interst you in a matching love seat?"
Poindexter looks at Norah. She is picking at the nap on her Snuggie. "Norah? How about these two chairs and the loveseat," he says.
"Hmmm...who do you think REALLY killed JFK...may he rest in peace" (sign of the cross).
Holy Moly. He makes the decision to buy all three himself, and gives the saleman Norah's address for delivery. He ushers her to the cash register, pays for the items and decides he is just too tired to shop for anything else. Norah grabs a handful of Milky Way bars even though the sign reads 'one to a customer'.
"Can we go into the Screaming Room...just for a minute?" she asks with a pout. "I have a really bad cramp in my neck. A nice OWWWWWIE would reall help."
He sighs, but agrees. The truth is, he wouldn't mind yelping himself. As much as he loves Norah Fairchild, she does have a tendancy to wear him down. But Love...well..'it's never having to say you're sorry'. (gag me) And that is so hard to do when you simply adore a fibromite. They enter the room and let it all out. Ah...that feels good. After several cathartic minutes of howling, he takes her by the elbow and once again attempts to leave the store. On route, she is grabbing at the spring loaded tennis shoes...she NEEDS those, the telescope/cane combo...the battery operated wool socks... "No, No, NO!" he tells her with authority. Who's the man? HE's the man. Finally, outside and headed for the taxi cab that is still parked in the fire lane.
Organ music, fade to black and a commercial for....some kind of knife that can whack through a cinder block or sewer pipe and never lose it's sharpeness.
fibro, menieres disease, RLS, anxiety disorder, disc compression, scoliosis, spinal stenosis TMJ Meds: Lexapro and valium