Consequences of self-inflicted stupidity....

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caligirl2001
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 2/17/2010 12:35 AM (GMT -7)   
I have serious issues with asking for help. It isn't my nature to ask people to help me. I will gladly use some of my limited energy resources to help others, but I can't seem to ask for help for myself. As my husband would word it, I talk in code. I don't say " kids, I need you to do xyz." I say " this living room is a mess" which actually means "Please get off your behinds, put down the x-box controller and clean up your crap! " . Now after 9 years, my husband is pretty well versed in my code and will help with whatever it is I hint at if his code translator is up to snuff. But as he points out, the kids are much less trainable than he is.

I have a relatively new friend coming over tomorrow, and it will be the first time she has been to my house. Naturally, I'd like it to look a bit better than it usually does. I gave up on perfection (for the most part) a long time ago, but the kids had a 4 day weekend , so there was 2 extra days of wear and tear to be caught up on. I also expended a lot of energy yesterday taking the kids to the mall for much needed clothes and shoes, then drove a 3 hour round trip to hear a motivational speaker, this for my own pleasure and mental health, knowing full well that I was biting off a huge chunk that I would likely pay for later. Did I mention that I average 4 hours of sleep per night?

So, today, I'm looking at the house and realizing that the floor has not been mopped in a couple of weeks, and the bathroom that our oldest uses (which happens to be the one guests will use also) has not been cleaned, no one has vacuumed in at least 5 days, and I KNOW I haven't dusted in at least 2 weeks. So what do i do? Do I ask for help? Nooo. I do inform the kids that the house is looking a bit tattered and that I'm having a new friend over tomorrow morning for coffee. Then, I proceed to vacuum the whole downstairs, dust, clean the bathroom, and clean the kitchen twice, because making dinner messed it up again after I did it the first time. And where are my kids, due to my lack of ability to delegate? Playing video games and getting Dad to take them to a store they want to go to. Duh. Now my back is in spasm and I am literally nauseated from the pain. Tomorrow will likely be a BAD day. And it is my husband's birthday. What will he get? A semi-comatose pain riddled potentially cranky pants wife because I apparently am (still) a few french fries short of a happy meal....
Fibromyalgia, High BP, Migraines, Cervical radiculopathy


MommyisQueen
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 2/17/2010 4:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Ahhh I feel your pain. I have a 4 year old son and life is crazy with him. He is in preschool 3 days a weeks until 12:30 and cleaning gets done but sometimes you wouldnt know it. He is very active and at 4 I have him help do things like unload the silverware from the dishwasher and put it up and he will hold the dustpan for me but how many times do I have to say pick up your toys, or put your books up when your done? I talk in code sometimes too. I am at home with my parents because 1 I am a single mom, 2 the economy is horrible and 3 I am a student. Best of luck to you with your family.

Marlee2
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Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 6067
   Posted 2/17/2010 7:28 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm sorry your feeling so miserable. You really need to practice delegating chores to your children and be specific in what you want them to do. If they are old enough to play xbox they are old enough to have a chore list.
 
Hope you feel up to the company.
 
luv and hugs
Marlee
Forum Moderator Fibromyalgia
 
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Melisana
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Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 64
   Posted 2/17/2010 8:16 AM (GMT -7)   

I also have a hard time asking for help.  I don't like to admit that I need help to begin with and then to "burden" someone else with what I want or need to me seems to be asking to much of them.  I am the type of person that I will bend over backwards to help someone else.  If there is one thing that I have learned in the last couple of months it is that I cannot do everything.  I would not expect someone else to do everything so why do I expect myself to do everything.  I have had to realize that I have limitations and I am not invicible like I would like to be.  I have to listen to the limitations of my body(including spiritual and emotional limitations) and take action to still get things taken care of.  Many times that takes asking for help.  This is a very difficult endeaver and proves to be a difficult journey to get there.  I still find myself trying to do everything by myself.  However I also know that if I continue this direction eventually nothing is going to get done at all because no one is a mind reader and they can't know what I need if I don't ask for help.

Take care of yourself because if you don't then you can't do what you like (help others) and you are the only one that can truely take care of you.


MsBunky
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 1097
   Posted 2/17/2010 9:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi caligirl,

I can empathize with you as a mom and a woman - I hate to ask for help. A trick that worked for me when my kids were young was to stop thinking of it as "asking for help" and recognizing that chores are done by all members of the family - not just mom. Work out what you want done, who is responsible, what the time frame is, and what the consequence is if it's not done and then stick to it. No waffling!!

Most kids appreciate having that structure in place and it sounds like your husband is on board so you can present a united front. Just remember...it's not asking for help, it's the family working together.

Take care of yourself

Pam
Conditions: Fibromyalgia, Chronic Pelvic Pain, FAI, Reynauds, IBS, Surgical Adhesions, Ophthalmic Migraines
(plus physically unable to vomit due to Nissen, and I have extremely tiny veins...a joy for blood work or IV's)
Surgeries: Appendix, Uterus, Nissen Fundoplication for GERD, Left Ovary, Gallbladder, Right Ovary, TVT
Medications: Oxycontin, Tramacet, Cymbalta, Nortriptyline
Other: Vitamin D, Multi-Vitamin


caligirl2001
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 2/17/2010 5:16 PM (GMT -7)   
I made a chore list today. My 13 year old is on board and understands. I think it's the 21 year old that will be more of an issue, but I'll be letting his father handle that one. He fancies himself more of a "renter" who shouldn't have to do anything because he pays us a small amount of money to cover the expense of having him here (which hasn't been paid in 6 weeks) but guess who has still had a bed and food to eat? He's a bit delusional to think a maid comes with the deal. I haven't been too happy with him since he pulled the "I work all day so I'm tired when I come home" card on me.... grrrr.

They all know that I don't feel well. I am usually down at least 1 day per week with a migraine, which only adds to the fatigue I already feel. I think I've just finally come to the end of my rope. I had to finish cleaning the house this morning. I am supposing the 21 year old wasn't happy when I vacuumed at 8:15, but he would have been woken up by the gardener's leaf blower 10 minutes later anyways! hehehe. And if I'd had the help I needed yesterday, I wouldn't have had to vacuum this morning.
Fibromyalgia, High BP, Migraines, Cervical radiculopathy


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 2/17/2010 7:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Time to wake up, eh??? That is too funny. I am glad that you did that. Like you say if he would of helped you yesterday, he could still be sleeping.

I am glad to hear that you are deligating chores. You do need the help. And it is good for them to so that they can learn responsiblilty.

Kudos to you...

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


TressiaN
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 52
   Posted 2/17/2010 8:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Caligirl, When i read your post it was like you were talking about me. I have 5 kids (older now), but when they were little and my health was better they knew if they didn't help clean the house that I would do it. Now that they are older they still expected me to do it. I still have an 18 year old , still in high school, and just had my 30 year old move back in because he lost his job because of the ecconomy and they were running me ragged. One day i was watching Dr. Phil and he said something that stuck with me. YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU and i realized i had started something that i could not keep up. I sat both my boys down and told them they were adults now and that I am in bad health and I need help. I should have started when they were younger and it would have not gotten to this point. I told them they could either help make things easier on me or I would make things harder on them. They didnt believe me at first until i proved my point. now they do things around the house and i am not so stressed or in as much pain as before. As someone else posted chores are done by all members of the family. It sounds like you are heading in the right direction, never be afraid to ask for help.
 Diagnosed with -FM, Degenerative disc disease, spinal stenosis, arthritis, Lupus., undifferentiated connective tissue disease. 
Medications- Plaquanil, 800 Ibuprofen, Lortab, Cymbalta 


caligirl2001
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 2/17/2010 8:44 PM (GMT -7)   
The 21 year old has informed us that HE will not be helping out around the house or doing any chores because HE is an ADULT. I am, needless to say LIVID. I guess since I'm an adult, I don't have to do any either? It's my husband's birthday, so I don't want any argument, but for someone who has lived under our roof and been fed despite being "unable" to pay us a measly $300 a month to cover the expense of having him here for 6 weeks now, I think he is a bit big for his britches. He already resents having to pay us anything, convinced it can't possibly cost $300 per month to house, feed and provide utilities for him. He has lived here 6 months, never bought laundry detergent, never bought toothpaste, shampoo, soap or any other necessity of life. He has occasionally been asked to help clean up and does so with a crappy attitude and zero gratitude. Considering he paid $420 per month previously just to rent a room, he has a SWEET deal here considering he pays no cable, no phone, no nothing.

So for posting a chore list, we have all been gifted with the silent treatment, and an atmosphere of tension. All for asking him to clean his bathroom 2x per week, vacuum once and do dishes one night per week.
Fibromyalgia, High BP, Migraines, Cervical radiculopathy


Chutz
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 9090
   Posted 2/17/2010 9:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Cali,

I do understand the predicament you are in since I am guilty myself of doing the same in the past...OK, once in a while I still do it. BUT, it is your choice just as much as it was mine. Please take this as tough love from someone who did way too much of this....

If you don't get the kids on board then they will keep walking all over you and taking advantage of the situation. And that 21 year old??? If he's going to announce that he isn't doing any chores then YOU can announce that he no longer gets a warm bed to sleep in, meals, or even a roof over his head! I would be livid too but somewhere he gets the idea that mom will do it all...didn't we? Is hubby still living there??? Why is he letting this happen? Since when do the kids rule the house? Those video games would go under lock and key or in the trash. They're not a requirement to living. And the TV ...turned off and the cable unplugged also. Would save a bunch of money too. We grew up without any of that stuff and we never lacked for something to do. If we got bored then there were plenty of chores that would be assigned.

Again, I've been guilty of the same type of thing until I realized what I was doing...I was doing my kids a terrible disservice. I was teaching them to not be self reliant. I was teaching them that women/moms are to be used and not respected. And I was teaching them that their own fun is more important than anything else in the world. Once I realized what would happen to my kids as adults it all changed. Today they are good, hard working kids who respect others including their family. Making kids to chores, and especially to clean up after themselves is probably the best lessons you can ever give your child...and it shows love they will understand once they are truly an adult. I learned but it wasn't easy.

With warm hugs and respect...
Chutz
"Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, but Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad."

(\_/)
(o.o)
(> <) Co-Moderator Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Forums
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TressiaN
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 52
   Posted 2/17/2010 9:45 PM (GMT -7)   
caligirl, I have to say amen to the last post (chutz), After your husbands birthday, you can inform your son that since he is an adult he can move out like an adult. Just remember we may have caused part of the problem because we didn't want to ask for help, but we can always change it at any time. Hang in there and stay tough.
 Diagnosed with -FM, Degenerative disc disease, spinal stenosis, arthritis, Lupus., undifferentiated connective tissue disease. 
Medications- Plaquanil, 800 Ibuprofen, Lortab, Cymbalta 


caligirl2001
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 2/17/2010 10:59 PM (GMT -7)   
I appreciate all the advice and you are all right. I do have myself to blame for allowing it to continue as long as I have. I just kept keeping it in and now I'm paying for that because it is affecting my health. I got along fine with my step son until he moved in. And it is causing problems with my husband to have him here. My husband's ex moved the 21 year old 1000 miles away when he was 6 and then spent 12 years doing everything she could to try to come between them. So when my step son talked about moving in with Dad, my husband saw it as a chance to spend some time with him to make up for what he didn't have before. And I wanted so much to make him happy. I thought I could handle this. I knew my step son had issues, but I had NO idea how much they would impact all of us and that they were so much worse than I anticipated. Rather than being able to help him, I've hurt myself and in the process my 2 kids because Mom is sicker and more stressed out than I have been in years.

My husband doesn't like a lot of what he sees either, but he just so desperately wants his son as part of daily life that he can't see the full negative impact.

But here is my quandary: if I don't roll over, and essentially swallow all of my frustrations and pretend to be calm and peaceful about everything (and I doubt that my doctor will give me enough xanax to induce THAT state of being), I will be held responsible for him moving out (not that he could afford to at the moment, but that is another story). And my husband does blame me for not "trying harder" He says I have always been calm one, the voice of reason, but since my step son moved in, I seem to have lost my patience and ability to be the voice of reason. He is right. I AM different. Because I didn't get an adult in the house who contributes, I got another kid to referee who thinks he's an adult but acts like my 13 year old. So now, I carry my health issues, and the stress of knowing that if he decides to move out, my husband will blame me. We had friends advise us that it wasn't a good idea to have him move in, but we chose to have him do it anyways- curse me and my optimistic sunshine-and-happiness-everything-will-be-fine (previous)way of looking at life. Our friends were dead on. It was a mistake. And we have yet to see exactly what it will cost us.

And my husband's birthday has been marred by a fight and ended with me in tears with a migraine and everyone unhappy.
Fibromyalgia, High BP, Migraines, Cervical radiculopathy


TressiaN
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 52
   Posted 2/17/2010 11:53 PM (GMT -7)   
carligirl, I totaly understand, my 30 year old is actually my step-son. And my husband did not have him in his life much either. He also wanted to make up for all those years of not having him in his life. I was worried the same way you are now. You don't have to be the bad guy in this situation, you and your husband have to be on the same page and work together, Just have a talk with your husband, tell him you want his son to be in his life, and that you love your step-son as much as he does. All your asking is that he help around the house as part of the family.
Our 5 kids are what you call his, mine, ours. And in order for it to work me and my husband had to stick together and not let the kids devide us, and trust me they tried. Talk to your husband and let him deal with his son on this situation. If your husband loves you he will not let his son take advantage of you.
Please remember you have to do what is right for you, these are only suggestions from my own experience. these situations are hard but you have your health to worry about now. My prayers will be with you.
    We seen to have a lot in common, If you would like to talk further please feel free to contact me.
 


 Diagnosed with -FM, Degenerative disc disease, spinal stenosis, arthritis, Lupus., undifferentiated connective tissue disease. 
Medications- Plaquanil, 800 Ibuprofen, Lortab, Cymbalta 

Post Edited (TressiaN) : 2/18/2010 1:15:22 AM (GMT-7)


caligirl2001
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 2/18/2010 10:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Today, I lost an entire day to another migraine. And my 13 year told me that my step son has told him that he thinks I fake them to get out of cleaning... I guess that explains why, when he found me laying on the floor today 5 feet from my bed (I had crawled to the bathroom, but the pain was too bad for me to make it back to the bed, so I slept on the floor for an hour) he could say " oh, ok." in a condescending tone and then tell me that he couldn't find me an ice pack that I had asked for an hour and a half before.

My 13 year old also has migraines, so he understands what I go through. I always say that I would never wish a migraine on anyone, but I may have to take that back. Just ONCE, I think the step son should experience what a migraine really feels like so that he can get over the notion that it is just a headache. Yes, I have spent $550 on doctors appointments and prescriptions (uninsured) so far this year because I don't want to do the dishes.... eyes
Fibromyalgia, High BP, Migraines, Cervical radiculopathy


daisyj
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 2/19/2010 6:52 AM (GMT -7)   

((((Caligirl))))) I feel your pain! I dont have any advise for you really.

My husband will NOT help out around the house at all and I dont have kids there to mess things up but my husband makes a big enough mess for 4 or 5 kids. I cant deligate the chores... its just me. I do all the cleaning. I have begged him for help and NOTHING. (Ok calming down those resentment issues)

Anyhow, I told him that if someone comes to the door, I refuse to let them in. If the house catches on fire, oh well, firemen are not coming in and seeing that mess and if he passes out. I will drag him out on the porch for the EMS to pick up. devil  I am sick and tired of NO help.

I have decided to take care of MY stuff and put my things away let him wallow in his own mess. He doesnt know it yet, but I am moving into spare bedroom this weekend because I cannot stand the smell of his diry clothes lying around on the floor. He refuses to put them in the laundry hamper and I am NOT picking them up any more. My next move will be out of the house.

Marriage should be a 50/50 deal and if one is sick and not able to do something, they shouldnt be made fun of. When he hurt his shoulder, I helped him, but when I have a flare up, he says well, the housework will wait until you feel better.

I am sorry ... I am just so angry and depressed.

 


~Daisy J~
Fibromyalgia, Chronic pain, anxiety & depression and 5 Herniated disc. (3 in lower back; 2 in neck)

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