fell to pieces today!!

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lostspirt
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 4/8/2010 5:34 PM (GMT -7)   

I am struggling to remind myself that it is spring as I use to love the warm weather,the flowers,going to the pool,riding my bike,and those beautiful horses I rode!!..Its all gone!!.I tell myself that there is a difference between the oppressive dark that settles upon me  in  depression, and unhappiness. I can be depressed, I can and not be, strictly speaking, sad, or unhappy. But I have lost my many masks along the fibro steps!!  There  is a difference between the dark clouds of depression, which settle upon the horizon of my psyche and linger there, casting shadows, and the rain that comes with sadness, that comes in short or long bursts, that falls lightly or heavily, that pelts my heart and dampens my spirit...where is that sprit!! And unhappiness, I say, is another thing entirely. I might be depressed, . I also might be sad, because the sadness – the sadness related to grief, the sadness related to dread and worry – it comes and it goes and it doesn’t announce itself. But I wonder if i am  not unhappy, in any meaningful sense. No that's not true I am unhappy though, I can still smile. I still laugh. It’s just that, sometimes, I am overcome by the dark

  AND...........these past months I have been in this deep dark pit,pulling myself up little by little.........But today I fell back down and hard.!!  I have no control over how in this body of mine..  that does what it pleases with no warning!! This has been one of those days that I just want to crawl into a grave!! I can not deal with this fibro fog. hell I have ADD and I finally have that under control,but  please someone tell me if this non thinking brain,cluttered brain, unorganized brain and the worse for me this unintelligent brain Is  this my life now!! The things I do that piss me off, that costs to be fixed,things I should know better not to do. Hell I had to text my daughter to spell a word for me today. couldn't even find it in the dictionary under how I So many different ways tried to spell it. and to think that it was not such a hard word to spell really sucks!! 

Don't be so hard on yourself I am told...ok I say Just one day you can live in my body and when you get your body back. I bet you will run from me LOL!!

 I am so overwhelmed,lonely and depressed ..Maybe its time to see a therapist,though  what would I say that he./she could even understand about my unreliable body?

  god give me strength

Lostspirt(Lee)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------fibro, lupus?? mitral valve prolapse, Sjogerns, deficient in Vit,d degentive (sp)joint disease,

Ibs,Tendinitis(sp)  PTSD, copd, BLAH  BLAH


crazykitty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 4796
   Posted 4/8/2010 6:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Lee, I wish there was a way I could reach out give you a hug. Your words truly touched
me. You are grieving for your old life and I can feel your pain. You are frightened and I can
sense your your fear. I too went through a mourning period and I think it is natural.

We all have our own time table to grieve and mourn the loss of good health. If it is prolonged
it can be a slippery slope into a downward spiral of emotional anguish. If you feel the need
to see a therapist, do not hesitate. Your emotional health is vital to your physical health.

I know it can be very overwhelming when there is uncertainty about your health, but you must
have faith in yourself. One thing I have learned from my illnesses, I am a lot stronger than I
ever thought. I believe we all are!

It does take time to accept whatever diagnosis comes your way but you will find that you will
deal with it because you must. You will find there is much happiness beyond the horizon of fear.
Take one day at a time and believe things will get better, they will.

Sending gentle hugs and prayer!

Robin


Fibromyalgia, MCTD (Lupus, Scleroderma & RA) Raynaud's, Osteoporosis,
Osteoarthritis, Degenerative Disc Disease, Migraines, and Hypertension
Prescription Meds: Savella, Cyclobenzaprine, Methotrexate, Diltiazem, Boniva,
Folic Acid.  OTC Meds: Multi-vitamin. Vit, D, Vitamin B12 & calciim supplements
 
 


Acheybody
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 5930
   Posted 4/8/2010 8:01 PM (GMT -7)   
What Robin said goes for me too, Lee - you are obviously intelligent and your words are poetic - however unintelligent you may think your brain is!! Therapy is not a bad thing. It's nothing to fear or be ashamed of, and can really help. The fibrofog threads on this forum are a good reminder to all of us that we are not the only ones who do incomprehensible things or think nonsensical thoughts. Spring has always been my favorite time too; I hate that I can't get out there in the soil and make things grow, etc. But I can appreciate what's already there.

I don't remember (see what I mean?) if you gave your age and what it is. In my late twenties, I didn't know if I was dying or crazy, but I had terrible pain. I finally got the fibro diagnosis at age 36. I had a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I had to live more as an older person. By now, at 55, it's not as far out of whack, though it's still not easy. My family goes on skiing, camping, and bicycling vacations. I stay home. All 3 of my kids are good skiers and I've never gotten to see them do it. So I try to concentrate on what I can do and enjoy the things we can do together. Stress increases my pain a lot so I try to avoid it - pace myself - and reach out to others when I'm well enough. I wish you the best and hope you keep coming on the forum.
Debbie
 
Diagnosed: Fibromyalgia, Meniere's, mild liver damage (why?), keloid scar tissue (from burn) on back, arthritis, lumbar disc damage, IBS, migraine
 
Meds: Nortriptyline, Clonazepam, Darvocet as needed
multivitamins, l-lysine, probiotics, magnesium, malic acid, calcium + vit. D, vit. C
 
Chiropractic adjustments


TressiaN
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 52
   Posted 4/8/2010 10:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Lee, so sorry you are struggling so hard right now. I think we all go through it at times. When I first found out that i had fibro and dealing with the pain, I became very depressed also. Thank God i found this forum because this is what got me through the hard times. I decided to get some therapy and it has helped me a great deal. I finally realized i was not loosing my life, I only had a different life. As far as the fibro fog we could tell you some crazy stories about the silly things we have done. We just learn to laugh at ourselves and our stories make others laugh. Remember you are not alone in this and stick with us and we can help you through it. And this forum can get very addictive, but it can help alot. Hope you get to feeling better, and know that we are here for you.

Tressia
 Diagnosed with -FM, Degenerative disc disease, spinal stenosis, arthritis, Lupus., undifferentiated connective tissue disease. 
Medications- Plaquanil, 800 Ibuprofen, Lortab, Cymbalta 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 4/9/2010 5:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Lee,

Yes fibro can be very depressing. We have to concentrate on the good things, they are there though sometimes hard to find.

Always feel free to visit the depression forum. I moderate over there and it is a good supportive place to go.

I hope that you are feeling better today.

Hugs, Karen.

Sorry this is so short, but my dog is making it impossible for me to type.
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


council lady
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 137
   Posted 4/9/2010 6:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Lee, I'm sorry you are going thru such a rough time, are you able to go sit in the park and watch the kids play and just feel the warm sun on you? That usually helps me, just to go sit in the sun and watch nature. Take care.
 
Fibromyalgia,  RLS, IBS, bulging discs,
 
Cymbalta,  Vit B12 shots,  2000 IU Vit D3


Acheybody
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 5930
   Posted 4/9/2010 1:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Are you feeling any better today? I hope so!
Debbie
 
Diagnosed: Fibromyalgia, Meniere's, mild liver damage (why?), keloid scar tissue (from burn) on back, arthritis, lumbar disc damage, IBS, migraine
 
Meds: Nortriptyline, Clonazepam, Darvocet as needed
multivitamins, l-lysine, probiotics, magnesium, malic acid, calcium + vit. D, vit. C
 
Chiropractic adjustments


lostspirt
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 4/14/2010 6:00 AM (GMT -7)   
 Thank you all for your replies.I never was able to put Mourn into my situation,but now I relize that is exactly what I am doing. Doesn't feel good at all!! I want to get to that place where I feel like I haven't lost my life it's just going to be a different life. I sit and think way to much,and forget that there are things that I am grateful for..so that is where I am starting,it has to be better than all these dark thoughts
 Thanks again everyone,
I don't feel so alone in all of this
 Lee(lostspirt)

Luvzminis
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 2568
   Posted 4/15/2010 6:34 PM (GMT -7)   
I find I have had to change a LOT of things in my life, and I, too, miss them.  However, I try to replace them with things I CAN do, and I have found many new interests.
 
If I alternate sitting with standing/walking, I can accomplish more, it seems.  So don't totally give up on all your 'old' activities.  Do what you can, and replace the ones you must leave behind with new interests. You might discover a hidden talent you had all along!
 
Best of luck and God bless! Praying for you.
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