MIL Arrives tomorrow

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Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 7/21/2010 6:00 PM (GMT -6)   
I am kind of dreading it. It isn't that she is evil, so it could be worse, but she is extremely self centered. She needs to be constantly entertained, so it is very draining. She has fibro as well, but has plenty of energy to go and do everything, doesn't seem affected by it in the least. She gets a good nights sleep every night, I have chronic insomnia. She hates to cook, and would prefer that we eat out every meal so that she doesn't feel obligated to offer to help(and yes, she has actually said this to me out loud). Plus, eating out with her is a holy nightmare. She is very picky, this isn't cooked right, that's not right, this tastes funny, etc. We don't eat out much anyway, both because of budget constraints and the fact that I have to eat gluten free, and that limits where we can go, so it is easier to cook here because there is no risk of my getting sick. We've pre-warned her that we won't be eating out while she is here this time. It's just so different from when my parent's visit. When my parents come, the load is lightened because my mom and I cook together, clean together, etc. With my MIL, I know that it's just one extra person that I have to do for. It isn't that we don't love her, but it's exhausting. So while she is full of energy and always wants to be on the go, I on the other hand am in constant pain and it just saps my energy to begin with, so adding the stress of worrying about entertaining her to all of it is making me feel exhausted already and she isn't even here yet. And I'm in the middle of a costochondritis flare up and my chest is killing me.

The last time she visited a couple of years ago, our son woke up crying in the middle of the night. Granted, he was 4, and had just had a nightmare, but she did hear him first because she was still awake and we were asleep. When we asked her the next day if she had heard him, she said " Yes. I was going to go see what was wrong, but then I decided it wasn't my problem so I didn't bother." shakehead

Thanks for listening to the rant. I know it isn't that big of a deal, and minor in comparison to a lot of the issues that others have going on.
Fibromyalgia, High BP, Migraines, anxiety, Non Celiac Gluten Intolerant
Current medications: Topamax, Maxalt, Lotrel, Wellbutrin

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 554
   Posted 7/21/2010 7:22 PM (GMT -6)   
:-O Oh my gosh. She is quite self centered isn't she? And she isn't shy about telling you just how she wants her visit to go. What sort of reaction do you think she'd have if you gave her a frank statement like she gave you? I mean, when she said "she would prefer that we eat out every meal so that she doesn't feel obligated to offer to help" - what if you said, "I'd prefer you went out to eat too, so I didn't have to wait on you like a servant."

Yikes! She's one tough cookie - and not in a good way.

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 447
   Posted 7/21/2010 8:39 PM (GMT -6)   
I can sort of relate to what you are saying. My MIL is very selfish in a way. Take this for example on the 30 July we have our daughters engagement party. We will be busy all day and my DH has something he just has too do for 2 hours that morning. So what does my MIL do she arranges to have an operation for her sunspots [I can't spell what it reallyis] Now we have tpo drive to pick her up she lives half an hour from us. Then my DH goes and does his work while she sees her spelistist. I am expected to go along with her.
Now once a week sometimes she wants to go shopping, so it is out to get her then we are in the shops to 5.30 or later that day. Why do I go with well I stopped , but my husband does not want to do this by himself. You my say well she is his mother and she is not real well.
My husband is the oldest of 9 there are 8 still living. Plus a swag of Grandchildren, so why us all th time. She baby sits for one of my SIL'S but will she take up some off the work NEVER.
I AM GETTING VERY FED UP WITH THE WHOLE THING, MIL's don't you just love them, but from far away, and seldom heard from and even less seen.
Once upon a time we where quite close, but not now.


Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 7/21/2010 9:14 PM (GMT -6)   
shakehead  My MIL is so uhmm..trying,as well. What we do for those we love. I know this will be very trying, just hang in there. If you stress yourself out before she gets here, knowing she will stress you out more once she IS here,  will only make your pain, and insomnia intensify. Before you know it she will be gone, and you'll be back to normal. That's so easy to say isn't it? People always tell me that I just passed the advice along. What you'd really like to do, is go off to a spa and be pampered, only interupted by the phone call letting you know she had left, I know. Good luck, and vent often! tongue

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 1556
   Posted 7/21/2010 9:53 PM (GMT -6)   
So sorry cali that you have to deal with your mother-in-law coming. I completely understand. My mother-in-law and I got along but not well enough to be under the same roof for very long.
I hope the time she is there goes quickly for you.
Gentle Hugs
DX: Fibro, Gerds, COPD, Osteoarthritis, Osteoporosis, High Blood Pressure, and Depression.
When I get where Im going dont cry for me down here. (Brad Paisley & Dolly Parton)

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 439
   Posted 7/22/2010 10:08 AM (GMT -6)   
tell your MIL:

"oh, you'd prefer to eat out? I'm afraid that our budget doesn't cover the whole family eating out, but here is $5. You're welcome to go out on your own."

Why don't you just order pizza? or is there some kind of frozen meal she will eat you can stock up on before she arrives?

See, where I come from, guests should be grateful for what they are given and not complain unless they are allergic or have other dietary restrictions.

How about having the hubby talk to her? She is his mother after all.

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 7/23/2010 10:41 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks everyone for the replies. It is nice to have a place like this to come to and know that you will be able to find someone who knows how you are feeling!

I wish it were as simple as talking with her. A lot of the way she is stems from experiences she has had in her life that were traumatic. She doesn't use them as excuses, and in many ways she is very strong, but I know she is the way she is because of those experiences. That, and knowing she isn't being malicious when she does these things is the only reason I can be as patient as I am when I am in her presence. I can gently point things out here and there, and I do from time to time. I just don't expect any of it to stick. So as annoyed as we get with her, both my husband and I know that we are better off venting to each other and elsewhere - and knowing we can shake our heads and laugh at the stories later once the irritation passes. Too bad I don't have any xanax right now!! I could use it. I wonder if my doctor would consider a visit from the MIL a reason to call in an emergency RX without an in office visit, lol.

Day one is done. She went off with my step son for a while, so that broke up the evening a bit. Other than some personal space invasion, as I call it, it went okay. Having people in my personal space triggers panic attacks, and most people who know me are aware of this and make sure that they don't hover in my space. But tonight while I was doing dishes, she somehow felt it necessary to literally be at my elbow to talk to me, including being between me and the dishwasher while I was at the sink trying to load dishes into the dishwasher, which isn't easy, given that they are right next to each other. I did manage to keep from hyperventilating, but just barely. I was on the verge of tears the whole time trying to control my reaction. When I told my husband later, he apologized for not noticing because he would have rescued me. On to day two! Which consists of driving her an hour away to her daughters house for a visit with her other grandkids for the afternoon. At least it will provide a distraction.
Fibromyalgia, High BP, Migraines, anxiety, Non Celiac Gluten Intolerant
Current medications: Topamax, Maxalt, Lotrel, Wellbutrin

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 686
   Posted 7/24/2010 6:41 AM (GMT -6)   
I'd be fine with my MIL visiting - but my mom.....eeeeks!

I hope things go well for you. It's great how supportive your husband is. Just hang in there and the visit will soon be over.
DX fibromyalgia 2007, osteoarthritis, obsessive-compulsive disorder OCD, depression, anxiety, sleep apnea, hysterectomy.

fluoxetine (prozac), abilify, trazodone, lorazepam, nabumetone, hydrocodone, c-pap machine.

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