It is hotter than the southern tip of Hell and a storm is brewing. Thunderheads are gathering on the horizon, black and plump with rain. Helen and Shirley can feel it coming and have decided to cancel their trip to the Pepperidge Farm Outlet for day old Milano Mints. Instead they are in Helen's kitchen sitting on heating pads, playing Scrabble. Shirley uses all her letters and spells Jutzquex on a triple word score...345 points.
"I challenge...there is no such word," Helen says.
"There certainly is. It's the ultra magnetic, anti gravitational field found deep in a Black Hole. You should watch the Science Channel once in awhile." Shirley replies, knowing her friend can never catch up. She also knows there really IS no such word and chuckles to herself. Besides, she let Helen use Flipshaw. Helen thinks it one of those carts used in the Orient to transport people around. It's JUST a game after all.
Shirley knows she cannot be beaten and says she is bored with Scrabble. She picks up a copy of Hunka Hunka Burning Love Magazine and turns to the personal ads in the back. Helen buys it for the 'stories'.
"You know, dearie, just because we are fibromites doesn't mean we shouldn't enjoy the company of a nice man once in awhile," Shirley says. "Listen to this one."
'Mature single man looking for companion with similar interests. I enjoy watching old movies, reading novels by a roaring fire and carving exotic animals out of soap.'
Helen rolls her eyes. "You have to read between the lines. He's an old geezer with one foot in the grave. I want excitement. I
can do all those boring things by myself." She grabs the magazine.
"Here we go! ' Middle aged Dude looking for Dudette who has never been incarcerated. Must like to slam dance, go on cross country motor cycle rallies and be good with a gun. Tattoes and body piercings a plus.'
Shirley is slack jawed. Good with a gun. Helen couldn't lift a gun, let alone shoot it. "Yeah, you go for that one. I don't believe you have slam danced in over a month," she says sarcastically.
Helen closes the magazine. " Shirley, how do I look...honestly...do I look, you know...normal?"
'Well, stand up and let me give you a once over." Shirley tells her friend. Helen hikes herself out of the chair.
After a few moments Shirley clears her throat and says: "Your shoes are on the wrong feet and you could use some nair over your upper lip. Other than that you look lovely."
Helen sighs and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. It's no moustache but cocoa from breakfast. The she sits back down and puts her shoes on correctly. No wonder her calves were in a spasm.
Shirkey stands up. "Now you look at me...tell me the truth."
Helen obliges. "Well, your long johns are hanging below the hem of your slacks and I do believe your shirt is inside out. Nothing major, dear. You are quite fetching, and any man would be lucky to have you."
The lights are flickering and rain is starting to slap against the windows in sheets. Incredibily, there is a knock at the door. Helen gimps across the room, peeks through the window and opens it. It is Frank, her next door neighbor. He has lost power and wonders if Helen might have a candle or two to spare. Of course she has candles but where are they? She looks in her candle drawer...nothing. Then the freezer, silverware tray and she finally finds several in the coffee canister. Shirley, in the meantime is giving old Frank a good look-see. He's not bad, not bad at all. She has seen him from a distance before, but never close up.
After he leaves, Shirley says. "I think Frank is very handsome...a keeper if you ask me."
Helen groans. "He has a hernia...for Pete's sake...wears a truss. I have seen it when he bends down to pull weeds."
Shirley throws her arms up in the air. "WE ARE FIBROMITES! In the middle of the summer we wear sock caps, whale blubber parka's and thermal underwear! When we get up in the morning we feel like we have been beaten with a meat mallet and our arms and legs have been stuck in a bee hive!"
Helen crosses her arms...owie. 'And your POINT is?"
"Well...a hernia seems like nothing...it's not like he is covered in boils..."
There is a giant clap of thunder and both women jump two feet in the air...double owie. But it has diverted their attention.
"I know...let's dye our hair green. I think we would look totally excellent," Helen says with a smile.
Shirley agrees. It WOULD be totally excellent.
Finding true love will just have to wait for another day. Besides. Helen should be getting her latest copy of 'I'm Handsome, Rich and Full of Myself" magazine in a few days. No gun freaks in there.
fibro, menieres disease, RLS, anxiety disorder, disc compression, scoliosis, spinal stenosis TMJ Meds: valium Advil
Reach out and touch someone. If they don't touch you back it's because you still have brownie batter on your face.
Post Edited (vestabula) : 7/25/2010 9:33:11 AM (GMT-6)