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kathydownunder
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 447
   Posted 7/30/2010 9:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you everyone for your good wishes.
We arrived home at 1.30am the party was wonderful if noise is any indicator of how the party went everybody had a great time.
Seeing my sister after 18 years was wonderful she ended up in tears we talked for hours and she is coming down for a weekend in September to see all the rest of the extended family she has not see in almost 30 years.
My mother has a lot to answer for. Tonight my sister sat down beside her and my mother who has not seen her in 26 years would not speak to her. Its my mothers loss. So we talked my sister ended up in tears but we have finally cleared up the misunderstanding my mother caused all those years ago. And my wonderful husband and BIL are now planning a party to get the kids all together. And my youngest son has been given a great job if he wants it.
I feel great not sore and even with the flashing lights they had going I have not go a migraine. Since I started on the Baclofen I have not needed to take anything for a migraine.
My little girl looked wonderful and my boys [22 and 26] made everyone feel welcome they are like their father they have never meet a stranger. As my sister told me I should be very proud of them. And she could not get over our DD. She had 3 boys also but was unable to have anymore.
 
Kathy who is all partied out, but in NO PAIN

TheChickenPrincess
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 554
   Posted 7/30/2010 9:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Hurray for you, Kathy! smilewinkgrin

This just sounds so wonderful in every way.

And you're right, it is your mother's loss. nono

I'm glad the rest of you didn't let her drag you down. yeah

Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17097
   Posted 7/30/2010 9:39 AM (GMT -7)   
It does sound like you had an especially wonderful time and I'm sooo happy for you.  It's amazing how "misunderstandings" in families can fester and all lose out.  That really is a shame.  Your Mother has some issues, for sure, but she knows whatever she did.  The important thing is you are reunited with  your sister and her family.  Your Mom probably isn't happy about that but that's too bad.  You said that your mother had a lot to answer for.  If it were me, I'd just take pity on her.  This way you will never have any guilty feelings once she is no longer here but you will have your now extended family!
 
So glad you enjoyed yourself and had no pain!
 
Sherrine
Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
***********************
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7


kathydownunder
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 447
   Posted 7/30/2010 9:51 AM (GMT -7)   
It is rally hard to get close to my mother, maybe it was the way she was brought up I don't know. From things she has said to me after I finally told her one of my unncles abused me as a child I had repressed that memory until after we got married. Any how I am sure my grandfather abused my mother. And my sister agreed tonight it made sense of things she told us as we were growing up. My parents never loved each other it was arranged by bother of their families. Money was exchanged from what has been said to me from my parents and some of my uncles and Aunts. I can tel you there was not a time in my life or my sisters when we can remember them ever being nice to each other. After my younger sister was born they never shared a bed again.
So as my sister said tonight we had a very tough upbring. But as we agreed it has made us better parents. Because we know what it is like never having our parents love us. Only once in my life has my mother ever told me she loved me. It was after she had been to see a counciler for some things in her life.
My Dad well he is a very sad person who is showing his age [84] and is fast losing what little mind he had left after all the drinking he has done in his life. Just ask him he never had a drinking problem.
Kathy

Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17097
   Posted 7/30/2010 10:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh, Kathy, that is such a sad story.  I bet she never felt loved in her life so that's probably why she responded to you children that way.  She didn't know anything else!  Maybe you and your sister can teach her about love.  It's never too late....same with your father.  Life is too short so make the most of it.
 
Again, I'm thrilled that you and your sister have bonded again.  Your family and hers will bond, too and the family will carry on with a much more loving attitude. 
 
Sherrine
Forum Moderator/ Fibromyalgia
***********************
Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Diabetes, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Osteoporosis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7


kathydownunder
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 447
   Posted 7/30/2010 10:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Sherrine
I have tried over and over again she just does not want us to love her even trying she rejects it. My kids do not go to see her because she just wants to talk about my youngest sister to her no one else matters even though she does not talk to Mum often and lives 3 hours away. She works in such a way she gets 4 days off every two weeks and has no interest in seeing our mother. Mum wanted to more nearer to her and she put a stop to that very fast. My mother is the type off person who went to the party tonight and would not talk to anyone. No matter how much everyone tried to get her to mix she sat on a lounge chair and didn't want to talk to anyone which meant I sat with her and didn't get to talk to our friends who where there.
No my mother has only one person who interest her and that is her.
I have excepted that I will never be close to my mother, it hurts my kids to see someone who will not talk to her great granddaughter. Our son brought her to see my mother and see turned her back on that little girl and wound not even look at her. My mother tried to make a bit deal of her heart tonight which didn't work as she has panic attacks and then tells everyone she needs to go to the hospital which does not work with us I have talked to her doctors. It is jst Mums way of making sure she gets what she wans. So it is not really panic attacks then she brings them on herself as the doctors at our local ER now have written on her file.
The only person mum cares about is herself. My MIL a Aunt who is related to her as well. Her words to me are your mothe will never change sh was like that growing up.
I just get on with my life and just think off all the things she is missing with our families.
Even Christmas is a drama. My kids who make a big deal over Christmas will not go there anymore.

Kathy

Libby08
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 434
   Posted 7/30/2010 10:37 AM (GMT -7)   
So glad to hear this event went well.  Sounds like it was close to perfect.  Thanks for letting us know.  I'm so glad you're in no pain too. 

TheChickenPrincess
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 554
   Posted 7/30/2010 11:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Kathy, I'm very sorry about the abuse you suffered. I understand, believe me.

I don't think it is wrong at all to NOT work on helping your mother overcome her problems. It is RIGHT to work on yourself and have your own life. You may want to read about various personality disorders - as it might be possible that your mother has one. There is on in specific called Narcissistic Personality Disorder that I believe my mother has. It also then often extends to the other direct family members - there will be favorities (golden children who can do no wrong) and scapegoats (children who can never do right in the eyes of the parent no matter what). A true narcissistic parent is only interested in either admiration, or pity - both of which puts the attention squarely on them. Drama will be enacted at any chance to bring attention back to them. Narcissistic mothers often pit their own children against eachother - and thrive when they cause the children not to talk directly, but all communication must come through the mother so they can control more. It is a long complicated subject. I knew from first hand experience - and am a member of a group that is helping me understand what is going on - how the abuse affected/affects me - and how I can survive it. Maybe your mom doesn't have it - but be SURE to put yourself FIRST. People who haven't experienced this may think a daughter should serve the mother - but in the case of the destructive parent, this is harmful to us.

Be careful.

Again - so glad you reunited with your sister and her family. This can only be good!

sotiredoffibro
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 1556
   Posted 7/30/2010 11:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kathy just wanted to say Im relieved to hear that everything went well and you and that you arent in pain. I am also so glad that you were able to have a wonderful visit with your sister. I cant imagine being apart for 18 years. I had a fight with my sister once that lasted 3 years and that seemed like forever. Im sorry your mom is the way she is. My mom was so loving and caring. I cant even imagine what it was like for you growing up. You are always in my prayers.
Gentle Hugs
Shirley
DX: Fibro, Gerds, COPD, Osteoarthritis, Osteoporosis, High Blood Pressure, and Depression.
When I get where Im going dont cry for me down here. (Brad Paisley & Dolly Parton)

Acheybody
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 5929
   Posted 7/31/2010 9:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kathy,

How wonderful that you're reunited with your sister! As for your mother, I feel for you. I'm also dealing with "close" family who just don't care enough to respond, and I'm coming to grips with the fact that this is just the way it's gonna be. It hurts a lot, but there's only so many times you can walk into the same brick wall before you start building scar tissue, and I agree with Princess, YOU have to come first! (I realize you already know this.) :)

Debbie
This too shall pass...

.....fibromyalgia, hearing loss, elevated liver enzymes, skin grafting (back), arthritis, scoliosis, lumbar disc damage, sciatica, IBS, migraines, tachycardia, cancer surgeries (face).......I take Nortriptyline & Clonopin daily, and Darvocet as needed

kathydownunder
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 447
   Posted 7/31/2010 11:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Thechickenprincess,
You have hit the nail on the head that describies my mother to a T but the really sad thing is she treated my sister[the one at the parrty] like the world shone out of her and everything was hers at the asking[sort of] then the moment she remarried no one exsisted but her new husband. Once they married life was not great for my mother not just with her new husband but his family made her life unbearable. S

kathydownunder
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 447
   Posted 8/1/2010 12:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Sorry about that I will start again. My mother became friendly with one sister and her husband [a very large family] Then my mother became pregnant with a little girl then life was even worse. His mother resented the fact they had had a baby. He had been giving a sum of money to his mother every month why no one except his mother and him knew. He died 2 years after they married from cancer. Now she will tell anyone who will listen they had the perfect marriage. When they really split several times in that time. She talked to no one in the family and my sister did not see anyone in the family until she was about 22yrs old. She is 28 now, and has finally found peace with them. Both sets of grandparents died quite a few years ago. My mother went on to have several relationships a few years after his death. She denies every having them, but she blew all the money she received from the sale of things after he died.
Ever thing you said describs how Mum treats us. For my youngest sister I do not have her phone number or her address, and we are never told when she comes to visit she lives and works 4 hours for here.
My father has a lot to do with as well I would describe him the same way only it was me he he gave all the attension to. A hard way too be brought up. My sister told me she grew up believing no one loved her. I can relate to that as well. My father used me to do work for him. We owned a cattle property [ranch] and we ran 1,000 head of cattle and we worked that place from the time we could ride a horse, when other kids had weekend to relax we worked. At high school they used to change my exam days so I could take them when I was not working [a ruaral school where most of the pupils live and worked with cattle] I was home schooled for the first 6 years of my schooling.
But I am not going to le this get me down now I want to start planning the party when we can get all the young people together so they can get to know each other I know my kids are looking forward to this.
My youngest son will be moving to start work if he wants to for my BIL he has 500 men working under him. And he calls the starting pay of $45 per hour not much the pay rate will climb. WOW that is something I could only dream about.
Thank you for your help in helpin me understand my mother a bit more I will pass it on too my sister

Kathy

TheChickenPrincess
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 554
   Posted 8/1/2010 8:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Kathy,

Wow, I really feel for you.

I'm going to add my email address to my profile. (Give me about 10 mins to figure out how) If you click on my name here then you should be able to access my email address. If you email me, I will give you a link to some more resources about Narcissistic parents - and the forum I joined. You and your sister might really get some good help out of it - and start feeling better about yourselves. It helps me a lot.

If you email me - could you write Kathy from Healing Well (or something I'll recognize) in the subject?

Sending lotsa virtual hugs your way.

I'm SOOOOO glad you got together with your sister and her family. You have someone to heal together with - you can support each other. Sounds so much better than alone. Congrats too on raising such a lovely family. :)

TheChickenPrincess
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 554
   Posted 8/1/2010 8:28 AM (GMT -7)   
This offer to email for more info about Narcissistic parents is open to anyone here by the way - just email me - and make the subject something I might recognize as not spam. :)

*hugs* Achey - sorry to hear you had a bad experience as well.
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