It's a glorious day in Fibroville and Helen and Shirley have decided to try their new wonder drug, Screamola. Helen arrives at Shirley's house early in the morning as Dr. Ima Moron has told them it must be taken with breakfast. Both women sit down to a well balanced meal of blueberry scones, a tiny sliver of cherry cheese cake and a nice cup of tea. While eating, they discuss how they have been giving Mildred from the Senior Center a pill a day for the past week with lunch, and other than a carbunkle on her chin and some annoying lip smacking, she seems to be okay. Furthermore, Mildred claims her GERD has gone away completely and plans to ask her doctor for her own prescription!
They take their blister packs and tea and head for the living room and plop down in their deluxe, comfy recliners that were purchased at Fibro R Us. Ahhhh. Heated seats with just a touch of massage. The tea and pills are placed on the coffee table.
"Let's watch The Price is Right first," Helen says. This is one of their favorite shows as both girls are very good at pricing products. By the time the program is over, they have both won two new cars, a trip to Spain, a speed boat and a case of Noxema. But it was tiring and they doze off. They wake up just in time to catch the end of their favorite Soap Opera....As the Fibro Burns. Norah Fairchild, who is her own grandmother, has once again started to sneak out at night to hook up with Dr. Steede Toesnapper....Toesnapper to the stars. Both women gasp....how disappointing. Shame on Norah Fairchild.
'Well...I guess we should just 'do it'", Shirley sighs,
'Yes...but it almost noon and Dr. Ima Moron said to take it in the morning," Helen replies.
Shirley laughs. 'Yes...and he told me Lyrica would allow me to persue my dream of becoming a speed skater also. Forget what he said and let's just get this over with."
Helen picks up her blister pack and pops out a pill. 'I'm not really crazy about getting mouth fungus..." she mutters.
"Oh, Helen...think positive. This may be the drug that will allow us to take our road trip to the Grand Canyon! Now on the count of three, we take the pill...one...two....three!" They both swallow the pill. Just sit there for a few moments...waiting.
Shirley stands up. "Let's go feed the ducks down by The River. We need to get our minds off this and do something. I'll go get a baggy and fill it with Purina Duck Chow." She heads for the garage.
Helen leaves the comfort of the fabulous chair and looks out Shirley's picture window. She can see the river in the distance and it is shimmering in the hot sun. It would be a nice walk.
Shirley returns, they grab their canes 'just in case' and head for the water.
Within thirty seconds, Helen stops dead in her tracks. "LOOKIE...a quarter," she says, pointing to something shiny in the road.
"It's a nickel, not a quarter, silly," Shirley giggles.
"It's a quarter...I know my money! Now, bend over and pick it up! It can go into our vacation fund!" Helen says.
Shirley rolls her eyes and squats down. She picks it up. "It's a bottle cap. Now, help me get back on my feet."
Just as Helen is about to grab her arm, Shirley lets out a yelp...then a blood curdling scream."
"Are you hurt...Oh good gracious...are you alright?" Helen gasps.
Shirley looks perplexed. "Uh...yes...I don't know why I did that,"...then she screams again.
Holy Crap...Screamola, Helen thinks. She lifts her friend up with the crook of her cane, and once again out comes a YOWSAAAA!
"We have to get back to the house before one of the neighbors calls the cops," Helen says. They both turn around and high tail it back up the road.
Once inside, Shirley looks at her friend after one more ear piercing howl and whispers, "I do believe you are growing a beard, dear."
Oh no, not the dreaded beard.
Yet, Shirley is smiling. "I don't know...I feel kinda GOOD...I think perhaps this screaming is...whaddyacallit, cathartic! Yes...I feel wondeful!"
Helen does not feel wonderful...she has to go to Walmart and buy a Norelco.
Both women sit back down at the kitchen table where this whole saga began just hours ago. They are eyeballing the Duck Chow that Shirley has set down next to their empty tea cups. It looks...well...inviting. It's only corn, Helen thinks to herself. A handful couldn't hurt...probably tastes just like trail mix....
They both dig in. What a strange and challenging adventure. No more Screamola, however. Bed Buddies and heating pads for them.
The bitter end.
fibro, menieres disease, RLS, anxiety disorder, disc compression, scoliosis, spinal stenosis TMJ Meds: valium Advil
Reach out and touch someone. If they don't touch you back it's because you still have brownie batter on your face.
Post Edited (vestabula) : 8/12/2010 9:10:53 AM (GMT-6)