Dr. Ima Moron calls Shirley with great news! He has just been contacted by Kneeknocker Laboratories and they want him to enlist two patients who have used Screamola for a television commercial. No 'actor portrayal'...a real fibromite to hawk the drug!
"So Shirley...have you taken Screamola?" Dr. Ima Moron asks...oh, he is so excited as he gets a huge pile of money for helping to promote the new Fibro Miracle!
"Well...yes...but only one day," she tells him.
He laughs. 'You lasted that long? What happened...the dreaded mouth fungus?"
She is not amused. 'No...I screamed my brains out and Helen grew a beard."
Silence...then "They will pay each of you $25,000."
"We're in...we're in!" Shirley yells into the receiver. "Doesn't it matter that we only took one pill?"
"Probably, but who cares? They asked me to find two patients that took the drug...you took it and that's that!" Then he tells her to recruit Helen and to show up at the Fibroville Holiday Inn the following day for the shoot.
The girls do just that. They drive to the Holiday Inn where they are greeted by a tall, wispy woman who escort them to a broom closet...'The Dressing Room'. She hands them two maid uniforms and tells them to put them on...then leaves them alone.
"I'm not wearing this...it's starched as stiff as aboard and will rub sores on my skin," Helen mutters.
"Put it on...$25,000...think about our vacation fund and the trip to the Grand Canyon we have been saving up for!" Shirley tells her, slipping into the uniform that can stand alone on the floor.
Helen groans and puts on the uniform. It's claustophobic in the broom closet and the stench of disinfectant is making her woozy.
The tall wispy woman is waiting for them, and when they are dressed they are led down a hall to a banquet room. Lights and cameras everywhere...and two huge Kirby vacuum cleaners are the props.
Director Ivan Horsecotter tells them to stand in front of the vacuum cleaners and to simply read the words off the teleprompter. They can alternate paragraphs...he doesn't "give a rat's behind".
The tall woman approaches them, fluffs up their hair and brushes two round circles of blush on their cheeks.
'Okay, Lights, camera, action." Ivan says like he is bored out of his skull.
Shirley starts to read. "Fibromyalgia is a chronic pain condition that attack the nerve endings in the muscle. It can make you feel like you have stuck your arms and legs in a beehive or set yourself on fire. Reasearches at Kneeknocker laboratories feel your pain. After two and half weeks of successful clinical trials, they are proud to announce the FDA's approval of the Fibro Drug...Screamola."
Then Helen takes over, her neck bleeding from the stiff, starched collar. "We are not actors. We are real fibromyalgia sufferers, and Screamola has saved our lives." Then she read the prompter that tells her and Shirley to turn on the vacuum cleaners. They reluctantly do it. Then....to start vacuuming the banquet hall.
"Holy crap! Are you kidding me...no way. These machines must weigh 50 pounds a piece!" Helen yells.
"Cut!" Ivan screams.
Shirley spins her friend around away from the camera. Owie. "$25,000. Just 'do it"!
The cameras begin to roll again and Shirley pushes the monster Kirby, her thighs going into painful spasms. Helen is hunched over her machine like Quasimodo.
"Do you think we could have cleaned this entire 2000 square foot banquet hall in less than fifteen minutes before Screamola?" she croaks...Holy Moly...what's that stabbing pain she has in her armpit...feels like an ice pick.
After ten swipes across the rug, they are told to stop. Then Helen reads the final blurb, her lips twisted into a freakish grimace. Double, triple owie.
"Screamola is well tolerated but caution must be taken by the following: Nursing mothers, pregnant women or those who plan to get pregnant, anyone with a car, people who eat chocolate or think about eating chocolate, those whose astrological signs are Gemini, Leo or Pisces, bird watchers, those who think Bob Dylan should give it up and 'go into a home', those who live in brick houses with white shutters, anyone with blonde, curly hair or people who read long articles in tool magazines. Side effects can include: screaming uncontrollably, incontinence, explosive diarrhea, waking up to find yourself sucking your thumb in a drainage ditch, compulsive gambling, smoking and buying shoes in bulk. A rare but serious side effect is dropping dead and you should consult your doctor immediately if this should happen.
“Cut, and that’s a wrap!: Ivan yells. “Change your clothes and the tall wispy woman will give you your check.”
The two woman gimp off to the broom closet. “I think I peed my pants a little” Helen whispers.
“Is that all?” Shirley groans.
Ivan offers them the Kirby sweepers as a gift as they are leaving and Helen tells him something that make his ears burn.
On the ride home they discuss going to Starbucks for a large chocolate mocha, double caramel low fat latte, hold the foam but they doubt they can make it to the door let alone sit on those wrought iron chairs.
“I might just go home and take a Screamola,” Shirley says. ‘The screaming seems to relieve my pain.”
“I’m not up for shaving off a beard, so I’ll pass," Helen sighs. "Maybe I’ll go buy a hot tub with this satanic money we just earned.”
They end up at Shirley’s house, falling like dead wood into their fibro chairs. They dream of taking the Kirby vacuum cleaners and whirling them through the Holiday Inn front window. AHHHH. Now THERE's a pain reliever!
fibro, menieres disease, RLS, anxiety disorder, disc compression, scoliosis, spinal stenosis TMJ Meds: valium Advil
Reach out and touch someone. If they don't touch you back it's because you still have brownie batter on your face.
Post Edited (vestabula) : 8/18/2010 10:09:03 AM (GMT-6)