It's 6:00 Am and barely light out. Shirley is jarred awake by pounding at her front door, Walleyed with fright, she grabs her cane from the end of the bed and her spray can of mace...well...she thinks it's her mace but in fact it is her saline nasal spray. So many things clutter her nightstand. Slowly she gimps to the front door, the nasal spray nozzle aimed straight at her face.
"Who's there?" she croaks in her early moring Anthony Quinn voice.
"It's me, Helen..let me in!"
Shirley unlocks the door and Helen Rushes in. "I can't do this, Shirley...I can't keep the $25,000 we got for promoting Screamola!"
Shirley is still disoriented. "Why didn't you call me first...Holy Crap...I about popped a vessel!"
Helen sinks into one of the fibro chairs. 'I DID try to call. Your phone is dead."
'Did you try calling me on your remote control again? My phone is NOT dead," Shirely sighs.
Helen shrugs her shoulders. Maybe...probably. All these electronic devices look the same.
Shirley hitches off towards the kitchen to make them each a cup of tea. Helen yells to be heard.
"Have you seen our Screamola Commericals? They are on non stop! I was watching the 'How To Buy a House for Thirty Five Cents Channel' in the middle of the night and there we were! And by the way...I think they PhotoShopped us! I don't have red hair!"
"Oh Helen, it was probably all those lights bouncing off that monster red Kirby vacuum cleaner bag." Shirley replies.
"Really...well have you taken a good look at yourself? You have a mouth full of pearly white teeth...Horse teeth. And no chin flab. I'm telling you..we have been PhotoShopped!"
Shirley returns with two cups of scalding hot tea and takes a seat in the remaining fibro chair. "I think I looked rather fetching," she smirks.
Helen is not amused. "We live in Fibroville. Let's consider THAT! Everyone knows us and will rush out and take that drug. Think about it. Screaming and howling and yapping...day and night...keeping us awake! Everywhere we go...woman with beards and mouth fungus. Their husbands will form little groups in the dead of night and discuss ways to knock us off. Oh yes they will. We will be run out of town, Shirley. I am going to return the money and demand they take that commercial off the air."
Shirley picks up her cane and whacks the arm of Helen's fibro chair. There is fire in her eyes. "You will do no such thing. You will take that money and buy the Hot Tub you always wanted. Then we will fulfill our dream of going to the Grand Canyon. We are gettting a bit long in the tooth, you know. We don't have forever. And...who cares if the air is filled with the sound of screaming fibromites? Personally, I felt rather energized after an hour of non stop howling. And...think of all the business Walmart will get...fibromites buying Norelco razors and bottles of Nair. Look at the positive side!"
"But...It's a lie...we only took one pill!" Helen whines.
Long silence. Shirley knows her friend has a point but she is going to cling to that money like a Blackwater Leech. "They will NOT take the money back...nor will they stop showing the commercial. We didn't even sign a contract. If you ask me, they should be paying us everytime that commercial airs...whatchamacallit residuals. Now drink your tea."
Helen takes a sip, then giggles. "You know, it was kind of flattering that what's her name...oh you know who I mean...Ah, Yes. Gertrude from the Bookmobile. She asked me to autograph her Screamola pill bottle. And now that I think about it, no beard or screaming. But it just seems wrong that we are promoting a drug we never really took."
Another whack of the cane on the arm of the chair. "Do you think Cheryl Tiegs, Jacklyn Smith and Martha Stewart Shop at K-mart? Do you really believe Drew Barrymore wears Covergirl make-up...no...they all shop at Saks Fifth Avenue. And Robert Wagner...has he ever gotten a reverse mortgage? It's all a lie, Helen...get with it!"
Helen leans back in her chair and closes her eyes. As Adrian Monk would say 'It's a blessing and a curse.' Maybe she would just focus on the 'blessing' part. She starts to doze off...not much sleep that night.
Shirley covers her friend with a blanket, and takes the tea cup out of her hand. She notices one stray chin whisker but thinks she won't mention it. She sits back down and tries to turn on the television with the garage door opener. Just another day in Fibroville.
Post Edited (vestabula) : 9/7/2010 9:40:54 AM (GMT-6)