Cajun, DO NOT beat yourself up, I have been there and I'll tell you a little story about my Rain (Kridler's Indian RainDance). She was my heart. She was to be my "show" dog but mostly she was my friend. At 15 months she started having vaginal infections with every heat. I did prostaglandin treatments and was told that I MUST breed her the next or she could die. Well I bred her and it was a disaster, I traveled 10 hours for the "perfect" stud from a very well known kennel.
When she had her pups I was right there to cut the cord and dry them off and present them to her. She tried to kill them. I enede up muzzleing her, holding her down so they could get that all important colostrum. Eventually she would just lay down and let me put them on her but she never cleaned them or cared about them.
When the pups were 6 weeks old she developed a snotty nose, first thought was a cold. It was awful constant snot. I tried every thing, spent a fortune at the vets, had her scoped bought immunity boosters, natural antifungals, natural everything. Nothing worked. I had her spayed as soon as I figured out that it was a genetic immune problem. One hot summer day in July (no rain or dampness) she was pretty sick as she got too often. I took her to the vet for an antibiotic shoy as that always worked. They did a chest x-ray and she had pmeumonia and they recomended putting her down. I says, Oh no this has always worked and she will be OK. She died that night and I should have put her down. She was 4, this was 7 years ago and I am still crying as I write this.
Her bloodlines are the top winning Shepherds in the American showring.....google Kridler german shepherds.......the breeder is still breeding the same lines and breaking hearts. She was not the first to die from that well known breeder. I now have German dogs. Not a short story but I had to tell it
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....