Judgemental Family

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Kitten5502
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 100
   Posted 11/29/2011 12:31 PM (GMT -7)   
One of my questions is how do you get a VERY judgemental/critical family to understand what is going on with my body and to the extent that it happens. They right now think I am exaggerating and that I don't really have anything. My 21 year old daughter says it is all in my head. Very rude, considering I have stood by EVERYONE my entire life and tried to help them get thru their problems. Right now I need to have lots of support and I don't feel like I am getting it. Anyone have any ideas on how to explain everything that is going on to make my family understand?

headhunter452
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 11/29/2011 12:45 PM (GMT -7)   
No one understands or will understand what you are going through. Only you. You must maintain a positive outcome everyday, and be strong minded, (this is what I am told), otherwise, you lay down your life and die, and this is not an option.

Stay strong, and of good courage. Know that there are many out there suffering more than you, truly I speak with experience. I make it through everyday on my own, no family (way to critical and judgemental), no friends, isolated shut in.

I will keep you in my thoughts, but keep your mind strong.

Kitten5502
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 100
   Posted 11/29/2011 12:55 PM (GMT -7)   
I try every day to be strong minded and I do know there are many far worse off than me. My husbands uncle is dying of Cancer right now as we speak. I am very thankful that this is only Fibro and not cancer. However, in everyday life sometimes we need a little help around the house and with normal everyday things, when we are hurting so bad. When I have asked for help or support, I either don't get it or I get hell for asking. I am assuming it is this way cause I have always taken care of everyone else and have spoiled them to this point. I thought I was showing them how to be a caring and supportive individual.
Thank you very much for your kind words and your support.

almost medfree
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2004
Total Posts : 1783
   Posted 11/29/2011 2:05 PM (GMT -7)   
I, too, had a daughter who wasn't believing what I was going through and having an ex who also didn't believe it didn't help matters any. What helped my situation is taking my daughter with me to my rhematologist appointment. Then she learned it was real and she heard the doc say I had severe fibro.

Good luck to you.
Fibromyalgia, CFS, multiple chemical sensivity, herniated disks, spinal stenosis, osteoarthritis, ADD, sjorgens, sleep apnea. I am happy to say the only medication I take is ibuprofen at night to sleep along with my supplements for sleeping. I am on a regiment of different supplements, I eat very nutritiously, and ever since my injury years ago I have been doing my prescribed stretches x2 daily.

Kitten5502
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 100
   Posted 11/29/2011 2:41 PM (GMT -7)   
That might be an idea to take my daughter and then she can enlighten my husband of the doctors findings. Might be a good thing. Thank you for your suggestion. Is your daughter better now and more understanding that she heard the doc?

Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 15525
   Posted 11/29/2011 3:17 PM (GMT -7)   

Kitten, in Fibro 101 there is a long article called Doctor's Respond to New York Times Article.  Someone had written that fibro wasn't a real illness...kind of like your family.  Learned doctors came out of the woodwork explaining what this illness is all about and how foolish it is to think it's all in your head.  It's wonderful and you could print this out and have your family members read it.  If they still don't believe you, you will have to just ignore their total ignorance. 

Don't stress yourself out over it because that will just cause more pain for you.  YOU know it's real and so do we and most doctors.  Fibro is recognized by the American Medical Association, the American College of Rheumatology, the National Institutes of Health, and the World Health Organization...just to name a few.  Nope!  This is not all in your head and doctors are realizing this also.

Just live your life.  It isn't imperative to your well-being that your family understands.  Of course it's nice but not worth feeling worse than you do already.  You can come here and vent.  We all understand.  

Sherrine 


Forum Moderator/Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Diabetes, Osteoporosis, Glaucoma, Scoliosis
************************
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

sos007
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 11/29/2011 3:29 PM (GMT -7)   
I would take both your daughter and your husband, it's sounds like neither understand what you are going through. Let the Rheumy explain it to them, that should help. I am very grateful my family has been very supportive however, my husband was at most of my appointments so he knew what I was going through. I hope this will help you because, we all need help with this awful disease.

Keep in touch, even if you just want to vent.

Take care, Amy


chronic pain(nerve). fibro and mild depression

almost medfree
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2004
Total Posts : 1783
   Posted 11/29/2011 3:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kitten,

My rheumatologist went further than telling my daughter about my fibro. She checked my daughter's trigger points and said she herself could come down with fibro--that it runs in families especially mother to daughter.
 
As you can imagine my daughter was quite upset afterwards. I told her she probably didn't have it but if she did get fibro what she could do to help herself.

My daughter is now a RN so she's very understanding about my condition. I would strongly encourage like sos007 said that your husband go so he can hear for himself that it's real. But make sure it's a doctor that understands fibro. And I would strongly encourage that when you call to make the appointment that you let the doctor's office know you're bringing a family member or members. Maybe they would be willing to give you a longer session so the doctor could explain things to your family.

Keep us posted.
Fibromyalgia, CFS, multiple chemical sensivity, herniated disks, spinal stenosis, osteoarthritis, ADD, sjorgens, sleep apnea. I am happy to say the only medication I take is ibuprofen at night to sleep along with my supplements for sleeping. I am on a regiment of different supplements, I eat very nutritiously, and ever since my injury years ago I have been doing my prescribed stretches x2 daily.

Post Edited (almost medfree) : 11/29/2011 2:55:21 PM (GMT-7)


Kitten5502
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 100
   Posted 11/29/2011 8:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all so very much for all of your ideas and explaining things..I really appreciate it. I will see if my daughter will go but I highly doubt my hubby will. He wouldn't want to take time off of work to go...I will just have to deal with it myself. If he wants to continue to be an jerk then I guess he won't have a very good married life. I just supported him thru 2 small strokes, sleep apnea and major back problems. Saved his life 3 times and still things are all about him. When he asks what is wrong I tell him I am not feeling well or in pain. His response is "so am I"...All the back rubs, the special meals just for him, picking him up and taking him places, doing practically everything for him for almost 2 years does not even matter any more. Now that he is better and back to work he is acting like none of it ever happened. Like I didn't give up my life for 2 years to nurse him back to health and now, I need a tiny bit of attention or just a little recognition and I get NONE....I guess that is what I get for spoiling him rotten.
Sorry I didn't mean to be a downer...Just loads of stress here...Thank you all again for your help and understanding.

sos007
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 11/29/2011 9:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Kitten....I am so sorry you are not getting the support you need. I hope once you see your rhuemy, you will feel some what better, and take your daughter with you. This will help your daughter understand things better. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Keep us posted as how your appointment goes or even if you are just in need of some support. The people on this forum are great for supporting someone or just listening when you need to vent.

Bless you and Take care, Amy


Chronic pain(nerve), fibro and mild depression

toughenough
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 180
   Posted 11/30/2011 1:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Kitten,
It sounds to me like all of your stressful years of taking care of your husband and everything probably stressed you into getting fibromyalgia. I think now is the time to take care of yourself.

It's been my experience that noone understands what we go through unless they have been there themselves or have a chronic illness themselves.

I'd print out a list of fibro symptoms and check each one that you have and make them read it. Then I'd quit doing anything for them. If they are not going to help make your life easier then you'll need to do it all by yourself.

My husband has not always understood but has in the past few years as he's had to drive me to many appointments and tests, he's retired now. Also my long term disability insurance company has been paying me benefits for 17 months and I'm approved until April when it will be evaluated again. If your insurance company is not fighting paying benefits then that's a big clue that it's serious. We all know they don't want to pay out benefits.

Sorry, I don't know your family but have the problem with my mother and have a few former friends because of this same issue. I hope you get to feeling better and your family starts to realize how serious your illness is.

Bless you, Paulette
Hysterectomy 1996, UC diagnosed 1997 - 1st surgery 11/2/10 colonectomy, 2nd J-Pouch take down 12/29/10, incisional hernia surgery 7/5/11, Restless Legs syndrome, Sleep Apnea,
Fibromyalgia diagnosed 1998, GERD diagnosed 2005, Morton's Neuroma diagnosed in both feet 2011 (symptoms 8 yrs)

Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 15525
   Posted 11/30/2011 6:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Kitten, I'm sorry that he is acting that way but, from what I see, it isn't that unusual.  Many members have husbands like that.  I do think men cannot handle their wives being sick.  They don't know what to do!  Women have that motherly, nurturing instinct and most men don't.  My husband would help with the dishes, etc., but we didn't discuss health.  BUT when he had so much as a cold, you would have thought the world was coming to an end.  Men are taught to be the provider, to be the strong one, etc. and so some really don't know what to do in situations like this.  Unfortunately, I think your husband falls into that catagory.  He loves you a lot, wants you to be healthy, but yet doesn't have a clue as to what to say or do to help you.
 
This is why I posted what I did in my earlier post.  It's wonderful if family members do understand but we have to learn to be strong and move on with our lives even if they don't understand.  We can try to explain this...that's why I suggested your printing the info out for them to read...but they truly can never understand until they walk in our shoes.  And I know my husband would have never gone to a doctor's appointment with me, either.  He couldn't even stand sitting with me when I was in labor!  He felt totally helpless but I realized that about him so didn't hold it against him.  I knew he loved me a lot but just couldn't deal with certain things. 
 
The best thing you can do is learn all you can about fibro and occasionally try to explain certain things so him.  If he shuts you out it probably doesn't mean he doesn't care but more likely he can't handle the fact that you are sick.  But that's not the most important thing in a marriage, either.  We are all so different.  So try not to let this upset you so much.  You are not alone.  And, as you find ways of controlling your pain and pacing yourself, life will get easier for you, too. 
 
I don't mention my health that much because no one knows what to do about it anyway.  Instead, I just look forward to each new day with anticipation and hope for a really good one.  I focus on all the good things in my life and that makes me happy, too.  I am now a widow so I'm glad I learned how to deal with this illness myself.  My happiness depends on me and how I react to life and I do have a good life.  We all have this forum, too, to come to  when we need to talk to people that do undersrtand or if we need to vent.  HealingWell is such a blessing to all of us and I'm glad you are here to share with us.
 
Sherrine 
Forum Moderator/Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease, Ostomy, Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease, Diabetes, Osteoporosis, Glaucoma, Scoliosis
************************
God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

BunBun1982
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 174
   Posted 11/30/2011 8:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone,

Kitten, you are NOT alone by any means. I have theeee most supportive husband in the world, but my own blood relations can't make heads or tails of me.

It took my mother up until 2 years ago to believe how serious this was because my husband and I decided we may not have children. Even now I am still on the fence but he keeps reassuring me that we'll be okay financially, and I'll have the help I need when we're ready wink My father is the worst in my family. He judges me as a person based on looks and status, and he's never been easily pleased. Getting Fibro made that 20X more clear when I gained almost 60lbs over 5 years. Even though I have a career, moved out, married a husband that met his expectations, and so forth, I still get a tea-spoon of support. That's got to tell you what kind of person he is when it comes to health. My brother on the other-hand lives with me and sees the physical limitations of my illness. He sees how much my husband has to take care of me some days. He's been able to accept me for some time now, but in the beginning, he was as hard as a rock about the subject as well.

I don't have any other family support because my blood relatives are in Europe, but I have in-laws who could see that something was wrong. That alone made me feel more connected to them than my own blood. Sad eh? confused All I know is I've asked my parents to research my illness and to accept it as a part of me. It's going to affect ALL aspects of my life and that's the hardest reality to swallow.

All I can suggest is that you tell them to research, research, research. Leave books from your local library about Fibro 'conveniently' out in the open so your family has a better chance of reading. Best recommendation is Fibromyalgia For Dummies yeah yeah yeah Print off stuff from the Fibro101 Forum as Sherrine suggested. Perhaps find local articles from your newspaper or doctor's office. Oh YouTube has great videos on Fibro as well.

Best of luck trying to get through to your family. Just remember that we're all struggling with some sort of family issue, but that you HAVE TO BE selfish when it comes to your health smilewinkgrin
Fibromyalgia, IBS, allergies, chronic Vitamin D deficiency, and possible Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

"Who wouldn't be the one you love? Who wouldn't stand inside your love? Protected and the lover of." *The Smashing Pumpkins, Stand Inside Your Love*

Myself 09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 4531
   Posted 11/30/2011 8:36 AM (GMT -7)   
In that way, I guess I am lucky. My sister was diagnosed many, many years ago, after a long struggle with doctors and symptoms. We as the family didn't get it, and she educated us. I remember all of us getting a book for christmas one year about how to deal with a loved one with fibromyalgia.

So, when I started symptoms, I found it easier. Ditto, brother. We have a name, and when one of us has to lie down, looks blank and tired, or says the wrong thing, we get it.

Spouses seem mostly understanding, since they each have their own fibro-in-the-face person.

Springsun
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2011
Total Posts : 59
   Posted 11/30/2011 9:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kitten,

I can't offer a lot of advise different than others wrote. It is a difficult thing to make others understand something they can't experience. I can totally relate to how you are feeling, as I have been a Mom and Wife just like you for year and years, always putting the needs of others before my own. And, thinking they are appreciating it, when in fact like you said, they get spoiled and begin to expect it.

When I became ill, I tried to keep it up, but it didn't take long until I fell flat on my face. I had to begin to learn a new normal for myself. My husband was pretty understanding, however he didn't know what to do either. My oldest son (24) has not lived at home since he was 19 and so when ever he sees me, he is either seeing me on a good day, or I am in what I call actress mode. He sill has trouble excepting I am ill. And really doesn't understand it at all. I have tried over and over to talk to him and he still just goes well, ok but you are still fine. It's frustrating.

My husband and I eventually went to counseling. It helped a lot. We didn't know how to let this illness be a part of our relationship. We by no means have a perfect marriage, but counseling was really a good thing for both of us. I learned to stop expecting so much of myself and my husband learned that his feelings were his, and that I didn't cause him to feel anything in which he didn't decide to feel on his own. It's called owning your feelings, hard to understand but so true. We all have this power but a lot of people don't understand it. I found this writing and it has helped me so much... I can't give credit to the author as I don't know who it is.

"I am me and I am completely acceptable, lovable and worthy exactly as I am.", adopting an attitude where I have ZERO expectations from anyone and that I am not ENTITLED to anyone's love, respect or acceptance, but I AM entitled to my own love, respect and acceptance and I CAN expect and DEMAND that from myself (but no one else).

I refuse to make my pain and anxiety my identity. I tell myself that I am NOT a victim of anyone's ridicule except for my own and I HAVE the power to treat myself with kindness and unconditional acceptance. I am strong and capable and can express love and acceptance to others around me without any expectations from them - I gave up the need for a "result" from my actions with other people."

Many hugs to you.
Fibromyalgia, Hashimoto's Disease, Myfascial Pain Syndrome, Seasonal Affective Disorder, PTSD, Autoimmune knee inflammation, Allergy to Dairy

Kitten5502
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 100
   Posted 11/30/2011 9:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all for all of your great advice. I am going to print off some articles about FM and list of symptoms and put them on the fridge. Hopefully this will help him. I still have not gotten the approval from my insurance co to go see the Rhuemy that I want, they are denying it and asking me to go to a Rhuemy 1 1/2 hours away. Just ridiculous how insurance companies can choose what doctor you go to see. But I do plan on asking my daughter to at least go and see how she reacts. I agree with all of you, I probably just need to not expect anything from anyone and just worry about myself. I have recently stopped doing so much for my hubby. So far I see him getting a little frustrated but he doesn't say much or react rude or anything. So that is good. I do the regular cleaning, cooking and bills, stuff like that but I am not going to baby him anymore. He has to take responsibility for himself and his own life and health. I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for helping me with this and listening. It really helps a lot. On the upside, cause there is an upside to every story, or at least there should be. My mom called me and is paying for a ticket for me to go see her for a week between Christmas and New Year's. She lives 3 hours away and I don't get to see her much at all. She wants me to come alone so she can spoil me and take care of me like I take care of everyone else. I am SOO excited. I think a week away from everyone and everything will do a world of good.
God Bless and hope everyone is having a good day.

sos007
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 11/30/2011 6:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Kitten...that is wonderful. I think that will be good for you, just what you need is someone to make you number 1. Who doesn't like a little spoiling.lol...Keep us posted.


Bless you, Amy





Chronic pain(nerve),fibro and mild depression

Kitten5502
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 100
   Posted 12/1/2011 9:21 AM (GMT -7)   
sos I think it will be GREAT!!! I am sure hoping I can go. I am also having female problems and have an ultrasound scheduled for Saturday morning and will find out next tuesday if I have to have surgery during that week that I am suppose to go see my mom...So keeping my fingers crossed and praying that the surgery or procedure can be done a different time. A girl always needs her mom even when your 40 and it will help tremendously to go see her.
Thank you.
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