How do i help my husband understand?

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Sparkey
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 5/5/2012 9:51 PM (GMT -6)   
  confused  
 
I am having a very hard time getting my husband to talk to me about my illness. I know he is frustrated because i can not do all the same things as before.
We have become disconnected. He tells me im not doing enough. But im still learning and trying something new all the time.
I think he sees me as lazy. Which just hurts me sooo much. But i am still working and taking care of our house and helping with our own business. I thought i was doing well.
i dont want this illnes to hurt our marriage.
 
 
Sparkey :0)

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Fibromyalgia, Hashimoto's Thyrioditis, Chronic Fatigue, Migraines, Sleep Loss
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Keeping My Head Up

sawa
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 277
   Posted 5/5/2012 10:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Sparkey, I understand where you are coming from. My husband and I own a pizza/sub shop and I had cut my hours to part time about a year ago due to fibro pain but about 8 weeks ago my cook had a heart attack and then a stent put in and now I am doing her shift and mine. Today I cooked 11 hours straight and as I rest here in bed I am in excruciating pain. My husband gets mad at me and pushes me to stay at the shop longer and longer. He sees I ask people to carry heavy items, retrieved things for me and I sit between orders a minute here and there when I can but he says he is always in pain from arthritis in his knees which I have too and because he can push himself he thinks I can too. I have had a pinched nerve in my back which causes a numb foot and sciatica pain that is so intense I feel like I am dying. So I don't have any answers for you on how to make him understand but I just wanted you to know I am in the same boat with you. Good luck and God bless.
There is nothing you can't do if you set your mind to it.

Diagnosis: Fibromyalgia, migraines, Degenerative Disk Disease, Spinal Stenosis, chronic sinus problems, anxiety, mortons neuroma

ak angel
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 2963
   Posted 5/5/2012 11:07 PM (GMT -6)   
Sawa- If I were you I think I would have to have a major serious talk with him. I wish I did that with my husband. I keep just doing just what you are doing and my husband was irritated with me when I couldn't do things or go to work. He began to say your going to get fired and we can't pay the bills. It was a constant thing for many years. I get off work and be in bed until I had to go again. It was no life. It all came to an end when I almost died and the Dr. said I need to stop work. My husband really didn't want to hear that because it was about the money. When I almost died he had no choice because I really couldn't work. I was blessed to have long term insurance and was able to get social security in 9 months. So after saying all this, please sit down with him. Maybe you can hire somebody to cook again and put everything on the table. I am happy to say I feel the best I ever felt in years. Yes, I still have my days, but I once love life again. I have more now then I had working. I can be a mom and a wife to my husband now. I know he is enjoying me being so much healthier. I am not saying to stop work, but reevaluate things and see what things you can change to make life easier for you. Good luck!

Post Edited (ak angel) : 5/5/2012 10:12:24 PM (GMT-6)


ak angel
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 2963
   Posted 5/5/2012 11:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Sparkey, please have a talk with your husband about really how you feel. You can even share my story and say you don't want it to come to what happen to me. Basically I worked till I almost died. I was in severe pain and the fatigue was horrible. I had no life and I felt like I was trapped. I just would come home each day complaining and staying in bed. I was no wife or mom. It came down to me being in my death bed before he got a slight hint. Even after that it was a strain on my marriage till he really got the message. I hope you will find that place to talk with him on how you really feel. I am happy to say I am doing well most of the time. I know we have actually grown closer now over this ordeal.

almost medfree
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2004
Total Posts : 1783
   Posted 5/6/2012 11:24 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Sparkey,

Sorry to hear about what you're going through. I went through a lot of that with my ex-husband. But there were many more reasons other than my fibro why we divorced after being married for many years.

I would suggest to you that you try to get him to attend a doctor's visit with you, a doctor who is very knowledgeable about fibromyalgia like a rheumatologist so he can see how debilitating it is.

I would also suggest that you do all you can to help yourself. My fiance and I wouldn't be together if we both weren't doing all we could to help ourselves. By helping yourself you could learn about what foods to eat and what to stay away from, what stretches you should do if that indeed helps your tightness (you could learn these from a knowledgeable physical therapist), by what supplements you take (some are much better than others), by staying as active as you can, and trying to stay as positive as you can.

Good luck to you.
Fibromyalgia, CFS, multiple chemical sensivity, herniated disks, spinal stenosis, osteoarthritis, ADD, sjorgens, sleep apnea, asthma, headaches. The only medication I take is ibuprofen at night to sleep along with my supplements for sleeping. I am on a regiment of different supplements, I eat very nutritiously, and ever since my injury years ago I have been doing prescribed stretches x2 daily.

LupusMomma
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 74
   Posted 5/6/2012 11:49 AM (GMT -6)   
Sorry to hear about your situation. There is nothing worse than those you love, not being able to cope with your new limitations. I came across this story while on the Lupus page (I have lupus, fibro, and dysautonomia) and it really hit home. It basically tells someone how it is to live your life and put it into terms that are easier for them to understand. It works for any chronic illness so just substitute Fibro for Lupus and explain it from your point of view. It is called the Spoon Theory. Hope this helps.

LupusMomma


http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 5/6/2012 6:07 PM (GMT -6)   
My husband refuses to learn anything about fibro. My daughter and I both suffer from major depression and he asked me the other day "You have a beautiful home, food to eat, a healthy family, people who love you, what ARE YOU depressed about?" He will not accept that it is a neurological physiological problem. If we just tried harder we would be fine, in his mind. Drives me nuts 9or more nuts-lol)

I empathize but have no advice

maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

seroquel, hydrocodone clonazepam norvasc multi vitamin and magnesium

grandmaroses
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 1355
   Posted 5/6/2012 7:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Sparky, I also understand about hubby not being there with you or for you. In the first couple of threads there is a fibro101 thread. In there is a bunch of information I am thinking of the spoon theary? I printed it and my hubby read it, it has helped.
Our guys are tough and they just do not understand something they can not see, that's what I used to think but I just had back surgery he can see that and I swear there are days when he still pushes my buttons.
I wish there was a secret hidden switch on these guys but if there is I have not found it. Try reading through the fibro101 hopefully you will find a way that can help.
Take care
Rose



Insulin Dependant Diabetic, Fibromyalgia, Gerd, IBS, Sleep Apnea, COPD, Spondylolistesis, Diabetic Neuropathy, Fatty Liver, High Cholesterol

Acheybody
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 5546
   Posted 5/7/2012 12:49 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Sparkey,

Glad to meet you....I haven't been on here too much the last few days. How long have you been afflicted with our "constant companion?" ;(

I'm sorry you're feeling disconnected from your husband. Hopefully he'll come to see how hard you're trying.

Boy, do I ever hear what you're saying! I love my husband, and I know he loves me. But he is never going to be the kind of person who wants to know in any real depth AT ALL what I go through....and that's very hard for me to understand, because if the situation were reversed, I would!! It took years, but by now he does know that fibro is real, that I didn't chose this (like Rose, I recently had back surgery, so I have even more restrictions.)

But for the first few years, I tried to do way too much, and like you say, it was never enough...I kept having more pain, and we didn't have a clue why - and was a physical and emotional wreck. We had 3 young kids and it was really rough.

I hope you keep posting, because this is a great place for support. We all understand! I've had fibro for 20 years, and found this forum 2 years ago, and it has really changed my life for the better.

Debbie
Moderator, Fibromyalgia Forum

Fibromyalgia, herniated disc L4-5, (with recent surgery), bulging disc L5-S1, other assorted spinal deterioration, scoliosis, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, IBS, migraines, tachycardia, hearing loss (probably Menieres)

hopegirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 694
   Posted 5/7/2012 3:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Sparkey,
I really wish I could give you something magical to say that would make your husband understand, but honestly you can
give him information, talk with your doctor and so on, but unless you have fibromyalgia, your husband can never really wrap
his mind around it and understand. Honestly if I didn't have fibromyalgia and a friend had it, I would never be able to really understand
it. I know my husband loves me and would do anything for me, he tries to listen, but he can't really understand either, he will ask me
how I feel or how I'm doing unless it's really bad, I usually just say OK...But this place is the best because everyone here does understand. When you feel alone or frustrated or just to talk, this place is great because we all get it here.

The spoon theory is great, and info like that can be very helpful, but there is nothing (that I know of, but I sure don't claim to know everything) that loved ones can read and then suddenly they get it. Time and patients can get them to understand as much as anyone can unless you are a club member.

Good Luck to you,

Monica

applevenus
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 934
   Posted 5/7/2012 9:08 PM (GMT -6)   
I have fairly mild FMS & even I couldn't work your shift. I cringed reading it! Maybe you could be the trainer for new employees. If the shop is so busy is probably needs at least 2 part time employees. Part tiners are great because he won't need to pay benefits and it gives the shop a lot of schedule flexibility.
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