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loveit
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 2/29/2008 6:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello Everyone, I am the wife of a man with HCV and cirrhosis. He is currently on the Liver Transplant List, hasn't drank for at least 10 months and has quit smoking over 2 months ago. I am so proud of him. I do have a problem though, it pales in comparison to some of the things you all are going through. He is so MEAN. I mean really hateful mean. We have been married for 32 years, and he has never been Mr. Nice guy, he is very blunt and opinionated, but I have always loved that about him. Now he is downright hurtful. We have been dealing with his illness since 2001 and he has been on and off treatment and now is finally on the list but He is so mean to my 17 year old son and to me, I just am at a loss. Is that part of the illness, I don't really hear anyone talking about that. I am trying to figure out if he just hates us or if I should talk to the Doc or what. He has all the normal fatigue, pains, ammonia problems, but no swelling and he gets around well. Any imput or suggestion on how to deal with my devil would be helpful. Thank you and God Bless

1Shelly1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 502
   Posted 2/29/2008 6:44 PM (GMT -7)   
loveit, it isn't uncommon for some personality changes due to his illness. I would suggest that you speak privately to his Dr about his "meaness". I doubt that he hates you or your son-he hates himself. He is so unhappy having this terrible disease and he is sick physically. You and your son should seek counseling so you both can cope with his moods and behavior. If he is physically violent then GET OUT!! Never allow you or your child to be abused verbally, mentally, or physcically. At least that is my opinion.
Shelly

Pink Grandma
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 2445
   Posted 3/1/2008 1:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello Loveit and welcome to HealingWell. So sorry that you and your son are dealing with this horrid disease.
And a BIG YES ......meaness is part of the the disease. I personally think that it could come from them being mad at themselves for getting themselfs into their predictament. And/or the fear of dying. Shelly I love you. Please don't be upset with me. But in some respects I disagree with you on this. We agree that it's the disease that causes them to be mean for what ever the reason. If the caregiver is strong enough to deal with the meaness and can also deal with the abuse whether physical or mental. It may not need to come to the point of "getting out". And yes sometimes it gets to that point (abuse) . Believe me I know, been there and done that. But if a transplant is a possibility and it happens and is successful that meaness/abusiveness may not be a factor in most cases. My husband got mean and abusive but if I left him and he had no one .....I could not live with myself. I would have felt like I deserted him.
Do I regret staying with him through thick and thin .. Heck no. For me .....marriage was for sickness and health. If I had to do it all over again would I? No doubt I would.
Not to say that it may not be the right choice for everyone. I was strong enough to handle him. I was healthy and he was not. But then we did not have a child at home either. So that changes the dynamatics. Lovit , Shelly is right..... for your your child and yourself you should check into counseling at the very least. Your husband can not help himself at this point. (Usually to make the transplant list the patient needs to be really sick.)
But whether he knows what he is doing or not, your 17 year old is probably not mature enough "not to take it personal". You husband is probably creating hurt so deep in your child that without counseling, your son will have a very rough road ahead of him. Try to make him understand that it is the disease and not him. His dad is very sick and can not help himself. Get him into counseling if you can.
If your husband is in fact strong enough to be so physically abusive that you or your son can not control him and it is a matter of either of you getting hurt, then maybe it would be better to have your husband put into a convelescent hospital or something. You know what you can take, but you do have to think of your son as well.

This is just my opinion. You have to do what you feel is right for your son and yourself. Thoughts and prayers.
Pink Grandma
Forum moderator-Hepatitis

When the going gets tough....the tough get going! Don't always know where I going but I get there anyways.


1Shelly1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 502
   Posted 3/1/2008 4:44 AM (GMT -7)   

loveit, I would like to back track and let me welcome you to the forum. I also want to apologize for my suggestion to get out. I did that out of reaction rather than thinking it thru. Having been a victim of spousal abuse in my first marriage I just reacted to your statement. Shame on me- I did something that I normally chastize others for and that is speaking without thinking.

 Shelly


Butterflythree
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 954
   Posted 3/1/2008 9:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi loveit, Welcome to the forum. I agree with Pink Grandma. Meanness is a part of the disease. My uncle passed away from the disease. He was a very quiet, gentle man that never raised his voice to anyone. As the disease progressed he got very mean verbally. As far as my husband goes who suffers from the disease now he can be very moody at times. I am so sorry that your family has to deal with this disease. It can be very hard. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. Please continue to visit us. There are many people here that understand what you are going through.
Butterflythree
 
There is always hope!


loveit
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 3/4/2008 8:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all very much for the advise. My husband would never hurt us physically. I can take it but when it goes to my kids, even my grown adult children it is very hard to stand by and listen. I have found myself nagging him all the time about it, and I am not sure that isn't making matters worse for him. I would never leave him, thank you again

wheredidigo
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 605
   Posted 3/7/2008 11:33 AM (GMT -7)   
If your husband has always had a tendency to be this way, the disease may be making it worse, but he also may have a chemical imbalance issue. Definately talk to his doctor about this and think about seeing a psych for further evaluation. My husband got very mean also and was put on mood stabilizers for bipolar disease. Sometimes we tend to blame problems on the health issues we know about, and forget there may be other problems that need to be dealt with. Just a suggestion, of course. Welcome to the forum:)
I am not sure where I am going, but I sure know where I've been!
 


loveit
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 3/11/2008 8:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you

exhaused
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 445
   Posted 3/11/2008 9:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Lolveit  My husband has ESLD and was diagnosed about 10 months ago.  He has regressed very rapidly.  He does not have a mean bone in his body.  Even when he was drinking he was never ever mean.  I used to tell him I wish he would be as good to himself as he is to everyone else.  I just wanted to let you know that he has started to swear which he never did and is getting verbaly mean to me at times.  He always apologizes to me but then does it again.  I know it has to be the disease.  I just wanted to share that with you.  I pray things will get better for you.  I would share it with his Dr.
I can't say what I would do if we had children at home.  I think I would set them down and explain the disease.  Help educate the children also.  Just a suggestion.  Hang in there.
 
JoAnn

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 3/15/2008 5:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Loveit, has your husband been going to AA or some type of alcohol counseling? If not, he has only "put the plug in the jug" and has not dealt with whatever issues caused him to drink so much in the first place. What has he replaced his drinking and smoking with? If nothing, then that can be a major reason he is mean. Liver disease also plays a part, but I as a sober alcoholic for 21 1/2 years, I can tell you that alcoholism is a disease of the body, mind, and spirit.

Hugs,
Connie
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