what now!!!!!!!!!!!

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allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 7/22/2008 5:46 AM (GMT -7)   
i visited my mum today and came back as depressed as ever. she has had this groin pain, which has now spread round to her lower back. she finds it hard to walk. she also holds herself under her ribs, so i guess she is hurting a lot. she has been in bed a lot over the last while. but now she is having to stay down the stairs and she cannot manage them. i looked at her legs and they felt very warm, they are also rock hard. we are waiting for the doctor to come.but she if she is told she needs to go to the hospital she won't go. she has been using her partners painkillers, which are like cocodamol.no effect.
i lost my uncle last week to liver failure and my sister contacted me today admitting to me that she is going the same way. i don't want to go through anything, i am trying hard to hold it together, but i am worried that i won't cope.
i read everyones kind comments and posts, but i feel unable to write back to others, how can i help anyone else if i can't help myself. i keep on working as that is a godsend it is one of the few places i go that i do not think of her.
my mum is still in denial, i wonder if she knows what is going on with her, and is putting on a good face. i try and see her a bit more often, but instead of treasuring time together, the atmosphere is always strained. its hard to look at her and have a normal conversation with her whilst she is drunk. she rejects all kinds of help, she has sent away carers. she holds me at distance, i feel totally helpless. will  her pain go away?

Pink Grandma
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 2445
   Posted 7/22/2008 6:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello (((Allie))), I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Don't worry about trying to help others right now. That's what great about this site is we all help each other when we can. So right now you need us and we are more than happy to try to help you through this awful time. And just telling your story is helping others are who are facing it .

Think about it Allie. If you were in her shoes and knew that how you lived your life....had brought this on would you feel comfortable accepting help from others. I am not so sure that I would be able to. And I know it was very hard for my husband to accept help.

At this stage her pain may not go away until she goes into a coma or passes on. Keep telling her no matter what that you still love her. Whether she accepts it or not, is not the point. It's her believing it within her heart. One of the many reasons that alcoholics drink is because they don't love themselves and if they don't, they can't see anyone else loving them either.

Hang in there.......thoughts and prayers........
Pink Grandma
Forum moderator-Hepatitis

When the going gets tough....the tough get going! Don't always know where I going but I get there anyways.


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 7/22/2008 7:41 AM (GMT -7)   
just got a call from her, doctors been.think she has cracked a bone, or similar. he has gave her strong pankillers and tablets that are going to stop her drnk.surely if it were that simple she would have had them long ago.my guess her partner is desperate and asked the doctor if there is anything he can give her to stop her.
my daughter is only 12 she has seen and been in the middle of many a conversation that was not intended to be talked about in front of her. i think i will keep her away for a while. all i got was moaned at saying that she was not important right now my mum was. i adopted my daughter when she was nearly 4 and feel this is not good for her. i never seem to be in the right.it is selfish of me to want a break from it all

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 7/22/2008 12:18 PM (GMT -7)   

Allie, my heart goes out to you.  I agree with you that your daughter should not be exposed to this environment.  It is too "adult" and confusing to her, I'm sure.

If I understood your last post correctly, a doctor has given your mom pain pills and pills to stop her from drinking.  He may have given her Antabuse, which should make her very sick to her stomach if she drinks on top of them.  Or he could have given her something newer that may inhibit the desire to drink.  However, I doubt either of them will work at this stage.  She may refuse to take them or drink anyhow, etc.  She very well could have a fracture from a fall, or even a stress fracture.

I agree with Pink Grandma that deep down she probably feels ashamed.  However, as a sober alcoholic, I can tell you that the main reason she is refusing help, hospitalization, etc., is that it would interfere with her drinking...which is the last thing she wants.  You can only help an alcoholic if they have a willing spirit--and from what you've said, she's definitely not willing.  I know when my alcoholism was bad, I didn't want to be anywhere that I couldn't drink or where I would be watched.  I certainly didn't want anyone in my home who could see how much I was drinking.

Please do not allow yourself to feel guilty whatsoever.  You have done nothing wrong.  You have to take care of yourself and your daughter.  At the rate she is going, your mom is not going to be in misery much longer.

Hugs,

Connie


frustrated_n_wv
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 469
   Posted 7/22/2008 1:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Allie
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all this at this time. Connie is right that your daughter should not be exposed to all the tension and strain between you and your mother right now. She does however need to be assured of your love and the love you have your own mother even at this time. I know it is difficult at her age completely understand what is going on, but try to do it in her language so she will have some knowledge and be able to understand your need to help. I don't think it is wrong at all to break from it all. I think we all do sometimes whether we are care givers or the patient, seek that moment of peace and "normalicy" of the times when illness was not in our lives. Please don't let yourself feel guilty over your feelings. You are allowed to feel anyway you choose.
Stay strong

Lucy

allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 7/23/2008 1:04 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks lucy, connie, pink grandma

i have a son at 19 he remembers my mum as she used to be.then she was a gran to him. unfortunately my daughter never really got to know her gran, which is a real pity as they both would have loved each others company. i had to tell my daughter of my mums illness as she did not understand all the arguments and tension. you are all helping me agreat deal to think clearer and be a little stronger. i get lost a long the road sometimes. it really has been good to talk. i have decided that from now on i am going to try and just visit her, not ask her about the drink and if she is taking her tablets and so on..... this causes too much friction. her partner is all over the place telling me they are managing one minute and phoning me going on at me that he can'tcope! but it must be so hard for him.

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 7/23/2008 8:54 PM (GMT -7)   

Allie, I think that's a good plan.  I'm glad you talked to your daughter.

Hugs,

Connie

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