i am only 19 right now. i got caught up with different kinds of drugs. i would have never pictured myself as using "hard" drugs until a month ago when i was smoking crack cocaine with someone who i wish never existed. i didnt inject or snort.
i soon realized that it was very very wrong and it was hurting me and my life. i stopped hanging out with the few people i became associated with and hid from the world. i didnt do anything. i didnt talk to anybody. i was at home and trying to think positive that everything will be okay once i go to school and get back into the right way of life. i was so embarrassed of my usage and my past. i hate myself. i have no interest in anything. i wake up everyday with heat up and down my spine just from thinking of what i did.
i had high hopes of getting rid of this urge to use. i never wanted to go back to the things i got caught up in. i became so depressed because the drug use was NOT part of my "plan". after i stopped i really stopped everything that was bad for me.
now i am so scared. and ashamed. i dont have any friends... i choose not to hang out with anyone that does drugs or drinks. because i know that i have an addictive personality....
my mom and my dad are the only ones i associate with.
im experiencing hepatitis symptoms and im sure i have it because ive done research and know that i was exposed to it.
they dont really know anything about the recent usage. they know in the past i had trouble with it and they thought i was done. they are such good people and it would give them heartattacks to know what has happened.
now im awaiting the results of a blood test. i know its going to be positive.
im going to have to tell my parents (the only people that love me) and tell them that their little girl was a dirty piece of crap. and went against every moral they had ever tried to put in my head. they will blame themselves. my mom especially (she suffers from manic depression...) im sickened by my actions. im just so so so sorry.
they are the only people that i know love me. they wont stop loving me but they are going to blame themselves for what ive done.
i enrolled in school and got a job and am starting work tomorrow and school on thursday. i just want to be normal again. im so scared. im so embarrassed. i will never commit suicide or anything close because i love my family way way way way too much to do that to them. every thought is turned down by picturing my mom and my dad dealing with it. i hate myself for what i got into. i will never go back. but now i have to deal with this. i cant exercise. im scared im going to do more damage. i go outside or walk around even and am automatically sweating profusely. its so gross. my hair and my skin are going wacko. im getting wierd achne that wont go away. i can barely eat. things that i should be eating arent appealing whatsoever. the only thing i look forward to is unhealthy foods. im just so thrown off any sort of normal activity.
im so so so scared. im so embarrassed and ashamed of my past. i cant stand myself. now i dont know what to do with my life now that i have this. ive looked into what "to be" when i grow up and im not good or interested in ANYTHING but caring for people. thats all i wanted to do was go into the health profession. now i have this and its not responisble for me to go into that with the risk factor.
i know i wont be able to make real friends because i cant be honest with anyone that wont judge me. i just want to know good religious people but i cant get to know people with my past that haunts me. i cant stop replaying all the stupid things that ive done.
i dont want to be paralyzed in life. i was smart in school. i had a future. now im stuck and everyday im scared. i know that even in the hepatitis support world im going to be judged for how stupid i was to contract this. (i had no idea what hep was)
everyone else got it from something they couldnt help. or it was when there was no awareness whatsoever. or they are older and realized it.
im so alone. im so scared. im deeply-deeply depressed even more than ive ever been. my body is rejecting me. and now i must treat this and go through this feeling (even worse) with the side effects. and my parents will know. they will see what im going through and will feel so bad for me. im so ashamed. i just wanted to start over when i quit and now i have nothing. and i have nothing to build off of. nothing to look forward to.
please someone tell me that i can grow up to be normal. any advice about what career path i should take now that i cant do what i had planned on (nursing). i dont think i will be ok.