it is not just the disease its all the heartache that goes with it

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allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 7/20/2009 5:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi
here i am again at the same stage again, my mum who has liver disease has been boosted up, made as best as she can be and is shouting to get out the hospital. i feel emotionally drained. for the last 2 years she has had a few near misses, but for the last 6 years it has been stressfull.
its bad enough dealing with her, but i have her partner to deal with too. he puts up with her drinking ( i say put up cause he takes all the abuse, cleans up the mess, and stresses out everyone else with his shouting and arguing), but he takes it out on me. my mum never lets me do anything, i offer she refuses, so does he. we had another set to at the hospital, where he cracked up saying i dont do enough, i am useless, i have a chip on my shoulder and i dont put myself out. i have a good husband, two children the youngest is 13. when she was serious in hospital, i was up every day, when she gets better, i go every second sometimes every third day. i have my gran her mum who is in a care home, who knows nothing about my mum, i visit her twice a week as she has no one else. i have no sisters, brothers, either does she and her friend dont want to know because she has changed through her drinking. i also work 30 hours per week. but no matter what i do it is never enough,   they praise their neighbours about how good they are, they are doing the things i offer to do.
i have thought long and hard about him saying i was selfish and had a chip on my shoulder. the only way i see this is  i am angry that the drink has lost me a mother and my children a loving grandmother. she is due to get out, no mention of staying off the drink as usual.i dare not mention it as she would bite my head off. should i forget everything and be visiting her most days, i don'twant my daughter growing up thinking i was never there. i told my mum she comes first, they resent that.so i don't know if i am going in for another fight. i want to walk away from it all, but if anything happens to her i might regret it.but i know she will die soon. am i being selfish not being there all the time. every time there is a fight i say i am not going to let them treat me this way, but i don'tknow what to do. even writing this all down is helping me, thanks for listening

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 7/20/2009 6:39 AM (GMT -7)   

Allie, I am so sorry for all the emotional turmoil you are going through, and it's no fault of yours.  I want you to know that you didn't cause it and you can't fix it.  You are doing all that you can, being there when you can.  Your offers of help have been refused.  Your first piority must be YOURSELF and then your own family.  Your mom has a codependent relationship with her partner.  He is allowing her to continue drinking and behave as she does.  He's probably angry at himself and doesn't even know it.

Nobody can tell you what to do.  You have to follow your heart.  But if you possibly can, try to detach from all the nonsense that is going on.  Focus on the medical and your mom's well being and ignore the rest.  There is something they say in Co-Dependents Anonymous that one can learn with practice:  Detach with love.  It means you still care, but you are not going to get caught up in all the game playing.

You know you can come here anytime to vent.  We are always here for you.

Big hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


Pink Grandma
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 2445
   Posted 7/20/2009 8:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Allie, I am so sorry that you are going through this. It sucks. Sometimes family can be so hurtful.


I don't know what things that your mom and step dad has turned to you down for but you might want to try this:
Don't ask what you can do for them..........tell them what you are going to do, (In a nice way mind you). Like clean the house go to the grocery store, or pick up meds.........what ever that you can do......WHEN you are able to do it. It is hard for some people to accept help........especially from family. (I don't know why that is but I have seen it in lot's of families, my own included).

Like Connie said, ignore all the stupid hurtful stuff. Detach from it........and focus on how best you can make it through this knowing that you were there for your mom and can feel good about yourself. I agree with Connie ......your own family comes first.....but I understand your need to try and help your mom as she is your family also. Life is a balancing act......this tight rope that everyone is walking and trying not to fall off. Leaning this way and then that way..........always trying to stay on even keel.

Allie......my thoughts and prayers are with you.........you can make it through this.
Pink Grandma
Forum moderator-Hepatitis

When the going gets tough....the tough get going! Don't always know where I going but I get there anyways.


BarbL64
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 7/20/2009 12:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Allie,

I got a good idea of what you're going through. Before my sister got sick I was taking care of a seriously ill friend with congestive heart failure, numerouse other health problems and a real bad drinking problem. I ended up having to choose between him and my boyfriend and I ended up choosing my friend because he had no one at all that would help him. Crazy isn't it...

My sister who is currently in the hospital gets angry at me all the time. They lash out usually at the person who is there the most for them. It is the nature of illness. Don't let your family bring you down, what is said in the heat of the moment usually wasn't really intended to come out to begin with.

Try to be strong, we are here for you.
Barbara

1Shelly1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 502
   Posted 7/20/2009 2:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Allie,
I think you have some options available to you in this. It is so hard to deal with an ill family member even under the best of circumstances. I really feel for you. I have seen this happen repeatedly over the years of being a nurse. I have seen parents verbally abuse their adult children and make them feel really bad. Often times for no apparent reason. It seems like no matter how much you give or are willing to sacrifice it is never enough and never right. That's how it seems when this happens right? I can only tell you that I have encouraged family members in your situation to tell the truth to the ill person. If you decide to talk to her about it then set the right tone. Tell her during a quiet moment that you'd like to talk to her. Then say something like this maybe:(For example) "Mom you know I love you very much and I'm sorry you don't feel well. I am doing all I can to be here with you, spend time with you, and do whatever you need some help with. I am your daughter and I want to help you any way I can. When you treat me harshly it hurts me. You know mom I have a family of my own, a husband and 3 kids that need me too. I work 30 hours a week and still do my own household chores. But, because I love you so much I come as often as I can and do whatever I can. My heart is with you every day and I think about you when I am not with you. I feel that you are angry with me right now and I'm not sure why. Is there something you would like to talk about? Is there something specific that you want me to do for you?
Wait for a response and if she says no she isn't angry or whatever then tell her that she is hurting your feelings when she is critical or non verbal with you. You may even want to have the step father there too. Getting it all out in the open may help. There is a risk that she could really become agitated but the truth is you can not go on feeling the way you do. This is only a suggestion and something for you to think about.
If you decide not to deal with it in this way that is OK. Only you know what you are willing or able to do. It may be easier to just limit your visits and time with her. Whatever works for you but you do have to do something.
I know that at some level we can all relate to what you're feeling. GOD Bless and just remember that she is sick. Connie is right in that your stepdad is an enabler to her. You can not control anyone else or what or how they will respond to any situation. The only thing you really have control over is what you do with the situation.
 
 
 
 Shelly
 

“Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."

 


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 7/22/2009 2:25 AM (GMT -7)   

mum got out yesterday. really surprised me as the nurses told me the day before she would be in for a few weeks.

i did try and talk calmy to her, i told her i loved her but was finding it too hard. i said the only way i could be there for her is if she was truthful and honest no matter if she still drank or not. she looked me straight in the eye and asked me what i was talking about, she said she quit drinking long ago and did not know what i was going on about. i asked her if she remembered the circumstances of her going in, she did not, i told her she denied it. so i told her the last time she saw me she was going for her bottle, i argued with taxi driver, she told me never to come back. she said i must have done something to her to say that. she does not accept anything, even when she is drunk she will swear she has not touched it. she did say she would give anything to get on with me, and agreed with her partner that i should do more. when she is out hospital i phone most days, but only see her once a week. i see my gran twice cause she has no one else and she needs me.my visits to her and nearly always horrible, i never know how to find her, i have lost count the amount of times i have left in tears.  when i bring my daughter, she has witnessed things she should not at her age, so i try not to bring her. it is not pleasant.

i know it will only be a few days until i hear her voice slurred on the phone. but i really want to learn to detach myself from all the hurt. there is a slight chance that she will stay off the drink, but i dont think so.  i know she struggles hard with it and i understand that.                                                                                                                                                       
this forum is great everyone is so understanding, i think cause they all have been through something similar. it helps give you strength. i know a lot of this is my fault because i allow myself to get in these situations.

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 7/22/2009 1:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Allie, Rick is right on the money with all that he said--especially that your mum sees you as an obstacle to her drinking.  She is totally in denial.  It's amazing how people can be drunk and smell like a brewery and swear up and down that they've not had a drop of alcohol.  With me, it was pretty obvious when I was drinking so I never lied about it, except to minimize the amount I was drinking.  I remember how my mother used to hide all her empty beer cans in the closet, thinking nobody would know she'd been drinking.  But she would be passed out every afternoon when I came home from school.  The only one she was fooling was herself.
 
I don't know that I can say I'm glad your mum is out of the hospital, as I feel sure she's going to drink at the first opportunity.  Please do remember what we've said, though.  You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to feel guilty about.
 
Big hugs,
Connie
hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


Pink Grandma
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 2445
   Posted 7/22/2009 10:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Allie, count me too...........YOU have nothing to feel quilty about and it is not your fault. My brother who's in the hospital right now is a like your mom in that..........He accepts no responsibility in any wrong doings.......it's always someone's fault.......he's been that way since we were kids. But he knows now, that he can't snow me. I tell it to him like it is.....but he's my brother not my mother.....come to think of it........ before my mom died I was pretty vocal about her alcoholisml and I was only a teenager when she died......what can I say..........I don't know when to shut up.

Hang in there.........thoughts and prayers...........
Pink Grandma
Forum moderator-Hepatitis

When the going gets tough....the tough get going! Don't always know where I going but I get there anyways.


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 7/23/2009 3:58 AM (GMT -7)   
sometimes you feel that all you can remember is bad times. its only when i look at photos from years ago, i see and remember happy times.
my son remembers his gran from years ago when she was ok, he is 20 now, quite bitter now about it all. he is still too immature and cant understand why she chooses drink over family. me, i realise she is powerless. my daughter only know the arguments and the uneasy times. she associates her gran with me crying and being angry, i try not to do that now.
alcoholism is rife in my family, my grandad died of cirrhosis, his brother, my father (who i met in my thrirties) is an alcoholic, my half sister, and my mums youngerbrother died of the same thing last year. it is the same with my husband family.
i do agree with the comments that the alcoholic wants no one to see how much they are drinking,she is in complete denial.
i do admire anyone who has the strength to change their lives by quitting, it takes a lot of hard work teaching yourself a different coping mechanism. i know my mum is deeply unhappy, no confidence and desperately wishes her life was different. butat the same time, she has never really tried to abstain and give herself a chance....
 
 
 
 

BarbL64
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 7/23/2009 12:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Allie,

My sister just got out of the hospital on Tuesday. She wanted to know how she had ended up in the hospital. She had no memory of all the pills she took or of the Vodka she started off with. I've taken her car keys away and try my hardest to keep my hands on her ATM card, but you know they are so caught up in it that nothing will stop them. They become use to the lie and start to believe it. I can ask my sister if she drank anything and she will tell me no, but chances are I can find a bottle hiden some place. Alcoholism is a nasty illness. I don't know how you would feel about it but AA does have a group for families of alcoholics that may help.

I find as much work as I can to keep me busy and it helps some but I'm more of the type of person that can keep shoving my negative emotions down, which I don't recommend.

you'll be in my prayers,
Barbara

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 7/23/2009 3:51 PM (GMT -7)   

Barb, the group you are thinking of is Al-Anon.  It's for any family member, loved one, or friend who is interested in coping with the alcoholism of someone they know.  It teaches you to share what you are experiencing and there are 12-Steps for Al-Anon, too.  Another good group, which is an off-shoot of AA and also uses 12 steps is Co-Dependents Anonymous.  I really got a lot out of that one.  If you call Alcoholics Anonymous in the phone book, they can direct you to a nearby meeting of one of the other groups.

Hugs,

Connie



hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Post Edited (hep93) : 7/24/2009 3:56:06 PM (GMT-6)


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 7/24/2009 12:33 AM (GMT -7)   

yes i think they start to believe the lie themselves. i havr tried al anan a couple of times, it was ok a lot of good caring people. trouble is time, i dont have much. these groups do certainly help a lot of people,maybe i will go back if i get some free time.

i work as a beauty therapist, doing massage, reflexology all the usual. i love my job, my clients are good. i like helping others feel good about themselves. it is not highly paid but its local with no stress, which suits me fine. i go there and forget about my mum for a wee while so its been good for me. i have only been working the last two years, before that i was a housewife looking after my kids. my job is my way of being a little selfish, doing something i want, if you know what i mean.

 


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 7/24/2009 2:41 PM (GMT -7)   
yes rick, some times it as if you get programmed into having to worry about something only cause you are used tohaving to do so. you get caught up in--- i wonder how bad she is tonight,or thats me having to trail up to the hospital or i cant take any more situations.people say to you i dont know how you manage, or i feel so sorry for you and you start to wallow a little in self pity. that just makes situations worse.
 
and Barbara, my mum lost her license through drink driving. she was locked up in a cell for hours years ago.i was glad as she drove many times with a drink in her, falling out her car in front of the neighbours. it was for the best, as hiding her keys, arguing with her only made situations worse.i found out years later that the bottle of water she always had was full of straight vodka. it lay in the car also at her workstation where she finally got the sack. i think like i said its not just the disease it is all the heartache that goes with it that is so true
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