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allie2631
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Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 7/27/2009 3:36 PM (GMT -7)   
my mum has been sounding a lot clearer the last couple of days. i decided to take the opportunity whilst i could. it was her birthday today, she was 62. as arranged i was to pick her up and take her to see her mum then go out for dinner. first call to me this morning she was coming, the second she was going out the third she was not coming. i knew she would be drunk when i visited her, but i took her flowers. she sat staring refusing to admit she had just drank 2/3 of a 40 oz of vodka. she could still function and talk ok, why can she function on that amount of drink. i want to understand how she feels so i can feel close to her. i did not get roped into any arguments. i left and i feel numb. she is very clever at biding her time, making everyone think she is ok, but eventually she slips up. i don'tknow what to say to her, i know she will die from this addiction, and it hurts me so much that she won't try. now her partner is furious again, calling her every name cause he is hurt, but the cycle begins. i do not want to bring my 13 year old daughter into that environment again.  how can someone who has been near death a few times keep doing the same thing to herself. i dont think i will ever understand it
 

1Shelly1
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   Posted 7/27/2009 4:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Allie, I can feel your sadness and feeling of hopelessness. I am so sorry. It is hard for a person who is not addicted to drugs or alcohol to understand. The need for the drug/alcohol supercedes any other need. The addiction consumes their lives. They will forego food, family, work, or anything else to fulfill the need they have. I don't think that anyone who has an addiction started out thinking it would get to this point. She didn't start drinking thinking to herself, "OH boy, I can't wait toe an alcoholic." Unfortunately it creeps up on them and then there is NO control. Believe me, if they could just stop they would. Without a willingness to stop drinking it is doubtful that she ever will. Even though to you and me it seems like her near death experiences would cause her to stop. There is NO logic to it....just an overwheming need for the alcohol. That is what she thinks about every waking hour. What drove her to drink in the first place may never be known to you. The fact remains that she is an alcoholic and she wants to continue drinking no matter what the end result is.
I think it is wise of you to avoid letting your 13 yr. old see her grandma like this. I also think it was wise that you kept your visit short. As you know questions and lecturing her isn't going to change her. She evidently doesn't have the will to do it. Keep your visits short, tell her you love her, and when you can help with things around the house. When she acts out or says mean things to you, try not to take it personal. That's why it's best to keep the visits short.
 Shelly
 

“Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."

 


hep93
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Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 7/27/2009 6:14 PM (GMT -7)   

As a sober alcoholic/addict, I can tell you that Shelly described addiction perfectly.  I just happened to be one of the few lucky ones who really hated living like that and wanted to stop.  I had to want to stop more than continue drinking and drugging.  The first year was very difficult.  When I was using, there was nothing anyone could say to me to make me stop.  So Shelly has given you very good advice.  Keep your visits short.  Try not to expose your daughter to her.  If she asks about her grandmother, just tell her she is a sick person.

I am so sorry.  I know you would like for things to be different.  But it is what it is.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


allie2631
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Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 7/28/2009 2:58 AM (GMT -7)   

yes i believe that you both are right.

sometimes i get wrapped up in the "will she drink again this time?" scenario. but when i sit back iknow she is powerless, but i get angry at myselffor going down that road.

i do honestly believe that it is in her mind constantly. i think she wishes she was dead, she hates herself and is desperately unhappy , i do wishe that her suffering would end, i do understand that she does not enjoy drinking but needs it to function. when she drinks her partner constantly verbally abuses her, its a disgrace he would be a better man if he could just walk away.
 
 
thank you for helping me understand how powerless she is to alcohol, i wish i could carry on the way i see best, without me having to explain and justify my actions to others. 

BarbL64
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Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 7/28/2009 9:42 AM (GMT -7)   
So sorry that things went the way they did. I've gotten to the point myself that I don't plan anything because I never know when a Vodka bottle is magically appear.

It's so hard to watch the self discrictive behavior of someone with addiction, especially if we have never been addicted ourselves.

You may want to live for the moment instead of try to make plans with her. The addiction makes them to unpredictable. You can't let her continually rip your heart out. I'm sure you love your mom as I love my sister but when it all comes down we have to do what best for us. Otherwise we won't be able to continue helping them.

allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 7/29/2009 1:21 AM (GMT -7)   

the funny thing is i did stop all the planning years ago, as every single time something was planned it was as if it gave her the excuse. its just that there always is a tiny glimmer of hope deep somewhere in your heart, that i might get my mum back, i might be able to salvage some sort of relationship with her.

like many others i have seen my mother in ways a daughter shouldn't have. struggling to cope with any conversation, constantly repeating herself just barely exisiting. i have seen her lying in her own dirt, bacause she is so drunk she cant stand. years ago we just had the drunk who was so out of it. now she is a shadow of herself, and sometimes i really do feel her pain. i think if it were an ordinary illness it would be different.

 


1Shelly1
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   Posted 7/29/2009 6:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Allie, I know that you feel bad and wish that things were different. You are caring and kind and deep down your mom knows that. For your own sake though I hope that you can come to the place that you just accept her the way she is. Again I will say that you can't change anyone. They are who and what they are. The only thing I think you can do is learn to deal with her at the acceptance level. The reality is that she will continue to live like this until either she decides to stop drinking or the alcohol kills her. I understand the hope aspect and I agree with you. Hope is the only thing we have sometimes and can sustain us through difficult times.
 Shelly
 

“Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."

 


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 8/2/2009 12:51 PM (GMT -7)   
WENT INTO see her today, the first time since her birthday on monday. i took your advice, kept it short, tried to ignore how she looked.it was very hard.she was really drunk, lying with a towels full of sick wrapped under her, she would not let me touch it. the room stank, she pretended to read, asking me how i was and so on..her partner proceeded to rant about how drunk she had been and how sick she was and how she should be put in a home. this time i tried to rise above it, i just stood up and said my goodbyes. i didnot want to get involved in humilaiting her, calling her names etc, so i left. i will try to keep the visits short, but meanwhile jumping when the phone goes.she has made her decision, or it has been made for her.i am trying to accept it.but i find it so hard even trying to have some conversation with her without it coming round to how bad she looks.is this the best way to deal with it.  right now i feel like an emotional wreck, i have had one of the worse weekends with my own family (the usual arguements) and i feel as if i am getting it from both angles. everyone telling me what i am doing wrong. i will go to bed tonight and hopefully wake up with some fresh energy in the morning.once again thanks for your comments

hep93
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Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 8/2/2009 3:09 PM (GMT -7)   

Allie, if your visiting is causing problems with your own family, and it is really taking a toll on you, perhaps you should just not do it.  You know what you will see and hear when you go to her.  It may be time to really let go.

Hugs,

C.


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 8/3/2009 1:12 AM (GMT -7)   

i think i have just had a bad weekend, things have been blown out of proportion in my house, with my son and daughter (nothing to do with their gran). i just feel a little fragile right now, and i suppose alittle sorry formyself. saturday all day i allowed myself to be locked into a blazing argument, between my son who is 20, thinks he knows it all like them all and i ended up arguing with my husband which we never do, then i visited my mum and saw her as she is.i know now it was the wrong time to go but i did not know when i would get in again. i suppose a lesson is learned.

i think because of what i have went through lately with my mum, it has made me more touchy and easier to upset.

today i fell a good bit better, thanks for listening


1Shelly1
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Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 502
   Posted 8/3/2009 5:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Allie, I think that you have gone the extra mile with your mom. At some point your own family and your sanity has to come first. Hep93 is right. It may be better not to go. Only you can decide that however. Maybe you have to sit in a quiet area by yourself and make some decisions about what you can handle and what you can't handle. The fact that your mom doesn't have a clearly lucid time it seems that your visits are more for your benefit than hers. You have nothing to feel guilt or remorse over. She has made it clear to you that she has chosen to continue drinking. If you choose not to visit her and accept the fact that this is her own chosen path that does not mean that you don't love her. It only means that your visits are not beneficial to you or her. Sometimes the hardest decisions we have to make in life has to have the benefit and cost (to you and her) as part of the decision making process. Maybe you can ask yourself some basic questions such as, does it help her when you go there? Does it help you? Do you feel GOOD when you see her? Does she feel better when she sees you? Dis the visit accomplish anything? You get the idea I'm sure. That's not to say you should never go there, instead make your visits less frequent and shorter.
 Shelly
 

“Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."

 


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 8/5/2009 2:10 AM (GMT -7)   
i  have thought long and hard about your comments.  the visiting upsets me, very rarely do i get anything out of it. if i was to be honest i would say i am frightened of not going in case she dies thinking i never cared. although everyone says deepdown, she knows i love her, but she forgets a lot. i tried to make my visit short, but apparently, her partner though i was in a mood and stormed off.i told him that i could not listen to him bring my mum down and call her for everything, whilst watching my mum being incapable. she is back in hospital again, she took another seizuire, they think she has suffered another bleed in the brain. all my mum is worrying about is the arguing, he is not strong enough to tell her what he wants so he tells her i want her put away, which is not true. i am putting aside all things that don'treally matter. i wont be brought into an argument, as it is hard enough dealing with her illness. i want to be strong and just think one day at a time. i am going to try and detach myself a little, i don't think it takes much to make me cry rightnow,thats not what i was like before.
my mum was like a baby, helpless yesterday, my heart went out to her. her doctors asked her how her health was, she told them she usually keeps well, that sums her up.she has got remarkable powers of recovery, but one day she will run out of luck.

1Shelly1
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Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 502
   Posted 8/5/2009 7:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Allie, I know that this process is difficult for you. Just keep in mind that your children and husband have to come first. Your visits to her are better spent short and infrequent. That way when you do go you can keep your conversations about your kids, the weather, any activities you may be involved in, and very simple noncontroversial topics. Then say your goodbyes and leave while there is no bickering or anything. If the conversation turns into any sort of verbal battle nip it in the bud. Tell them you have an appointment or something. I mean immediately when the conversation is going in the wrong direction find a reason to leave. Maybe that will keep the peace and allow you to see her on occasion. Just a thought.
 Shelly
 

“Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."

 


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 8/6/2009 6:14 PM (GMT -7)   

Shelly, thank you for jumping in and giving Allie such good suggestions.  I am finally back online after moving on Mon., but am having to do it via dial-up since my new ISP/Broadband won't be in place until the 13th--and I'm going into the hospital on the 12th!  So thank you for your help, and if you can continue to pinch-hit for me throughout Aug., that would be so much appreciated by both myself, PG, and the members here.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


worriedgirl
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Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 8/20/2009 10:54 AM (GMT -7)   

i totally understand! my mom is a alcoholic and drug addict. right now she is either good at hiding it or she is clean, but sometimes i think she is drunk when i talk to her but i doubt myself cause she is saying she clean and that maybe i am imagining it. i think she is clean right now but from experience i dont know how long it will last. i hope she stays clean cause she is sick with hep c and cirrhosis and i dont want her to get work and i am spending my time trying to get her social security and better. they do this because the addiction tells them to. it is hard for them to fight it and harder for them if they dont want to. i can say that all you can do is what you can do and only that.

my hubby and friends all tell me that i am being a stand up daughter but they wouldnt do it because she wasnt a good mother to me but all i see is the fact she is my mom. yes she wasnt a good mom and she makes my life hell sometimes but i know i have to be a good daughter to set an example for my kid.

but that is all me for you do what you feel you need to and if you need to talk i am here.


Pink Grandma
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Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 2445
   Posted 8/21/2009 11:19 AM (GMT -7)   
(((Worriedgirl))), I totally applaud you. You are right on........you don't have to continue the circle of bad parenting.........children do learn by example. You go Girl...........keep doing what feel that you need to do concerning your mom. I just did it for my brother........against lot's of advice from other family members and friends. My brother died, but at least I can feel good about myself that I was there for him in his hour of need. Nobody can take that away from me. And I have no regrets.

Hang in there........thoughts and prayers..........
Pink Grandma
Forum moderator-Hepatitis

When the going gets tough....the tough get going! Don't always know where I going but I get there anyways.


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 8/24/2009 1:04 AM (GMT -7)   

iknow that feeling worried girl, you feel guilty about wondering if they sound as ifthey have been drinking. because they get used to lying, it comes natural to them, you tend to think it might be your imagination but usually i find that my instincts are right first time.

it is coming to the time i am dreading. two weeks ago i was told my mum might have alcoholic dementia to add to her other problems.it was suggested by nurses that she goes into care. after debating hher partner decides to look after her. he knows all the pitfalls, but feels sorry for her. she is lying to everyone about how she gets on in the house. she paints a very nice picture of how life could be but not how it really is. she is refusing any help. so i know what that means. my gran was very ill with pneumonia last week and has taken another relapse. my mum seems to have written her off. she says things like "oh well what can i do, i do my best, what can we expect she is 89", she only stays 5 mins drive from the home she could see her a couple of times a week, she has only been about twice this year.

i love my mum, but the addiction has completely destroyed my relationship with her. which makes me so sad. i need to be strong for my gran right now because i feel she might need me most. i am just dreading it starting up again.

 


worriedgirl
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Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 8/24/2009 3:24 AM (GMT -7)   
you know allie, they say sometimes the best love you can give is tough love. if you feel you must help her then i say go for it but get some sort of help structure, dont go at it alone. you need to have someone to vent to cause you are gonna need it. if she is hurtful to you and doesnt want help then sometimes its best to walk away and let her hit rock bottom.

my mom hit rock bottom when she had to live in a homeless shelter for a year and was on the streets and then the diagnosis with hep. c. i never cut her loose but i did cut back visits and she is not alowed to be around my kid alone, mean yes, necessary yes, my fault no, its her fault. she is not allowed at my house because of stealing my hubbys car years ago and leaving a crack pipe in his car. but i can honestly say my mom wants the help and after all the hard work is appreciative of my actions. it was a long bumpy road believe me and the main support i received was from here. my hubby cant stand my mom and i dont like to bother him about her cause of that although he listens whenever i do talk about her but i know how he feels about her.

i too long for the relationship i should have had with her but i ended up having with my grandma(i wouldnt change the relationship with my gma though. my mom is my bio mom but my grandma is my real mom and she has died. she raised me til i was eight) but that relationship i will never have with her cause the trust is gone completely but i do have a relationship with her now and it is different but it is working. it is not the one i would have liked but it more like friend with arms stretched out wide so i dont get hurt. everytime i have gotten my hopes up she has hurt me so now i keep her at arms length to avoid the hurt and the pain cause i cant deal no with anymore. sad part is i will be dealing with more pain when the disease finally kills my mom cause despite the little relationship i have with her i love her more than i will ever say to her cause she is my mom.

please if taking care of your mom is destroying you dont let it. if you cant handle it and walk away no one would blame you, sometimes that is what is necessary. if your mom dont want help you cant help her. she will only get better(or at least hep c way of better which is never completely but can be manageable) if she wants to and puts forth t he effort. with the demetia im afraid things could get worse in how she treats people. dementia has a way of breaking you down. good luck and please keep us posted

allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 8/24/2009 9:37 AM (GMT -7)   
worried girl thanks for the advice,like you my gran brought me up so i am so close to her. although my mum has not been out on the streets, she has been lucky to have had her own house bought and paid for, she is very comfortable with money. although it has gradually been going down because of her drinking taxi expenses. she also had did some horrible things to my gran and me. and for years it always has been a one way relationship, with me doing all the trying. she has nearly died several times, through things relatedto her abuse. everyone keeps saying about the rock bottom, but i also have been told frommany people including alcoholics and doctors that some people never reach or do not have a rock bottom. sad fact but a lot of people are not strong enough to fight against it and change their life. i know in my heart that is the case for my mum. i think i love her because she is my mum and i should love her.i feel for her when she is upset or in pain.
things are also not rosy in my house, my kids argue constantly and there always seems to be something going on. i love my husband dearly and have a strong marriage, he is good with my gran and also has been good with my mum. but i fear he is getting fed up with it all, that is why i have been venting here.
selfishly i see my own life the last 5 yearsbeing constantly up at hospital with my mum and gran. the first two were terrible as mum was always at the hospital drunk. before that were the bad times with my mum, all the disappointments, thedrunken rages everything that goes with an alcoholic in full swing. i dont want to wake up one morning and realise that im middle aged and through the important stages of my kids lives i have been preoccupied with my mum who does not even give an inch back. yes, i know what pain feels like, sometimes i try and see if i can getclose to her,but she pushes me away all the time. so maybe i am not as strong as you or others, because i am very close to giving up on our relationship.especially when my mum is on the verge of getting out again, and it will all start again.
i tried to walk away a good many years ago, this was when she was giving my gran a hard time, driving drunk all the time amongst other things. i saw her only once in a period of two years. but i was not strong enough to keep away
 

worriedgirl
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Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 8/24/2009 3:31 PM (GMT -7)   
hun i wouldnt blame you if you did walk away. if you walk away doesnt mean you are not strong. you are strong. honestly for years i didnt walk away out of obligation as a daughter not out of love. then when she got sick it was out of love and fear. now we have a decent(not perfect but better relationship) but not all cases are the same. honestly if your mom has no intention  of changing walking away may be the best for you. only you know what is best for you.  honestly i should have walked away from my mom years ago and it would have saved me a lot of headaches but i seen in my mom the fact she wanted to change but couldnt, now she can. obviously your mom doesnt want to. if you walk away then i  commend you for doing what is best for you. your kids arguing that is normal but rest assured that will change. your hubby sounds like a great guy and if he loves you he will stay there for yu. good luck and we are here for you. this site  has helped me so much in helping me and my mom and i know they can help you.
 
if it makes you feel better you are alot like i was and still am.

allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 8/25/2009 12:36 AM (GMT -7)   

that is good news that your mum wants to and is trying her best. that in itself, gives you hope. it means that you are able to have some sort of relationship with her. it must be really hard for her to fight her demons and i wish her success.

every once in a wee while i see a glimpse of what my mum used to be like. although we were never really close we had a decent relationship and saw each other regularly. i looked forward to seeing her, it was a time when arguments were very few and she absolutely adored my son who is 20, who stayed over regularly. when i think back she went out very regularly and did drink heavy but it was always only when she went out. i do not know why or when it all started but i do remember being very shocked. i adoptedmy daughter 10 years ago when she was three. she never got the chance to bond with her because her drinking had been a big problem. my heart aches for what could have been. they could have been so close, it would have been so good for both of them. i feel as if i am in mourning for my lost mum, does that sound daft. but thats the way i feel. i know in my heart she wishes things could have been different, but the alcohol got in the way.  although she admits and sees what it has done to her physically she has yet to admit that she cannot give up by herself and go for that extra help.

i think i have got that used to worrying about things, that i feel i have always have to worry over something. learning not to worry is hard but i am trying.

on the positive note, i still do enjoy my job and have been going to the gym twice a week no matter what for the last 12 weeks. that  is what i have been doing for myself and that makes me feel good. i have also signed up to do a little voluntary work with the elderley.

 


worriedgirl
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Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 8/25/2009 3:15 AM (GMT -7)   
that is great that you are helping people. you are a strong person. i wish you all the best and if you need to talk i am here. it sounds like we have been through something similar. it sucks yes but it makes us a stronger person. we are who we are because of how things turned out. for me this disease has brought something good does that make sense although i wish she never got it but if she didnt she would still be drinking and doing drugs. one day i may tell you my complete story of her and see if we are as similar as we think and to help get it off my chest.
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