“Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."
As a sober alcoholic/addict, I can tell you that Shelly described addiction perfectly. I just happened to be one of the few lucky ones who really hated living like that and wanted to stop. I had to want to stop more than continue drinking and drugging. The first year was very difficult. When I was using, there was nothing anyone could say to me to make me stop. So Shelly has given you very good advice. Keep your visits short. Try not to expose your daughter to her. If she asks about her grandmother, just tell her she is a sick person.
I am so sorry. I know you would like for things to be different. But it is what it is.
yes i believe that you both are right.
sometimes i get wrapped up in the "will she drink again this time?" scenario. but when i sit back iknow she is powerless, but i get angry at myselffor going down that road.
the funny thing is i did stop all the planning years ago, as every single time something was planned it was as if it gave her the excuse. its just that there always is a tiny glimmer of hope deep somewhere in your heart, that i might get my mum back, i might be able to salvage some sort of relationship with her.
like many others i have seen my mother in ways a daughter shouldn't have. struggling to cope with any conversation, constantly repeating herself just barely exisiting. i have seen her lying in her own dirt, bacause she is so drunk she cant stand. years ago we just had the drunk who was so out of it. now she is a shadow of herself, and sometimes i really do feel her pain. i think if it were an ordinary illness it would be different.
Allie, if your visiting is causing problems with your own family, and it is really taking a toll on you, perhaps you should just not do it. You know what you will see and hear when you go to her. It may be time to really let go.
i think i have just had a bad weekend, things have been blown out of proportion in my house, with my son and daughter (nothing to do with their gran). i just feel a little fragile right now, and i suppose alittle sorry formyself. saturday all day i allowed myself to be locked into a blazing argument, between my son who is 20, thinks he knows it all like them all and i ended up arguing with my husband which we never do, then i visited my mum and saw her as she is.i know now it was the wrong time to go but i did not know when i would get in again. i suppose a lesson is learned.
i think because of what i have went through lately with my mum, it has made me more touchy and easier to upset.
today i fell a good bit better, thanks for listening
Shelly, thank you for jumping in and giving Allie such good suggestions. I am finally back online after moving on Mon., but am having to do it via dial-up since my new ISP/Broadband won't be in place until the 13th--and I'm going into the hospital on the 12th! So thank you for your help, and if you can continue to pinch-hit for me throughout Aug., that would be so much appreciated by both myself, PG, and the members here.
i totally understand! my mom is a alcoholic and drug addict. right now she is either good at hiding it or she is clean, but sometimes i think she is drunk when i talk to her but i doubt myself cause she is saying she clean and that maybe i am imagining it. i think she is clean right now but from experience i dont know how long it will last. i hope she stays clean cause she is sick with hep c and cirrhosis and i dont want her to get work and i am spending my time trying to get her social security and better. they do this because the addiction tells them to. it is hard for them to fight it and harder for them if they dont want to. i can say that all you can do is what you can do and only that.
my hubby and friends all tell me that i am being a stand up daughter but they wouldnt do it because she wasnt a good mother to me but all i see is the fact she is my mom. yes she wasnt a good mom and she makes my life hell sometimes but i know i have to be a good daughter to set an example for my kid.
but that is all me for you do what you feel you need to and if you need to talk i am here.
iknow that feeling worried girl, you feel guilty about wondering if they sound as ifthey have been drinking. because they get used to lying, it comes natural to them, you tend to think it might be your imagination but usually i find that my instincts are right first time.
it is coming to the time i am dreading. two weeks ago i was told my mum might have alcoholic dementia to add to her other problems.it was suggested by nurses that she goes into care. after debating hher partner decides to look after her. he knows all the pitfalls, but feels sorry for her. she is lying to everyone about how she gets on in the house. she paints a very nice picture of how life could be but not how it really is. she is refusing any help. so i know what that means. my gran was very ill with pneumonia last week and has taken another relapse. my mum seems to have written her off. she says things like "oh well what can i do, i do my best, what can we expect she is 89", she only stays 5 mins drive from the home she could see her a couple of times a week, she has only been about twice this year.
i love my mum, but the addiction has completely destroyed my relationship with her. which makes me so sad. i need to be strong for my gran right now because i feel she might need me most. i am just dreading it starting up again.
that is good news that your mum wants to and is trying her best. that in itself, gives you hope. it means that you are able to have some sort of relationship with her. it must be really hard for her to fight her demons and i wish her success.
every once in a wee while i see a glimpse of what my mum used to be like. although we were never really close we had a decent relationship and saw each other regularly. i looked forward to seeing her, it was a time when arguments were very few and she absolutely adored my son who is 20, who stayed over regularly. when i think back she went out very regularly and did drink heavy but it was always only when she went out. i do not know why or when it all started but i do remember being very shocked. i adoptedmy daughter 10 years ago when she was three. she never got the chance to bond with her because her drinking had been a big problem. my heart aches for what could have been. they could have been so close, it would have been so good for both of them. i feel as if i am in mourning for my lost mum, does that sound daft. but thats the way i feel. i know in my heart she wishes things could have been different, but the alcohol got in the way. although she admits and sees what it has done to her physically she has yet to admit that she cannot give up by herself and go for that extra help.
i think i have got that used to worrying about things, that i feel i have always have to worry over something. learning not to worry is hard but i am trying.
on the positive note, i still do enjoy my job and have been going to the gym twice a week no matter what for the last 12 weeks. that is what i have been doing for myself and that makes me feel good. i have also signed up to do a little voluntary work with the elderley.