having to be strong

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allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 8/28/2009 2:16 PM (GMT -7)   
right now i feel as if i am going through the toughest time yet. my gran (mums mum) is slowly sliiping away from me, she is in a home, cant walk, contracted pneumonia few weeks ago. she refuses to eat and is drinking very little, she has been like that for over two weeks, she has no energy. she was 89 yesterday, i am very close to her as she brought me up.
my mumgot out the hospital on Tuesday. she is disorientated, desperate to get out on her own ( we presume she is desperate for a drink as she is bad tempered ect), do not know if she has already drank or not. she seemed better in hospital, when i went to collect her she had her top on wrong, and was talking very slowly. as you know she has reused all sorts of home care help,the nurse advised me she might have alcoholic dementia, and needed to be in  care for for her own safety, at first her partner agreed to get her assessed, then he says he will bring her home and look after her.two days on he is pulling his hair out, already going on at me telling me i ought to put her away, he says he has had enough....
i feel as if it is going to be hard enough going through this with my gran.i have been told they are just making her comfortable, i think it does not look good. my mum seems to have her already dead and buried.she visited yesterday,but i will be surpirised if she goes back as she is so wrapped up in herself. she looks and acts ill.
i cant cope with my mum righ now as i want to concentrate on my poor gran as i realy do not know how long she has left. how long can the elderley survive without food???
tonight my mum never even mentioned her mumand i feel upset at that. i hope i find the strength somewhere

1Shelly1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 502
   Posted 8/28/2009 2:51 PM (GMT -7)   
allie, watching a loved one slip away is very hard. It doesn't seem to matter that they are up in years at all. The pain of the loss is still the same. If your gran is contractured (all bet up and stiff) and is not eating and barely drinking it probably won't take long for her to slip away. Bless her heart. Thinking of a choice between death and living like that I think I would opt for death. At least then there is no more suffering. You will be able to keep all the wonderful memories she has given you alive and share with others how good she was. That will give you some peace of mind. She has lived a full life and I am sure that you brought great joy to her. I think it is best for you to concentrate on your gran right now. She needs your comfort more than your mom at this time. Besides, you can not divide yourself into so many pieces. One thing at a time. Your mom has her friend there with her and he will continue to care for her as he always has. You may need to take a step backwards and not have anything to do with her for awhile so you can concentrate on your gran. Of course, that is up to you but I believe that it would be the best thing for you and your gran right now. Your mom can't focus on anything right now. Especially her own mother. Her illness prevents her from doing much of anything except getting her next drink. Her mind is not functioning normally and probably won't get much better. So, the end result is more of the same. YOU do what YOU feel you need to do for your gran. Let us know how things are going.
 Shelly
 

“Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."

 


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 8/29/2009 8:41 AM (GMT -7)   
i agree with shelly and just know we are here for you

sincere1on1
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 8/29/2009 1:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Allie...My heart goes out to you through this difficult time. I understand what it feels like to be confronted with a loved one that is in the process of finding peace after suffering. It's hard to go through because you are left feeling helpless. Keep in mind this...to be there with them through this is helping. Focus on your Gram and spend your time with her. As for your mother, you can not change her even if it is for her best intrest. The best that you can ever offer is an understanding of her situation. Maybe when you get past your other issue, to help feel better you can offer some assistance when you can and feel able to with your mother. Demantia is difficult for a caregiver to deal with. I know I had dealt with it myself with someone that I care about and it was very draining on me with the 24 hour care that they needed. Do your best and do not to forget to praise yourself for what you do. I wish you well and may you find some peace during your darkest hours.

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 8/30/2009 9:23 PM (GMT -7)   

I hope you will spend whatever time you can with your gran in her last days.  Not eating or drinking is often the first indication that the body is shutting down and death is imminent.  Her urine output will likely decrease and become concentrated as her kidneys shut down.  You can wet her mouth with ice chips or offer her water through a straw.  You can gently apply lotion to her face and limbs.  That will feel good to her.  I did this with my favorite aunt in her final days last Dec.  She was 82, but we were very close and it was hard to watch her die.  However, she knew I was there and appreciated it.

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 9/1/2009 1:00 AM (GMT -7)   

saw gran yesterday. she has this toothless smile which is just priceless. i have taken in some old photos and put them upon the wall where she can see them.

doctors say her kidneys are still functioning ok, but she does not want to eat. she has told the nurses that she wants to die. they think she is dying. i have told her i loved her and if she decides not to eat then i respect her wishes. doctor says she might not last longer than a few weeks, but it is in gods hands. i am just trying to spend as much time with her as possible. she has barely eaten in 3 weeks. if it is her time i hope she goes soon. she does not want tv, radio she just sits in her room staring at the wall sleeping alot.

my mum has been out a week, she is weak, tired all the time and very frustrated at not being ableto use herhand properly cause of the stroke. she had been sick yesterday and her nose was bleeding. as far as i know she has not been able to get out for a drink. her partner is watching her like a hawk, he even has the neighbours watchin that she does not go out for a drink.

 


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 9/14/2009 2:42 PM (GMT -7)   
my gran is still with me.i have visited her most days.  now she is sleeping a lot, she is very weak, off medication and near enough refusing anything to eat or drink. it has been 5 weeks since she fell sick. doctors say they are keeping her comfortable. i know she has given up,i have told her i am with her all the way, no matter what she chooses. if she does not want to eat or drink i have told them not to force her. i can be thankful that she is not in pain.
i visited my mum last week, she has been trying to fool everyone again. she was drunk again and her partner smacked her. i told him it was better to walk away than take his frustrations out on her. i am so mad at my mum. her mum is only 5 mins drive away and it is nearly 3 weeks since she saw her. she knows how ill she is, but does not go near her. i found out last week that my mum has not even claimed her state pension. she was 62 in July...i feel i cannot cope with her at this time,she cannot hear me if i phone, she has the phone the wrong way round or something its impossible to get a conversation out her. so i have stayed away because i dont want any confrontations. i hate the way she has deserted my gran and left me to cope on my own.
right now i feel sick at the pit of my stomach.i am due to go on holiday to Florida at the beginning of October. i really feel i need it as this has been a really bad year for me,my daughter has been playing up too she is having issues about her adoption and is not coping very well. my husband says he will cancel if i want,i dont want to leave my gran but my family need this break. i feel so guilty talking about holidays when my gran could pass at any time. i am the only one who need to make funeral arrangements ect i do not know what to do........trying to juggle work and family life is not easy. it is only in gods hands

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 9/14/2009 4:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Allie, I'm so sorry that you have so much on your shoulders.  You definitely need a vacation and time with your family.  You can go ahead and make arrangements for your gran's funeral ahead of time.  Did she state her wishes as far as a funeral, cremation, etc.?  Does she have money allocated for funeral and burial?  Though these are not topics anyone wants to bring up, she knows she is dying and has expressed that she wants to die.  Therefore, it's not unreasonable to approach her about how she would like things handled at the end.  You can then go ahead and contact a funeral home to set things up, etc.  My aunt who died last Dec. had prepaid everything.  The only thing family had to do was pay for the gravediggers and contact the funeral home.
 
As for your mom, I'm glad that you are distancing yourself.  Is she supposed to get therapy for her hand/arm?  She should also file for her pension.  Alcoholics are pretty selfish people, and she probably just doesn't want to have to deal with her dying mom.  You are a wonderful granddaughter to be there for your gran.  At least, when the end comes, you know that you have done your part.  You can be comfortable in the knowledge that she has been released from her earthly form but that her spirit lives on.  If your mom ever sobers up, she may feel very badly that she wasn't there for her at the end.  As long as she is drinking, though, she's not feeling much of anything for anyone but herself.
 
It may work out that your gran passes before you are due to go away.  However, even if she hasn't, I urge you to go ahead with your plans.  It will do you a lot of good.
 
Hugs,
Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 9/16/2009 12:21 AM (GMT -7)   
today i am going to the funeralparlour to discuss my grans funeral. i feel nervous about it but know i am doing the right thing. the poor wee soul was quite sick yesterday they keep trying to give her fluids but she is unable to keep them down. beacause she is so weak being sick makes her look awful. i stayed there for the longest about 7 hours as i knew iwas working today. the priest and she got the blessing of the sick, she seemed quite happy after that.
then i got the phone call to say my mumis backinhospital, she went to the shops and was violently sick and ambulance was called and thats her.... she is quite ill, but is still managing to drink. what could be making her so sick???
i know things will have to get worse before they can get better.

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 9/16/2009 11:14 AM (GMT -7)   

Allie, I am glad you are going to the funeral parlor today to discuss your gran's funeral in advance.

As to your mum, the alcohol could be making her that sick.  If her body just can't take any more of it, it will try to get rid of it by vomiting.  This may be a blessing in disguise if the drinking makes her sick to her stomach...though I have to say it never stopped my mother, who would drink, go to the bathroom and be sick, then trot back to her room and chug the bottle again.  This would go on all night.

Hang in there!

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 9/28/2009 1:31 AM (GMT -7)   

My wee gran passed away on Saturday. she went over 6 weeks with no eating, refusing medication and taking only sips at atime. i am gutted that she is away, but i know she is at peace it has been a long wait. i was with her at the time, which i am gladcause she was scared.

my mum is still in hospital due to get out last week, until she started vomiting, they were very worriedabout her as her neurilogical signs were very low, they say she might have blood posioning. is this what happens when the liver is in a bad way, i do not know what her future is to be.

i have decided tostill go away on holiday its on Thursday, the funeral will be after i come back, hopefully my mum willbe strong enough.

thanks for the support

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