My husband has hep and is alcoholic

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deedee48
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Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 148
   Posted 9/3/2009 10:06 PM (GMT -7)   
I just need to vent. My husband has hepc antibody but his viral load is considered undetectable,he is an alcoholic and has chirrosis. He went to detox and rehab In April and May, initally he was going to meetings 2 times a day but ofcourse that got less and less To maybe 1 week. Today after working 14 hrs, I come home to him slurring. I just want to scream. Instead I'm venting to you. I am so discussted with him. Here I am trying to survive this dreadful disease and he continues to distroy himself. I'm sick of hearing if I want a couple of beers so what. When he was 1st diagnosed with hep is when I went to be tested and when all my health issues came out,all he could say is I'm on a mission to catch up to you,because with out you I'm nothing. I've tried talking to him and telling him that if I dont survive this disease that he needs to be here for our kids and granchildren and to stop being so self absorbed. But as so many may know there is no talking to an alcoholic who is drinking. I just get so mad that he thinks so little of himself and I feel he doesnt think much of me by putting me through this. And I know alcoholism is another dreadful disease but it just gets me so angry . I'm sorry I'm going on and on. Thanks for listening. I guess I should try to go to sleep I'm completely exhausted.
Thanks,DeeDee
 

worriedgirl
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Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 9/3/2009 11:15 PM (GMT -7)   
i know what u are going through as my mom is a alcoholic. luckily for me she seems to be clean or good at hiding it. i dont know what health issues you have but im sorry you going through this. he wont stop unless he wants to and you are gonna have to figure a way to not go crazy or let him hit rock bottom or maybe give him a taste of life without you. good l uck

1Shelly1
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Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 502
   Posted 9/5/2009 8:53 AM (GMT -7)   
DeeDee, for me VENTING is the best medicine. We can't control other peoples behavior (as frustrating as that is at times). The only person we can contol is ourselves. You know what we want the other to do but they have to want to do it too. Especially when it is an addiction. There isn't anything you can do except continue talking to him about it. When he is ready to stop he will. Until then you are at the mercy of his habit. I wish it were different but it is the reality of any addiction whether it is drugs or alcohol. I think the emotional toll on the family is far greater than the physical toll on the one who has the addiction. Thats just my opinion though. Are you taking time out for you? Just try to do some things you would like to do and see if you can get some relief from the stress.
 Shelly
 

“Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."

 


hep93
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Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 9/5/2009 2:39 PM (GMT -7)   

DeeDee, I know exactly how you feel.  Even though I am an alcoholic, I've been sober for 23 yrs.  I simply will not live with a practicing alcoholic.  It is more than I can handle.  I left a husband and a long-term b.f. because of this.  It's a little harder when you have children, but it is not good for them to be exposed to an alcoholic parent, either.  I would kick him out until he can get and stay sober...or take the kids and leave.  But that's me.  If you decide to stay, don't even get into arguments with him.  You know you can't reason with a drunk.  Just let it be known to him (when he is not drinking) that you will not put up with it and that unless he gets treatment and stops, you don't need him in your life.  Stress is really bad for people with hep C and liver disease in general.  I made a decision some time ago to eliminate all unnecessary drama from my life, including that of my grown daughter.  It's a matter of self-preservation.  Remember to take care of YOU!

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


deedee48
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 148
   Posted 9/5/2009 8:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Connie,Shelly,and worried girl, Thanks for the advice and being there. My kids are grown adults and thank goodness my husband wasnt as bad as he is now whhen they were growing up. Now he is out of control and I swear even if he only has 2 drinks hes drunk, Hes mean with his mouth and facial expressions mainly with me.like He is like 2 different people. He could be picking on me 1 min. and the next saying he loves me. He says Its me that Im losing my mind and that its my liver causing it. In all reality its him. I think his ammonia levels are high since the more he drinks the more confused he gets  Last night I  had to get away, so I left and went to the movies. I did enjoy being away. Today he went to work and came home drunk and of course it was the same old thing all over again. I have to seriosly do something even if it means leave him but I have alot of legal stuff to look into first since we have alot of assets. I do know I need to take care of me for a change. So much for cutting my work hours for now.
Thanks again for being there,
Dee Dee

worriedgirl
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Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 9/5/2009 9:37 PM (GMT -7)   
if you need to talk i am here. if i dont answer right away dont worry i will. my heart sincerely goes out to you and i want to help
deedee48 said...
Hi Connie,Shelly,and worried girl, Thanks for the advice and being there. My kids are grown adults and thank goodness my husband wasnt as bad as he is now whhen they were growing up. Now he is out of control and I swear even if he only has 2 drinks hes drunk, Hes mean with his mouth and facial expressions mainly with me.like He is like 2 different people. He could be picking on me 1 min. and the next saying he loves me. He says Its me that Im losing my mind and that its my liver causing it. In all reality its him. I think his ammonia levels are high since the more he drinks the more confused he gets  Last night I  had to get away, so I left and went to the movies. I did enjoy being away. Today he went to work and came home drunk and of course it was the same old thing all over again. I have to seriosly do something even if it means leave him but I have alot of legal stuff to look into first since we have alot of assets. I do know I need to take care of me for a change. So much for cutting my work hours for now.
Thanks again for being there,
Dee Dee

hep93
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Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 9/6/2009 11:36 AM (GMT -7)   

DeeDee, it's good that your kids are grown.  Could you stay with one of them temporarily?  I hope you know that it is NOT you and you are not going crazy.  Your husband is in deep denial and so since nothing is wrong with him (he thinks), then it must be you.

It might be a good idea for you to consult with a divorce attorney.  They charge nothing for a consult.  If it does get to the point of divorce, you need to get a CODA (court-ordered domestic something-or-other) filed with the regular divorce papers.  That will entitle you to part of his pension plan and other assets, based on the length of the marriage, how long he has worked for a particular co., and other factors.

I'm glad you got out by yourself and went to a movie.  Try to get away as much as possible.  Have you tried Al-Anon meetings?

Hugs,

Connie



hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Post Edited (hep93) : 9/9/2009 3:19:53 PM (GMT-6)


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 9/9/2009 2:23 PM (GMT -7)   

Rick, she said their kids are grown--thank goodness.  That's why I suggested she might be able to stay with one of them.  But of course, another relative some distance away would also be a good idea.  With any of them, she would need to be able to commute to work.  Hopefully, it won't come to that, but it is definitely good to have options and an emergency plan if it becomes necessary.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


deedee48
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 148
   Posted 9/9/2009 7:00 PM (GMT -7)   

Thanks everone for the advice. He started going back to meetings and hasnt had a drink since Sun. i hope he continues the meetings for himself and my sanity.

Take Care and talk to you soon,

DeeDee

P.S.

I could stay with family if need be.


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 9/9/2009 7:49 PM (GMT -7)   
DeeDee, that is great news!  I am so happy to hear that he is going to meetings again.  I hope he really immerses himself in recovery and is doing it for himself, not just because of you...or it won't last.  Encourage and praise him mightily, although I understand that it will take a long time to regain your trust in him.  That is something he will have to earn.
 
My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
 
Hugs,
Connie
hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


deedee48
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 148
   Posted 9/24/2009 7:59 PM (GMT -7)   

Here we go again. cry  I guess my husband has been hiding his drinking while I'm at work. I came home last night to him slurring,he couldnt even make a phone call, asking me over and over what the no. is and kept dialing wrong numbers. Needless to say I'm completely disgusted sad   He said he only had 3 beers(3 to many as I see it) I'm just beside my self. When I got home tonight I could tell the way he was slurring,that he drank again. He tried hugging me and I don't even want him to touch me,Which I told him so,and he got mad and left. Where he is ,I dont know. I guess his liver cant process the alcohol and he is doing more damage.Why?????and how can he keep doing this. I cant leave because the law where I live is considered abandoment and I can lose everything, I cant make him leave unless he gets violent,I also need him to pay me 1/2 the mortgage and 1/2 of all our assets that are profit. I also have my health ins. through his employer which I need.  confused   feel like I stuck between a rock and a hard place. I just want my sober husband and friend back. Please help with any advice , please pray for him,

Thanks for being here and letting me vent. My best to everyone,

DeeDee


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 9/24/2009 8:30 PM (GMT -7)   

DeeDee, I am really sorry that your husband isn't taking his sobriety seriously.  Something really drastic may have to happen to get him to wake up.  I know you are sick yourself, and stress is not a good thing for you.

My suggestion is to set up a consultation with a divorce lawyer.  It should not cost you anything for the consultation.  He will tell you what you need to do to either A) get him out of the house or B) leave yourself but manage not to commit financial suicide.  When I was married to husband #2 who drank, one night I felt like he was seconds from hitting me.  I could feel that he really wanted to and I was scared.  I had warned him if he ever touched me he would find himself in jail so fast his head would spin.  But I was scared enough to go to a friend's place and take enough clothes for a week.  I slept on an air mattress in her spare room.  I saw a lawyer that week and he told me that all I would have to say to get him out of the apt. was to tell the cops I was in fear of him due to his drinking and how he became.  So I used that bit of information to get him out of the apt.  I told him if he didn't go, I would go to the police and have him put out.  That scared him.  He didn't know where he was going to go, but by the next day he had been accepted at the AA club we went to (though he wasn't "getting it" as your hubby isn't), where they had a couple of small bedrooms and he was known there.  He was able to stay there free and still go to work.  After he had been sober for 3 mos., I let him come back.  He didn't drink again, but the marriage still didn't work out and I ended up leaving him...and he went back to the booze and is still on it to this day.   I did get a portion of his pension and we split the furnishings between us.  We didn't have joint checking and there were no savings.  I was on his insurance and remained on it until Jan. (open enrollment), when he was able to have me removed.  So then I had to go to Shands free clinics.

Just a suggestion as you really need to take care of you.  Don't worry about him.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hugs,

Connie

 



hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Post Edited (hep93) : 9/25/2009 1:51:50 PM (GMT-6)


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 9/25/2009 12:52 PM (GMT -7)   

Deedee, how are you doing?  I'm thinking about you and concerned.  Please post or e-mail me.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


deedee48
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 148
   Posted 1/7/2010 7:38 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Connie and Rick, Just wanted to update you on my husbands drinking. He was up and down. He was doing good until the end of Nov. then he did a number with it. Stopped again and seem to be doing really well, then the holidays came and he was obnoxious. I was so angry ,disappointed and so on with him and so was my daughter. My daughter told him about it and said his behavior is unacceptable and she won't let her children see their grandpa like this or want them around him. I guess he was having black-outs since he didn't remember much of anything. He told me he is sick and tired of drinking and feeling bad, he says he feels good when he is sober. He hasn't had a drink since Dec. 30th and started going to meetings again, he even turned down going hunting with his buddies(drinking buddies) Which to me this is a good sign. He said he is not going to our cabin for awhile,until he gets some more sobrity behind him, this to sounds promising. You know that saying people,places and things. I pray to God that all that he is saying is true and my hubby stops for good.

Thanks for listening and being there for me to vent and for all the advice . I'm sorry I haven't been on in awhile but I always think of you and you are always in my prayers.

Take care ,

DeeDee


hep93
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Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 1/7/2010 11:12 AM (GMT -7)   

Rick, you are what is known as a "functional alcoholic."  Able to work and live a seemingly normal life, with most people none the wiser, though they may think you drank a little too much.  I was the falling-down, bad hangover type of drunk and everyone knew I had a problem but me.

DeeDee, I'm glad to hear that he's giving sobriety another "shot" (pardon the pun), but I also worry about the effects this roller coaster has on you.  He is so darned selfish, when you are ill yourself!   And stress is not good for you.  Get tough with him about going to AA, talking with his sponsor, etc., as if his life depended on it--because it literally does!  Also, he needs to forget about the cabin this year.  If he stays sober an entire year, perhaps he can go hunting next year.  Or it may be one of those things that he just can't do again, if it triggers drinking episodes.  You are so right: People, places, and things have to change.   I hope he wakes up fast, before it's too late. 

My thoughts and prayers are always with you.

Hugs,

Connie



hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Post Edited (hep93) : 1/7/2010 11:33:37 AM (GMT-7)


deedee48
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 148
   Posted 1/8/2010 12:58 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Connie and Rick and everyone else! Hubby is still going to meetings and talking with me more on how he feels/or if he thinks about a beer, so far so good,no drinking. I pray it stays this way. He was a functional alcoholic for years,but,this past year he couldn't barley think straight. I guess it caught up to him.

I'm hanging in there but your right about the stress, I can't handle much more.. I have to go next week to get my labs and liver scan, Please say a prayer for me that everything turns out good. I will let you know when I get the results.

Take care my dear forum friends,

Dee Dee


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 1/8/2010 2:02 PM (GMT -7)   

DeeDee, you can be sure you will be in my prayers.  I know how scary it always is wondering what is going to show up or how much worse you've gotten.  Here's hoping you are stable.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 1/8/2010 3:40 PM (GMT -7)   
I am glad to read that your husband is being strong willed and trying to change his and your life.

idont know about your illness, but i do know you have been probably too stressed to think about it.

I think my mum started off as a functioning alcoholic, held down her job and so on...for years untilit really took a grip. Then she would go on mad binges have black outs and totally be mad with it. spending days in bed,only to get up and top herself up when she woke up. That was before her health issues, she has stared death in the face so many times, but it has never really scared her enough.

You are right a total change is necessary, all potential triggers must be avoided.In my mums case,, she really does not need anything to start her off, she just does.

you have to concentrate on yourself now, be totally selfish you have to be. You deserve to be. Your husband is on the right track, he must do this by himself for himself and He has a great start. Stress can trigger off many thing so you have to avoid it if you can. I hope you get good results.

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 1/8/2010 4:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Allie, I just want to say that from my viewpoint it's not a matter of being strong willed or having "will power," but rather willingness to go to any lengths to get and stay sober.  Some are, some aren't.
 
Hugs,
C.
hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 1/8/2010 5:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Yes, Connie I suppose you are right. It is a willingness to stay sober, It is hard to understand it when you are not going through it yourself. You know it is hard to quit an addiction, but how hard? You really don't know until you experience it. But don't you have to be strong willed to keep away from it.
I have an eating disorder myself (I know it is not the same thing) and it rears its ugly head now and then particularly when i am under a lot of stress and have no control. I feel myself I have to be strong willed and take a lot of measures to control the triggers, if not things can go wrong. So it is a little similar don't you think??
I wonder how much is true about the addiction gene being heredity. My mum and dad (who has manic depression)are both alcoholics, also my husband mum is an alcoholic she has manged to stay sober for many years, his father too was an alcoholic who was sober for many years but unfortunately he commited suicide (he also had manic depression). If there is an addictive gene and I know manic depression is heredity my son has a higher tendency to suffer from either one.
sorry a lot of information in one wee post....

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 1/8/2010 7:03 PM (GMT -7)   
" But don't you have to be strong willed to keep away from it. "
 
No, you have to know beyond a doubt that you are totally powerless over alcohol (or drugs, gambling, food--pick your poison.)  Knowing that, you realize that one drink will lead to a drunk, one slot game to an "all nighter," etc.  You have to know yourself, be honest with yourself, and think it all the way through. You also have to have a connection with a Higher Power who you can call on when you feel you cannot resist the urge.  That HP may be a recovery group or a sponsor...or it may be God.  The desire can arise at the most unpredictable times, and you have to have the tools (such as the 12 Steps) to get past it without giving in.  I've been nicotine free for 7 years, but there are times when a whiff of smoke smells SO good, or I really crave a cigarette.  But I know myself well enough to realize that one puff would have me back to smoking 2 packs a day in no time.  Fortunately, the moment passes quickly.  I don't dwell on it, but involve myself with other things, other thoughts.
 
While there is a genetic component to addiction, it doesn't mean that a child will absolutely be addicted or be depressed, etc.  What it does mean is that the child is more SUSCEPTIBLE to suffering from those things and should be aware of the family history.
 
Hope this helps you understand a little.
 
Hugs,
Connie

hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 1/9/2010 12:10 PM (GMT -7)   

Rick, that's very true that instant gratification is also part of addiction.  ("I want it and I want it NOW!")  Addicts are people who never really grew up emotionally/mentally.  Temptations are all around us every day.  But it is the willingness not to give in to them and to choose a different way of dealing with frustrations, hurts, etc., one day at a time, that leads to sobriety.

And Rick--please take a pic of yourself before you head out!  Oh, nevermind--I can already picture it.  You goofball!

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


shadowsghost
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 489
   Posted 1/9/2010 4:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Rick can you throw on a pair of chaps to go with that lol lol now that would be funny. I have a local store I go to and they always look over the counter to see what I am wearing,,, yeah they have even taken photos to share with the ones that missed the latest outfit.... the fav there is the shorts with winter fur boots and pj top.... was having one of those days and oh it was below 30 degrees with 2 feet of snow.. hence the snowboots lol
When I started counting my blessings my whole world turned around.


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 1/10/2010 10:21 AM (GMT -7)   
HAPPY bIRTHDAY RICK- hope you had a good one
 
THanks Connie, for trying to explain your opinions, you have made it easier to understand. I try to form my opinions on what knowledge i have and any experiences I have been through myself.  I don'twish to offend anyone with my difference of opinion. Liver disease, alcoholics i can only form my opinion on what i have been through.
 
Years ago i went to see a doctor about my disorder,he did not understand but sent me to a psychologist.  all she wanted to do was disect my life and what i had been through, throughout the years.  She never helped, maybe i did not give her a chance but i was fed up leaving her office more depressed than i was when i went in. although i have had this disorder for many years i do manage to control it most of the time, but it is always there.
 
Also, when my husband and i went through the adoption process in Scotland, we went to lots of group sessions. A big part of that was addictions (drug and alcohol abuse) and the effects on the childeren born to addcits. The same for birth parent who suffered manic depression/ schizophrenia. They had figures to support heredity factors, i think it was 10% if one parent had suffered or 20% chance if both parents suffered. They had a lot of background info on birth parents and this was to ensure we knew what our adoptive child might have a chance in developing these illnesses. They also went into other illnesses handicaps ect.  We both have family history of both, it never occured to us not to have our first child who was born naturally, why should we deny ourselves and another child for the same reason.
 
Sorry Dee Dee for taking over your post a bit

deedee48
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 148
   Posted 1/10/2010 6:39 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Connie,Rick and Allie. Thanks for the prayers and your opinions. Allie I have ESLD,(varices,portal hypertension edema of the feet and legs,gallstones,cirrhosis,low platelets,high pro time,I can go on and on) I'm on the transplant list needless to say.I am not an alcoholic but I do have hep c (not sure how I got it).

So far hubby still hasn't had a drink, I'm not sure he will stay sober and this really worries me. I just pray everday for his sobriety.

Happy Birthday Rick! I wish I could see your outfit and I really would've loved to see the peoples expressions as you walked by them at walmart. You didn't, did you? You are one funny guy. I love a sense of humorturn A real head turner.

Tomorrow I go back to work so does my hubby. I'm still part time as long as I can tolerate it.

Take care all,

Dee Dee

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