“Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."
DeeDee, I know exactly how you feel. Even though I am an alcoholic, I've been sober for 23 yrs. I simply will not live with a practicing alcoholic. It is more than I can handle. I left a husband and a long-term b.f. because of this. It's a little harder when you have children, but it is not good for them to be exposed to an alcoholic parent, either. I would kick him out until he can get and stay sober...or take the kids and leave. But that's me. If you decide to stay, don't even get into arguments with him. You know you can't reason with a drunk. Just let it be known to him (when he is not drinking) that you will not put up with it and that unless he gets treatment and stops, you don't need him in your life. Stress is really bad for people with hep C and liver disease in general. I made a decision some time ago to eliminate all unnecessary drama from my life, including that of my grown daughter. It's a matter of self-preservation. Remember to take care of YOU!
DeeDee, it's good that your kids are grown. Could you stay with one of them temporarily? I hope you know that it is NOT you and you are not going crazy. Your husband is in deep denial and so since nothing is wrong with him (he thinks), then it must be you.
It might be a good idea for you to consult with a divorce attorney. They charge nothing for a consult. If it does get to the point of divorce, you need to get a CODA (court-ordered domestic something-or-other) filed with the regular divorce papers. That will entitle you to part of his pension plan and other assets, based on the length of the marriage, how long he has worked for a particular co., and other factors.
I'm glad you got out by yourself and went to a movie. Try to get away as much as possible. Have you tried Al-Anon meetings?
Post Edited (hep93) : 9/9/2009 3:19:53 PM (GMT-6)
Rick, she said their kids are grown--thank goodness. That's why I suggested she might be able to stay with one of them. But of course, another relative some distance away would also be a good idea. With any of them, she would need to be able to commute to work. Hopefully, it won't come to that, but it is definitely good to have options and an emergency plan if it becomes necessary.
Thanks everone for the advice. He started going back to meetings and hasnt had a drink since Sun. i hope he continues the meetings for himself and my sanity.
Take Care and talk to you soon,
I could stay with family if need be.
Here we go again. I guess my husband has been hiding his drinking while I'm at work. I came home last night to him slurring,he couldnt even make a phone call, asking me over and over what the no. is and kept dialing wrong numbers. Needless to say I'm completely disgusted He said he only had 3 beers(3 to many as I see it) I'm just beside my self. When I got home tonight I could tell the way he was slurring,that he drank again. He tried hugging me and I don't even want him to touch me,Which I told him so,and he got mad and left. Where he is ,I dont know. I guess his liver cant process the alcohol and he is doing more damage.Why?????and how can he keep doing this. I cant leave because the law where I live is considered abandoment and I can lose everything, I cant make him leave unless he gets violent,I also need him to pay me 1/2 the mortgage and 1/2 of all our assets that are profit. I also have my health ins. through his employer which I need. feel like I stuck between a rock and a hard place. I just want my sober husband and friend back. Please help with any advice , please pray for him,
Thanks for being here and letting me vent. My best to everyone,
DeeDee, I am really sorry that your husband isn't taking his sobriety seriously. Something really drastic may have to happen to get him to wake up. I know you are sick yourself, and stress is not a good thing for you.
My suggestion is to set up a consultation with a divorce lawyer. It should not cost you anything for the consultation. He will tell you what you need to do to either A) get him out of the house or B) leave yourself but manage not to commit financial suicide. When I was married to husband #2 who drank, one night I felt like he was seconds from hitting me. I could feel that he really wanted to and I was scared. I had warned him if he ever touched me he would find himself in jail so fast his head would spin. But I was scared enough to go to a friend's place and take enough clothes for a week. I slept on an air mattress in her spare room. I saw a lawyer that week and he told me that all I would have to say to get him out of the apt. was to tell the cops I was in fear of him due to his drinking and how he became. So I used that bit of information to get him out of the apt. I told him if he didn't go, I would go to the police and have him put out. That scared him. He didn't know where he was going to go, but by the next day he had been accepted at the AA club we went to (though he wasn't "getting it" as your hubby isn't), where they had a couple of small bedrooms and he was known there. He was able to stay there free and still go to work. After he had been sober for 3 mos., I let him come back. He didn't drink again, but the marriage still didn't work out and I ended up leaving him...and he went back to the booze and is still on it to this day. I did get a portion of his pension and we split the furnishings between us. We didn't have joint checking and there were no savings. I was on his insurance and remained on it until Jan. (open enrollment), when he was able to have me removed. So then I had to go to Shands free clinics.
Just a suggestion as you really need to take care of you. Don't worry about him. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Post Edited (hep93) : 9/25/2009 1:51:50 PM (GMT-6)
Deedee, how are you doing? I'm thinking about you and concerned. Please post or e-mail me.
Hi Connie and Rick, Just wanted to update you on my husbands drinking. He was up and down. He was doing good until the end of Nov. then he did a number with it. Stopped again and seem to be doing really well, then the holidays came and he was obnoxious. I was so angry ,disappointed and so on with him and so was my daughter. My daughter told him about it and said his behavior is unacceptable and she won't let her children see their grandpa like this or want them around him. I guess he was having black-outs since he didn't remember much of anything. He told me he is sick and tired of drinking and feeling bad, he says he feels good when he is sober. He hasn't had a drink since Dec. 30th and started going to meetings again, he even turned down going hunting with his buddies(drinking buddies) Which to me this is a good sign. He said he is not going to our cabin for awhile,until he gets some more sobrity behind him, this to sounds promising. You know that saying people,places and things. I pray to God that all that he is saying is true and my hubby stops for good.
Thanks for listening and being there for me to vent and for all the advice . I'm sorry I haven't been on in awhile but I always think of you and you are always in my prayers.
Take care ,
Rick, you are what is known as a "functional alcoholic." Able to work and live a seemingly normal life, with most people none the wiser, though they may think you drank a little too much. I was the falling-down, bad hangover type of drunk and everyone knew I had a problem but me.
DeeDee, I'm glad to hear that he's giving sobriety another "shot" (pardon the pun), but I also worry about the effects this roller coaster has on you. He is so darned selfish, when you are ill yourself! And stress is not good for you. Get tough with him about going to AA, talking with his sponsor, etc., as if his life depended on it--because it literally does! Also, he needs to forget about the cabin this year. If he stays sober an entire year, perhaps he can go hunting next year. Or it may be one of those things that he just can't do again, if it triggers drinking episodes. You are so right: People, places, and things have to change. I hope he wakes up fast, before it's too late.
My thoughts and prayers are always with you.
Post Edited (hep93) : 1/7/2010 11:33:37 AM (GMT-7)
Hi Connie and Rick and everyone else! Hubby is still going to meetings and talking with me more on how he feels/or if he thinks about a beer, so far so good,no drinking. I pray it stays this way. He was a functional alcoholic for years,but,this past year he couldn't barley think straight. I guess it caught up to him.
I'm hanging in there but your right about the stress, I can't handle much more.. I have to go next week to get my labs and liver scan, Please say a prayer for me that everything turns out good. I will let you know when I get the results.
Take care my dear forum friends,
DeeDee, you can be sure you will be in my prayers. I know how scary it always is wondering what is going to show up or how much worse you've gotten. Here's hoping you are stable.
Rick, that's very true that instant gratification is also part of addiction. ("I want it and I want it NOW!") Addicts are people who never really grew up emotionally/mentally. Temptations are all around us every day. But it is the willingness not to give in to them and to choose a different way of dealing with frustrations, hurts, etc., one day at a time, that leads to sobriety.
And Rick--please take a pic of yourself before you head out! Oh, nevermind--I can already picture it. You goofball!
Hi Connie,Rick and Allie. Thanks for the prayers and your opinions. Allie I have ESLD,(varices,portal hypertension edema of the feet and legs,gallstones,cirrhosis,low platelets,high pro time,I can go on and on) I'm on the transplant list needless to say.I am not an alcoholic but I do have hep c (not sure how I got it).
So far hubby still hasn't had a drink, I'm not sure he will stay sober and this really worries me. I just pray everday for his sobriety.
Happy Birthday Rick! I wish I could see your outfit and I really would've loved to see the peoples expressions as you walked by them at walmart. You didn't, did you? You are one funny guy. I love a sense of humor A real head turner.
Tomorrow I go back to work so does my hubby. I'm still part time as long as I can tolerate it.
Take care all,