Dog's friend, thanks so much for posting and telling us about your situation. I am really sorry that your wife has chosen to continue drinking. Alcoholism is such a nasty disease and takes a sincere desire to quit drinking to be able to do it. She is effectively signing her own death warrant. I am so sorry. If you need some support, you might try Al-Anon meetings, if you haven't already.
You are no longer "the new guy" or a stranger here. You are among friends who are all in the same pickle, one way or another.
A big WELCOME to you!
The Big Book says alcoholism is "cunning, baffling, and powerful." It is all those things. By its very nature, alcoholism and drug addiction completely gain control of the addict and are the only things that matter. For that reason, quitting for good--breaking the addiction--requires a sincere desire and lots of help. It usually doesn't happen until it becomes a life or death matter...and often not even then, as you know. The negative aspects have to outweigh the positive in order for an addict to want to quit. As long as something is being gained from it, they see no reason to quit. With me, it stopped working to get me drunk or allow me to pass out. I would drink and drink and get a terrible hangover, but could not get drunk or pass out. That's when I decided it wasn't worth it.
I am a closet insecure person (I don't let on to most people of the insecurities I have) so I can understand your reasoning. I am not an alcoholic or addicted to anything (except chocolate but not to the point where it controls me). I'm on this group as I have Autoimmune Hepatitis. I don't come from a family of addicts so on the personal level, I may not be qualified to say much...however, I used to work with substance abuse in the research setting and there is nothing you can do. The addiction has nothing to do with you. The addict is the one who is out of control. It has absolutely nothing to do with how she feels about you. She may have a deep desire to stop but she can't, she can't make it past the pain of withdrawal, the fear of what's on the other side not being addicted, I can only assume what goes through someone's head when they've had this one very big, very satisfying constant to even think of letting it go. I do hope you can move away from a place where you see it as personal. And that she can move to a place where she finally realizes that it will kill her...in, from what I have learned from this site, an unpleasant and scary way.
Hugs to you and Dog's Friend (I hope your wife comes to realize what she needs to do),
worriedgirl, you certainly didn't offend me. It's only natural to think that if your mom loved you enough she wouldn't cause you pain. As Dany said, it really has nothing to do with you. It's simply that the addiction is the stronger pull. And alcoholics/addicts are generally very selfish. She was also correct in saying there is a lot of fear with an addict--fear of who they will be and what they will face without alcohol. Even though her life may be miserable, your mom finds it familiar and is comfortable in that rut. Alcohol is her dearest friend. I know I was afraid of being able to face life and my emotions without a "buffer." And truthfully, it took a lot of AA meetings for me to start gaining some confidence. It wasn't until the 6-month mark without alcohol that I believed I might actually be able to live sober.
All you can do is take care of yourself and distance yourself from her when it becomes too much.