June, are you on any antidepressants? If not, it might be time to give them a try. If you already are, perhaps your dosage needs to be adjusted or the med changed. Do you need to increase your Lactulose? As for the recurring nightmare you mentioned in your other post, perhaps hypnosis would help with that.
All of us get a little down from time to time with this disease. I totally understand the frustration of not being the same person, not being able to do the things you once did. But you know what? It's not our fault. It's the disease. True, most people who don't have liver disease, or aren't familiar with it, really don't know how we feel, regardless of how we look on the outside. I try to educate people when I can, but I know they don't truly "get it." That's why this place is so comforting.
It could be that you just need to accept that this is how things are right now. Perhaps they will improve if you ever get a transplant. But for me, surviving liver cancer gave me a huge dose of gratitude for whatever life I have left. I have accepted my physical limitations. I have someone come in to do heavy cleaning that I no longer can do. Sometimes she does laundry for me, too, or whatever needs doing. Last month, I was able to have her 3 x, but finances are such that I probably will only be able to have her once this month. So the bathtub may not be squeaky clean at all times or the carpet freshly vacuumed, but that's okay. I get out and do things when I'm able to--which is not as much as I would like--but I appreciate the times that I can. If you can't accept that things are different now, and you are not able to change the situation--then you are in a heck of a spot and that would depress anyone. Before you get to acceptance, it will be necessary to go through all the stages of grief. Because you are grieving the you that once was and the life you once had. Right now you are angry and sad. Go through the stages and you will eventually come to acceptance. If you are really struggling, get some help....counseling, medication, or a combination of both.
Big, gentle hugs,
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland