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worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/4/2009 12:48 PM (GMT -7)   
i am hoping i am wrong but i cant shake this feeling my mom is drinking again. i asked her and she says she is not but she has argued with me over stupid stuff, gone two days with out calling me, and is lying. normally the lying is the trigger for me but its not me she is lying to this time, it is my cousin. she lives with my cousin but constantly lies to her about her whereabouts and who is taking her where and she tries to get me to lie for her to. i dont want to so when cousin calls i play stupid so i dont start trouble. i havent smelled any alcohol on her but i have a bad sense of smell, and she will claim its her perfume. but i am down to the fact that if she is drinking again i am done for good with her. my cousin says she hasnt drank any beer at her house but i know for a fact she is hanging around with a woman that is a drinker. maybe im wrong. i hope i am. or maybe im just worried that she will go back to her old ways and that its my mind playing tricks on me.  my mom t old me last week that a year ago they gave her 16 months without treatment, and since she is allergic to the shot and chemo mix, that she now has 6 months. i dont know if that is true and i plan on asking her doctor come the 18th.
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 11/4/2009 2:53 PM (GMT -7)   

WorriedGirl, there's really no way to know for sure if she's drinking again.  However, I have to wonder why she would lie about her whereabouts.  What is she trying to hide?  Also, her hanging around with someone who drinks is not a wise thing for her to do.  Do you think she would sit there and not drink if her friend is drinking in front of her?  Your mom hasn't been sober long enough to be able to look temptation in the face and say NO.  Even if she is not drinking now, if she is with people who are drinking and going to places she shouldn't be, she WILL drink again...it's just a matter of when.  I don't know how many people I've heard in AA tell about going to a bar with a friend, or to a place they used to go to, and just ordering a coke.  And maybe they would be okay that first time.  But the next time, after the coke they would say, "Oh, I can have just one drink," and that would lead to a binge and all the horrors that brings.  I was scared enough by these tales that I never have been to a bar since I've been sober.  I don't know if I would be able to get sober again if I drank.  Now, with the history of liver cancer, I know it would also kill me.  I don't even like to go to restaurants with a bar.  I feel uncomfortable.  And that's after 23+ yrs.

If your mom isn't going to AA and isn't learning how to live without drinking, it's almost a certainty that she will drink again.  I know some people who have set it down and never drank again.  Some find their strength and resolve through church and their relationship with God.  Others just do it.  But they are a very small minority.  From what I've heard of your mom, I don't think she is one of them.

So the choice now is yours, as to whether you want to maintain a relationship with her or not.  If so, it means accepting her as she is and knowing that you cannot change her.  If you cut her out of your life, you have to do so knowing that you are taking care of yourself and that to be involved with her is to be accepting a toxic relationship. 

My prayers will be with you.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


Dog's Friend
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 11/4/2009 6:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Worried Girl,

Been there too many times. If you even suspect your Mom is drinking, she is. Old line I've heard time and again, "How do you tell when an alcoholic is lying? Their lips are moving."

Something has got ahold of your Mom that she can't control, and if she isn't working with a therapist or AA, it doesn't look good for her.

The hard part for you is to figure out how you are going to deal with it. All I can offer you are my kind thoughts and prayers.

-Andy

worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/5/2009 12:28 AM (GMT -7)   
yeah i know. t hing is i have no proof its the lying that has gotten me thinking of her drinking agian. she had to go to the er today cause of a uti that went to her kidneys and now she is like she wants a liver transplant but i know she will not qualify for one even if she got off the alcohol. i will not do anything to ruin her chances but i know she has no hope for one and im afraid even if she got one she would drink. it is the most horrible feeling in the world to not trust your own mother.
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/5/2009 8:41 AM (GMT -7)   

i agree sober people do make mistakes alot to. i am sorry if i had offended anyone with this post. i know alcohol is a touchy subject but alcohol and drugs have caused me many heartaches and pain in my life. i know i am no angel, i do drink occassionally but its never alone always with hubby so that i dont ever get that urge to continue. it pains me to see t he mother that is supposed to love me love alcohol more than me or her own life. on top of that the drugs have killed all my hope for her. yes she is off the drugs as of now but from past experience that may not last long. i hate the fact that i am losing my mom early because she chose to destroy her body. i know that alcoholism is a disease just like hep c and cirrhosis is a disease but yet i feel that she should want to quit and stay sober to see her grandchildren grow up. i will eventually have to explain to my six year old why her meema is not around anymore and that breaks my heart. i seen what her papa dying did to her and i am not looking forward to this again as my girl is a little closer to her meema. i already limit the time my daughter is around my mom but my girl adores her anyways. i think back to all that should have been with us and ache for the closeness that every daughter should feel with her mom and knowing i will never have it. alcohol and drugs stole that away from me.

on the side note since the hep diagnosis i have been a little closer to her but it is a guarded closeness. unfortuanately i dont have anyone to talk to about this and get all my feelings off my chest. my sister is no help whatsoever to me and so all of moms care is on my shoulders and when she dies that will be all on my shoulders also and i will have to pay for it all and i know that gonna put a strain on us financially, my husband hates her and i dont blame him(her actions could have put him in jail once for something that he didnt do luckily he noticed before ever getting that far) and he listens to me but he feels she brought this all on herself(which she did push all her other family away as they got tired of her stealing and lying from them so they cut her out of their life) and he is already stressed out enough so i dont want to burden him, i dont have any real friends that i can count on. my only one real friend is my hubbys best friend and so i cant turn to them. so i turn to you guys to get my feelings under control. i have come to learn that the disease is not only hard on the one who has the disease but also the one taking care of the person with the disease. i hate the disease itself. im sorry this is so long but i have thoughts in my head that i need to get out.

i dont think she will ever fully change and i either have to deal with it or cut her out of my life.(most people dont understand why i am doing what i am doing as i am doing more for her than she  has ever done for me). if i cut her out of my life then i am afraid i will live with regrets when she passes and she will die alone. if i deal with it i run the risk of losing my sanity(if i ever had any) but i know despite what i have said about cutting  her out if i catch her drinking i will most likely deal with it so i have no regrets. i am naive and stupid i guess for continuing down the same path but i cannot let my mom die alone.

timeless said...
Hello Worriedgirl , So sorry if she isn't staying away from the alcohol . After looking at my own behavior in the past with a clear set of lenses that what I considered to be not hurting anyone but me was hurting everyone but me , But without divine intervention ( Hep C and Cirrhosis ) that my life would have gone on destroying others . Personally I think sober people make ill choices most of the time and yes drunks make bad decisions all the time , It is how we choose to deal with bad choices that we achieve growth to wisdom and therefore don't continue on a path full of snakes once bitten on our journey through life . People often are miserable and drag each other down and there comes a time when you realize whats going on , Do you stand and walk away or stay and try to change others thinking . As you know trying to change a person whom is refusing change is not likely . For what it's worth , Just the rambling of a alcoholic . Rick


The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


Pink Grandma
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 2445
   Posted 11/5/2009 8:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi worriedgirl, I sure wish that you didn't have to go through this. But please know that we are here for you and you come here anytime to talk. I know from experience that it's the best medicine........to be able to get your fears off your chest to people who understand.......and won't judge. You do what you feel that you need to do. And we will be here to listen. Lot's of thoughts and prayers.........
Pink Grandma
Forum moderator-Hepatitis

When the going gets tough....the tough get going! Don't always know where I going but I get there anyways.


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/5/2009 9:03 AM (GMT -7)   
thank you pink grandma and yes it does feel good to get this off my chest. i am under stress and no one understands here but its nice to have people who understand. i really appreciate you guys.
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


Pink Grandma
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 2445
   Posted 11/5/2009 9:21 AM (GMT -7)   
I was in the same boat worriedgirl, all the members at HealingWell were so good to me and I had no one to talk to either that understood. I actually cried when someone responded to my first post.

Take care..........
Pink Grandma
Forum moderator-Hepatitis

When the going gets tough....the tough get going! Don't always know where I going but I get there anyways.


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/5/2009 2:07 PM (GMT -7)   
no need to apologize, i just thought maybe i upset you and i dont want to. yes we are similar. and the decision is tough. i want my daughter to know her meema but i dont want  her hurt the way i have been. As a parent myself, i can understand why your parents did what they did as they were trying to protect you and i hope you know that they did it for your well being. i know that if i had to make that decision then it would not be an easy one but right now its at a point where me and my mom are constantly fighting and she forgets all that i have done for her but cant understand why i wont allow her into my home, or why i am close to my MIL, or why anything i do. if i am busy at home she claims its cause i dont love her but yet i do. otherwise i wouldnt be doing all i am doing now. Rick, it is extremely hard for me to see others who are close to their moms cause i cant be close with my mom. its not that i dont want to but she doesnt seem to get that things are better the way the are and cant be the way t hey should. Yes my mom should be allowed at our house but she did steal my hubbys car(at this time we were just dating) and left a crackpipe in his car. had he not found that and gotten pulled over by the cops he would  have went to jail. We tried to give her a second chance and she just stole hubbys alcohol and gotten drunk at our house, snuck alcohol into a cup and was drinking while i was driving, hell she even snuck a beer bottle in my car while i was driving. It has always been about her but never about how her actions have affected me and it is still this way today. i dont know if i have the strength to cut my mom out of my life and if i did then i know in my heart she would kill herself and i would be to blame. even if it wasnt by her own hand, and by her actions that killed her. I still pray that i would wake up and be from a different family. i do sometimes wonder if it is my fault that my mom is the way she is and wonder if i am being a good enough daughter.
timeless said...
Hey worriedgirl , My point was not to make you feel bad for posting and should have been in a new thread actually . I'm sorry I created that thought in your head and I will try in the future to clarify my thoughts before posting , It was in reference to " Lying Alcoholics " that was posted earlier and was nothing more than a veiled attempt to address that issue in the mix of things . Your way of dealing with your mom is a individually chosen path and only you know in your heart if you can continue the path , Snakes or not its always best to carry a stick and prod the path when you see areas of questionable footing . Your thoughts are valid and you are handling the situation as best you know how but as you know if her behavior persist you will have to make a hurtful decision to save yourself and your and not risk further damage to your family . My mother and father made the decision when they had my oldest brother to cut my grandpa loose (On my moms side) due to his alcohol abuse and his mental/verbal abuse on her and her siblings . I am the middle of three sons , I saw my papa around 5 times total before he past in his late 60s all times at a early age and didn't attend his wake or burial services when I was in my late 20s or so , It's kinda hard to be connected to someone you don't know . My parents isolated us boys to shield us from the rough world of are kin on all sides . I and my brothers remained numb to our relatives for along time and my oldest brother has grown regretfully distant to our parents myself and little brother . Decisions/choices are like " pet " snakes who turn on there " owners ". There is no such thing as a pet snake because in the end it will behave as a snake and capable of eating its own to survive , I love my parents deeply but it still pains me to know I was cheated the ability to know my papa and others and make a educated choice with my parents supervision . I have heard so many takes on who and what was the man I called papa but have to rely only on that knowledge . No easy answer for those kind of choices I guess . Yes my parents acted on a sense of danger to there children but what of the implications as a result to that choice . I see both sides of the issue in my own perspective and I wish your choices to be less complicated and impacting . I'm only Rick not a infallible god and I am experiencing growth in my life as you are , My sincerest apologies for any misconceptions and I respectfully stand corrected for my knee jerk response to you or any others whom see this . Worriedgirl you have come to be someone I have built my thoughts around as I feel we understand each other . My situation isn't very different just circumstances . Peace and my deepest apology .


The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 11/5/2009 3:00 PM (GMT -7)   

Worried Girl, I'd like to suggest that you check out Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings.  They are an off-shoot of Al-Anon.  I actually got more out of them than the Al-Anon meetings.  You can look up Alcoholics Anonymous in the phone book; call and ask if there are any ACOA meetings in your vicinity.  Everyone there is going through, or has been through, what you are.  Even after cutting my mother out of my life, I went through a period of grieving--not for her, but for what would never be, even if she were still in my life.  She would never be the mom I wanted and needed her to be...and I grieved that loss.

One thing I want you to get straight in your head and heart is that nothing she does is because of you or anything you have done or not done.  YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT.  YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER CHOICES!!  Self-centeredness is part of addiction.  Everything is me, me, me and the alcoholic/addict has no insight at all into how their actions are affecting others.  They are really blind to that and incapable of behaving any other way--unless they get sober and learn more about themselves, along with a willingness to change.

If your mom kills herself by drinking or by her own hand, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  You can bend over backwards for her and I assure you it is not going to make any difference in her feelings or lack of them.  And that is a very hard pill to swallow.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, as always.

Hugs,

Connie



hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Post Edited (hep93) : 11/6/2009 9:25:48 PM (GMT-7)


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/5/2009 3:05 PM (GMT -7)   
i appreciate all your words. you guys really do make me feel better. and no one tries to make me feel bad about how i feel either. its nice to have someone to talk with and who cares
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


DTM
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 11/6/2009 8:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi worried girl, I am in a similar situation with my Dad. He has cirrhosis and after a bad episode that put him in the hospital and physical rehab he quit drinking for about 7 months but then he started again. He felt good and thought he could handle it. His health has been failing since. His doctor has told him he will only live about 6 months if he drinks but he is choosing to drink. I have been thru so many emotions with both my parents. My Mom refuses to stop drinking as well and get the alcohal out of the house. My Dad lied to me once about drinking and then I saw him drink. We had an argument and I forced the issue that if he was going to drink then have the guts to do it in front of me and not hide it. I am trying to let go and let god. I have felt some relief after I have accepted I cant fix this for him but what I can do is love him, spend as much time as possible with him and let go of my anger. I wish you peace of mind and that you come to forgive your mother for her decisions. Take care

allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 11/7/2009 3:44 AM (GMT -7)   
worried girl i know exactly how you feel because i am in the same position. I am watching my mother die slowly in front of me. i just lost my gran adn i know i have to prepare for the future. i have lost count how many times i have tried to listen out for the signs of drinking, watching her if she lets her guard down. i have also lost count of how many times i have raised my hopes, when she calls and she sounds sober, when she actually listens toyou, i raise my hopes and pray for a relationship that is not going to happen. Then it as if i am mourning again, if i speak to her and she is rushing me off the phone, not listening to what i am saying, it is as if she could record what she is saying and that tape is playing over again. i hate the alcohol and what it has done to her. i have been to alanon to see if i can make sense of things, i am struggling with it, but i go. my mum is miserable, hates herself, has no confidence, and she drinks to blank everything out.i used to think, if she cared she would not drink. i know now that is not the case. she does love me and my children, but cannot fight it as she won't admit it. i am struggling now to deal with this so called rejection. but no matter what i think or do, it is all down to her. i do hope your mum is not drinking again, and i share your pain. try and not let it take over
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