WorriedGirl, there's really no way to know for sure if she's drinking again. However, I have to wonder why she would lie about her whereabouts. What is she trying to hide? Also, her hanging around with someone who drinks is not a wise thing for her to do. Do you think she would sit there and not drink if her friend is drinking in front of her? Your mom hasn't been sober long enough to be able to look temptation in the face and say NO. Even if she is not drinking now, if she is with people who are drinking and going to places she shouldn't be, she WILL drink again...it's just a matter of when. I don't know how many people I've heard in AA tell about going to a bar with a friend, or to a place they used to go to, and just ordering a coke. And maybe they would be okay that first time. But the next time, after the coke they would say, "Oh, I can have just one drink," and that would lead to a binge and all the horrors that brings. I was scared enough by these tales that I never have been to a bar since I've been sober. I don't know if I would be able to get sober again if I drank. Now, with the history of liver cancer, I know it would also kill me. I don't even like to go to restaurants with a bar. I feel uncomfortable. And that's after 23+ yrs.
If your mom isn't going to AA and isn't learning how to live without drinking, it's almost a certainty that she will drink again. I know some people who have set it down and never drank again. Some find their strength and resolve through church and their relationship with God. Others just do it. But they are a very small minority. From what I've heard of your mom, I don't think she is one of them.
So the choice now is yours, as to whether you want to maintain a relationship with her or not. If so, it means accepting her as she is and knowing that you cannot change her. If you cut her out of your life, you have to do so knowing that you are taking care of yourself and that to be involved with her is to be accepting a toxic relationship.
My prayers will be with you.
i agree sober people do make mistakes alot to. i am sorry if i had offended anyone with this post. i know alcohol is a touchy subject but alcohol and drugs have caused me many heartaches and pain in my life. i know i am no angel, i do drink occassionally but its never alone always with hubby so that i dont ever get that urge to continue. it pains me to see t he mother that is supposed to love me love alcohol more than me or her own life. on top of that the drugs have killed all my hope for her. yes she is off the drugs as of now but from past experience that may not last long. i hate the fact that i am losing my mom early because she chose to destroy her body. i know that alcoholism is a disease just like hep c and cirrhosis is a disease but yet i feel that she should want to quit and stay sober to see her grandchildren grow up. i will eventually have to explain to my six year old why her meema is not around anymore and that breaks my heart. i seen what her papa dying did to her and i am not looking forward to this again as my girl is a little closer to her meema. i already limit the time my daughter is around my mom but my girl adores her anyways. i think back to all that should have been with us and ache for the closeness that every daughter should feel with her mom and knowing i will never have it. alcohol and drugs stole that away from me.
on the side note since the hep diagnosis i have been a little closer to her but it is a guarded closeness. unfortuanately i dont have anyone to talk to about this and get all my feelings off my chest. my sister is no help whatsoever to me and so all of moms care is on my shoulders and when she dies that will be all on my shoulders also and i will have to pay for it all and i know that gonna put a strain on us financially, my husband hates her and i dont blame him(her actions could have put him in jail once for something that he didnt do luckily he noticed before ever getting that far) and he listens to me but he feels she brought this all on herself(which she did push all her other family away as they got tired of her stealing and lying from them so they cut her out of their life) and he is already stressed out enough so i dont want to burden him, i dont have any real friends that i can count on. my only one real friend is my hubbys best friend and so i cant turn to them. so i turn to you guys to get my feelings under control. i have come to learn that the disease is not only hard on the one who has the disease but also the one taking care of the person with the disease. i hate the disease itself. im sorry this is so long but i have thoughts in my head that i need to get out.
i dont think she will ever fully change and i either have to deal with it or cut her out of my life.(most people dont understand why i am doing what i am doing as i am doing more for her than she has ever done for me). if i cut her out of my life then i am afraid i will live with regrets when she passes and she will die alone. if i deal with it i run the risk of losing my sanity(if i ever had any) but i know despite what i have said about cutting her out if i catch her drinking i will most likely deal with it so i have no regrets. i am naive and stupid i guess for continuing down the same path but i cannot let my mom die alone.
Worried Girl, I'd like to suggest that you check out Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. They are an off-shoot of Al-Anon. I actually got more out of them than the Al-Anon meetings. You can look up Alcoholics Anonymous in the phone book; call and ask if there are any ACOA meetings in your vicinity. Everyone there is going through, or has been through, what you are. Even after cutting my mother out of my life, I went through a period of grieving--not for her, but for what would never be, even if she were still in my life. She would never be the mom I wanted and needed her to be...and I grieved that loss.
One thing I want you to get straight in your head and heart is that nothing she does is because of you or anything you have done or not done. YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER CHOICES!! Self-centeredness is part of addiction. Everything is me, me, me and the alcoholic/addict has no insight at all into how their actions are affecting others. They are really blind to that and incapable of behaving any other way--unless they get sober and learn more about themselves, along with a willingness to change.
If your mom kills herself by drinking or by her own hand, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You can bend over backwards for her and I assure you it is not going to make any difference in her feelings or lack of them. And that is a very hard pill to swallow.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, as always.
Post Edited (hep93) : 11/6/2009 9:25:48 PM (GMT-7)