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allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 11/7/2009 3:55 AM (GMT -7)   
i in the lasthave not seen my mum for about three weeks. after a huge fight, we were told not to come back. i wrote her her a letter and her partner, not a condeming letter, but a sincere letter on how i felt about our bad situation. i can't go back into that house after the things that were said by her partner. i know he is stressed out, can't cope, and is taking his frustration out on me, but i told him no more. he insists on her still being there, he is 78 now my mum 62. i want to see my mumbut now she has to let me know when,so iknow it will be never...and that is hard. she is still recovering after another bad fall, her face black and blue full of stitches, but when i phoned her she was really drunk , she could hardly speak. she can't walkat the best of times, she really is a danger to herself, it is not safe for her. and i have told her that. iam frightened whats going to happen, she cried on the phone theother day, it was sincere, but she does not try. each cut she gets she bleeds badly because her clotting mechanism is not working, her eyes are yellow.its awful i cant keepaway all together. Her liver will not be able to take much more. how can she be told over two year ago that she has 3 months to live if she does not stop drinking and she is still here...

worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/7/2009 8:08 AM (GMT -7)   
because she is stubborn and stubborn people hold on longer. from what you say though her body is not capable of handling much more and will eventually shut down. i know it is hard, from my post you can see what i am going through and i feel for you cause i wouldnt wish this on anyone. i dont think we will ever understand why our moms seem to love alcohol more than us(i know our moms love us but this darn addiction) and why they just cant put the alcohol down. i dont understand it myself, i occasionally drink and i dont see what is so special about the alcohol and the supposed feeling they get from it. yes i get giddy but i dont need that feeling or the buzz feeling to cope or get on with my life. in fact if im sad the alcohol makes it worse for me. so why do they need it so. i would just let go and try to worry about your family and enjoy your life. i know easier said than done as i cant do it myself.
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


jft
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 11/7/2009 8:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear allie.
To stop using stupefying substances you must either have a very clear brain or you must be very afraid of what might happen if you continue. To have the fear you must understand the consequences. To understand the consequences must be recognized in the brain. As you can see it's all a circle. As an alcohollic can only come out of the circle by breaking it, and it is hard. So there must be someone to make the break for her. Send her away, get her forced removed. It could also be that your mother does not care about dying, because she seems unable to look to cure. 
Breaking the circle of her, you must have the courage to do so. If you do not have the courage, admit it and live in peace with yourself, your family and friends, but say oodbye to your mom so she understands that the next time you´ll se here, is at her funeral.
Know what you want, then you can live in peace.
 
Good luck
JFT

Regards from Denmark
 
Whats under the sky is natural.
Whats over...................is flying.


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/7/2009 10:01 AM (GMT -7)   
im sorry i kind of disagree with the statement about the courage to break it for her. as a child of an alcoholic myself i know that i cant break the cycle with any sort of rehab. the alcoholic must want to be free of alcohol to quit and have the willpower. it is not up to allie to fix her mom cause she cant. her mom must want to quit. my grandpa was a alcoholic for 30 years and quit cold turkey with no rehab or help, because if he didnt the stress of his addiction would have killed his wife, who was a diabetic. he quit with no help and didnt touch a drip until my grandma died. she will not be able to make her mom quit even if she was to go to rehab, her mom needs to want to quit.
jft said...
Dear allie.
To stop using stupefying substances you must either have a very clear brain or you must be very afraid of what might happen if you continue. To have the fear you must understand the consequences. To understand the consequences must be recognized in the brain. As you can see it's all a circle. As an alcohollic can only come out of the circle by breaking it, and it is hard. So there must be someone to make the break for her. Send her away, get her forced removed. It could also be that your mother does not care about dying, because she seems unable to look to cure. 
Breaking the circle of her, you must have the courage to do so. If you do not have the courage, admit it and live in peace with yourself, your family and friends, but say oodbye to your mom so she understands that the next time you´ll se here, is at her funeral.
Know what you want, then you can live in peace.
 
Good luck
JFT


The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 11/7/2009 11:21 AM (GMT -7)   

Allie, I'm sorry to hear that things have gotten even worse, but I'm not surprised.  You need to do one of two things:  Have her court-ordered to treatment or let go altogether.  Of course, treatment is no guarantee that she would stay sober, but it does give the alcoholic the chance to detox and make a decision based on a clear brain, as JFT was saying.  She is physically addicted to alcohol...that is why she cannot just quit.  Worried Girl, same for your mom.  It is a physical addiction, like nicotine.  As a 2-pack a day smoker, I had to use the nicotine patches to taper off of it.  Otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to just quit, even knowing how bad it was for me.  Alcohol is no different.  Plus they also need to learn how to live without alcohol; how to experience bad feelings and not run to the bottle; to develop coping mechanisms.  In treatment, they normally are given some medication to calm the nerves and make withdrawal easier.  I personally just tapered down on my alcohol, ending up with beer on the weekends before quitting altogether.  But some people need professional detox.  I am trying to explain why they can't just stop on their own.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 11/8/2009 4:55 AM (GMT -7)   
i have tried to talk to my mumabout goingfor detox, she is adament that she willnot go. she has been in hospital many many times, sometimes a coupleof weeks the longest was 6 weeks. great i thought, 6 weeks, no alcohol she had help with withdrawal symtoms and addiction teams were speaking to her on a regular basis. she was sober, looked a lot better. but the first days she was out she went for the bottle almost straight away. it was as if she was telling everyone what they wanted to hear so she could get out. she knew eventually she would be out and she would drink. she has been with her partner for approx 25 years, he keeps telling the hosp that he can mange, i have tried countless times to change his mind, the nurses says i can do nothing because he is willingto look after her. i understand because he is down as next of kin that he makes the decisions not me. if it were up to me and he was not there i would take control.
JFT, it is not easy to walkaway completely, she is all i have regards family, and sometimes it is not easy to break the circle when you have people fighting against you.
i know my mum needs to learn how to cope without alcohol she admits she is a coward, but as i have been toldin Alanon only she can change. it is so hard to watch, i am sorry i feel sometimes that if i decide to put up with the situation i should shut up and not moan. so sorry if i am goingon a bit.
please excuse my faulty keyboard

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 11/8/2009 9:16 AM (GMT -7)   

Allie, she does really have to want to stop drinking in order to folllow through with it.  So if she won't stop, there's little you can do...especially with her partner in the way.  He is enabling her, not helping her.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


DTM
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 11/8/2009 11:07 AM (GMT -7)   
My Dad has ESLD and still continues to drink as well, and my mother refuses to stop drinking to get it out of the house and to help him stop. I think being the children of alchohalics we think that they are choosing alchohal over life and over us. We need to remember that they are frightened as well and that makes giving up drinking even harder. My Dad is 74 and probably realizes that even if he gave up drinking he really doesn't have that much longer to live due to his ESLD. He says drinking helps with the pain and refuses to acknowledge that the drinking caused the pain the first place. The only advice I can give is to give up the battle and to love them as much as we can and spend as much time with them as we can. We can't fix it but we can smother them with good thoughts, prayer and love. I don't want to be angry and hurt any more. I don't want to fear his death anymore. I want to trust that god will take care of him now and after and that when my Dad passes he will go smiling knowing that he has not disappointed his children.

Take care, Donna

worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/8/2009 11:25 AM (GMT -7)   
i agree with Donna here although im not sure how to let go of the hurt and anger when there is so much sometimes. i want my mom to go knowing i loved her but i do know that she has disappointed me and keeps on doing it but i keep it in so she will not know thats  how i feel. that is a bridge better left uncrossed cause in her eyes she has done no wrong and refuses to see what pain her actions have caused. but i will let my mom go in peace cause everyone deserves that. DTM you are wise when you said that we need to realize that its not that they dont love us but the addiction is tough. and it is hard to see that cause all we see is that they continue to choose alcohol over being with their children or grandchildren. To us we think it should be easy to give up the alcohol because we are not addicted.
DTM said...
My Dad has ESLD and still continues to drink as well, and my mother refuses to stop drinking to get it out of the house and to help him stop. I think being the children of alchohalics we think that they are choosing alchohal over life and over us. We need to remember that they are frightened as well and that makes giving up drinking even harder. My Dad is 74 and probably realizes that even if he gave up drinking he really doesn't have that much longer to live due to his ESLD. He says drinking helps with the pain and refuses to acknowledge that the drinking caused the pain the first place. The only advice I can give is to give up the battle and to love them as much as we can and spend as much time with them as we can. We can't fix it but we can smother them with good thoughts, prayer and love. I don't want to be angry and hurt any more. I don't want to fear his death anymore. I want to trust that god will take care of him now and after and that when my Dad passes he will go smiling knowing that he has not disappointed his children.

Take care, Donna

The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 11/8/2009 4:33 PM (GMT -7)   
sometimes it is so hard to see through the alcohol and see the person hiding behind it.we all know what we should do, i guess you really have to have the same addiction to truelly understand. and you have to be affected by an alcoholic to really know how it feels.
it is hard to love when through the alcohol all you have had is rejection, its hard watching them hurt the ones you love. i love my mum but i struggle daily. like worried girl's mum she does not really admit to herself that she has been in the wrong.i want my mum to know i love her no matter what and i always tell her that. But sometimes it is not possible to ignore her when she is drunk and abusive, i barely have a relationship with her, i do not bring her down but i can't sit and talk to her when she is lying in her own filth, drunk and talk to her as if i am ok with what is happening to her. i have watched the doctors fight very hard for her life, i have been at her side when i can but she is so lost in her addiction.i know in my heart she will not get through this. to me is really is a matter of time.
one thing i know now is i am tired fighting, no more i have had enough.
Donna, i think every situation is different, and you are so right in yours.
my gran who was 89 died a few weeks back.my mum treated her very badly in the last years of her life. she came out of hospital and was very bad at the walking, she was getting new heating, her furniture was all downstairs because she could not climb the stairs. she was meant to come to my house to stay when the engineers were there, but they came early and she went home with my mum. my mum was drunk and allowed her to go upstairs unaided, she fell down the stairs from the very top, backwards. she was only in mums care for 30 mins, whilst my husband ran through to get her. i do not know why she let her do that. i never asked her,i wanted to but never did,what was the point it was done now. my gran pulled through but was left in a wheelchair. i never told her how bad my mum. two years after that she decided she wanted to die,she stopped her medication, refused to eat only sips of fluids. she told me this is what she wanted, i stood by her decision,told her i loved her and would be ther untilthe end. she knew her quality of life was bad,so for her there was no point. i am still devasted without her, she was my rock. so Donna if your dad wants to make things a little easier on himself, then it is his decision. we can only do what we feel is right in our situation.

jft
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 11/9/2009 10:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey allie.
Please tell me something about yourself.
Try to tell without interfering your mother and her problem into the description.
Regards from Denmark
 
Whats under the sky is natural.
Whats over...................is flying.


jft
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 11/9/2009 11:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear worriedgirl.
From the beginning I would like to clarify that I know what is legal and possible the USA or for that matter sake, what is legal in Europe.
I can only talk about what is possible in Denmark and how the majority feel for what to accept.
Let us not confuse habits, 30 years ago, with how to treat the problems and diseases today.
There was so much that it wasn´t known in the treatment of alcoholikkerer. 

Drinking alcohol is not a disease. It is the consequences of drinking that leads to diseases. Therefore, it is not while people are drinking, you can do something. It is during the breaks that you have a possibility.
Now it is often difficult to find the breaks, so we must try to make them. Either through cforce or without foorce. Breaks can be created by punching through the press, by intimidation, yes, by cheating. But the processing must take place during the breaks.

It's there and only there, we have an opportunity to affect their brain.
It can be done by getting their acceptance of a therapy (eg Minisota), by scaring them and making them clearly how their continued drink leads to a splittet family.

When this is done, so be ready to accept the consequences and THAT demands courage.

It must then be enough for now.

Regards from Denmark
 
Whats under the sky is natural.
Whats over...................is flying.


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/9/2009 12:16 PM (GMT -7)   

here in united states alcoholism is a disease. their moments of clarity lasts so few and far between and if they refuse help or to get treated, no amount of courage can make them change. as allie knows there is nothing we can do to make them stop drinking they have to want to.  you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink. as children of alcoholics we know the pain that we suffer and no one can fully understand what we go through and the pain we feel until you go through it yourself. you make it sound like if we cant make them stop drinking then we are cowards. do you know how many times my mom has been through rehab for alcohol and drugs? a ton and it dont work on her as she just doesnt have the willpower to quit. she was once so low she was  homeless and living in shelters and yet she still drinks. my mom knows that she lost alot because of her drinking and yet she continues. it is a disease, that she cant seem to get out of just as the hep c and cirrhosis is a disease and to me the alcoholism is worse than the hep c and cirrhosis itself. my mom will go weeks without alcohol and go to rehab only to be drinking again the next day.just because we want them to clean up doesnt mean they will. it is their choice and they make it and we as the children suffer for it.

and i know you will prolly say that we should cut them out of our lives, well that is not as easy as it sounds. if we cut them out of our lives then their behavior self destructs worse and then when they die we will have to live with the guilt, whether we are to blame or not, of not doing what we can to do. the best we can do is to tolerate their behavior so they die knowing their kids still love them and that they were not alone. as much as i want to say to my mom i am done with you, i cant because i am the only one who is helping her get her meds and taking her to the doctors and getting her the propler meds. if i didnt her doctor wouldnt do jack crap with her because my mom  has no idea on how to talk to the doctor and get the right treatment.

i dont know if you have family that are alcoholics but if  you dont, then walk a mile in our shoes and then tell us how it feels. its not fun.i am not being mean, i just want you to understand the pain and heartache we go through, and most of us would walk to the ends of the earth for our parents to beat this addiction/disease. we would give up everything for it to happen but we also know that them quitting solely rests on them and we are left suffering in pain, knowing that their addiction is stronger than their love for us. and also we have to go through the motions of blaming ourselves for our parents faults and learning that it is not our fault they are like that.

jft said...
Dear worriedgirl.
From the beginning I would like to clarify that I know what is legal and possible the USA or for that matter sake, what is legal in Europe.
I can only talk about what is possible in Denmark and how the majority feel for what to accept.
Let us not confuse habits, 30 years ago, with how to treat the problems and diseases today.
There was so much that it wasn´t known in the treatment of alcoholikkerer. 

Drinking alcohol is not a disease. It is the consequences of drinking that leads to diseases. Therefore, it is not while people are drinking, you can do something. It is during the breaks that you have a possibility.
Now it is often difficult to find the breaks, so we must try to make them. Either through cforce or without foorce. Breaks can be created by punching through the press, by intimidation, yes, by cheating. But the processing must take place during the breaks.

It's there and only there, we have an opportunity to affect their brain.
It can be done by getting their acceptance of a therapy (eg Minisota), by scaring them and making them clearly how their continued drink leads to a splittet family.

When this is done, so be ready to accept the consequences and THAT demands courage.

It must then be enough for now.



The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


jft
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 11/9/2009 2:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi again worriedgirl
Let me start by saying ,that I do not have an alcohol lic in my family. This does not mean that one can not understand the pain you, as a daughter, lives with. I'm not so close, but that does not mean that one can not understand the pain this situation can create.  Not all cancerdoctor has cancer in the immediate family.
But with your pain the circle has come yet another step forward. Do you have children, so they probably also suffer under the problem. Then the circle come yet another step forward. How far will you allow the circle to come out? How many more must feel pain. That decision takes courage.
But something everyone needs is, clarity. Everyone should be aware of the consequences that circle has if its  not broken. It's a tough decision, oa decision that requires courage, a brave decision.
 
I do not blame you for not taken that decision, I can understand its a hard thing, but you
destroys your life with guilt. Your children, what about them, your husband and who else. Be carefull with that circle.

Regards from Denmark
 
Whats under the sky is natural.
Whats over...................is flying.


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 11/9/2009 2:08 PM (GMT -7)   

Worried Girl, I do want to make one thing clear that nonalcoholics don't seem to realize:  Abstaining from alcohol for good is not a matter of will power.  It is just the opposite--the knowledge that we have no control whatsoever over it, and waving the white flag of surrender saying we don't know how to live without alcohol--and being open and willing to learn just how to do that.  It requires a complete change in thinking and acting.  It is a lifestyle change.  In AA they tell us HOW to do it:  Honesty, openness, and Willingness.  That is the HOW.  Willingness is such a huge part of the equation.  If an alcoholic isn't willing, it's not going to work.  Sobriety also depends on faith--that "a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity."  That power can be a group of sober alcoholics or it can be "God as we understand him."

Hugs,

Connie



hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Post Edited (hep93) : 11/10/2009 4:09:53 PM (GMT-7)


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/10/2009 12:12 AM (GMT -7)   
alright i  apologize, i guess for me it is hard to understand what alcoholics do go through cause i am not dependent on it. i guess i used the wrong term. i should have said she has no desire to go to AA to learn how to cope with alcohol. im sorry if i upset you.
hep93 said...

Worried Girl, I do want to make one thing clear that nonalcoholics don't seem to realize:  Abstaining from alcohol for good is not a matter of will power.  It is just the opposite--the knowledge that we have no control whatsoever over it, and waving the white flag of surrender saying we don't know how to live without alcohol--and being open and willing to learn just how to do that.  It requires a complete change in thinking and acting.  It is a lifestyle change.  In AA they tell us HOW to do it:  Honesty, openness, and Willingness.  That is the HOW.  Willingness is such a huge part of the equation.  If an alcoholic isn't willing, it's not going to work.  Sobriety also depends on faith--that "a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity."  That power can be a group of sober alcoholics or it can be "God as we understand him."

Hugs,

Connie



The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/10/2009 12:19 AM (GMT -7)   
yes i have a child and a husband and i try to keep it seperate from them. my mom is only allowed around my kid if i am there and never alone. i limit the amount of time she is with my mom, normally a couple times a month for maybe two hours and if i find out she has been drinking i leave and dont hang out with her at all. right now she is good at either not drinking or hiding it but her moments of sobriety never last long. i do try not to hang on to guilt or anger and i come here when i feel it for advice and clarity. i dont talk to hubby to much on my mom cause he dont like her but it makes it hard on me because i dont have anyoone to talk to but yu guys about it. i will not allow my kid to feel the way i have felt and i think i am a better mom for it but it doesnt stop me from wishing for the relationship i should have had with my mom. i hope u didnt take my replys the wrong way as i meant nothing by them just wanted you to see what we have to go through being children of alcoholics. i love my mom with all my heart but i hate the addiction, and sometimes it is hard to seperate the two but i am learning. now being her caretaker is hard on me and puts me under a great deal of stress and i know there is more to come. there are days i feel like i am drowning and there are days i feel like all is fine.
jft said...
Hi again worriedgirl
Let me start by saying ,that I do not have an alcohol lic in my family. This does not mean that one can not understand the pain you, as a daughter, lives with. I'm not so close, but that does not mean that one can not understand the pain this situation can create.  Not all cancerdoctor has cancer in the immediate family.
But with your pain the circle has come yet another step forward. Do you have children, so they probably also suffer under the problem. Then the circle come yet another step forward. How far will you allow the circle to come out? How many more must feel pain. That decision takes courage.
But something everyone needs is, clarity. Everyone should be aware of the consequences that circle has if its  not broken. It's a tough decision, oa decision that requires courage, a brave decision.
 
I do not blame you for not taken that decision, I can understand its a hard thing, but you
destroys your life with guilt. Your children, what about them, your husband and who else. Be carefull with that circle.


The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 11/10/2009 1:58 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey Jft

sometimes i am so wrapped up in my problems that i do forget about myself. I think that is what you mean by your quote eh?

I am 44, and happily married with two children my son who is 20, and my daughter is 13. i only met my father in my thirtiesbut i made the decision not to see him, he was an alcoholic with mental health issues. my husband has been great over the years, i can talk to him about anything.

To be honest with you, alcohol has affected my relationship with my children and husband and I am trying to deal with these fellings through Alanon. It is not easy, but i go. my son had the chance to get to know his gran and was really close to her when he was small up to about 6 years old, my daughter missed out on the chance of getting to know her real gran, she is frightened by her manner, her behaviour etc, she has missed out on alot.

what about yourself, how are you affected by alcohol you have such strong opinions about it.

As worried girls portrays being a caregiver can be very difficult,your emotions are up and down all the time, no matter what you do or say, you always feel guilty. you can't compare it to cancer sufferers or their families, it is not worse nor better but definately different. you have to deal with all the problems that the addiction brings as well as the physical problems.

jft said...
Hey allie.
Please tell me something about yourself.
Try to tell without interfering your mother and her problem into the description

jft
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 11/10/2009 6:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear worriedgirl
I know you have it bad. It is not easy, but you will have to cut your mother if she does not want anything other than drinking.

Please see how your loved ones also suffer. It is clear that you need to talk to bare on the problem, but there are support groups for families of alcoholics.
Atleast here in Denmark, so it should probably be with you too. Search help there, they can help you with your problem.

You describe quite clearly the problems it gives both your husband and your daughter. This means that the circle is going on, get it now broken through seeking help for yourself and not your mother. Do not let your daughter be a part of a vicious circle, tell your mother that it's over with being with your other part of the family. Protect them and yourself. It's what your wants, be there for her funeral, you need help to deal with your grief, dont pas it on.

Regards from Denmark
 
Whats under the sky is natural.
Whats over...................is flying.


jft
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 11/10/2009 7:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear allie.
I would ask you to read my correspondence with worriedgirl. Your in almost the same situation.
There are many important things in life.
One of them is not to keep on suffering and certainly not to pass it on to your family.
I can see you doing something to help, and I think this is fantastic, congratulations.
I hope that "worriedgirl"  reads this and maybe you could help her. It is important to help.
 
Allie, I have no aloholproblemer within my family. I have been close, but I meting my wife, was enough to get me away from the circel.
My opinions is based on my attempt to understand problems, and then think.
The reason I brought cancer in was not to compare it with alcoholism.
I would only say that you need not to have cancer in the family to get acquainted with the feelings this disease causes.
The same with alcohol, you do not need to have an alcohollic in the family to understand the problem and perhaps even understand the solution.

I would like to repeat, that drinking is NOT a disease.
The disease is a consequence of not stopping to drinking.
Diseases of the living, kidneys, and above all in the brain. Thats the problem, the brain, and it can only be addressed if the person is sober.
Allie, I hope you continue your attempts to break out and remember it is not you who has the disease.
Regards from Denmark
 
Whats under the sky is natural.
Whats over...................is flying.


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/10/2009 8:13 AM (GMT -7)   

the issues affected hubby  along time ago until i seperated her from him. now i only see her on my time and not with him. he only gives me a shoulder to lean on but i dont use it that often. my daughter has no idea how my mom really is and when she is old enough i will explain to her what her meema has and has done. it dont affect them as i wont let it. but yet it is not easy to cut someone out of your life. i am all my mom has and if i cut her out she will die for sure. her doctor only answers my questions, or if he answers hers she forgets idk, before i started going to  her doctors she was close to death. her bloodwork levels i am not sure how she made it, she had ascites, and was so jaundiced all over her body. with the help of me and HW, i was able to get her back to health. if i wouldnt have stepped in then she would have died.

it is not easy to step away from a mother even if you know she is toxic, when you know that would be a death sentence for her. have you ever had to live with guilt of not doing what you know is right? i have seen people that feel guilty for not speaking to their loved ones before they die, and i cant do it. i dont feel guilty for helping her, and thanks to HW i dont feel guilty for my moms addiction, but i would feel guilty if i sentenced my mom to her death. if i stop talking and helping her then she will die. i have no proof she is drinking again, but i have a feeling, but if i catch her then i will cross that bridge when i get there. if she is drinking then i will have to sit down and think hard on whether i can continue to care for them. but i would rather my mom die knowing  how much i love her so she can have some peace then die not knowing.

Jft i do understand what you mean and where you going and what you are saying. i wish it was that easy but it is not. i was raised where the family is supposed to take care of the elderly. some days are better than others with my mom. she is bipolar and not treated cause no insurance so when she is manic or depressed it is worse. i dont go to alnon but i have healing well and just being able to talk is beneficial and keeps my sanity of mind here.

jft said...
Dear worriedgirl
I know you have it bad. It is not easy, but you will have to cut your mother if she does not want anything other than drinking.

Please see how your loved ones also suffer. It is clear that you need to talk to bare on the problem, but there are support groups for families of alcoholics.
Atleast here in Denmark, so it should probably be with you too. Search help there, they can help you with your problem.

You describe quite clearly the problems it gives both your husband and your daughter. This means that the circle is going on, get it now broken through seeking help for yourself and not your mother. Do not let your daughter be a part of a vicious circle, tell your mother that it's over with being with your other part of the family. Protect them and yourself. It's what your wants, be there for her funeral, you need help to deal with your grief, dont pas it on.


The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 11/10/2009 10:19 AM (GMT -7)   
i have only been to alanon four times, twice was many years ago. i do think it helps people thay has been prove, i have yet to decide whether it is for me.
They say, the hospitals say alcoholism is a disease, i am still not sure about that either. jft, it is only your opinion that this is not a disease, there are many people far more qualified than you who say it is, you have a right to your opinion, so do others.

this site has been great for me. I have found out many facts about esld and spoke to many people who have went through the same situation.
i do not feel sorry formyself, i do not let my life be centred around my mum,ihave learnt through many many years of her problem. i as have said before we are all different personalities in different but similar situations, trying to get through life as best we can. the issue here is not where alcoholism is a disease or not, the issue still is people in the same situation helping others with their time,information and kindness. Like you worried girl i have had to adapt my behaviour so it does not affect my family and i appreciate people who comment and try and support me.
thanks to all commenting on this post

Post Edited (allie2631) : 11/10/2009 10:22:51 AM (GMT-7)


jft
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 11/10/2009 11:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear worriedgirl.
I am so glad to understand that you do whatever you can not to pas the pain. We shall all inherit something or and let other inherit. Just not pain..
You have broken the circle, it is mainly you that has the pain. You have chosen and you are right, to feel guilty by not helping her, can be just as bad. Take care of yourself, do not worry, change your alias for it seems that you have control over things. But be aware of yourself and seek help, rather before you need it.
Take care.

Regards from Denmark
 
Whats under the sky is natural.
Whats over...................is flying.


jft
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 11/10/2009 11:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear allie.
Now you show us the strong woman you are. A strong, conscious girl who knows what she does and how it should done. You have even begun to rebuke me, nice that you moved away from the troubled girl who wrote the first post on 11/7-2009.
 
You'll be OK, nice.

Regards from Denmark
 
Whats under the sky is natural.
Whats over...................is flying.


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 11/10/2009 5:07 PM (GMT -7)   

Worried Girl, good heavens, you didn't upset me!!  I was just trying to offer a little insight and education.  You are not the only one who has said that someone doesn't have the will power to stop drinking.  One of the first things you learn in AA is that it is not a matter of will power.  That goes for all addictions.  But willingness, yes.  Willingness to TRY living without alcohol, drugs, whatever, and willingness to get the help needed to achieve long-term sobriety.

Big hugs to you,

Connie



hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Post Edited (hep93) : 11/10/2009 5:12:52 PM (GMT-7)

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