Exhausted and scared

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worriedgirl
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Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/16/2009 2:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Well I received a call at seventhirty that a friend had to take my mom to the er in circleville(my mom went to her friends son house to help him clean so he can move) and they insisted I wait to come down til I knew if I needed to. Come ten I come to find out she has to have emergency surgery to repair a hole in her intestine( ulcer that perforated) so I am now sitting here in the hospital waiting for my mom to be discharged from icu, she will be here til Wednesday prolly. My work and hubby gonna love me. Surgeon said if she wouldn't have came in she would have died in two days. Now I am gonna have to talk hubby into letting me bring her to our house(keep in mind she not even allowed at our house cause of how she has done us wrong) so I can take care of her. My sister was to on her high horse to even come down here to be with mom and I can't even depend on her to help with my mom. I'm scared and only have slept a hour and a half. She looks horrible and is intabsated(sp?)I fear she is getting worse and that she won't live for another year
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


deedee48
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 148
   Posted 11/16/2009 6:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Worriedgirl, My prayers are with you and your Mom. You hang in there, for yourself and mom.  I hope your husband puts his  bad feelings aside he has for your mom and just supports your decision no matter what it may be.
My thoughts and prayers are with you,
DeeDee

worriedgirl
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Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/16/2009 7:02 AM (GMT -7)   
We are gonna discuss it. I am a little worried if she bleeds but I know that I have nothing to fear. It is hard being s hour away from home but this is where I need to be. I hope he does, I understand with everything she has stolen how he feels but this needs to be done
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


hep93
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Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 11/16/2009 12:38 PM (GMT -7)   

Worried Girl, you know the ulcer is caused from the drinking and if she drinks again, she probably will die.  This emergency could be a blessing in disguise.  You have to realize that you cannot babysit her 24 hours a day, nor can you expect your hubby to.  What about your job?  There are other options available to her:  Nursing home or a skilled nursing unit come to mind immediately.  She will need 24-hour care for awhile and Medicaid/Medicare pay for it.  While you are there, you should talk to her Attending Physician (ask the nursing station for his name and to alert you when he is coming in) or the Resident who is seeing her.  Let them know that she cannot be released to her home, even with a visiting nurse, because of the alcoholism issue.  I'm sure they are aware what caused the ulcer.  Please think about this alternative.

Big hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


worriedgirl
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Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/16/2009 1:14 PM (GMT -7)   
we have decided together it is not worth bringing her into the home for fear of her going awry. i am gonna take care of her the next few days and my cousin is gonna do the nights. i will be going back to my full schedule next week. she will refuse any other arrangement and i cant prove she is drinking. according to my cousin she hasnt touched a drop at her house, and the friend she was supposidly hanging out with was not who she was really hanging out with just someone my mom told my cousin, idk why prolly cause my cousin dont like her for some reason(prolly cause my mom lent her some foodstamps). the friend she has been around says she hasnt done any drinking and i have no reason to think this woman drinks, but i may be fooling myself. i hope i am doing the right thing but i am gonna ask her doctor some questions to see if he can tell me what caused this ulcer. my mom had ulcers as a young adult but none that perferated like this. i will not care for her more than a couple days and not at night as i will be home with my family. yesterday and today are hard enough being away from family. i am torn from going to stay with my mom, (she is still somewhat dilusional and claims in her agitated state that she has been having dreams about not making it out of this alive), and staying home with kid and hubby. i feel my place is with both of them.
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 11/16/2009 1:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Worried, I am glad you rethought how care should be handled.  I still think that a SNU or NH would be best for her right now, but if she would put up a fight then it would be useless.  So I hope that your current plan works out.  There is no doubt that she aggravated the ulcers she had when younger by her drinking as an adult.
 
Please keep us updated.
 
Hugs,
Connie
hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


jft
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 11/16/2009 4:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear worried.
I'm 3 victims in this situation. Your mother, you and your family.
Your sister is indeed indifferent, you write.
As you say, you know not whether your mother continues to drink or not. You must know if she does, talk to the doctor if he can tell anything. There are indications that she does not drink.
If she does not drink, I think you should talk to your husband and getting her home to you, but I would consider some help to look after her. You schould not do that for your mother, but for you and your family. You must all continue to have a life.
If she still drinks, you have a problem, but here your sister and possibly more family must come together to solve the problem. You must not take that responsibility alone.
You know my attitude to the problem and I do not envy you this difficult situation, but remember if she drinks, so you could are destroy your family by taking her home.
I know it's hard, but with help from your husbund you will find a solution,  you and he can live with.
Good luck, I know you will find the prober way to do it.
Regards from Denmark
 
Whats under the sky is natural.
Whats over...................is flying.


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 11/17/2009 1:41 AM (GMT -7)   
is she drinking, is she not? that question drives you daft probably more than the health issues although they are extremely bad. When a person drinks to excess,you get all the lies and deceit that comes with it, as well as the physical effects on that person. Trust has been taken away, without trust you will find it hard to take your mum back into the home and give her the care she needs.
I think Connie is right, you cannot babysit her, you need to live your life , your family deserve a worry free live especially if they have been through it all before. the truth is you do not know how long your mum has left,i used to think i would do anything put up with anything (maybe protest through an argument that got me nowhere), because i always felt that this might be her last time in hospital, she might be gone tomorrow. But i think i have realised, that my mum is a lot stronger than i think, she has been tohell and back but she still drinks heavily and she is still here, 2years later. so who knows. your family and husband alsoneed you right now, dont make the mistake by being too absorbed in your mums life, because children grow fast, they are important too.
you say your cousin says she has not touched a drop, but youknow the signs you know what to look out for, alcoholics can be very good at disg uising what they do and can hide it very well. Can you speak to her doctor, if so talk about your options. you have to be strong for your mums sake, I am sure you still will be able togethelptocare for your mum, allowing her to stay in her own house,and you to continue your own life.
my mum has a partner who lives with her, i have been asked many times what would i do if he was not there? she would not be fit to stay herself, but i know i could not have her at my home. i could not cope, i would not sacrifice my kids or husband. i know I might have that to deal with in the future and to be honest i am glad i do not have to deal with it now. i would not want to put my mum in a nursing home, but i know i might have to. although you have a sister, you sound as if it is left to you, is it?

worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/17/2009 5:51 AM (GMT -7)   

it is up to me. she is still out of it. yesterday she was asking where her mom was(she has been dead 7 years) and says she afraid she not coming out of this. she is delusional and didnt even recognize my sister. she keeps asking for a drink but she is not allowed. they have to keep her on ativan to keep her from being agitated and she keeps crying and trying to grab at the tube in her nose but has no understanding of what she is doing. the nurse says it anesthesia but that was givin to her monday night. if she is still is like this today they are doing a CAT scan of her brain.

my hubby says unless something drastic changes i have to be home by 7 or sooner to spend time with kid and hubby and that is my plan. i am really scared that she is dying. i know she doesnt have much time left.


The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/17/2009 5:53 AM (GMT -7)   
oh and i have not seen her doctor once and keep asking to speak with him but still no such luck. today i am insisting on speaking with him
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 11/17/2009 6:06 AM (GMT -7)   
your mum is recovering from a big operation, even a healthy person would find it hard to recover right away. remember, your mums immune system will be very low, she will take her own time to get through this.
on visiting my own mum in hospital, many times she was crying, scared etc, she would be convinced every nurse was out to get her, they would have to give her something and she would calmdown. the first time it happened, ipanicked thinking this is it, she aint going to gat any better, she would make no sense at all and would be very confused. at times i thought, that the drugs made her that way, but the doctors said no. my mum would also pull out tubes, pack her bags she even pulled out her own catheter. so nothing surpises me.
be with her when you can, she might surpise you. try and not worry about the future too much,take one day at a time.
she might look very bad, but it is true that even one day can make a difference.

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 11/17/2009 9:21 AM (GMT -7)   

WG, the doctors come in very early, generally around 6 AM, but can be earlier.  Go to the nursing station and ask them when her doctor usually arrives and ask them to note that you need to speak with him.

It seems that your hubby is losing patience with the amount of time you are spending at the hospital.  He and your child really have to take priority.  The hospital will call you if things suddenly get worse.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/17/2009 10:04 AM (GMT -7)   
I just signed a dnr she can last a week to 3 months but I don't look for her to last that long. She is gonna need 24 hour care
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 11/17/2009 12:22 PM (GMT -7)   

WG, I'm sorry to hear that.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/17/2009 12:57 PM (GMT -7)   
They said weeks weeks to three months but my uncle is giving my sister false hopes
e
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 11/17/2009 1:23 PM (GMT -7)   
i am sorry that things are not looking good for your mum, that was not the news i was expecting, but it certainly proves that each person is different. all you can do is be there for your mum when you can. i know its not an easy thing to go through, as i have just lost my gran.
the doctors should advise you what help is available, again don't forget about looking after yourself, although that is probably the last thing on your mind.
Anytime you wish to talk, i am here.

worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/17/2009 4:22 PM (GMT -7)   
well she is now being transferred from circleville to columbus where her liver doctor is by my request. everyone is getting false hopes and hearing things that doctors are not saying and it is making me angry. i know what they are thinking to, that i have given up on my mom but i am not i just know that this is her end. i have felt that s omething was gonna happen for months and here it is. i have had a feeling since my father in law died that she was walking short on life and that she wouldnt last another six months and i am feeling it now still. i feel that i am gonna get a call soon that she is gone while i am in bed. she has copd(just diagnosed), hep c, cirrhosis, and peritonitis(infection from the perforated ulcer) and the doctor said that it is probably gonna kill her. Her lungs are damaged, her amonia is high, and her liver enzymes are bad, real bad.

she is now asking for her mom and her dad and i have to keep telling her that they are in heaven and then watch her cry for a second then she goes to sleep. she recognizes me but i feel like she is looking through me, she didnt recognize my sister or my uncle today or last night. i had to argue with my sis but after talking with the doctor she also signed the DNRCC but i didnt think she would which meant i would have to get a attorney. i am gonna get dual durable power of atttorney, and get her into a home cause i heard that medicaid/medicare will be pushed t hrough fast and maybe social security but i think when they say it is time i am gonna bring her home to die but we will see. first i will have to get dual power of attorney first so that i can make sure that my mom is getting what she is wanting cause i know my sister wont do it.

i dont feel like i am giving up just because i know she is dying i feel i am being prepared. maybe that makes me a horrible daughter but it is why i am her caretaker. my uncle and my sister want to lie to my mom when she asks about her parents but i will not lie about it as i feel it is gonna do more damage. my uncle is also telling my mom she is gonna be out in a week and that is a lie. last night she went from not being on oxygen to this morning needing 90% oxygen and even on 50% oxygen her co2 is not where they want it to be. she is getting worse and everyone wants to deny it and it is gonna make my life hell.

i know in my heart that this is the end and i want her to be as comfortable as possible. i have a feeling they are gonna ask about a feeding tube and i will not put one in her. i will refuse that.
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 11/17/2009 4:54 PM (GMT -7)   

WG, the peritonitis is really the worst of her problems.  Due to malnutrition and her other ailments, her immune system may not be strong enough to fight it off along with the antibiotics.  Why do you want to move her? 

I think you are right to plan for the worst outcome.  That makes you a good daughter, not a bad one.  Our instincts are there to tell us things and you are listening to yours.  I had the same feeling about my aunt last Dec.  I wasn't even there to see her, but because she was barely able to talk when I called her in the NH and because of strong feelings I had that she wasn't going to last long, I flew to see her and say my goodbyes.  She died 2 days later of an infection.

One thing to look for is scant urine output that is dark in color.  That's an indication that her kidneys are shutting down, signifying that the end is near.

My thoughts and prayers are with you during this very difficult time.

Hugs,

Connie



hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 11/18/2009 1:30 AM (GMT -7)   

we all cope with things in different ways, just because your sister copes in another way does not mean she is wrong. you know your mum is not talking sense when she asks about her parents, it is ok to go along with that, when my gran used to talk of her son and parents,at first i told her she was confused and they had died, she would get herself so upset, then ask the same question again later, all that did was to upset her as she had to go through finding out about their death over and over again. so i went along with her and she was quite content in her own world, she was not right but that did not matter to me. I know itsnot the samesituation but similar. maybe that is what your sister is thinking. you are quite right to prepare yourself for the future, if that is how you best cope on you go. Try and not get too caught up in what others think, you sound as if the pressure is building up inside you, you need to release it. You have been very strong, you also have a good idea whats ahead for your mum, the knowledge about the disease helps us. I think I always felt if i was one step ahead, I would cope better. 

Have you spoken to your mum, does she know how bad the situation is, if so how is she feeling? She must be so scared, just like you. you might be able to ask her, what her wishes were, then the decision would be hers,not yours, it might take some of the pressure of you. You are certainly not a horrible daughter, quite the reverse you want the best for your mum.


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/18/2009 5:42 AM (GMT -7)   
my mom does not understand what is going on and you cant understand her. she is unable to make any decisions so i have to be her voice. she would not want to be on life support or intubated at all. she has told me that she doesnt want to go like her mom and her dad did. i just wish people would listen to me as i know her case better than anyone
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


jft
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 11/18/2009 9:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear WG.
I can see that you have become more settled, most of your own situation and thus also to your mother.
All others could look as though they are not really aware of their own role in the future, but it could also indicate that they have some bad conscience towards your mother.
The only thing I would ask you to consider is that you do not deprive your mother of the fundamental necessities, namely food and fluid. It could be that your fears do not materialize, it is seen prior to serious illness, recovers

Regards from Denmark
 
Whats under the sky is natural.
Whats over...................is flying.


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 11/18/2009 4:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Rick, you certainly are very good at putting your feelings into words, me I tend to write them down as I feel them, but often when i read them back, they sound jumbled up,but hopefully I get my point across.
WG, sorry for all the questions, you go ahead and be your mums voice, you know what she wants and get all the professional advice on her condition before you make any decisions.
You are being strong for your mum, and that is your coping mechanism.

Pink Grandma
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 2445
   Posted 11/18/2009 8:59 PM (GMT -7)   
(((((Worriedgirl)))), Hang in there sweetie. I went through something so strickling familiar with my brother who passed away in July.
Because I had the knowledge of his medical condition and understood exactly what the doctors were saying, it gave me an edge on my other brothers and sisters. They were grasping at straws thinking and hoping for a different turn out. Like you I got frustrated. They didn't want to listen to their little sister. 50+ years later I am still looked upon as the baby. But they knew in their heart of hearts that he wasn't going to pull through, they just didn't want to face it. Everyone has a different way of getting through a stressful time. Their way, is just different than your way.

Thoughts and prayers.............
Pink Grandma
Forum moderator-Hepatitis

When the going gets tough....the tough get going! Don't always know where I going but I get there anyways.


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/19/2009 4:06 AM (GMT -7)   
she is in a drug induced coma. last night was so stressful as my aunt(who we thought had merca or mercer) came up and we didnt know if it would be safe for her to see mom. i wanted to talk to her dr and there was already two visitors back there so i told her she couldnt go back there so she threatened me then when i went to get the nurse she pushed me into the wall and covered my mouth. she almost got us kicked out. it also took time away from seeing my mom as she is in the micu and they have little visiting hours. but moms nurse did give me ten more minute with her. i asked her nurse not to sugarcoat things for me and if my intuition was right and she said once patients were in there they rarely come out and that my moms liver is shot and that its very likelly she wont. she said even if she makes it through this blip she is dying. she also said that i seem to be handling it better than my sister.

they called and said they are lowering her sedation to see if she can breathe on her own. i just wish the drs would stop sugarcoating and tell my sis this so we can pull her off and let her pass without suffering.
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 11/19/2009 3:53 PM (GMT -7)   

jft, even we Americans have a hard time understanding Rick, but he's a great guy with a good heart--just an odd sense of humor.  smilewinkgrin

WG, it's MRSA:  Methicillin Resistent Staphylococcus Aureus.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

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