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worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/25/2009 1:24 PM (GMT -7)   
well i am coping ok by keeping myself busy and getting the funeral arrangements done. called old and new friends, got clothes and pics for the funeral  home and just kept busy. everyone keeps asking me if i am ok and if i have broke down yet, i dont know why they are, but i keep telling them no i havent im too busy to cry. if i break down right now the funeral wont plan itself. i know come friday at the funeral i am liable to cry but i dont have time for right now. i am not weak, i am not a baby i know i have to get mom taken care of before anything.
 
but it is hard to know i wont be able to call and talk anymore with her, no more birthdays or holidays with her alive. i just wish there was something i could have done to keep her here. is she proud of me? did i let her down? does she know that despite our fights i love her? i am kicking myself in the butt for not seeing her more. i know she would have loved it but i was to busy. god how can i let myself be to busy to spend more time with my mom.  it seems i took advantage of the time she was here and now it is gone. i am gonna miss her. i would even take her yelling at me to have her back. she was only 50 years old way to young to die.
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 11/25/2009 2:38 PM (GMT -7)   

WG, you hang in there.  You are stronger than you know.  Yes, 50 is very young to die.  But you have nothing to feel guilty about.  You gave a lot of yourself, despite how she treated you.  You have to remember that she did this to herself.  The anger will come at some point about that.  Dr. Kubler-Ross said that grief has 5 stages:  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  The first four don't always occur in that order, or you might go back and forth between them.  I think she should have included guilt, as well.  But you must experience them to get to acceptance.  Once the funeral is behind you, you can allow yourself to grieve.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 11/25/2009 4:00 PM (GMT -7)   
You are coping so well, better than you know.
yes you will have all these 'what ifs' you did what you could and did it well. your mum will be looking down on you full of pride. She also would have been carrying a lot of guilt of what she put you through.
we survive, because we have to there is nothing else for it. it will take a good bit of time for all this to sink in, especially the fact she died so young. i think you will go through all the motions, just try to take one day at a time.
crying is not a sign of weakness, you cannot help your emotions, do not make the mistake of bottling everything up.

77stevens
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 11/25/2009 11:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi WG,
I think everyone feels like you do when someone dies... I could've done more, I could have been there more often, I didn't always give my best... you may at some point find that these things are true, and hopefully you can accept that maybe at some point in your life you could have done something better than you did it... its called being human! No one has ever acted perfectly towards anyone, even the people we love the most.
That being said, its been my experience that guilt is not a bad thing to have, it gives us the push to do better, but the flip side is that there is only so much 'better' we can do. I have no problem telling myself I feel guilty for not spending enough time/energy/emotion/ on someone... there is ALWAYS something I could have done better, there is always a place in life I failed. I also have no problem forgiving myself for not doing my very best.

Who in the world could give 100% of themselves 100% of the time to the 100% of the people that need them?

Please forgive yourself for feelings of inadequacy, and please remember that we're all inadequate. It is part of grief to feel guilty, just don't forget that its part of healing from grief to forgive. Blessings and hugs

arneeb
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2350
   Posted 11/26/2009 12:08 AM (GMT -7)   
so well said all.... and I often wish I could just cry... but there is so much to do .... once in a while after or during a lab or doctor report... I have flashbacks to Mike's brother's death bed and anxiety and fear overwhelm me... the tears begin... the I pull back... and re-focus... on the here and now... but someday... there will be time for tears but now is not that time... and yes.... you will find that time if you need to...
recently a urologist... slipped and told Mike about the "spot" on his lung... and said some things that weren't accurate... and I knew them to not be accurate.... but Mike went into depression and anxiety... and I hate to admit it but I did also.. and the tears kept trying to take over... and finally got out of the tailspin... but it was tough.. my prayers are with you ... today and during this holiday season...

deedee48
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 148
   Posted 11/27/2009 6:55 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear worried girl, I just came on line I haven't been on in awhile, I read your post and I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. You seem to be in control I'm so proud of you. They say God only gives us as much as  we can handle, but some  people are stronger than others. I trully believe your mom is at peace and looking down at you with pride and much love.

Take care of your self. My deepest sympathy is with you,

DeeDee

 


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/27/2009 10:49 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks everyone. tonight is the night and im a little worried. i want everything to go smooth and peaceful. i am worried how im gonna handle tonight as i dont feel ready for this. i am not sleeping that well and know i wont unless i get a good cry in yet i dont seem to be able to. uggg
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 11/27/2009 2:43 PM (GMT -7)   

WG, the tears will come when you least expect it.  Like weddings, funerals are never "perfect."  I know it will be hard for you--the finality.  Find someone YOU can lean on for a change...and remember that God is always there, and so are we.

Big hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


Pink Grandma
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 2445
   Posted 11/27/2009 7:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Thinking of you tonight..........thoughts and prayers...........
Pink Grandma
Forum moderator-Hepatitis

When the going gets tough....the tough get going! Don't always know where I going but I get there anyways.


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 11/28/2009 9:20 AM (GMT -7)   
well the funeral went well, there was a big turnout. i did well til the end where i broke down. i didnt want to leave her there and make it so final. but she is no longer in pain and that is what i keep telling myself.

The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 11/28/2009 10:28 AM (GMT -7)   

WG, that is the thing to remember:  She is no longer in pain and is at peace.

God bless you.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


jft
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 11/29/2009 3:40 AM (GMT -7)   
 

Dear WG.
I am very sorry to hear the news of your mother. Now it is time for you and your family. Be sure to wear your grief openly, talk to everyone you trust, be sure to have cried and cried out. It helps, I didn’t do it my mother or father and it plagues me still.


Regards from Denmark
 
Whats under the sky is natural.
Whats over...................is flying.

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