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allie2631
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Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 12/2/2009 2:13 AM (GMT -7)   
It has been around 6 weeks since my grans funeral. Since then I have tried to take a back seat from my mum, only because there was a massive fight with her partner. There has been some peace in my life lately. I no longer have to worry about him criticising me, but yet again she has had another fall. I am going in to see her as she has to go in for an operation to repair a broken hip,i am frightened for her as she has been through a lot and I am not sure she is strong enough go through this. When she has been in before they have refused operations because it was too risky, but they want to put her through this. when I phoned her partner, again he swore he wanted nothing more to do with her as he was fed up with it all. I wont phone him again. \he refuses to face up to the fact that she is not safe in the house and repeatedly takes her back home. she is only out the hospital three weeks after falling and splitting her head and face open. I am next of kin but i am frightened of going against his wishes as he has been her partner for many years. \
So I am getting ready to go to hospital then into work. Is an operation dangerous for her???

worriedgirl
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Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 12/2/2009 12:00 PM (GMT -7)   
allie i dont know the answer, for anyone as sick as your mom i believe that yes a operation could be dangerous. my mom went into surgery for a perforated ulcer and then never came out of it but i believe my moms liver was already in the process of her liver failing so i dont blame the surgery. if it wasnt that it would have been something else. it is now time for you to say enough is enough and put your mom in a nursing home. he obviously dont have what it takes to do whats best for your mom and you do.
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


hep93
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Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 12/2/2009 12:29 PM (GMT -7)   

Allie, I agree with WG.  Since he is not her husband and you are her daughter, I suggest you see an attorney about getting Power of Attorney and Health Care Surrogacy.  The Surrogacy would put you in the position to make medical decisions for her.  You could also have access to all her medical records, get info from doctors, etc.

Any invasive procedure carries risks.  If there is a chronic health problem, it increases the risk.  However, I've had 5 hip surgeries (bilateral replacements and 3 revisions) since being diagnosed with hep C.  One of the revisions I had was with cancer.  Your mom will not be able to walk without horrendous pain if she has an unrepaired broken hip, and her risk of falling also increases...even if she hasn't been drinking.  So for these reasons, the hip repair is necessary.  Otherwise, she will be in pain and wheelchair bound.  Depending on the severity of the break, they may be replacing the femoral head.  Just make sure she has a really good orthopedic surgeon.  Ask what they will do for post-op pain relief.  It is a very painful surgery, but Mayo has new techniques for pain management that made the 2 revisions I had there much less painful than surgeries I had at Shands.  She should go to an inpatient rehab facility when the hospital is ready to discharge her.  They can make those arrangements.  She will need to learn to walk again and to regain strength and flexibility.  I'm still doing my PT exercises at home 4-5 x a week, 3 1/2 mos. after my last hip surgery.

If you have any questions, you can e-mail me.  I do have a lot of knowledge of hip surgery, having been through it so many times.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 12/3/2009 4:17 AM (GMT -7)   
operation delayed until today, apparantly they are going to do a full hip replacement.
she is as always tearfull, saying anything to make me think she is going to quit, but i know that will not last. she is refusing any kind of care I guess I will have to wait and see and review with doctors after the operation.
I am worried that she gets through it ok also I am worried about the future afterwards, I am trying to take one step at a time

allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 12/4/2009 1:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Connie, your email helped me a lot. It sounds very daunting the whole operationa and recovery. that is one thing, b ut the part about drinking is another matter. she will not stop.
doctors said yesterday she was not fit for surgery, i really thought that would be the case as her blood is low in platelets and doeas not clot so good. nurses told me before that not having the operation was not an option,but they are going to give her blood transfusions and test her blood again. so she is still lying there in pain. i will get to see her tonight. she has put herself through that much, i am so worried for her future.doctors say she might never be fit enough. does this mean they are frightened they cannot stop the bleeding or is it more than that?
although i now do not have my gran to worry over i feel i have to be careful. sorry i am going to sound really selfish here, but this was one of my worst nightmares. I cannot have her stay with me and i also cannot be there all the time, my family have went through enough in the past and i know i have to think of myself. i will be there for her if she needs me but i cannot be her carer. God i sound terrible,bad was going to happen i have warned her that something bad could happen to her. she could end up in a home at 62. i know she will refuse any care but i know i might have to be strong. have I got the strength, I do not know.
through her alcholism i have lost my mum. for the last ten years at least she has drank heavily, and it has ruined any kind of relationship. i still crave for the mother i had without the drink. my kids have lost their grandmother , if i thought she would stop drinking i would encourage her to sell her house to move near me,i could go in to see her a lot more, we could resalvage our relationship as she has nothing where she stays she has lost all her friends and maybe her partner. just got to take it one day at a time.

worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 12/4/2009 4:03 AM (GMT -7)   
allie you are strong enough i know you are. your posts prove that to me. yes they are worried with her platelets being so low that they will not be able to stop the bleeding as her clotting factor is low. they said the same thing with my mom on her second surgery right before she died and they had to give her plasma. i understand your feelings because i have felt the same with my mom. i strongly urge you to stand up and make her go into a home as it my help her sober up.
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 12/4/2009 12:11 PM (GMT -7)   

I agree with WG.  It is in her best interest to go to a nursing home.  If they DO operate, she will need to go to rehab for a couple of weeks, anyway.  It's a 3-5 hour surgery, so the clotting factor is very important.  But they also may feel that she won't comply with post-surgical instructions.  For example, she cannot bear full weight for 6 wks. or more.  Once she is back home and starts to drink, she may feel that she can walk or go out to get a bottle or whatever...and fall and undo what they've done.  OTOH, if they don't operate, she will be in unending pain and unable to walk at all.  It's a tough situation.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 12/4/2009 4:14 PM (GMT -7)   
she got her operation taday after receiving platelets. They said it went well enough but her wound was still weeping. still not had the chance to speak to her doctor.
Her partner is back on the scene, she thinks we have had a minor tiff, but it is much more than that. she was awake, still groggy, looked uncomfortable, wanted to get up and walk about. This aint going to be easy. She insists all is well at home and he will look after her as always. Here we go again. I will have to get a hold of the doctors to find out more information about her recovery. thanks everyone, i feel better now she has had the operation, but am really uncertain for her future.

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 12/4/2009 6:04 PM (GMT -7)   

Allie, they usually place a drain for a couple of days.  She also should have a catheter.  She CANNOT get out of bed and walk.  They will try to get her up tomorrow to sit in a chair and maybe to stand with the walker.  It is a slow process.  You do need to get ahold of the doctor and let him know her situation.

At any rate, I'm glad she got through surgery okay.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 12/4/2009 6:31 PM (GMT -7)   
i still say get her into a nursing home as it is her best way of recovering and sobering up. since they are not married he has no say so
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 12/4/2009 9:19 PM (GMT -7)   

WG, again I agree...but would say rehab and then NH.  Rehab will help her become as independent as possible and more mobile and steady on her feet to prevent falling.  Of course. by then she may not be eligible for a NH.

I think it's very important, Allie, to let the doctor know that the partner will try to snow him and tell him (and other medical staff) not to worry, that he will take care of your mom...but you know he can't handle it.  That's how she got in this predicament, along with the drinking problem.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 12/6/2009 4:30 AM (GMT -7)   
my mums blood pressure has dropped they are still giving her units of blood, think that is about 4 since the op. they seem quite happy with her progress. i have tried to talk to them regarding plans for my mum getting out. They seem very confused as to why I want an appointment with the doctor. I think they are just going to fix her up and send her out again. Her mood is now as it always is in the hospital, "she will be fine, they will manage", I know the routine.
I am feeling very low today. things have not been going well in my house. My daughter who is 13 1/2 is giving me a really hard time, I adopted her and its as if she is punishing me for me. anyway I dont mean to be boring you with my other problems. things are very bad at the moment, I dont have the strength to face my mum and her partner, If he walked I would do as Necessary, but I cant face any more fighting. I feel today that I want to go into a corner and hide away until everything is ok. I do not feel very good about myself as a mother or daughter......

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 12/6/2009 12:44 PM (GMT -7)   

Allie, please don't take others' failings upon yourself.  I know you have done everything you can for your mom.  You have nothing to feel guilty about.  And teenagers--well, you do almost wish you could sleep through until they get grown. 

Surgeons usually do surgery in the morning and have office visits in the afternoon.  If you can't catch him at the hospital, perhaps you can set up a meeting at his office.  But it's up to you if you want to pursue this.  I can well understand how you are sick of the whole business.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 12/8/2009 1:56 AM (GMT -7)   
went in to see my mum yesterday she was with her partner of 30 years and the occupational therapist.i could not believe it when i heard her. she was putting on this posh voice telling the therapist, she could manage, she had no problems with mobility as if everything was ok. the therapist was talking to her as if she had no other problems. it all got a bit much for me and i had to run out as i was so upset, the nurses were so nice..this time i am not going to interfere, i told my mum what i thought that they are peoving time and time again that they cannot cope, she just got so uppity saying her detox was getting arranged as if that should make me happy. i do not know how i can continue to help her, so i am backing down. she already got into big trouble yesterday for standing up and trying to walk herself. the therapistwas going through the list of dos and donts, but she will forget. i wish i could walk away and not look back. i am stuck and it is driving me mad.
they are pleased with her progress but apperently it was a half hip replacement she got.

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 12/8/2009 1:10 PM (GMT -7)   

Allie, that means they replaced the femoral head, but not part of the femur.  Nevertheless, she will have mobility problems for awhile.  Do they have her walking with a walker yet?  I don't blame you for stepping back.  You have to take care of yourself and your family first and foremost.  She is putting on a show because she wants to get the heck out of there.  A smart and experienced physical therapist will be able to detect the disconnect between what she says and what she is capable of.  What did your mom mean by "her detox was being arranged?"  Is she going to a detox facility or being put on medication or what?

We all have our limits and you may have reached yours.  Unfortunately, not everyone wants to be helped.

Big hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 12/9/2009 1:59 AM (GMT -7)   
She has been walking with a high frame zimmer. She is trying to do too much and not follow advice. I saw her again yesterday, she looked well considering everything that she has been going through. I am not enjoying visiting, I don'tknow where it is going to go when she gets out, its not like a normal daughter visiting her mum in hospital. I do not wish her any harm, I do love her, but I don't know what is going to happen next. How can I help her at home when communication has been lost with her partner. as a daughter, i feel i should be warm with her, feel compassion for her, making sure she has everything she needs, but it is quite the opposite you have to be there to understand.
she spoke about the addiction people being in touch they talked to her about a possibility of going in for detox, she said she might be interested next day she was drunk ended up in hospital. I dont know if this is another " i am going to stop, watch me" scenario just to get people off her back. Not that I go on about her drinking, I don't but I don't pretend she does not drink. I think the hospital must know how she isbut they are just getting her stabilised and putting her out. Very much the revolving door system you talked about before.
Things have eased up in the house, my daughter is backing down a little, she has got so much hurt in that tiny body of hers i wish i could take it away. I am trying to concentrate a wee bit more on her as she really needs me right now as she is finding it so hard to deal with the adoption issues, its a wee shame.

Imjustpeachy
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 12/9/2009 4:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Allie - I am sorry you are having a tough time right now.  I cannot begin to tell you what to do.  I am glad your daughter is backing down a bit.  It is hard being a 13 year old and hard being a mom to a 13 year old.  You have 2 people you love very much and feel responsible for and no one is cooperating!!  I know you are doing it out of love and for their benefit but it seems they don't or can't appreciate it right now.   You have to take care of yourself mentally and physically.  Read, pray, talk, shop, eat chocolate, get your nails done or do SOMETHING for yourself.  Just one little thing for you to help you regroup, energize.   Take your mind off of the situation for a minute to give yourself a break and then you can come back to it and maybe have a better idea of what to do.  Maybe you won't be able to do anything but sometimes that is all you can do. 
 
I hear all the love you have for your mom so I know you are not a "bad" daughter.  I have lived with an alcoholic parent and husband in my life and I know that can make you doubt yourself and your worth. 
 
anyway- I didn't say all this very well.  It is hard to put into words sometimes.
 
Do take care of yourself.
 
Hugs,
cheryl

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 12/9/2009 3:54 PM (GMT -7)   
"I dont know if this is another " i am going to stop, watch me" scenario just to get people off her back."
 
I would say this is probably the case, given her history.  Due to personal experience, I don't have to be there to understand exactly what you are saying.
 
The Zimmer frame is what we call a walker over here. 
 
Does your daughter have a diary?  Perhaps if she can write her feelings down, it may help her to get them out without being hurtful to others.
 
Big hugs,
Connie
hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted Yesterday 1:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Chocolate and some me time the perfect combination. My head has been so fuzzy lately, you really have to step back to see clearly.
 
i tried a diary a few years ago, but it did not work, maybe now she is older it might be a better idea,
 
THANKS.....
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