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allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 2/12/2010 4:15 PM (GMT -7)   
my mum finally got out hosp, after approx 10 weeks. her hip has healed upgreat she has had the strongest antibiotics to help her with the mrsa, she is now clear. i am a liitle annoyed the consultant said that he would phone me before she was getting on to goover allher health problems, but he did not phone. i now feel a littlle out of it as she is home now and there is still bad feelings between her partner and myself and husband. I do not believe he can cope with her, he has not in the past, but i did promise my mum i would be straight with her. her health isvery poor, she is very tired most of the time, she nods on and off during the day and even going upstairs exhausts her,i am afraid this is the way it is going to be. she says this time she is not going to drink, she says she might if she goes somewhere special she is still in denial over her addiction so i do not know how long she will manage. her partner says he will only have her home if she stops drinking, i do not know if she is biding her time or what so i will just have to wait and see.i feel a little lost now, i have been thinking about my wee gran particularly when i read the thread about the kidney failuire and what that family are going through.it brought it all back, how i searched the internet to give me signs that she wasdying, how i posted looking for advice which was always given and how even though i knew it was coming it was a shock when it did happen. imissher so much as she was thel ink between me and my mum. i cannot bear to watch for any more signs and go down the same road with my mum so soon after. the hospital cannot do any more for her, so they say. we think she might have had another small stroke as her speech is thick and she has lost power in her left arm again, which was affected the last time. so i am back to phoning her every day and hoping for some improvement. thanks for listening

worriedgirl
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Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 2/12/2010 4:22 PM (GMT -7)   
it is a hard road isnt allie. i know all to well the pain you are going through. i wish i could say something to magically make you feel better and help but there isnt. you will miss your grandma for awhile but it will get easier. sadly your mom may go down the same path again and i am afraid this time may be the last straw, from your posts she is getting worse. i hope all goes well and if you need to talk just let me know
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 2/12/2010 4:32 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks worried girl, i think since losing my gran so much has happened with my mum that i feel i have not really moarned her if that makes sense. you have just lost your mum and those feelings are raw,it hit home hard when you wrote about her cause i know in my heart what lies ahead. you are still here so strong for everyone else you are a credit to your mum.

hep93
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Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 2/12/2010 4:34 PM (GMT -7)   

Allie, it is natural to be weak after having been mostly confined to bed for weeks.  Your mum needs to continue whatever exercises they gave her in the hospital for her hip and to walk, even if it's with a walker or cane.  Since she says she "may" drink if she "goes someplace special" means she's not done with drinking and is going to do so at the first opportunity.

I'm really sorry that you are in this situation.  Just remember to put yourself, your life and your own family first.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 2/12/2010 4:44 PM (GMT -7)   
i learned so much from the disease and what my mom went through that i want to help. besides people  here helped me and i just want to repay the favor. i hope me writing about her didnt upset you that much, but i felt that if i can help someone then i needed to post it. for the children of alcoholics and who knows maybe a alcoholic will read the story and see what they put their families through and get help. it is hard to mourn the loss of a loved one when you are worried about another one. have you thought of laying the law down to your mom. tell her if she starts drinking again you will be done with her? problem is if you do that you need to stick to it.
allie2631 said...
thanks worried girl, i think since losing my gran so much has happened with my mum that i feel i have not really moarned her if that makes sense. you have just lost your mum and those feelings are raw,it hit home hard when you wrote about her cause i know in my heart what lies ahead. you are still here so strong for everyone else you are a credit to your mum.

The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 2/12/2010 4:46 PM (GMT -7)   
I agree with you connie about her drinking.i feel she is just playing along with what others wantto keep them happy. what she does not realise is that we can see through that.
she has a stick and a walker. she refuses to use them. she has agreed to IRIS which is a temp caring team i think they are to come twice in the week. she does not listen to what she has been told, when i went in the other day she was exhausted as she tried to shower herself, she had to climb in and out of the bath to do this. when i explained to her how dangerous that was she said "you know me always wanting to do things quicker" she bends down and crosses her legs, no use in going on at her as she does not listen she knows best.its like fighting a losing battle so in the end you stop the fighting cause it is not worth it i only end up upsetting myself. she is already reducing her lactolose intake as she hates running to the toilet...all i can do is try and make the most of things when she is out because in no time she will be back in again for something else. it really is so sad
worried girl you certainly did not upset me by writing about your mum maybe one day i will write my mums story. people here have been so kind and helpful i tried alanon a few times but i really could not commit the time. it was such a shock when you were writing posting about her when she was in the hospital i really thought the same would happen with your mum that did with mine, that she would pull through and maybe end up back in again with something else. when she passed away it made me realise how much my mum is living on borrowed time. i really did feel for you,  i think when you help others here you are really helping yourself at the same time. sometimes i read my posts back and i think i must be stronger that i thought. i had sole resposibility for my wee gran,i was the only family member who visited her, i made the decision about her going intocare, we went around  looking for the bestplace, i looked after all her needs and respected her wishes when she stopped eating and taking her meds.i felt i was there every step of the way with her, it tookher six weeks to pass she was a lot stronger than i thought. i was glad to be there when she died because i did not want her to be alone, but i do miss her so....

Post Edited (allie2631) : 2/12/2010 5:03:14 PM (GMT-7)


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 2/13/2010 4:11 PM (GMT -7)   

Allie, she is likely to slip and fall getting in and out of the tub, and will break her pelvis or knock the hip loose, both of which will land her back in the hospital for more surgery and she may never walk again.  If she wants to take that chance, there's nothing you can do.  I hope the people that are coming in will be very honest with her.

You were very strong and loving in taking care of your gran.  I know you miss her, but you certainly did right by her.  Your mom is a different animal entirely.  WG, threatening her is not going to make a bit of difference.  It won't even phase her, as she still has her live-in partner there.

Allie, you've done and are doing your best.  She's just not willing to cooperate.

Hugs,

Connie



hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Post Edited (hep93) : 2/14/2010 12:06:06 PM (GMT-7)


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 2/14/2010 12:54 AM (GMT -7)   
i didnt think it would but i was hoping for allie sake i guess. i know what she is going thru as i have been there and it pains me
hep93 said...

Allie, she is either likely to slip and fall getting in and out of the tub, and will break her pelvis or knock the hip loose, both of which will land her back in the hospital for more surgery and she may never walk again.  If she wants to take that chance, there's nothing you can do.  I hope the people that are coming in will be very honest with her.

You were very strong and loving in taking care of your gran.  I know you miss her, but you certainly did right by her.  Your mom is a different animal entirely.  WG, threatening her is not going to make a bit of difference.  It won't even phase her, as she still has her live-in partner there.

Allie, you've done and are doing your best.  She's just not willing to cooperate.

Hugs,

Connie



The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 2/26/2010 3:13 PM (GMT -7)   
my mum has been out the hospital three weeks. In this time i have managed to take a deep breath and get ready for what lies ahead. this is the only time i feel i get to rest and take my thoughts away from my mum her ailments her drinking and concentrate a little on myself. I have started to go for professional councilling (well i have been once) to help my daughter come terms about her adoption and her attachment issues. the thing is I was the one they said i was the one needing councilling that the issues with her could wait a little , they thought that i have too much going on dealing with my mum and my grans recent death to start helping my daughter, so i have to go to see them next week. after hearing that my daughter was really nice to me...for a day ...but now my mum who can barely walk is lying drunk again in her bed and the whole thing is going to start over again. no alcohol for about 14 weeks, the detox alcohol councilling say they cannot help her as she does not want help and we all know its got to be them that wants to.only this time i am not sure i am able to go through it all again but i do not know if i can walk away..nightmare all over again

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 2/26/2010 4:03 PM (GMT -7)   

Allie, I'm really sorry, though I'm not at all surprised.  She just was in so much denial and wasn't willing.  I'm surprised she stayed sober as long as she did.  cry   You need to concentrate on yourself and your family.  I am glad to hear you've started counseling.  It may seem unfair when it is others that have the problems, but you have too much on you to be of help--and your mom doesn't want it or appreciate it.  You need to learn how to cope and how not to get sucked into all the drama.

Big hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 2/27/2010 1:37 AM (GMT -7)   

yes, you got it right,i do need to learn to cope, this time i am really going to try that. i have had so much drama these last couple of years.

i knew in my heart that my mum was stillvery much in denial. i am afraid there is no hope for her. thank you for your comment.


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 2/28/2010 4:43 PM (GMT -7)   
excellent idea!!!!!!!!!
timeless said...
Hey Allie , So Sorry mum isn't trying . I have a unprofessional form of therapy that may work for you . Get a sheet of paper and write in big letters " Mentally gone fishin " and attach it to your front door , Unplug or shut off any form of communication , Grab a bag and stuff it with clothes and necessities for 2 days , Get cash from the bank or mattress , Drag ya husband with you and fill up the car tank , Put both bare feet on the dash and aim for the countryside , Drive till the gas runs out or you find a cabin , 2 days of solitude and a warm fireplace ( Oh yeah and tell your husband to tickle you till you cry if you mention any worries ) . Rick


The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 3/1/2010 1:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Rick you must have been reading my mind. That is exactly what i decided to do, i went away last minute on sat night, got my daughter watched, took my dog to a dog sitter, did not tell my son until the last minute(he is 20 just would have all his friends around) and we went away. I wassupposed to call my mum before i went, but did not want to upset myself more. so I didnt. Yesterday morning i called her angry partner had been trying to get a hold of me (even though my mobile no is on my answerphone), my mum is back in hospital took a bad seizuire. I went up to see her, there she was sitting up in bed taking her dinner, she admitted she had been drinking oh well just a slip for the one day (two days i know about). I could not sit down and talk as if nothing was wrong,i did not want to argue with her just told her I do not know if i can go through all this again, i told her i loved her did not know when i would be up next, i would phone and check up on her but good luck. I wish i could be strong enough to stay away, but i dont think i am. she does not see what the big deal is as she is still in denial of course. I dont want to listen to doctors, nurses, physios telling me what tests they did and nothing changes. so here i am once again, trying to get my mind clear.
But Rick, I am so glad i got that wee break, i have told you before you have a habit of saying the right thing at the right time.
Worried Girl just read your post and thought I just did that, I went away as me Not mum or daughter just me and for a few short hours we could forget all the stress in our lives and it felt good.

deedee48
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 148
   Posted 3/1/2010 10:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Allie, I'm sorry about your mom but a wise person told me that I can't change my hubby only he can. I was told I can only change myself and my behavior and reactions to him and that I was so use to chaos and it was a hard habit to break but I can
change and I have the courage to do so. I wish for you to have the courage to do what you feel is best for you. Good luck to you and your mom.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all,
 
Dee Dee

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 3/1/2010 12:45 PM (GMT -7)   

Allie, I'm glad you were able to get away for a little while.  Read my latest post to NCborn and bred. Your situations are so similar.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 3/3/2010 2:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Sometimes i feel like a outsider looking in on my mums illness. I am not her caregiver, she would have never allowed that.Her partner is the one who cares for her at home, sees to her needs, gets her meds, picks her up when she falls down. Me sometimes i feel like nothing. I am her daughter, she does not want me involved much in her life, they say they can manage. I offer to help go shopping, clean, help her sort out her finances, take her out the answer is always the same no. once i did do somethhing for her, when i came back in the next time i was told, that they have managed themselves so far they can carry on doing that. I am sorry if i have confused anyone. it has been that long when we had any kind of relationship, when my gran took poorly about 4 years ago, i took over there made sure carere were coming in, being there for her if she needed me for anything, but all i can remember is my gran being upset at the state of my mum back then. all i can remember is my mum neglecting and arguing with her, i was there to pick up the peices. i would have my gran to stay out beside me when she was poorly but not my mum. as time went on , my mum refuses to help my gran and decided she was to go in a home.she did not really bother where, i prepared my gran, as my mum was in and out the hospital at times. my self and my husband vetted the homes discussed with my gran before making any decisions. at this time i was running between hospitals visits trying to fit both in. i think my priority at the time was my wee gran. she was scared, unhappy and i was desperate for this to change. i wanted nothing better than my mum to take more of an interest and be there for her. well you know the rest my wee gran died last year whilst my mum was in hospital.her partner despised the time i spent with my gran and said that time should have been spent with my mum.
every time my mum goes into hospital i visit her,talk to doctors discuss what is happening with her. i have arranged help at home because he says he cant cope, they get it for a few days then tell them they can manage. I get a little input whilst she is in, but what i think does not matter. maybe i have no right to be going on about her when i am not even her caregiver. i am going to let her get on with it. nurses say yesterday it would take her partners co operation before we could get any doctor to assess her mind to see if she is fit. as long as he is willing to take her hope and believe that she will stay off the drink then they cant do nothing. he says he will take her out tomorrow if she wants. so my hands are tied. so it is like being a bystander looking in not being allowed to help. i think why is this affecting me so bad i am not the one that has to look after her. this time i have taken another step backwards for my own sanity. thanks for listening

worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 3/3/2010 8:04 AM (GMT -7)   
if she doesnt want your help then there is nothing more you can do. you cant let her make your life miserable as you have your own family. all it is doing is causing you heartache so it may be time for you to move on. if you stay i also understood as i stuck around but my mom wanted my help and wanted to live so our situations are slightly difference. i know about how it feels to be the outsider on a illness that is how it feels. take care of you and know you have someone here you can talk to.
allie2631 said...
Sometimes i feel like a outsider looking in on my mums illness. I am not her caregiver, she would have never allowed that.Her partner is the one who cares for her at home, sees to her needs, gets her meds, picks her up when she falls down. Me sometimes i feel like nothing. I am her daughter, she does not want me involved much in her life, they say they can manage. I offer to help go shopping, clean, help her sort out her finances, take her out the answer is always the same no. once i did do somethhing for her, when i came back in the next time i was told, that they have managed themselves so far they can carry on doing that. I am sorry if i have confused anyone. it has been that long when we had any kind of relationship, when my gran took poorly about 4 years ago, i took over there made sure carere were coming in, being there for her if she needed me for anything, but all i can remember is my gran being upset at the state of my mum back then. all i can remember is my mum neglecting and arguing with her, i was there to pick up the peices. i would have my gran to stay out beside me when she was poorly but not my mum. as time went on , my mum refuses to help my gran and decided she was to go in a home.she did not really bother where, i prepared my gran, as my mum was in and out the hospital at times. my self and my husband vetted the homes discussed with my gran before making any decisions. at this time i was running between hospitals visits trying to fit both in. i think my priority at the time was my wee gran. she was scared, unhappy and i was desperate for this to change. i wanted nothing better than my mum to take more of an interest and be there for her. well you know the rest my wee gran died last year whilst my mum was in hospital.her partner despised the time i spent with my gran and said that time should have been spent with my mum.
every time my mum goes into hospital i visit her,talk to doctors discuss what is happening with her. i have arranged help at home because he says he cant cope, they get it for a few days then tell them they can manage. I get a little input whilst she is in, but what i think does not matter. maybe i have no right to be going on about her when i am not even her caregiver. i am going to let her get on with it. nurses say yesterday it would take her partners co operation before we could get any doctor to assess her mind to see if she is fit. as long as he is willing to take her hope and believe that she will stay off the drink then they cant do nothing. he says he will take her out tomorrow if she wants. so my hands are tied. so it is like being a bystander looking in not being allowed to help. i think why is this affecting me so bad i am not the one that has to look after her. this time i have taken another step backwards for my own sanity. thanks for listening

The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are

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