well i am home alone, kid is with her godfather for the night, hubby is at work. i was supposed to go out with my kid today but he decided to pick her up so now i am here cleaning and alone. i never thought i would be missing my mom as much as i do. i am not in grief anymore, i am at peace with her passing but i just cant stop thinking that i could been hanging out with her today. i miss her even though she put me through a lot of heartache as i was growing up and we were never extremely close. i miss all the opportunities we could have had. i miss the relationship i should have had with her. in some ways it is like there is a hole in my heart where she should be. then i think of why i couldnt have hung out with her that week before she was passed. i hope she knew how much i loved her, all that i did for her and what i wanted to do for her. there were days that i wasnt so nice to her and i regret those days. i wish i could have taken those days back.
it kills me how i read how some of the moms here are still continuing to drink, and what they are doing to their loved ones. one must think do they understand what they are doing? why are they suffering so much, why do they still continue to torture their bodies. i want to go up to each one and shake them and say wake up, dont you want to live dont you care that your loved ones are gonna be left hurting and wondering what they did wrong.
sometimes i wonder if i could have helped my mom more, did i do enough? did i fight hard enough or did i give up. darn it i thought i was past this part but it comes back at me when i least expect it. i want to rewind time, get my mom sober sooner and give her a couple extra years. did she realize when she was drinking that her life was to end like this. i have no one really left in my family now that my mom is gone. i have my uncle and my sister and yet my sister is not available to hang out with or do anything but talk to. she thinks that i am moving on with my life without mom, i dont think she even knows that i am still missing her so much. she thinks that i am so strong but i dont know. at these moments i am not strong. i am wondering if i did all my power to fight for her. could i have had different outcome if i would have done things differently.
my cousin told me when my mom was in the hospital that everyone thought i had given up on my mom. did i give up on her? would she have made it if i would have thought more positively and hoped like my sister did. maybe i prayed wrong? instead of praying for my mom to be at peace maybe i should have prayed for her to make it. do you think my mom thinks i gave up on her that week? why am i thinking this? she has been gone since november i should be way past this. i have retreated. maybe i should put her picture away so i dont see it cause it seems to hit me when i look at it and her urn. maybe if i could stop getting this urge to call her and hang out. darn it why didnt i spend more time with her. i am a selfish person for not spending more time with her.
i guess i am living proof that the pain doesnt go completely away when you stop grieving that you never stop hurting. i just wish i could talk to her one more time. i would tell her i love her and that i miss her and that she is a wonderful person and that i want her back.
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are
"No one really dies because they have loved. Because they love they stay in the hearts of the people they have touched so in that their memory lives on." Ghost whisperer-i know corny but this touched me deep down and i see so much truth in it.