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worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 4/17/2010 11:22 AM (GMT -7)   
well i am home alone, kid is with her godfather for the night, hubby is at work. i was supposed to go out with my kid today but he decided to pick her up so now i am here cleaning and alone. i never thought i would be missing my mom as much as i do. i am not in grief anymore, i am at peace with her passing but i just cant stop thinking that i could been hanging out with her today.  i miss her even though she put me through a lot of heartache as i was growing up and we were never extremely close. i miss all the opportunities we could have had. i miss the relationship i should have had with her. in some ways it is like there is a hole in my heart where she should be. then i think of why i couldnt have hung out with her that week before she was passed. i hope she knew  how much i loved her, all that i did for  her and what i wanted to do for her. there were days that i wasnt so nice to her and i regret those days. i wish i could have taken those days back.
 
it kills me how i read how some of the moms here are still continuing to drink, and what they are doing to their loved ones. one must think do they understand what they are doing? why are they suffering so much, why do they still continue to torture their bodies. i want to go up to each one and shake them and say wake up, dont you want to live dont you care that your loved ones are gonna be left hurting and wondering what they did wrong.
 
sometimes  i wonder if i could have helped my mom more, did i do enough? did i fight hard enough or did i give up. darn it i thought i was past this part but it comes back at me when i least expect it. i want to rewind time, get my mom sober sooner and give her a couple extra years. did she realize when she was drinking that her life was to end like this. i have no one really left in my family now that my mom is gone. i have my uncle and my sister and yet my sister is not available to hang out with or do anything but talk to. she thinks that i am moving on with my life without mom, i dont think she even knows that i am still missing her so much. she thinks that i am so strong but i dont know. at these moments i am not strong. i am wondering if i did all my power to fight for her. could i have had different  outcome if i would have done things differently.
 
my cousin told me when my mom was in the  hospital that everyone thought i had given up on my mom. did i give up on her? would she have made it if i would have thought more positively and hoped like my sister did. maybe i prayed wrong? instead of praying for my mom to be at peace maybe i should have prayed for her to make it. do you think my mom thinks i gave up on her that week? why am i thinking this? she has been gone since november i should be way past this. i have retreated. maybe i should put her picture away so i dont see it cause it seems to hit me when i look at it and her urn. maybe if i could stop getting this urge to call her and hang out. darn it why didnt i spend more time with her. i am a selfish person for not spending more time with her.
 
i guess i am living proof that the pain doesnt go completely away when you stop grieving that you never stop hurting. i just wish i could talk to her one more time. i would tell her i love her and that i miss her and that she is a wonderful person and that i want her back.
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are
 
"No one really dies because they have loved. Because they love they stay in the hearts of the people they have touched so in that their memory lives on." Ghost whisperer-i know corny but this touched me deep down and i see so much truth in it.


nc born and bred
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 155
   Posted 4/17/2010 11:44 AM (GMT -7)   
please dont torment yourself about what could of been or should of been... my mom isnt gone, but im just like you, i havent gave up, but i do pray daily for her not to suffer anymore i can tell by your post that you were a loving caring daughter that did the best you could with the situation.. and the pain does lessen but it never fully goes away. i know that from my dad who passed away 20 years ago.. i still miss him just as much every day... focus on the time that were good with your mom. i believe people passing away is Gods will,and in Gods hands. i will hold you in my thoughts and prayers..

worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 4/17/2010 11:51 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks nc i appreciate it. i have no idea why those feelings and thoughts came up. propbably cause im alone and bored and i looked over at her picture. i know she is still here with me in my heart but i just wish she could be with me personally.
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are
 
"No one really dies because they have loved. Because they love they stay in the hearts of the people they have touched so in that their memory lives on." Ghost whisperer-i know corny but this touched me deep down and i see so much truth in it.


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 4/17/2010 12:01 PM (GMT -7)   

WG, you are still grieving, whether you realize it or not.  As I've mentioned, I think what we children of alcoholics mourn the most is what never was and never will be...the relationships we wish we had had but were unable to because of the alcoholism.  Look at some of your old posts (do a search putting in your user name) and remind yourself of all the torment she caused to both you and herself.  I don't think you really want that back...you want it to be different.  And that is impossible.  I hope you will learn to be at peace, knowing you did all you could and that she is at peace now.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 4/17/2010 12:09 PM (GMT -7)   
yeah i do wish it could be different, and that is impossible. i do know that she could be different cause i seen the goodness in her and maybe that is what is the hardest is knowing that deep down there was a good person there but the alcohol changed her. you hit t he nail on the  head and i appreciate that. i like coming here because you guys know how it is,  you understand how i feel where no one else in my life does.
hep93 said...

WG, you are still grieving, whether you realize it or not.  As I've mentioned, I think what we children of alcoholics mourn the most is what never was and never will be...the relationships we wish we had had but were unable to because of the alcoholism.  Look at some of your old posts (do a search putting in your user name) and remind yourself of all the torment she caused to both you and herself.  I don't think you really want that back...you want it to be different.  And that is impossible.  I hope you will learn to be at peace, knowing you did all you could and that she is at peace now.

Hugs,

Connie



The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are
 
"No one really dies because they have loved. Because they love they stay in the hearts of the people they have touched so in that their memory lives on." Ghost whisperer-i know corny but this touched me deep down and i see so much truth in it.


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 4/18/2010 4:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Yes sometimes you do forget all the torment and grief that you have been through. We could go on and on in life with what ifs...life changing decisions, children the heartache and happiness they cause down to simple get on with life decisions. What you must try and not do is beat your self up. You did really well, better than most you were there when she needed you most. You will still be grieving for her and that pain might dull but will never go away. we all make mistakes in life, some more than others. I suppose that is life. Try and not get yourself down you have been through so much, now is the time to get on with your own life. I feel so much of my life has been taken over with rushing to hospital, being angry and frustrated that much everyone else gets it and you forget who you really are inside. my daughter has seen more homes and hospitals in her lifetime that a child her age should. ]Yes you will have times like this but remember you are strong you also have helped many others going through the same. Think about yourself for achange

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 4/18/2010 12:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Allie, you hit on a good point regarding caregivers and co-dependents:  They are so accustomed to filling their lives with the crises of the other person that they don't know quite what to do when that role is no longer there.  The same thing happens with partners and children of alcoholics:  If the person gets sober (or dies) the whole dynamic changes and it's a time of reassessing one's life without all that drama.
 
Hugs,
Connie
hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

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