Uncooperative Alcoholic father with ESLD

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

imalittleteapot
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 4/30/2010 11:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Does anyone have experience dealing with a loved one that is hellbent on self-destruction? My father is very ill with ESLD, he was admitted to hospital with severe ascites. He's on diuretic therapy but was barely home one day before he was drunk as a skunk. How long do u keep trying? when do you walk away from someone who fights you on every level and is totally in denial. I wouldn't wish his living conditions and quality of life on a dog,yet he wants any help on his terms. I'm pulling my hair out. I'm also totally alone on this. all family out of state?
Any advice?

nc born and bred
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 155
   Posted 4/30/2010 12:37 PM (GMT -7)   
hello, you have came to the right place for support and answers. my mom is an alcoholic diagnosed with liver and kidney failure. she too will not give up drinking. and i have quit trying to reason with her... she can barely walk, but stilll manages to turn up that glass of booze. as for helping them, i have learned from experience and from talking to people on here,thats a personal choice.. i started out on here so angry at my mom for all the h@## she has put her family through with her drunken binges,but now i feel absolute pity for her. she now knows that the drinking she has enjoyed so much will be the cause of her death... too little ,too late. my mom was a mean evil drunk, but she doesnt have the energy to do that anymore. people may tell you to walk away, but that is so much easier said than done. i have tried numerous times before she got so sick to just cut off all ties with her,but thats my mom. and thats your dad,so 1st and foremost and you will hear this many times on here, take care of yourself 1st. dont get too caught up in all of it. i know its hard,and you can read my story and others who know exactly what you are going through. i shall pray for you and your dad...

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 4/30/2010 12:49 PM (GMT -7)   

Imalittleteapot, welcome to the forum.  You can start by doing a search for alcoholic cirrhosis and reading some of the posts on here.  I also suggest you read the info in the folder at the top of the page, entitled Hepatitis Resources.  It will tell you what to expect with ESLD.  I will tell you, as a sober alcoholic (23 1/2 yrs. of continuous sobriety, thanks to AA), that there is not one thing you can do for your father if he is intent on drinking.  The doctors will not be able to help him, either.  I had a mother who was a lifelong alcoholic and I finally found it necessary to cut off all ties with her in order to maintain my own sanity.  She died alone in a hospital, but I have no regrets.  Perhaps the difference is that I only spent 6 yrs. of my life with her, and there was never a real emotional connection, especially on her part.  This is a decision you will have to make--when enough is enough.  NC is correct, though--you have to take care of yourself, first and foremost, regardless of your decision.  And don't get caught up in all the drama.  There are certainly many here who can relate to you and give you support and information.

Hugs,

Connie



hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Post Edited (hep93) : 4/30/2010 9:37:33 PM (GMT-6)


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 4/30/2010 1:35 PM (GMT -7)   
little teapot, how sad it makes me to hear of yet another person going through this hell. My mum also is an alcoholic and has spent the last three years in and out of hospital with jaundice, burst varices, encelepathy, c dif, mrsa ascites, seizuires, broken bone in spine, ankle more recently hip, strokes and many cuts to the head and face. She has been very ill we have nearly lost her in three different occasions but is she at her rock bottom no do not think she has one. Like Nc born and bred we have been through many bitter years full of arguments lots of time has been wasted for what ....to wait for the phone to ring and tell me whats happened next. My mum unlike a lot on this site has had many chances, you will find out reading the posts that liver disease can be so different for each person. Please do not get caught up in all the drama, your dad won't he has made his decision and his health suffers because of it, you are only hear on this earth once so dont let too many years go by wasted. listen to me ...if only I could take my own advice.......i spoke to my drunken mother tonight, who knows if she will make it through the night without falling or worse. Its not easy but yes you have to look after yourself

imalittleteapot
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 4/30/2010 4:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all for your input. Just a little background. I've actually been quite estranged from my dad for a number of years due in large part to the drinking. So we aren't exactly close. I've been in counseling and I've tried very hard to maintain healthy boundaries, to stay away from the "drama" as you put it. Because it is totally that, DRAMA. This isn't my first go around with drunks. My mom and brother both were severe hardcore alcoholics and drug addicts. Amazingly they are both sober now. Thank God. But seems too late for my Dad at this point. Its so terribly sad though as he is only 63 and from the neck down he looks and moves like he is 90. Because we were estranged I had no idea of his health problems. I would talk to him occasionally and he seemed strong enough. He had back surgery last fall (which i think has precipitated a big decline in his health) but he had insurance at that time and had physical therapists working with him and seemed on the mend. So it was a big shock when I got a call that he was at the hospital (at no point has cirrhosis ever been mentioned)and that he had been in hospital for ten days. He was telling the nurses he had no family. and then lying to me that Ohhh noooo he gave them my number, what was i talking about? He was released from the hospital on tuesday. Unsafe discharge. Hospital stated he needed a placement in an assisted living. However at this point he has no insurance and he is not 65 and is unable to work. He doesn't want to go to a nursing home, he wants to stay in his own apartment,blah blah blah. So we are kind of between a rock and a hard place. His "friends" have abandoned him because the situation is so demoralizing. He's unable or unwilling to even try to get up and use the restroom. So he's been urinating on himself on the couch and then sleeping in it. He has bedsores which I guess I'm going to have to change the bandage because if I don't who will? I"m sooooo angry and resentful about this situation. To be sick and have the choice to extend your life and choose instead to drive the nail into the coffin further just baffles me. But its truly so difficult to know someone is in such dire straits (and truly i don't think mentally he's all there, i requested a psych eval in hospital...that was a joke,so officially he's mentally fit and in control of his life)in their own filth, facing eviction and killing themselves with drink and walk away...Its so upsetting especially when you are a sensitive person that wouldn't like to see ANYONE in that circumstance, much less a family member. Thats my struggle. Knowing at some point I will more than likely have to walk away. and dealing with the churning internal feelings it brings up of helplessness and grief
Its good to know that there are other people that can empathize.
Thanks.
p.s. anyone have any experience with MELD scores?

Post Edited (imalittleteapot) : 4/30/2010 6:30:12 PM (GMT-6)


arneeb
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2350
   Posted 4/30/2010 6:14 PM (GMT -7)   
WOW littleteapot... u have such courage... so many issues.... I gave my partner an ultimatum last summer... I told him I was not going to sit and watch him destroy himself... he chose to be sober at that point... he had fallen down stairs four times... fallen into a window.. cut himself... well.. even getting sober didn't help... he died on the 22nd of April... the pst few months with him were the hardest things I've ever done... it was torment to him and I as we waited knowing... and there was no treatment.. everyone has to make those decisions... and there has to be options... a way to find services.. for him... Social Security.. possibly... my prayers and thoughts are with you... the administrators can help you with more... keep ur chin up... one day at a time...

imalittleteapot
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 4/30/2010 6:29 PM (GMT -7)   
N C born and bred, hep93,allie2631 and arneeb. thanks for sharing some of your story with me. I wish none of us had these tales to tell. Its nice to know though that one is not alone.

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 4/30/2010 7:47 PM (GMT -7)   

Teapot, get him some adult diapers and insist he use them.  He probably has hepatic encephalopathy, caused by high ammonia levels that accumulate in the brain and will affect his thinking.  Lactulose is the usual treatment for that, but then he would definitely need the diapers as there is diarrhea.

Hugs,

Connie



hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


shadowsghost
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 489
   Posted 4/30/2010 8:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Teapot, I wish I could give you the solution to this circumstance but none of us can. I can tell you to be careful and not get lost in the mess he has made of his life, it can drag you down. He made the mess not you, he made the choice not you. If you go to his home and he is incoherant you can call 911 and when he is at the hospital you can tell them he has been having severe mental status changes and has lost all his adl skills( personal care skills). then a social worker should get involved to get him help. Please take care of you first and foremost, I wish you the best.
Sue
When I started counting my blessings my whole world turned around.


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 4/30/2010 8:45 PM (GMT -7)   

Teapot, I just noticed in your original post that your dad is 63.  Since he is having financial problems, it might be best for him to go ahead and sign up for early Social Security.  At the same time, he could apply for SS Disability, although that might take awhile to come through.  If he needs help with the forms, you could do it or the SS people will help him.  If he applied now for early retirement benefits, he would get his first check in June.  Then, if the SSD finally went through, his current benefits would be increased to whatever he would have gotten at full retirement age.  He would have to wait 2 yrs. for Medicare, but could probably qualify financially for Medicaid if he takes regular SS early retirement.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 5/1/2010 12:14 AM (GMT -7)   
my muma also went through a stage when she was incontinent both ways, I got her referred to the incontinence clininc and we got all the bed pads, nappies etc. but that stage passed, so it makes me think that maybe the encelepathy was bad there. She also has had a couple of major bowel operations so she hates taking the lactulose, vicious circle. She gets occasions now when she is so drunk she cannot get up and wete herself where she is and sleeps. it is so sad because she used to be such a proud woman.
years ago we spent a lot of time apart because of her drinking, I think it was easier to stay away because then it was just the drink she had no other health problems, little did I know...

worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 5/1/2010 8:21 AM (GMT -7)   
i too know the difficulties you are going through. my mom was a alcoholic for years. she kept drinking and drinking and then one day she had to have gallbladder surgery and then she told me that she had hep c and cirrhosis of the liver. i think she knew for a while that she had it. at first i didnt help cause of the drinking but when she kept getting worse i found this site and asked questions and then started going to her doctor apptments and helped her out. she actually quit drinking but it was a little to late i guess. she got better after awhile but then she went into the hospital a week before thanksgiving for a perforated ulcer and then died three days before thanksgiving. it was a long hard road with lots of tears and fights but i dont regret it all. you have a hard choice to make and only you can make it. one is too accept the fact your dad is a alcoholic and help him and the other is to walk away. either choice you make will be the right one for you. do what your heart tells you to do. if you stay then know it will be hard and you will need support. i recommend this site, as people wont understand unless they are in the same shoes you are in, and also take time for yourself and keep healthy. keep records of his doctor visits and get a power of attorney so that you are able to make the decisions if he cant. that is soooooo important. if you walk away i wouldnt blame you either as there is nothing harder than watching a loved one kill themselves.
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are
 
"No one really dies because they have loved. Because they love they stay in the hearts of the people they have touched so in that their memory lives on." Ghost whisperer-i know corny but this touched me deep down and i see so much truth in it.


arneeb
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2350
   Posted 5/1/2010 10:08 AM (GMT -7)   
POwer of Attorney and Medical Directive... and a will... things you absolutely need to have... can't say it enough... I would have died if the family put their will over Mike's in the final arrangments...

mathman
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 5/1/2010 11:08 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm really sorry for all of you. A lot of times you have to hit rock bottom before you see the light, but sometimes that doesn't even help. Stay strong and do whatever you can.

sheduck
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 5/6/2010 11:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Teapot, you are definately not alone in this situation. My dad is 62, has hep c, cirrhosis, and also chooses to continue to drink! I really had a hard time dealing with this at first but have decided that this is the decision he has made and all I can do is be there for him and to do what I can for him while I still can. There are still days when I shed tears over it but I have to keep reminding myself that it is his decision and nothing we say or do can change it. I really feel he is in denial about it because right now he will tell you he does not have cirrhosis confused . So far he is continuing to make his dr visits and taking the medication being prescribed so I consider that a plus for now. I really feel in time that he will quit drinking but as we all know it will be way too late.

As for now all you can do is keep your chin up, do what you can while you can but most importantly make time for yourself!!


keeping you in my thoughts and prayers,

Shelia

allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 5/7/2010 2:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Little teapot, I do hope you are ok, just to say you are wlecome here, we have a lot in common if you want to vent go ahead....it will ease the pressure a bit..
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Saturday, December 10, 2016 12:02 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,735,767 posts in 301,329 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151433 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, teenujohn.
197 Guest(s), 5 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Georgia Hunter, msOuchie, holo100, joavila92, julymorning


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer