My father passed from Cirrhosis

How do you deal with the death of a loved one?
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Daddys Girl
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Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 5/31/2010 11:28 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm new here. Just trying to see if I can get some understanding.
My dad passed away Sept. 13, 2008. He was diagnosed with Cirrhosis I believe between 2001-2002. Over the years he could not let go of the drinking. I seen him go through everything. All the bad and the little good. It is the most horrible thing I have been through in my life. I seen him laying on the hospital bed eyes open non responsive bloated maxed out on his blood pressure meds along with everything else he was on. It was his first time ever being that bad. The nurse said it was up to myself and my little brother to decide what to do. In the end we decided if his heart stopped we would let him be and not ask for cpr. Well it happened. I guess my point here is.... I wonder if anybody has been that bad and came back to? I am 25 years old trying to deal with this. Its so hard and I cant seem to deal with it. I have so many what ifs and it kills me. I wonder if we did the right thing. My dad was not one to talk about his sickness. I just wonder if we couldve done more? I dont know how to manage my hurt, anger, saddness, guilt...
How do you heal from this?

arneeb
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2350
   Posted 6/1/2010 12:07 AM (GMT -7)   
I was just in this position with my partner Mike... read the No treatment thread... I don't think I would ever offer to be Power of Attorney or on the Medical Directive again for someone ... who I didn't hold the same values as... or maybe I just don't want that responsibility... but then who will?? I don't know... what I do know is that I live with the same issue... he signed a DNR... but the way it happened it was me that requested that that take the Oxygen Mask off because he wanted it off... and the doctor assured me that he was breathing on his own without it... he died within 3 to 5 minutes... and I can not get the image out of my mind.. nor can I deal with the same issues of guilt that you do... at least I had some kind of heads up before it all happened... and then there are the scavenger relatives... who even after I spent a lot of money sending things and making memorial dvds who are demanding other things.. without realizing.. that I feel so violated.. course this is the sister who is a raging alchoholic and called drunk complaining about what I did send... it was horrible... as what you are talking about.. I think that somehow you have to find peace... I know that Mike died the way he wanted to.. and he didn't have to go through all that you talked about... cuz his blood pressure crashed.. and it went very quickly... I have no answers... just prayers and thoughts for you to recieve peace... I know ... I loved Mike with all my heart... and there is a absolute emptiness... chasm ... where he was in my life... and every day is a chore to chose to live... and putting flowers on his grave did not help.. I also know that God will guide me and give me strength somehow... Sandi

There is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still... Corrie Ten Boom


Pink Grandma
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Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 2445
   Posted 6/1/2010 12:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello Daddy's little girl. So sorry for your loss. As with any death, most generally family or friends are left with guilt in some form or another. Please know that the only person responsible is the person who's not taking care of themselves and abusing their bodies with substances that are harmful to it. It wasn't you. It was your father's inability to stop his drinking.
My husband died because of it too. I was his sole caregiver and did everything in my power to get him to stop drinking sooner. Unfortunately he was a day late and a dime short. But the would haves and could haves nearly killed me.
I started out trying to keep myself busy. But I'd always have to come home to an empty house. Finally, after about 6 or 7 months of running myself ragged I decided to go to the hospice bereavement group. They had been hounding me to go but I kept saying I was okay. The 1st time I went. I panicked and ended up running out. The 2nd time I went. I told everyone that I didn't know why I was there that I was doing okay. The 3rd time I went, I finally broke down and balled like a baby. First time, anyone had seen me cry, except for at his funeral. I felt like a new person after I had finished the 6 weeks. I wasn't nuts.......I was just like everyone else in that room who had lost a loved one. They gave me the tools to deal with my grief in a constructive manner. Not the destructive way that I was trying to get through it.
There is no set time line......everyone's journey through grief has it's own twists and turns.
But I can tell you.....no matter how fast you dance..........you can not rush through it. It's been 3 years now. I am not the same broken person I was back then......I still grieve for him ....for his life that was cut way too short by alcohol. But I have went on with my life.
Take care......thoughts and prayers.......
Pink Grandma
Forum moderator-Hepatitis

When the going gets tough....the tough get going! Don't always know where I going but I get there anyways.


Daddys Girl
New Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 6/1/2010 12:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you. I've never known anybody else who has gone through the same that I have beside my little brother.
Each day is a challenge and I know I am hard on myself but I feel I could have done more.
I also went through the same. My dads side of the fam became cruel and said mean things to myself and my brother.
They did not agree with us cremating my dad but nobody really helped us pay for his services and all we did.
My biggest challenge everyday is trying to deal and trying to believe we did the right thing.

Daddys Girl
New Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 6/1/2010 12:29 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Pink grandma. I know youre right. And Ido get people thattell me to go see somebody. Iblock things out. I work alot I bearly have time left in my days. So staying busy keeps my mind off it. But i know when I do get time alone I think about it and break down. I tell myself and others Im ok but deep down inside I know I"m not. I just dont know where to begin.

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 6/1/2010 11:52 AM (GMT -7)   

Daddysgirl, please try to get some grief counseling through Hospice or another agency.  You really do need to talk about your feelings with those who have been there.  There really is nothing that would have changed the dire outcome with your father, since he chose to keep drinking.  There is nothing more that you could have done.  Please find comfort in knowing that he is at peace now.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 6/1/2010 3:06 PM (GMT -7)   

i also lost a parent due to hep c and cirrhosis, or i should say complications from it, and no there is nothing more you could have done. one day my mom seemed to be getting better,(although i could tell she was deteriorating), and acting healthy to the next day in the hospital with emergency surgery and then dying a week later. the time she died it was unexpected and i was shocked. i felt that there was more i could do but i was so preoccupied trying to follow her wishes(seeing that my sister wasnt ready for this) and then planning the funeral that i was in a state of shock and couldnt grieve. i still feel as if i could have done some more but that is getting easier and i am slowly seeing i have done all i can do.

 

just know your dad is still with you. I have a new saying and even though its in my signature im gonna say it again. "no one really dies for they have loved. because they have loved they live on in the hearts of everyone they have touched and therefor there memory lives on."


The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are
 
"No one really dies because they have loved. Because they love they stay in the hearts of the people they have touched so in that their memory lives on." Ghost whisperer-i know corny but this touched me deep down and i see so much truth in it.


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 6/1/2010 3:17 PM (GMT -7)   

It's good to see you here, WG.  I have been thinking about you recently and wondering how you are doing.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 6/1/2010 3:59 PM (GMT -7)   
i been good. just been busy with work and the kid and hubby. i still lurk around as long as you guys will have me
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are
 
"No one really dies because they have loved. Because they love they stay in the hearts of the people they have touched so in that their memory lives on." Ghost whisperer-i know corny but this touched me deep down and i see so much truth in it.


Pink Grandma
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 2445
   Posted 6/1/2010 5:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Worriedgirl, you know that you will always be welcome here.
One of the other things that got me through it was coming back here. It was therapeutic for me. My husband had died but I would be darned if his death would be in vain. When I joined I knew next to nothing of what I know now. We were just reacting to every new symptom. Hadn't a clue about all the things that a damaged liver affected. It was all the wonderful members on this forum who educated me. Along with a big dose of experience.

Thoughts and prayers...........
Pink Grandma
Forum moderator-Hepatitis

When the going gets tough....the tough get going! Don't always know where I going but I get there anyways.


Daddys Girl
New Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 6/1/2010 11:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Connie and worried girl I thank you. It seems as tho the few people I speak to about my dad tell me to go speak with a professional. It is something I am going to start looking into. I know the guilt and feelings I have wont go away but I know there can be a way to accept things and begin the grieving process. I think having to plan his funeral dealing with his fam having a new born with everything going on I dont think I ever had my time to process everything. I thought because my little brother and I went through this together it wouldnt have been so hard but it is. I think the way it all played out and what happened really gets to me. So I feel a lot of guilt for not being there for him to hear his last words and it got thrown in my face alot.

arneeb
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2350
   Posted 6/2/2010 2:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Being a "professional" myself... Master's level Counselor... I and having just gone through this with Mike... I find this forum to be what I need and probably more relevant to ESLD because these people either are living it or have been there... the wealth of knowledge and experience here is beyound what any one therapist can possibly know... however it can be a great supplement also... Sandi... I thank God for the day I found this Forum
There is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still... Corrie Ten Boom


lilitiger2
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 89
   Posted 6/2/2010 4:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi daddy's girl
How lucky your dad was to have had you! I am new to this board but not to grieving or to losing someone to some version of ESLD (my uncle and my ex). For many of us, there was the sense of "why didn't I....." or "I should have...." or something, because truly accepting that there really is nothing to do, other than just love them, is both scary and painful (for me). With my ex, several of us would have been thrilled to be live liver donors, made that clear, could have cared less how much time it bought him, or if he was using pain killers, or whatever. In the end, however, no one was contacted and he died alone, really awful.

However, after a long time of just agonizing over what i could or could not have done, I am at peace with his death. I am a psychologist but I did not go running to some hospice group or other grief group or therapist although some people like those things; i talked to him, and asked him to come to me so we could talk and he did. I used a fabulous book (i hope i can share the name, I have no financial interest in it at all, its called the grief recovery workbook) which helped me enormously. I talked with my friends a lot and they let me cry and question and swear and have temper tantrums and whatever. They were/are kind. They let me tell his story over and over. That is one thing I found probably the most helpful, when my friend walked over to my office and said, "tell me about him". I did and it felt wonderful.

The most important thing for me was not letting my well-meaning but grief-ignorant acquaintances get me down with things like "he's not suffering" or "he's in a better place" or whatever. Not that those things aren't true, but they for me were totally irrelevant (and lots of people, even professionals, really are very uncomfortable with death and want to "fix" you quickly so you'll stop talking about it). What WAS relevant was that I missed him. I had lots of unfinished business with him. I felt guilty. I was not done with him yet. The people who acknowledged my feelings about his death and didn't try to comfort me with trite little ditties were so helpful. Just total angels.

I found rituals very helpful. I prayed for him. I spoke of him in the sweat lodge. I wrote him a letter with the format "what I apologize for", "what I forgive you for" and other strong emotional statements. After a while (seemed like forever) I dreamed of him, talked to him, and that was wonderful. Really took care of a lot of stuff. I had been very angry with him for dying that way (not logical, just how I felt) and that totally cleared up.

And, this really is trite but for me anyway, has been true; time really does change things. I wouldn't say it heals all wounds but it does make things different.

Anyway, I am so sorry about your dad. Losing a parent is so hard no matter what the relationship was like. Hang in there on your journey.

Best wishes,
Lila

Daddys Girl
New Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 6/3/2010 8:29 PM (GMT -7)   
WoW Lilitiger2... You leave me speechless.
I think thoughout this whole time I'm just tring to find a way to deal with everything. I know in my head there is nothing I can do to change the past and I'm not one for what ifs or should have could have or would haves. Its jsut this particular situation just happens to be one. I try so hard not to live my life with regret and knowing that I cant do anything to change what I did or didn't do. I know I was good to my dad. I Loved him. I Love him. I just question if he knew that himself. When I left the hospital before he passed all he kept saying was "I' sorry" and "dont leave me".... I had to leave because I had a newborn and my son at home. The next week my dad was back in the hospital. I didn't know that was going to be his last time..... here... I didn't go that night to the hospital when I know i should have. I was at work because there was nobody else to cover my shift.... I didnt get to the hospital until about 2 and he was already incoherrent. If I would have went the night before I would have had the chance to talk to him. It eats me up everyday.
Alot of people do say oh hes in a better place.... hes not hurting anymore... And youre right. Thats not what you want to hear. All you want is to be with that person. Its just so hard. I feel like I have nobody to turn to... Nobody to talk to about this. I am a strong believer in God and when all this happened my faith went with my dad. I couldnt understand. I questioned my beliefs my faith... and God. And I'm trying to get that back. I just dont know where to begin......

Thank you for your post..... It really hit home.

Pink Grandma
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 2445
   Posted 6/4/2010 8:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Daddy's girls.   I know those exact feelings.  My dad died alone.   I was only 17 at the time  (the baby of the family) so I didn't know a lot about life yet.   All of us kids went to the convelscent hospital the evening before he died .  But it was locked up.  Not one of us thought to knock on the door or ring the door bell.   The guilt ate me up for years.   I finally accepted that it was God's will ...that he died alone, it wasn't ours. 
Ever since then......I'll be darned if one of my family members will die alone.   Not if I am anywhere around.  And I don't care how hard it is on me.  The guilt is harder to bare. 
 
No one has the magic words to make you feel better about your situation Daddy's girl.   Though everyone tries, whether you want to hear the words or not.  Most people can not stand to see a fellow human being hurting and they try to help them feel better.   Your healing will come with time from you.   You will have to come to terms with the way things happened, just like I did.  
 
Take care......thoughts and prayers....... 
Pink Grandma
Forum moderator-Hepatitis

When the going gets tough....the tough get going! Don't always know where I going but I get there anyways.


lilitiger2
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 89
   Posted 6/4/2010 8:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Daddy's girl
glad you're posting here!
I know so well how hard that "why didn't I...." is. My ex and I always corresponded on my birthday and on another special date, but did not that year. I was planning to call, but got busy. and then..in a matter of days, he died. Totally alone,had not told any of his friends how bad things were. Of course I was wracked with "why didn't I call?"

I think sometimes people (and animals!) in some way pick their moments, when those they love most may not be around and leaving is easier. I know my grandmother died the one (and only one in two years) day my mother wasn't able to visit her. As close as they were, it just seemed like she picked her moment when it was easier to leave. That's what I think anyway.

I would not accept that there was no place to talk to my ex, just would not accept it. I talked to him all the time anyway, told him everything I wanted to say to him (that letter, with the "what i apologize for, what i forgive you for, and ohter stuff i just want to say, really helped there). And then, finally, he did come to me in a dream, and it was extremely comforting. But talking to my friends also really helped, those that just let me talk about how i was feeling and didn't try to "fix" me.

I hope you keep posting here and letting us know how you are doing.
We'll sure be thinking of you!
Lila

Daddys Girl
New Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 6/5/2010 8:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Gals I just wanted to thank all of you for your posts.
I wanted to share something with all of you.
The past year and a half I've been beating myself up about how everything happened with my dad. Lila I thought about your post when this happened....
Two nights ago I went to bed early with my daughter. My dad has been on my mind a whole lot so thats why I came to this forum and researching his sickness. Well to make a long story short. I had a dream about him. I dont even want to call it a dream. Anyhow, my dad was laying in bed talking to me telling me that it was his time to go and that he was ok with it. He told me not to worry. The thing I found interesting about it was all this time I always thought that if I ever dreamt about him he would look sick and how I seen him in his hospital bed. Well he wasnt. He was perfectly healthy when he was telling me it was his time to go. The detail and everything that I remember seemed so real. When I woke up I couldnt believe it. I took it as he came to me to let me know that he was ok and he didnt want me to be feeling the way I was feeling about his passing. I feel like he is in his happy place and I have peace in my heart. Its an incredible feeling. I feel like I finally got the 5 minutes alone with him that I wanted.
I really dont know what else to say but thank you to all of you for your advice. I really appreciate it so much.
~Maria~

lilitiger2
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 89
   Posted 6/5/2010 9:35 PM (GMT -7)   

arneeb
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2350
   Posted 6/5/2010 11:21 PM (GMT -7)   
smilewinkgrin  great news... Sandi
There is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still... Corrie Ten Boom


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 6/6/2010 12:07 AM (GMT -7)   

Maria, I am glad your father came to you and that you have a little bit of closure.  It will help your heart to heal.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


dontknowwhattodo
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 44
   Posted 6/7/2010 12:35 AM (GMT -7)   

Hello Daddys girl..

My husband passed away March 7th 2010 from Esld caused from drinking-- he was in denial and refused to sign the DNR-- when he was to the point where death neared and he was unable to make that decision on his own any longer-- I made it, I signed the paper not to bring back if his heart stopped-- it was the hardest thing I have ever done, but there is no cure for this disease, and I they would of brought him back his heart just would of stopped again and again until it was finally over--- have peace with the fact that your dad no longer suffers with the pain from this horrific disease, and no longer struggles with the disease of alchoholism... he is at peace!...

I ran across a quote earlier today, that I would like to share with everyone..

Some of us think that holding on makes us stronger, when in reality, its the letting go, and enduring the pain that makes us the strongest!

Take Care,

DK


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 6/7/2010 12:14 PM (GMT -7)   

DK, good to see you here!  I love that quote!

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


Daddys Girl
New Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 6/7/2010 10:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi DK
It sounds like we went through similar situations. It took myself and my little brother about 5 hours when we finally agreed together to just let him be if his heart stopped. 15 Minutes after we made our decision he passed. I always felt like he waited for us to be ok with letting him go. I know he was in so much pain and now hes not. It just hurts still. In his last year we became really close and he was only 41 when he passed so I felt like he had alot more life to live. But I also know we choose our future and how it all pans out. He had such passion for life and could never hold a grudge towards anybody. Its hard to go through life without him. I still to this day find myself wanting to call him when something happens. Theres just so many emotions. I think its funny he came to me 2 days before his bday and 7 days before mine. He would do something like that. So as I begin my healing process I will never forget the night that changed everything. He has given me so much in life and even in his passing.

I am sorry to hear about your loss this year. I will definately keep you, your husband, and family in my prayer. May God be with you all.

dontknowwhattodo
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 44
   Posted 6/8/2010 2:10 AM (GMT -7)   
My husband was also very young-- 42 yrs old
I am still struggling daily with his death-- but I move forward-- yesterday was 3 months since he passed, he is in my thoughts every minute of the day--- everything I look at reminds me of him, but it is getting a little easier, I can almost look at memories and smile, instead of cry--- it is a daily challenge, but in my heart I know he is in a better place not suffering---
 
Take Care,
Dk

arneeb
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2350
   Posted 6/8/2010 3:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Barely a month... living is a daily choice... and ditto all you guys said.. I have nightmares ofhis last moments... and ;question the decisions I made and then center myself again pray and go forward.. thoughts and prayers with you..Sandi  I love him with all my heart...
There is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still... Corrie Ten Boom

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