needing to vent

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allie2631
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Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 7/30/2010 3:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi I am feeling really low tonight.
 
my mum has been hitting the drink really bad this week, it was her birthday on Tuesday went to see her. she was fine when her partner was in but as soon as he left she was chasing me away, thanks for the visit I am sure you have loads to do, i need to get on with things...you know what i mean...she was itching for a drink, we had just left and she phoned a taxi went out for her usual bottle. its amazing that she manages to have the strength to do that as she lies about all day every day. I left feeling bad,  I am trying not to take it personal, she seems to accept help from neighbours yet keeps me at arms length, but everyone is so amazing i am left feeling inadequate. she has got a habit of making me feel really bad and worthless. she always acts as if she can't wait to get rid of me.  she was really drunk yesterday, swearing at her partner trying to throw him out etc. she has had the addictions team visit her, she only called them to keep her partner happy. she is drunk when they visit she claims she has not been drinkin again you know the usual... they had arranged for her to go to hospital for detox, she was too sick to go to rehab, so she was to be admitted. up until this morning she says she was not going, but he manged to get her there. not telling her she would be there for at least six weeks. today she was having seizzuires so they are monitering her. but i feel what the point, and i feel really guilty in doing so. she has went 13 weeks when in hospital without a drink, still went back to it. he used emotional blackmail to get her there, so i do not think it will work. i am so bad for thinking that i should be encouraging her, but our relationship is very strained, she does not know me, i feel numb towards her now.I fell a duty towards her i love her, but i am so fed up with the same scenario, i know this will give her partner peace for a while, but i am not looking forward to visiting her, i do not know what to say to her, so how can i be of use to her.i know i would feel different if she had wanted this even though she would be scared but i think she is doing it to keep the peace. i really do not know if she will stay there or not, i do not know how to get through this. she only has two visitors which includes me so i need to visit. i should be happy that she is in detox...sorry for the whining tonight...i fell i need to get this out hope thats ok

hep93
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Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 7/30/2010 3:45 PM (GMT -7)   

Allie, it's fine.  We all need to vent once in awhile.  The good news is that she is in detox, regardless of how she got there.  The bad news is that they cannot hold her longer than 72 hours since she is there voluntarily (at least that's how it works here.)  You have seen the pattern repeat with her over and over, so of course you feel "here we go again."  Since you come away with nothing but bad feelings when you see her, and she will not accept your help, I can only suggest that you try to keep some emotional and physical distance for your own self-preservation.  No need to feel guilty, either.  She has brought this all on herself, and nothing you do or don't do will change it.  She has to want to change and she's given no indication that she really wants to.  You know I call it as I see it, and that's how I see it right now.  Be good to yourself and try not to dwell so much on what's going on with her.  Pay a visit if you feel you should, but make it brief and expect nothing from her.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

arneeb
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Date Joined Nov 2009
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   Posted 7/30/2010 8:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Amen to that sweet girl... take care of urself.. please.. prayers are with you.. sandi
There is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still... Corrie Ten Boom

allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 7/31/2010 12:21 AM (GMT -7)   
god i have just read my post i did go on a bit. its funny how that sometimes things do get on top of you and you feel yourself getting buried under the stress of it all.

worriedgirl
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Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 7/31/2010 7:39 AM (GMT -7)   
i know how you feel but allie why do you torture yourself? why do you let her treat you this way? i honestly think its time to just let your mom be and move on with your life, she doesnt seem to want your help and doesnt care to have a wonderful girl like you. i promise you that you will not be a bad person. but who am i to talk though my mom put me through hell and back and i stuck by her side. you have to do what is right for you and im in no way saying cut her off but it sounds like you need to back off a little cause she is messing up your life as well as hers and life is too short for that. email me if you need to talk and i will give you my phone number if t hat will help you as i know what you are going through
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are
 
"No one really dies because they have loved. Because they love they stay in the hearts of the people they have touched so in that their memory lives on." Ghost whisperer-i know corny but this touched me deep down and i see so much truth in it.

arneeb
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2350
   Posted 7/31/2010 1:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Take care of urself... prayers for you
There is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still... Corrie Ten Boom

allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 8/2/2010 12:34 AM (GMT -7)   
went to the detox centre yesterday to visit my mum. she had been on the phone the previous night saying that she was to get out that her partner was to pick her up, they managed to calm her down and she stayed. she is in the usual remorseful, tearful way saying she will not touch it again.
i spoke to the nurse in charge gave her a brief picture, i also explained that i would be taking a back seat for a while to let her get on with it visiting a couple of times a week. I suppose i know what i know without anyone having to tell me. she looks very sick, could not mange to walk far so they gave her a wheelchair. I told my mum to talk to the councillers there, not me. she knows i love her, so the rest is up to her.
I think it would need a miracle for her to stay off it, i will not expect anyhting from her like you said Connie. I know in my heart this will kill her one way or another.
Thanks everyone for your support when i need it most

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 8/2/2010 11:50 AM (GMT -7)   

We are always here for you, Allie.  I am glad to hear your were able to give the nurse a "heads up."  Hopefully, she will make a note in your mum's chart so that other nurses/doctors will see it.  I know how frustrating it is.  I went through the same thing with my own mother, though she never went to detox.  She half-heartedly tried AA a couple of times and also went to a psychiatrist a few times.  But a person has to be 100% committed to wanting sobriety more than they want the booze and willing to go to any lengths to achieve sobriety.  She wasn't, so I gave up and went on with my life.  Surprisingly, she lived to be 81--but 41 years of it was a life of misery. 

Take care of yourself, sweet Allie.

Hugs,

Connie



hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 8/4/2010 1:59 AM (GMT -7)   
I realise now why you decided that it was best for you to get on with your life. 81 .....she lived a long time considering she was an alcoholic.
I saw her yesterday, they brought her to the visiting room in a wheel chair, as she is not managing to walk because the pain in her leg is so bad. The first thing she sais is she wanted out and started crying, the staff were very firm and told her she was too ill to go anywhere. My mum is clever at times, going on and on about her meaning it this time. A bit too much, i think she thinks if she sounds determined they will let her out.
I have to go to a meeting, where my mum will be dicussed in depth with the doctors and nurses, hopefully they should have did more tests and i can get a fuller picture about her health.

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 8/4/2010 4:12 PM (GMT -7)   

Allie, that's great that you will have the opportunity to attend such a meeting.  If they give you a chance to ask questions or tell THEM anything, please do so!

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 8/6/2010 2:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Yesterday I received a phone call from my mums partner he was in a terrible state, the addiction team (social work) have commented that they are going to recommend full time care for my mum as they do not think she is well enough to go home. They think she might agree to that, she will go mad...
anyway saw her tonight, she has been in bed last couple of days, she has a bad urine infection also she fell again last night. theu are pretty slow at getting her hip x rayed, i also heard that the detox only takes approx 2 weeks, so they are going to discuss everything on Tuesday
I have a funny feeling that things are going to go the usual way, unless they decided for a psychiatric evaluation. Hopefully something will be decided.

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 8/6/2010 8:34 PM (GMT -7)   

That would be a really good thing if she could get full time care, which I imagine would be in-patient.  Her partner will just have to deal with it.  He hasn't been any help to her in the times she has been released home.  Of course, she will probably fight it, but I agree with the addiction team that this is what she needs.  Be sure to follow up on the x-rays.  They can actually do portable ones, right in her room while she is in bed.  There is no reason for them to be so slow about doing such a simple thing.  If the falls she has had prove to have compromised her hip replacement, then there's another reason for her to have full time care.

When does the meeting you previously mentioned take place?

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 8/6/2010 11:59 PM (GMT -7)   
tuesday connie

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 8/7/2010 11:17 AM (GMT -7)   

Allie, write down some things to ask/tell when you attend and take the list with you.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 8/21/2010 12:45 AM (GMT -7)   
My mum is still in the detox unit. She has had the results of her x ray, which showed no damage to the hip, they said they are trying to investgate why she is in so much pain...She is looking so much better, they have pumped all these high dose vitamins in her and her blood results are improving, she is eating much better, so I did expect to see this improvement.
When talking about drinking, she says she is finished, but we have been down that road.....its when she gets home is the problem.
I saw her last night, she is becoming more confused each day I see her, talking about my gran, trying to phone her (she died nearly a year ago), she talked of being in town with friends shopping. she was very confused, they said she was not toxic. They are not giving her lactulose, i asked them to check if she needed it, they are adament she hasa regular bowel movements and that is not causing the confusion.
she has fallen twice since she has been there.They are worried that the confusion, makes her forget she is unsteady and also more damge to the hip and the head. esp since she has had the bleeds in her brain.
I am now thinking even if she does stop drinking (which would be a miracle), it might be too late because too much damage has been done. just have to wait and see.
 
she has already been trying to get out saying she wants home, but they managed to persuade her to stay

Butterflythree
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 954
   Posted 8/21/2010 6:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Allie, I am so sorry that you are going through so much with your mother. I can only imagine how much your are hurting.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you.
Butterflythree
 
There is always hope!

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 8/21/2010 11:13 AM (GMT -7)   

Allie, she could have a spinal disk issue that is causing the leg pain, if they've ruled out hip damage.  How long has she been in rehab now?  I think I would insist that they check her ammonia level.  Just because she's having regular BMs doesn't mean her ammonia isn't high.  Of course, the confusion could be the result of her alcoholism...even though she's not drinking now.  It kills brain cells.  At the end, my mother didn't even know her parents' or children's names (I got her medical records from the hospital she died in.)  She had been delusional 20 yrs. prior and it just got worse.  However, in your mum's case, it could be from the brain bleeds.

Remember to take care of YOU!

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 8/22/2010 3:20 AM (GMT -7)   
she phoned me yesterday very confused, apparantly she has been aggitated all day, walking about angry in her zimmer. Nottaking in anything she has been told.
what other signs would there be for high amonia, surely if she has been in a place sepecifically for detox they would have vast knowledge about this. she is under continuious assessment right now, they are trying to determine why she is like this. she is not as sleepy as before,more restless.
she has been in detox just over three weeks which is not long really. I have seen her confused, talking slowly and sleepy but not this way. she had a urine infection but that has cleared up. She is having a lot of bloodtests nurses say she is not toxic what ever that means, what you think???

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 8/22/2010 10:52 AM (GMT -7)   

Detox doesn't necessarily have extensive knowledge about liver disease.  Toxemia is a blood infection.  Maybe that's what the nurse meant by "not toxic."  What is the big deal with them doing an ammonia level?  If that tests normal, then her problem is likely from the brain bleeds and from brain damage from alcoholism.  Just guessing here from my limited knowledge base.  But agitation, anger, confusion are all signs of elevated ammonia.  What blood tests are they doing?

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 8/22/2010 3:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Yes i keep stressing to them about her not having the lactulose. I guess I am being silly when i just assume that they are the professionals and they should know what they are doing. The last meeting i went to the doctor, nurses in charge total of six people were there, apparantaly they have weekly meetings to discuss patient progress and family are encouraged to attend. They told me they had been doing liver function tests amongst other things. why do they ask for a list of medication that she is on, if they do not give the medication to her. They said they were doing assessments of her and they were ongoing. They do keep me posted on whats happening but i would be extremely annoyed with them if it is just elevated amonia that has been wrong with her because it could have saved a lot of upset for my mum and me.
The centre she is in is within hospital grounds, they say they have good experience of diagnosing things like Korsakoffs syndrome , they are connected with the social work addiction department and it is them and only them who do a psychiatric evaluation of her mental health. It is them who can say if she is mentally and phsyically fit enough to go home or be put in nursing care.
I try and not worry and get too far ahead of myself, worrying about what is going to happen. The more i try to step back the more she pulls on my heart strings.

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 8/22/2010 4:14 PM (GMT -7)   

In these days of specialization, one doctor may be very knowledge in his specialty, but not know much about something else.  I've learned never to assume anything.  I ask a lot of questions.  A liver panel doesn't automatically include an ammonia level.  To my knowledge, with all the blood work and testing I've had, I've never had a test for ammonia...probably because there was no indication for it based on my behavior.  If you are able to go to the next meeting, flat-out ask them to do an ammonia level.  But it's true that it's no good for you to obsess over something that's not going to have a good outcome, regardless of what's done or not done.

Hugs,

Connie

 

 


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 8/25/2010 1:11 AM (GMT -7)   
wee update for today
went to meeting yesterday ended up nearly losing my temper and getting all upset, i think it was just the frustration. Again there was about 6 people in the room.
I asked them about the lactulose and the amonia, they looked at me as if I was talking another language. Again i went through some of her history and the fact that she was always prescribed lactulose to help with periods of encelepathy.
This is what i eventually found out, my mum when she is drinking has decompensated liver disease again had all usual symptoms jaundice, ascites, low immune system, fatigue, sickness, loss muscle mass, blood coagulation problems, portal hypertension causing varices to be banded both ends, osteoporosis, seizuires, bleeds in the brain,encelepathy, spider noveau almost every symptom she has suffered one time or another. now because she has been so ill before and had had most of the symptoms associated with end stage i assumed she was end stage. Maybe because she was given three months to live over three years ago if she continued to drink. so what they are telling me now is becuase she is not drinking had all the high vitamins that her liver is compensated and starting to improve slightly.I am still trying to get my head around it all. now the doctors are saying they are worried about the other things that are wrong with her, for example she is walking with the zimmer now but still has pain in her hip, she also has been bleeding from the back, she has a narrowed artery in her neck (aparantly has been too sick to do anything about it) and she has been more than confused. she has hardly any short term memory and has begun to make up stories where she is what she has being doing and its getting worse. she has at times no recollection of her home that she lives in and she is upset most of the time. sorry this is a bit long winded. doctors say she does not need the lactulose right now, she did at one time but now no. They are talking about Korsakoffs...
I do not know what is going to happen but i am glad things are a little clearer.

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 8/25/2010 11:27 AM (GMT -7)   

It could well be Korsakoff's, Allie.  I still think something is going on in the hip, particularly after all the falls she's had since surgery.  They are probably talking about carotid artery stenosis, which is narrowing of the artery due to plaque.  The usual treatment is stent placement, but I don't know if she's well enough for that kind of surgery.  It's obvious that not drinking for over 3 weeks has been beneficial to her liver.

Do keep us updated.

Hugs,

Connie

P.S. The correct spelling for encephalopathy and spider nevi are in our Medical Word List.



hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 8/26/2010 12:01 AM (GMT -7)   
she has been drink free for over 4 weeks now. I  know she could go downhill very quickly when she comes out and drinks again.
I think I am finally coming to terms with what is happening now, if only doctors would explain things more clearly. I just did not realise how long things would go on if she drank, I really did not think that she would still be here considering she drank about 40 oz vodka every day.
This time she might have went too far, even if she could stay off the drink there is a chance that her mind may be affected and she might not be able to go home. That might be for the best in the long run although it sure is not any way to live.
I do not want to fail her, i want to do what is best.
I agree with you about the hip pain Connie although I am not too confident about getting it resolved as they cannot seem to find anything.
Thanks again Connie for your valued advice

Post Edited (allie2631) : 8/26/2010 1:21:07 AM (GMT-6)


arneeb
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Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2350
   Posted 8/26/2010 5:14 AM (GMT -7)   
tsk tsk tsk... my  my my... how could you ever think that you would "fail" her... after standing by her... through so much... goodness sakes... give yourself a break today.. be kind to yourself... and so sorry for what you are going through... and you mom too... prayers and thoughts are with you today... and tomorrow.. Sandi
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