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nc born and bred
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 155
   Posted 8/2/2010 6:55 PM (GMT -7)   
hello. just wanted to give a lil update.. my mom is not doing well and neither is stepdad....he probably wont be coming home..... and she just gets a lil worse every. i struggle to get her to take med, she wont eat. and doesnt really have much swelling except in the feet..she is forgetting everything. hasnt forgot my name yet.. she still has the energy to have really angry flare ups at times.. but now i feel more pity than anything else for her... oh, it crosses my mind sometimes (you fool) why are you being nice to this woman who really the only thing good she ever did for me was give me birth. she has cussed me more times than i can count. made me feel like the lowest scum of the earth, but still shes my mom and im a fool, so here i go again.....  i can look back and say i did the best i could. and at least i can feel good about myself. and really her being a mean horrible alcoholic has made me a better person so maybe i should thank her. turn
Allie- i shall pray for you and your mom...

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 8/2/2010 9:32 PM (GMT -7)   

NC, I hope she will be out of her misery soon and stop causing you so much pain.  The person my mother became as a result of her alcoholism is what made me stop drinking.  I saw myself becoming her and that was a very scary thing.

Big hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 8/3/2010 8:26 AM (GMT -7)   
alot of her cussing at you would be her encepalopthy(SP) and yeah our parents have taught us alot. yes you can look back and say you did the best you could and really t hat is all you can do. dont let her take over your life though. im sure your mom loves you she just cant show it.
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are
 
"No one really dies because they have loved. Because they love they stay in the hearts of the people they have touched so in that their memory lives on." Ghost whisperer-i know corny but this touched me deep down and i see so much truth in it.

allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 8/4/2010 2:18 AM (GMT -7)   
here we go again...how many times have i said that. I really do feel for you, I also know inside that loss you feel, the empiness inside and that horrible gut feeling inside of you when your mum is being nasty and generally not caring about you and what you are going through. My mum also has the habit of making me feel the lowest of the low. it does not matter when others say that is the drink talking, they do not mean it....because the harm is done. One of the hardest things i think about alcoholism and liver disease is not just the physical deterioration but the way it makes people so self centred and selfish. They want to blame everyone but themselves for their problems
You are anything but a fool, you are a good person who has had a lot to deal with, but you will come through the other end. some days you will be stronger than others. Like you ifeel pity when i look at the woman my mum has become, but I know i am not responsible for that she is, life is not always easy, we have to go on the best way we know how.
Its terrible but i pray for this nightmare to end for my mum and for me. (I would like nothing better for a miracle and for her to stop drinking, get better and then see if we can salvage any of our relationship). i know you wish for the same, it seems never ending, the suffering for everyone goes on. My thought are with you going through this, yes we will come through the other side, when i do not know...

nc born and bred
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 155
   Posted 8/7/2010 10:52 AM (GMT -7)   
we buried my stepdad today.......and i feel very bitter towards my mother. she has been a raging alcoholic her whole life. made peoples life so miserable..... he was a good kind loving man, who never had a harsh word for anyone and he is gone.....

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 8/7/2010 11:00 AM (GMT -7)   

NC, I am sooo sorry.  However, it's good that it was fast and he didn't suffer for a prolonged period.  Your feelings are entirely normal.  Have you tried writing them down in a journal?  Or getting some counseling?  I have been exactly where you are.  I eventually was able to let go of all the bitter feelings and the anger and disappointment.  Those were replaced by sadness and later on gratitude for the things she had taught me--even just by being a horrible example.

WG, it may be hard to believe but some parents really are incapable of loving.

Big hugs,

Connie



hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Post Edited (hep93) : 8/7/2010 12:05:39 PM (GMT-6)


nc born and bred
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 155
   Posted 8/8/2010 6:06 PM (GMT -7)   
she cussed this man and wished him dead.... and now in her stupid alcoholic stupor shes trying to convince us that she loved him..... what a joke.. she loves nobody but herself...  says she wants to die and be with him,but thats a joke too. hes in heaven,and i know shes not going there.i know you shouldnt hate anyone but i am so close....that liquor is gonna kill her and at this point i dont care. shes just an obligation to me.  cussed me and 2 of my siblings out today, told us to leave again..... and dont come back.  i just wanted to grieve this man who was so good to me and meant a lot to me and she messed that up just like she does everything else.... i hope she is out of her misery soon on earth so i will be out of mine..... i do not like my mom, i love her cause shes my mom but thats it.... i feel nothing for her, does this make me a bad person? she has made so many lives miserable. when is this gonna end?  how can she have absolutely no feelings at all? i know, i dont know why im asking, that liquor has fried her brain, you cant drink that much and not be affected. i cannot think of one good thing to say about her. pitiful,isnt it? thanks for allowing me to vent... this helps.so much. i do cry a lot, cry for the mom i wish i had had and now for the stepdad i have lost.... but talking to you all helps me more than yall will ever know. God bless you all

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 8/8/2010 6:12 PM (GMT -7)   

NC, you are right--the years of drinking have affected her brain.  sad    t's called "wet brain" syndrome.  skull    Same thing happened to my mom.  They make no sense at all at times.  But she doesn't love herself...she loves the bottle.  It is her "all."  You have to find a way to let go of the anger...and you will.  It may not be time yet.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Pink Grandma
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 2445
   Posted 8/8/2010 8:29 PM (GMT -7)   
NC, I am so sorry that you lost your stepfather. And that you are still having a tough time with your mom. You got through this far......you'll get through the rest of the journey.....even if it's by the skin of your teeth. You really are a very strong woman. Hold your head up high! Be proud of yourself and the woman that you have become despite not having the kind of mom that you wanted and needed.

Lot's of thoughts and prayers.........
Pink Grandma
Forum moderator-Hepatitis

When the going gets tough....the tough get going! Don't always know where I going but I get there anyways.

arneeb
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2350
   Posted 8/9/2010 5:06 AM (GMT -7)   
kMy thoughts are with you... and prayers too.. sandi
There is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still... Corrie Ten Boom

MrErythema
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 259
   Posted 8/9/2010 7:24 AM (GMT -7)   
"Shes still my mom and im a fool"

The last bit is not true NC. The first bit is true.

The depths alcohol takes one to run deeper than any philosopher could ever imagine even. There always appears to be another "level".

In my book - theres no person at fault between you really - maybe your mum is a victim aswell (of the booze). I dont know.

allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 8/9/2010 11:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Sandi get your frustration out, you have every right to be angry at your mum, I feel your pain i was in your shoes when my gran died my mother mourned her and I was so angry with her because she was never there for her, even when she was she made her life a misery. Sadly it falls on deaf ears, cause your mum will not take it in. I have lost count in the times I have raged at her, got myself sooo upset and for what....
you have the memories of your stepfather, you mourn him try and ignore her. It is strange that sometimes we can control the anger and other times we just gotta let it out. So let it out...
its hard to take when all they care about is their next drink, please do not be too hard on yourself.

nc born and bred
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 155
   Posted 8/9/2010 3:36 PM (GMT -7)   
back to work today. kind of a relief but not very focused... no, my mom is not a victim.
no one held a gun to her head for 50 plus years and made her drink. she may not know the consequences now but she darn well knew what she was doing to herself and others when she started drinking. her brain hasnt always been in the fog its in now...
i will not make any excuses for an alcoholic.... she brought this on herself. she is reaping what she sowed. i feel pity as i would anyone that was sick but thats the extent of it.....
she has only herself to blame. liquor is her best friend..... has been as long as i can remember. as i said before she is now just an obligation,nothing more.....  people get sick all the time through no fault of their own, but my moms sickness could of been avoided.... she chose her life. so be it.... if i had got the news about my kidneys and liver, i would have quit drinking on the spot,hoping for a miracle.... but she just keeps on.. so be it.. i will be planning her funeral soon.....

nc born and bred
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 155
   Posted 8/10/2010 4:43 PM (GMT -7)   
    made it through another day... cry   didnt cry as much today. so i guess thats good. shes drinking but not drunk... guess i should be grateful.

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 8/10/2010 6:11 PM (GMT -7)   

If she's drinking, believe me she will get drunk.  It's what an alcoholic does--drinks until passing out or until no more booze.  I really think you need to maintain some physical distance for your own mental and emotional health.

Hugs,

Connie


hep93
Forum moderator - Hepatitis
 
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

allie2631
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 8/11/2010 4:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Sandi you really need to take a step back, get sometime for yourself and to mourn your step dad. Its not easy when your mum lives so close to you, my mum is about 20 min drive away, that makes it a little easier. Just take one day at a time, like you said.

As with your mum, she will do what she has always done regardless, she will probably make your step dad passing the excuse although we know she does not need any excuse. Nothing we can do will change what they do. That is so hard being helpless, being able to do nothing. They have a one track mind, so you must be strong like you are and pick up the pieces and try and get on with your life.

Take care of yourselfx

arneeb
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2350
   Posted 8/11/2010 1:49 PM (GMT -7)   
ditto with prayers for you.. sandi
There is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still... Corrie Ten Boom
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