How much longer??

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chrisinwis
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 2/1/2006 9:13 AM (GMT -6)   

hi TDT.  Thank you for your kind words.  We are sort of in the same boat, watching and waiting and praying altho my son does not seem to give one hoot about his health.  I have done what Lerie has told me to do and that was to distance myself as much as I could from him.  My DIL is a very caring person and with the love she has for him (which is difficult to understand as he made her life plenty miserable) is doing what she can.  I am so glad that I found this site as the understanding is remarkable.  I do pray that your husband gets better.  I buried mine last year after 5 yrs of dementia.  I would not want to wish this on anyone.  But there is still hope for your husband and he is a fighter and I pray that he will get better.  Thanks for the info on the paracentesis as I waswondering just how much is too much.  He swells up a couple of days after they drain him.

                        Chris


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 2/1/2006 10:10 AM (GMT -6)   
Chris, I just wanted to welcome you to the forum. You will find a lot of support here. It sounds to me like your son is in major denial. It's like he is pretending he doesn't have a disease and can do whatever he wants to. It's probably past denial and right into rebellion, considering his actions.

You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped, remember that. Focus on caring for yourself and being good to yourself.

We are here for you.

Connie

TDT
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 402
   Posted 2/1/2006 2:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Chris, There is always hope, even for your son. He could come around, until then Tough Love can be the Best Love, for both of you! It is the hardest love to give. As mothers, we want to nurture them, protect them, but that is not always the best thing for them. They seem to have to do it their way! It is sad that they have to learn the hardway! Is your DIL getting the support she needs? I can relate to what she is going through. Let her know that we can give her some support too! HUGS and PRAYERS!!!

lerie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 966
   Posted 2/1/2006 2:44 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi t, well said!It would be even more benificial If Mom & DIL could work together with the tough love for an even clearer message to the son.It's a horrible situation for everyone the way things are now. Chris you nor your DIL are alone anymore with this. I am here for you to. My thoughts & prayers are with you. Did you do something special for yourself yet Chris since we last talked here? Take care. later....
lerie


PN16
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 98
   Posted 2/1/2006 9:48 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi to Chrisinwi -

I'm a daughter of an alcoholic that just recovered from almost dying...
I moved in with my Dad to help him recover from liver and kidney failure due to cirrosis - he was told he had days to live and he is doing great now 5 months later...

So as far as how long - no one knows - this site is great for information though - I found out so much about how much the liver does for the body and signs that things aren't working so well

It is hard being a loved one - my Dad is not drinking now and I hope he doesn't but I don't think that is likely - I agree with Lerie on distancing yourself - you don't have to cut your son out completely - but when my Dad was drinking I refused to be around him - and I tried not to be disrespetful or rude to him because I didn't want an argument to be our last words because I knew he was headed where he ended up (on his deathbed) - but you can tell your son to only come over when sober and if he calls and is drinking you can just say - "I've got to go" and if he brags about drinking you can just give him no reaction - If he doesn't want to visit with you when you visit, maybe you can just stop in and have tea with your daughter-in-law to support her and focus on her and not him - he may be sick of people talking about him and asking him how he is?? it is hard living with an alcoholic and even harder when you know they may be dying - so I feeeeelll you and I can't imagine if it was my son - and there will be times you can't avoid feeling hurt - I guess what is hardest for me is I have NO control what so ever at all - and that is true with the alcoholism and the liver failure - you can't reason with an alcoholic and I just don't understand the need to drink - and you can't predict what is going to happen when with the liver because it is different with everyone -

but again this site is terrific because at least you can see symptoms and maybe throw out some "I read on the internet you shouldn't be eating more than 600 mg salt" advice once in a while - I don't know about your son but my Dad is very headstrong and acts like he isn't listening but then later I'll notice he is cutting back on the salt and taking advice.

I'm just rambling - I wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and praying for your family

chrisinwis
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 2/2/2006 9:25 AM (GMT -6)   

Hi to all you wonderful people.

I have learned so much from this forum, i could read a zillion books on this subject and still not get the honest, sympathetic replies I have gotten.  I feel so much better and have gotten my DIL to log on to the forum and she too has told me that it is so very helpful.

Everything you have told me is really true.  I have distanced myself from my son as much as I can and find that I am sleeping better, feeling more like I want to do things and go places and not worry so much about him.  You are right that he is in denial, caustic of tongue, selfish,

He cares not one wit about his health so why should I.  I think it is wonderful that there are places like this to help one figure out what is right and wrong.  I thank you all and God bless each and every one of you.  And like some have said, maybe he will change.  But then I certainly have.  Thanks again.  You people are wonderful.

                                 Chris

someone asked if my son was driving.  he lost his license with drunk driving and does not hae a vehicle.  thank heavens for that.

 

 


lerie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 966
   Posted 2/2/2006 12:23 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Chris, well my dear it sounds like you are certainly getting it together! I'm proud of you. Its not easy making a stand like this & putting it into action. You are a very courages woman.Now that you have taken the first step to change, Your daughter in law & your son have no choice to follow. With the change in you Your dIL will see this then she will follow you & then your son has no choice but to look at himself & make his from there one way or the other.Sounds like your already reaping the benifits of change,Hang in there mom, you'll be glad you did regardless of his decisions.My thoughts & prayers are with you & your family.Take care. later....
lerie


TDT
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 402
   Posted 2/2/2006 2:44 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Chris, You certainly sound better today! I am glad your DIL took a look at the forum. I hope to hear from her. It does help, when you find out you are not alone and others care. I am proud of you, for making the decision to take control of your life. Instead of letting him control it! Your reply has made my day!! Hang in there!!! Hugs and Prayers!!!!

chrisinwis
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 2/3/2006 8:46 AM (GMT -6)   

To Everyone,  Thanks for your input I think this tough love is working.  He gave up his so called fishing and bar hopping trip, and is much more respectful when I talk to him.  I always felt that I did not want it on my concience if he should die that I mistreated him but have had enough.  My DIL reads the threads and agrees with me.  She is a sweet girl and we talk daily. So we shall see if this works.  He has always had his way but things are going to change now.  Lord knows at my age just how many years I have left and I shall use them to enjoy, not worry.

I pray for each of you daily.  And thanks again for your input. 

                                             Chris


lerie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 966
   Posted 2/3/2006 11:08 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Chris, Looks like he needed you to take a stand not to but up with the abuse. Keep up the good work & don't let him try to put any guilt trips if he tries to get the control back. You have the control now so make sure you keep it.I'm glad he cancelled his plans for this trip.It won't be on your concience that you mistreated him. It is painfully obvious he is mistreating you badly with little or no respect for you!I'm glad you like your daughter in law , you will be able to give each other support thru this & you both need each other for strength now & in the days to come.I'm so glad your feeling & sounding so much better now. Feel free to to come into the other posts here & join the chats in them.We are here for you & your daughter in law to. God bless you both. take care. later....
lerie


chrisinwis
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 2/6/2006 12:19 PM (GMT -6)   

Hi everyone.  Well the tough love is working and my son seems to be coming around.

At least some of the hostility is gone.  What you said about the denial is absolutely right.

he cares not one wit what happens to him.  Naturally he went to a super bowl party and got stinking drunk.  This will probably be a huge setback for him as he was not drinking very much.

What is a mother to do.  I can;t stop him.  47 yrs old and sick as a dog.  what a horrible disease this is.  It effects all around him.  Not much to be done just watch and wait.

                                               Chris


lerie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 966
   Posted 2/6/2006 2:18 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Chris, what a mother can you already did.That is you raised him up the best you could , now let him makehimself a man! No Chris you can't stop him but with the tough love ther is a chance he will sto & think.There is nothing you can do for him unless he wants to do for himself. Let him take full responsibility for his actions.If you don't your not going to help him for sure. His choices are his alone to make & you & your DIL need to make your choices.Take care of yourselves instead of worrying about him all the time. Yes it effects all involved & a hard disease to watch & cope with. That's why we are here to support you.I can tell you love your son dearly but you can't let his disease take you down to! Yes drinking will set him back but that's his problem if he's still drinking not yours. He's a man & you have no control over his choices. As much as this is heartbreaking you have to let go till he is ready to help himself by turning his life around.Hang in there mom your doing great. Have you been doing anything nice for yoursel lately? Do you & your DIL ever do lunch just the two of you so she gets a break to? You & your DIL certainly do need each other right now. Take care. My thoughts & prayers Are with you all. later....
lerie


TDT
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 402
   Posted 2/6/2006 5:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Chris, You have done so well, keep hanging in there! You can't control what your son does, to himself. He is making his choices, which will have repercussion's. It is hard to watch, but really what can you do? You can continue to take care of you! He is in denial and doesn't care who he hurts right now. You can be there for him when he is ready, when he says enough is enough, and makes the changes on his own. Until then be kind to yourself and know that you have done what you can for him. He is showing less hostility and that is a step. Just don't enable him to do the destructive things he does. Don't take him to the liquor store or parties, or give money if you know that he is going to use it to buy alcohol. Let him find his own way! You don't have to be a part of that, this is your way of saying I Love You! HUGS!!
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