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Barbara P
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 256
   Posted 4/21/2007 6:00 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Friends,

Things have gone from bad to worse and then I snapped out of my black pit where I wanted to die. You could say I've been to hell and back. Everyone's encouraging words and prayers have been my saving grace.

By Wednesday, I was toying with the idea of suicide and was probably very, very close to taking action. I simply had no will to live and obviously wasn't thinking clearly. The wonderful LVN from Hospice recognized what was going on and when she couldn't joke me out of it, she contacted the Hospice Chaplain hoping Sarah would call or come by. Instead Vitas did their typical over-reaction, teleconferenced each other and decided to call adult protective services and 51 50 me that afternoon. By the time the police arrived I had already snapped out of my state of desperation and was busy moving things around for the delivery of Gene's hospital bed that he finally consented to use. My mind and spirit had returned and the black pit was nowhere to be found. But the shock of having Vitas make this call without even calling or coming by to check on us and then to literally have the door pounded in and police check Gene out to make sure I hadn't harmed him, was shock treatment. I will not harbor death wishes or suicidal thoughts again; I simply won't go there. I now realize that those thoughts can't accelerate if I don't dwell on them. On the other hand, depression, anxiety and panic attacks come and go and come and go with a mind of their own. But much of the time I'm me again and can, after months of being paralyzed, get things done, make decisions, advocate, laugh and cry and make jokes and make necessary calls. This is certainly a time of rapid change for me. My caring chaplain and social worker at Vitas Hospice put on different hats and became harsh and insensitive and demanding that I relinquish services they had been providing. Now for those of you who have been following my blogs this past year, you will know that this has been the pattern of Vitas from the start. There is some underlying fault or corruption there that causes them to again and again over-react, turn on us, try to discharge Gene or kill our spirit. I realize by law they have to report suicidal situations, but the fact that they did this so coldly and then refused support after things settled down, (the police felt no need to hospitalize me and Gene was safely sleeping), is very strange indeed. As usual, they got the incident wrong. Our LVN came yesterday and was the only Vitas person who defied the order to back off. Sheryl was the one who reported the incident and we all agreed on what was said and what happened. But Vitas has distorted the facts and blown a minor issue into something frightening and very serious. Had I truly been suicidal, the experience would have certainly forced me to take action. Having worked for many months with people telling us they had our best interest at heart and would never hurt us, then suddenly become united in being cold and heartless to say the least, at a time when they were needed the most is something I will never forget. There is no longer trust. But I stood up for myself and watched them squirm during their inquisition meeting on Thursday. They literally tried to pound me in the ground usind things I told them in our intense visits against me. They couldn't see I was much stronger after my close call and tried to invalidate me; but they failed.

I've already said more than you need to know or want to read. But they say confession is good for the soul.

This afternoon is my friend MaraJayne's memorial service. It will be very emotional but also uplifting

I'm sure. I will keep on going. For today, in the moment I'm on solid ground again. I appreciate you continued support and prays and words of hope.


                     LIVE IN THE MOMENT!
 
                          Hugs and Prayers
                                     Barb
 
 
 
 


Pink Grandma
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 2445
   Posted 4/21/2007 11:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Babara we are so happy that you are in a better frame of mind. Believe me when I said been there done that. I know exactly how you were feeling. Sometimes it's hard to come out of the funk that you are in. But please know that we are here for you. When God seems to close one door he opens another. I hold on to that thought like a life line. Wondering what he has instore for me next if only I can get through this part of my life. My thoughts and prayers will certainly be with you and Gene. Pink Grandma

hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 4/22/2007 12:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Barb, I'm glad to see that you are doing better for the moment.  Are you taking antidepressants?  If not, it's something you might want to consider short-term.  If one doesn't work, try another.  That must have been a very scary time for you.  I'm glad that you are able to come here and unload.  We are always here for you.
 
Gentle hugs,
Connie

Barbara P
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 256
   Posted 4/22/2007 3:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Connie and Pink Grandma,
 
I'm still keeping despair at bay and find myself calm and spiritual. At the Memoriall Mass yesterday for my dear friend, I went for a healing following Communion. After expressing what I needed to have a healing on I realized I had already done the healing myself. The healing team agreed and instead of laying hands on me, they handed me the oil to bless them instead. It was a beautiful moment where I realized I was now standing alone with the Grace of God but surrounded by the love of others.
 
I've tried every anti-depressent and sleep aid available in small enough doses only to find they were all far too strong for me to continue taking. I'm simply too drug sensitive. On my last Psychiatrist's visit on last Tuesday, my gentle doctor suggested herbal roots to relax me and make me drowsy. Then he called me back into his office and offered me a big hug. I know he cares; but medicaions do not help me; they make my problems ten times worse.
 
Gene is sleeping tonight for the first time in his hospital bed. I've asked God to be the sentinal watching over him so I can get some much needed and long overdue rest. As you can tell it didn't work yet as I'm again on the computer at three in the morning.
 
 
                     LIVE IN THE MOMENT!
 
                          Hugs and Prayers
                                     Barb
 
 
 
 


hep93
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 4/22/2007 3:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Barb, sometimes the right people around us, giving support and love, is the best antidepressant in the world. :)

My thoughts and prayers are with both you and Gene.

Hugs,
Connie

donajean
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 141
   Posted 4/23/2007 8:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Ma!,

You hang in there with the Lords help! He will see you through!
Remember I love ya!

Donajean

wheredidigo
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 605
   Posted 4/23/2007 9:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Barb,
I am sure you feel very alone now ,and mistrustful of hospice,but I know from experience with Rick that sometimes the mental state of mind can distort what others are trying to do,,,,,,,maybe this overreaction re-charged your battery,,,,,,,,,,,I dont know the ppl your talking about,but I had to call mental health on a close relative once,due to suicidal thoughts,,,,,,,and it saved her life,,,,,,,i KNOW you have every reason in the world to give up,but you have many many reasons to fight this depression too , Barb,,,,,,,,,a few,,,,,,,,,Gene, other family, Gene, friends, Gene, us here at healingwell, and above all,,,,,,,you have alot to offer others,,,,,and you will see that eventually,,,,,,did you let the anti D's have a chance to get adjusted?? at first it seems they make you drowsy and tired alot,but after a month or so,,,,,,,,it levels out,,,,,,,which ones have you tried? maybe a nerve pill would be better? ativans work better for me then anti D's,,,,calm me down and help me think more rationally,,,,,,,,,,and they come in low dosages,,,,,,,,please Barb,continue with this uplifted spirit,,,,,maybe not uplifted but,,,,,determined to get through this life,,,,,,,,I will keep you in my prayers tonight before bed,,,,,,,,,:huge hugs:
trish 
Moderator for Hepatitis Forum 
 
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,but rather to skid in sideways,chocolate in one hand,wine in the other,body used up ,totally worn out and screaming"WOOOOHOO WHAT A RIDE!!!" 


Barbara P
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 256
   Posted 4/24/2007 7:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Guys,
 
I truly was doing great with God's help. But yesterday the Chaplain and Social Worker came by again trying to limit services and to get me to sign away rights we have with Hospice. They are not acceptable; in the meantime Gene is only receiving restricted nursing visits and plnone calls are not being returned.
 
I do not fault them for the call they made. I appeared worse than I was; they blew things out of proportion and twisted what Sheryl the LVN reported. Sheryl only wanted the Chaplain to call me; our recollection of the day match; but Vitas has twisted what she said and I said into something more serious. My own Psychiatrist said I was not suicidal; just needed to know who it was safe to discuss death thoughts with.
 
I've tried every anti-depressent that can be cut into small enough doses and could not tolerate them; I'm extremely drug sensitive even to vitamins. Last night I took Zanax and it increased anxiety and fearful thoughts as I stumbled and bumped into walls. Fortunately I still was able to stay out of the dark pit. I slept for the first time in months but it was a disturbed sleep rather than a restful one. My doctor's suggestion was to take an herbal root Valerian. Now I'm in a fog today and I have to be on guard not to fall back into despair and darkness.
 
It does keep me going knowing you are all there for me. But somedays I ask; When will this nightmare end? Gene is always formost in my thoughts and prayers and heart and soul.
 
Barb
                     LIVE IN THE MOMENT!
 
                          Hugs and Prayers
                                     Barb
 
 
 
 


Shel
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 4/24/2007 1:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Barb,

Just catching up on posts, I'm sorry for your situation that you were in a few days ago. I know we sometimes have some crazy thoughts because we think life is not fair and challenges we face. Pray to our dear lord and hang in there. Take care of yourself and be strong.
*Hugs, Thoughts, and Prayers*
   *Shel in New Mexico, USA*
 


TDT
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 402
   Posted 4/24/2007 11:38 PM (GMT -7)   

Ma, I am so sorry to hear this!! I am keeping you in my prayers!!!

Love,

Teresa

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