Dear Friends and fellow travelers,
It's all quiet on the western front. Gene is about the same; he has his good days and more bad days with overall slow decline. The word finding problems and personality changes have become the new baseline normal; some days I hardly notice them; not because they aren't there but that I'm getting used to his constant activity and changing things around when he is not in deep sleep. Gene goes until he collapses which is not good but I've been told to not interupt him unless he's in danger. The coughing, choking and aspiration are also regular occurances now.
I've decided Vitas Inovative Hospice, like Justice is blind. The nurse comes by and spends five minutes taking Gene's vitals and then the rest of her time is spent entering data on her computer or listening to my concerns. Vickie finally admited that she cannot believe Gene is still alive but feels there is nothing she can do for him so her time is better spent as admissions nurse. That's not really true, in March when Gene was on his death watch, Vicki didn't come by more frequently either. On Monday, the Medical Director Dr. Mandel is coming to check on Gene; he's supposed to come every two or three weeks but waited almost six weeks and then only called to schedule after I phoned Hospice on Friday to express concern over Gene's condition. They keep reminding me that most patients in hospice do not live as long as Gene and it's difficult for them to know what is coming next. Vickie explained that Gene's body is shutting down but won't venture a guess on the timeline. I requested the medical records almost six weeks ago but am still being told they are being gathered for me but first must be sent to corporate.
I had a very emotional and painful week following some deep insights from my therapy sessions. It brought up feelings of anger and grief that I've surpressed for so long and caused conflict with my desire to lay down my sword and shield. I seem to have a truce or cease fire today and the calmness is like bliss.
And the first illustration for my book is completed. I decided to express my anger through art and learned alot about myself in the process. I know more will follow.
Well, enough chatter. I hope everyone in Liver failure and Cancerland are having a peaceful weekend.
I don't know what the Lord has in store for Gene. Perhaps it is to give us all hope. Perhaps he is too contrary and the Lord is not ready for him to stir things up. Or maybe it is to teach me that all things are possible. Whatever the reason, Miracle-boy Gene turned the corner once again and stabilized. Gene is weak but recovering. He is having his first meal in days.
Yesterday, Dr. Mandel said with anyone else he would call it the end but since Gene has rebounded so many times we would just have to wait and see. Now that Gene's speech has improved enough for him to say what he feels, he told Jennifer he was certain he was dying yesterday. I was also. I don't think there was anyone who really expected another miracle. There was a sense of relief that this three plus year long battle was winding down. That hospice finally was there for us and pulled out all the stops with skill and compassion and understanding. That I was accepting and able to let my beloved Gene go and continue my life alone.
I don't now what else to say. Whatever time my Gene and I have together will not be wasted. I again can feel his tender arms around me. We can laugh and cry and make more precious memories. And my book is getting thicker all the time. Whether it's days, weeks or months, thy will be done.
Thank you all for being there; your words brought tears and a sense of peace.