A funny story for everyone

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Keriamon
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Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 2976
   Posted 7/29/2008 12:24 PM (GMT -7)   
So I will laugh at myself.  I was thinking of you all last night!
 
Yesterday I had a poopy day.  Don't know if other people have this kind of day, but everytime I went to pee yesterday, I had a little poop.  Never needed to go to the bathroom to specifically have a poop, but while I'm here (and in that position), I think I will have one.  They were all formed, so it's not diarrhea.   
 
Of course, I have a bile problem, so these constant little poops come with the constant little irritation from excess bile in the poop.
 
So on my way home, I stop at the grocery store and I'm walking all around.  After walking around enough, it comes to my attention that my poor bumhole, which has been subjected to the acid wash all day, is irritatated.
 
Any of you with hemmroids (which I also have--internal--so it may have been them more than the hole) know where this is going.  I get an itch.  The more I walk, the more I itch.  Of course, there's no way you can scratch THAT in a store (especially one with signs about having closed-circuit security cameras)!
 
When I get into the car, the itch goes away (good, because it's hard to scratch in my little car!).  But when I get home and start carrying the groceries in, I can finally scratch and scratch and scratch in peace!  But I was just thinking at the store, only the people on the IBS board will know what it's like to need to scratch your bumhole in public! 
 
Speaking of things that put me in mind of you all, The Vermont Country Store has two products that could be helpful for people with IBS.  One is a special sort of footstool that you use when you are on the toilet.  This puts you in a position more akin to squatting, which is supposed to be easier on your bowels.  I have seen other people make this comment--squatting is good--and have even seen other people recommend some sort of stool to put your feet up on when you are on the toilet, so this isn't just one product trying to sell you something.  It's made to fit up against the toilet, out of the way when you use it, which is it's main benefit over a cheap plastic stool you could get from the Dollar Tree (it's also slanted, so a slanted surface may be better than a flat one).  This would be best for people with constipation.
 
The second product is a hand-held bidet.  You just attach it to the pipe where water comes into the toilet (no plumber necessary, so long as you know how to cut your own water off before installing!) and it has a little handle on it sort of like they have for seltzer in a bar.  Just push a button and get a stream of water to wash your bum with.  This is best for people who have D and get irritated by toilet paper. 

Marsky
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1956
   Posted 7/29/2008 1:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Keriamon - been there, done that too - I hate that painful, itchy feeling that you cannot relieve when in public. If I even attempt to do it in my house and am caught by one of my daughters (I have clothes on ya know...LOL), they give me such a hard about it! But you have instant relief. This is why I take baths, over showers, a lot. Even though we have a hot tub (which it's too hot right to use anyway). In the winter my hubby's always saying - use the hot tub, it will make you sleepy before bedtime (and of course save us $). But truthfully, I need to soak my bumhole, as you say and you can't do that in a hot tub. And besides, I always feel kinda gross so the bath is my private soak!

That hand held bidet sounds nice to have. I still use my plastic sitz bath once or twice a week. There are many nights when I know one of my daughters is taking an evening shower so I don't want to drain the hot water before their showers, so I opt for a sitz bath instead. So I can also sleep!

I always think - what did people do 100 years ago, when they used out houses and took baths once a week? At first, you have to wonder about people with IBS back then. But then, I realize 100 years ago, foods were home grown, canned and didn't have preservatives so perhaps IBS didn't even exist back then.

Like you, when I have a poopy day, I go each time I pee but before I go to sleep, I have to feel clean again. I never sleep well if my "bumhole" as you call it, is sole and irritated. But boy does it feel so good to scratch that one of a kind itch! Makes you also realize what babies must feel like. I joke, I go as much as a newborn baby somedays....

Oh the life we lead.....sigh.

Keriamon
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 2976
   Posted 7/29/2008 3:50 PM (GMT -7)   
100 years ago, people weren't afraid to use cloth scraps for toilet paper, so that took care of some of the irritation problems from toilet paper (although the Sears and Roebuck catalog was also popular as toilet paper!).

I don't know about 100 years ago, but diarrhea was not uncommon in the middle ages. They were more likely to pick up bad bacteria than we are in the Western World, especially men on campagin. The Black Prince of England died before he could take the throne due to reoccuring bloody flux. I think it was before Agincourt that nearly the entire English army came down with dysentery and many died from it. Many of the ones that could still walk took their hose off (they wore these instead of pants) and had on nothing but their underwear so they could go faster. They'd just stop on the side of the road and go. Shat their way through France!

They also used cloth as toilet paper, by the way. They've excevated what they know was a latrine hole in London. People would not only throw their cloth wipes down the hole but pretty much anything else that was trash.

thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 7/29/2008 8:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh thank God I'm not the only one! I have had hemeroids every since I got pregnant and they only got worse after labor. They were the size of Lima beans!!! I know, gross. But I have found a scratch when you cant solution. This is kinda gross also but hey, it might help someone. I do kegal excercises when my bum itches. Somehow it scratches the itch. And I also have that preperation h handy at all times. Oh, and another thing is, they have these Witch Hazel cleansing pads and I sometimes ring one out really good and stick it to my bum. That usually soothes pretty well. But you have to make sure to ring it out really well or it will end up itching more.
Rachel
"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man"  -Casting Crowns


Marsky
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1956
   Posted 7/30/2008 6:52 AM (GMT -7)   
My surgeon suggested kegels! He said it might help me hold my stool in longer (since my sigmoid is just about gone now).

Good idea, I had forgotten I did that, early on after post op.

FitzyK23
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 4219
   Posted 7/30/2008 10:21 AM (GMT -7)   
I was just scratching in my lunch room on my break. Luckily I was eating alone and could view the door and make sure no one was coming in. I used to run track and a friend taught me to bend down like I was tying my shoe and put my bum on the heal of my shoe while I tie it. Good for getting a quick scratch of female parts too. Running track everything gets sweaty and scratching is necessary. The shoe trick makes it much more lady like.
26 Year old married female law student (last year!!). Diagnosed w/ CD 4 years ago, IBS for over 10 years before that, which was probably the CD. I am sort of lactose intollerant too but can handle anything cultured and do well w/ lactose pills and lactaid. For crohns I am currently on Pentasa 4 pills/4x day and hysociamine prn. I also have bad acid reflux and have been on PPI's since age 13. I have been through prilosec, prevacid, and nexium. Currently I am on Protonix in the morning and Zantac at night. I also take a birth control pill to allow some fun in my life.


Lady Frog
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 139
   Posted 7/30/2008 11:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Fitzy, I used to do the shoe trick all the time. I tend to sit on my feet to start with so no one is any the wiser as to why. I used to hate finals in college because while my teachers were ok for the most part about me needing to use the bathroom during class they didn't want me leaving the room during exams. Thankfully I had all afternoon classes and I was usually done running to the bathroom by class. But some days nothing felt better then going to the English wing's bathroom( the least used bathroom in the building) and using a cold wet paper towel to soothe my poor abused rear.

Keriamon
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 2976
   Posted 7/30/2008 1:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Here's another funny poop story for you.

We have a single stalk of wheat and a single stalk of corn growing in our horse pasture. Apparently people with IBS aren't the only ones who poop and have bits of food in their stools! Maybe if we all pooped in a composting toilet we'd end up growing our own bell peppers and tomatoes and the like, ROFL!

eihcet
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 52
   Posted 7/30/2008 1:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh the stuff we share.  BTW, The disposable wet wipes are pretty good.  Don't need to use every time so not that expensive.  They rid of stuff that paper doesn't reach / work on, and you can use in places where there are no bidet's or other water sources to wet the paper with. 

Marsky
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1956
   Posted 7/30/2008 2:20 PM (GMT -7)   
How about a good hard chair? LOL

My family knows when I'm having lots of trouble but I'm trying to get through watching a weekly TV show, or a movie we have rented.

I'm the one sitting in the back of our basement recliners (all facing our big screen TV), on an old kitchen maple chair. Farting away and squirming about, because I'm so uncomfortable!

I only do this with my immediate family. If a guest comes over to join us, I just have to skip. And then of course we tell that person - oh yeah, Mary's sick tonight.....by sick, we mean - sick for 9 years now!

Listen, if we all didn't find some humor in this daily struggle, we'd go crazy!

Mary/Marsky

thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 7/31/2008 7:07 AM (GMT -7)   
This is all so gross but I am so glad that we do find humor in our problems. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks this is kinda funny. I try to put a humorous spin on everything bad. It makes it easier to bear!
Rachel
"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man"  -Casting Crowns


worsenow!!!
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 208
   Posted 8/2/2008 3:30 PM (GMT -7)   
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this site is bloody hilarious. Like all you guys after years of bowel problems i got told it was ibs. it wasn't they ended taking my large colon away, for sever slow transit, and guess what i never get a properly formed stoll, ( no haemorhoids you'd think) yeh right, my ass is still the same as ever, and as for itching, hell you do just scratch, i think i have tried everything i could think of when in public to get rid of it, i try wiggling my ass in a certain way lol, and still doesn't relieve!!! I also try all the creams, ointments, and suppositries, but found they all burned!!! it was like putting a bell pepper chilli right on up there!!!!! now i use petroleum jelly. It soothes, cools and lubricates, so no rubbing of the nasty little grape looky-likeys. I guess it is somthing we all have to live with eh? hope all you guys are great, and thanks everyone for making me laugh if only for a wee while xxxx

jt80
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 333
   Posted 8/3/2008 9:39 AM (GMT -7)   
LOL that was so funny to read I'm trying myself to find humor in with my IBS but there is something in me that feels it's just gross I need to stop thinking that way cause I'm not gross.I really want to just laugh at myself when I have to fart lol but it's so hard to when at times it's uncomfortable.You know what so funny I will not fart where I'm at if I'm at home I always go in the bathroom to pass it cause I feel after I do that is where it belongs in the bathroom to linger lol but I always spray the airfresh lol.I know IBS has effected my mental state cause I think passing gas where I'm at someone will smell it lol it's so crazy I just think someone will pinpoint it to me lol.Oh last night I had a real bad case do to taking Bennefiber chewable tablets I was feeling so gassy throughout the day then at night when I was ready for bed I could not sleep.I ended up taking two Gas-X capsules and taking those for me just lets them out so easily after a few minutes I went in the bathroom and just let it rip lol I just felt better oh and another thing I do I turn on the water in the tub to drown out the sound lol thinking my neighbors might hear when I let it rip lol.I really get technical over this lol I would love to eliminate the excessive gas that I get but for now I deal.Your story made me just laugh and say I'm not the only one I really need to find humor in my IBS cause it will be good for my mental and physical state cause thinking so negatively will make things worse, thank you. :-) yeah

Post Edited (jtaurus) : 8/3/2008 10:42:29 AM (GMT-6)


Gretchen1
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 3459
   Posted 8/3/2008 3:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Wow! What an awesome thread.  Thanks so much for the good laugh.  I was giggling all over the place.  I am sorry for snooping but the subject caught my eye - I am always up for a funny story.  I don't have IBS.  I have MS and due to some spinal lesions I have slow transit.  I have to use all sorts of supplements and such to poop.  This makes me so gassy.  Luckily I have both dogs and teenage boys I can blame it on lol.  Thanks again for the fun.  Best wishes.

Gretchen       co-moderator MS board       diagnosed with MS July 2006


Keriamon
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 2976
   Posted 8/4/2008 7:14 AM (GMT -7)   
My husband and I were having a discussion on farting a couple of weeks ago. He said something he ate the night before gave him terrible gas and he kept having to get up and go to the men's room to fart. I laughed and said, wouldn't you know it, I had a little bit of that problem myself, but I have my own office, so I can fart where I am (although I do have to keep them quiet since I sit on a hall and wouldn't want anyone to hear)! Thankfully, I have much less stinky farts than I did when I was a kid, so there's rarely any smell to worry about, and since I have a heater in my office (they try and freeze us out year-round), it dissipates it real quick.

Gretchen1
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 3459
   Posted 8/4/2008 8:00 AM (GMT -7)   
I am a fifth grade teacher and I share my "office" with 32 ten and eleven year olds.  As long as I keep it quiet, I can pass gas as I wander around the room.  I do try to use the empty/open areas in my room.  My students just assume it is one of their classmates.  I see them glaring and fanning the air.  It is very hard to not laugh.  My gas is not too bad as long as I have avoided meats and cheese and the usual offenders.  I am pretty much a complex carb and veggie person due to the slow motility.  Thanks again for letting me share on this hilarious thread.

Gretchen       co-moderator MS board       diagnosed with MS July 2006


Marsky
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1956
   Posted 8/4/2008 8:28 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm sorry to say I've blamed gas on others too, especially kids (or dogs).

If you admit it was you, people look at you, then your gut and ask - what the heck have you been eating?

The worst gas I ever let rip was in the car. My youngest daughter had a club meeting and I was having a very bad day(D). I barely had time to drop her off, before the next bathroom trip. As we left, I had to relieve some gas. It was so bad, she had her head out the window, it was the middle of the winter. Reminded me of when dogs stick their heads out the window. She kept it that way until we got to her school. She told me it was worse than the middle of the summer when you drive by a sewer grate and can barely breathe!

Keriamon
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 2976
   Posted 8/4/2008 9:24 AM (GMT -7)   
My dad + salsa = terrible farts!

Of course, being your typical male, he's not embarrassed to let one rip!

Marsky
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1956
   Posted 8/4/2008 11:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Keriamon - LOL! I'm sure your dad avoids it? I'm also guessing you do not cook Mexican meals when he visits!

I'm always reluctant to eat before seeing a movie, play or attending a concert where you're packed in tight with other people, to your left, to your right, etc. If you pass gas, it has nowhere to go but to someone else's nose. These are the times I really try to control (by avoiding meals). I recall attending some school event in an old auditorium (picture small movie theater, with tight aisles and knee space, opposite of new movie theaters built today). Naturally we had the seats in the very middle of a long aisle. I swear but my gut did a one-two when I saw where our seats were located. It was winter and people had coats, hats, gloves to find places for too. Each time you asked someone to let you out, they glared at you. I don't even know how I made it thru this event. I think half-way thru I ended up excusing myself and listening from the lobby. If I remember correctly, it was for an orchestra concert.

Now I ask for seats near the aisle and my family knows, I want the very end seat.

Years ago, I used to wonder why people wouldn't scoot down (church, if seats are not assigned). I think now I know why they want the end seat - to cut out early? Not always out of boredom....LOL

worsenow!!!
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 208
   Posted 8/5/2008 2:24 AM (GMT -7)   
****, this is just the best topic ever!! no one is ashamed or embarrassed, brilliant. Well since tthey removed my large colon, boy do i stink. Before surgery hardly ever farted, if i did no smell!!! now 1 year post op, i am awful. 1998 i went to greek island of corfu and they emptied their drains daily to take to the local sewar, every day i am taking back to that wonderful holiday. Yes i have become a greek sewar, yeh me. God help all passes me at the wrong time!!! lol But i  have noticed that the smell somehow becomes trapped, as i have went outside a room to pass, then walked back in 5 mins later and lo and behold my hubby turns a weird shade of green!! yeh the little blighters follow me! maybe they like my company???? tongue

Keriamon
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 2976
   Posted 8/5/2008 10:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Worsenow, I wonder if chlorophyll capsules would help you? They market them for people with bad breath, but I have heard that when dogs eat grass (also full of chlorophyll) they have better-smelling farts!

It was so funny this morning. I'm in bed by myself, trying to get woken up and the cat's on the bed too. He starts towards me about the time I let out an usually loud (for me) fart and he sort of backs away from me and is looking around, like "What was that?!?"

Of course, his farts are always silent, but you talk about bringing a tear to your eye--cat food farts!

Marsky
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1956
   Posted 8/5/2008 10:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Does anyone have odd sounding farts? As in before all your troubles, do they now sputter out? Or sound like something besides a fart? I know this is going to sound odd but I am physically different, internally since my sigmoid is virtually gone now. Sometimes I have these farts that I can't control and I've been told they sound like fire crackers, or as if I stepping on something and breaking it. Gosh, this is so hard to explain but I hate this phase too. If I'm in the kitchen, I just start the stove exhaust fan, to disguise the sound. Or start the washing machine, which is nearby (I can always find a load to do in this house, I just start filling the machine up!).

Anyway, I'm having them this week. We have a family reunion to attend Thursday thru Sunday. I'd better develop a cough or something, to cover up the sound!

worsenow!!!
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 208
   Posted 8/5/2008 2:48 PM (GMT -7)   
keriamon-have to admit never heard of those pills!!! is it a US made pill? maybe not licensed over here in the UK.
Marsky- i do sound odd and have to admit funny, sometimes machine gun-esque noises, especially first thing in the morning!!!
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