Oh Lord now this!!!

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jt80
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 333
   Posted 8/21/2009 5:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey everyone my days have not been good what's new now all of a sudden I've been feeling constipated really feeling like I need to have a good bm to feel better and comfortable.I do not know where this came from just all of a sudden this sucks,it's reminding me of when I really used to deal with chronic constipation more then the dreaded D in a way I should be happy but I'm not.When I get constipated like this I get lots of trapped gas I just want to be able to take a good you know what.This heat needs to leave or it just needs to rain like something fierce I'm so mad right now frustrated getting mad at God but I know he does not want me to go through this but I just need him to help me out some.I really need to take a good laxative dam I'm mad at myself for spending my dam money on take out I could of easily gone and bought a box.I also hate this anxiety that I'm feeling it's just making things worse,I really dont want to live this way anymore!!!! I hate this dam why did I let my life turn out this way!!!! I cant find humor in this at all!!!! there is nothing funny to me about what I go through.My life has turned out bad I'm miserable not happy at all I just want God to take this away!!!! I'm 29yr old I'm to young!!!! to handsome!!!!! to be going through this!!!!!! I cant take this I've been sitting at home alone for seven years with no improvment in what I go through.Nothig that will get me back out there having fun and enjoying my life this sucks!!!! I dont know what do with myself I'm going crazy I've never had a personality of keeping to myself I do not want to accept that this is my life!!!!! People tell me when I feel like this to pray or read my bible but what is it going to do really I want a quick fix I just want to feel like myself again.I sit here while the devil is messing with my mind reminding me of the life I used to have I sit here daydreaming of spending time with my friends like at a restaurant,club or amusement park.It makes me sick to my stomach and sooo angry life is about living it to it's fullest and enjoying everyday that you have but I cant really do that!!!!! when I'm home confined to the bathroom.I'm expecting a miracle from God only he can heal me or Jesus one of them lol.I'm just so lonely it hurts to my soul I want and need companionship I just do not want a relationship with my friends over the phone.I also miss my sibling dearly we used to be so close before everything went bad for me I miss spending time with her.I cant get myself to have her around me cause of fear I'll have my symtoms act up infront of her,she says it does not bother her but I do not want her to see me go through what I go through I just dont want to feel pity from her.Lol oh wow I just noticed why do I type out one long ass paragraph all the time when I post that's not what I learned in spelling and grammer classes lol.I just want to just be happy I deserve happiness my days are mostly consumed infront of the tv or computer or listening to the radio.I want companionship but my anxiety prevents me from feeling normal around people my life is pathetic,I ask God all the time why he still has me on this earth?
 
 
This is getting ridiculous I got to start a new paragraph lol guys please remind me to type out paragraphs so I can get good at doing this the right way lol.I want to be someone I want to know my purpose in life!!!!! I want to travel to places!!!! I want to spend time with my friends and have fun!!!! I have not a fun filled summer in seven years!!!!! I dont want to focus on the negative but there is nothing positive about my life I want to know real love!!!! I want to date!!!! I want to be affectionate with someone I care about!!! without feeling like I might need to constantly use the bathroom!!!! lol.
 
 
Sex lol sex has been totally out the question for me I would say in the last seven years I've rarely had it lol.I can never feel comfortable enough to follow through with it that sucks!!!! I ask myself who is going to want me? who is going to want to be with me knowing that I go through this? my fear is being rejected.I want to go to church but it's hard for me to get to a morning service casuse I go through my symptoms in the morning.I need God to pull me out of this situation!!! I need him to heal me and make things better in my life!!!! is'nt that what he says he'll do? I want to just feel at peace and happy and loved!!!!! I want to smile everyday!!!! and not frown for the rest of my life!!!! my smile is to beautiful to be kept from others!!!! lol not trying to be conceited or anything but I have a nice smile I need to smile more. I just want to love my life again!!! you know what I dont think I ever loved my life I've just had so many truamatic thing happen one after another.I deserve to be blessed with good things to happen to me!!!!!!! I'm to good of a person to be kept from the world!!!!!
 
 
 
I have so many goals that I want to accomplish and dreams that I want to be lived out in my life it's ridiculous of how much I want to do in my life.I'm going to be thirty next year!!!!! I feel like my twenties went to waste and I want my thirties to be better then my twenties!!!! I want my thirties to make up for what I did not do in my twenties!!!!!! I want good things to happen for me nothing but good blessings throughout my thirties!!!!! All I know is I'm going to continue to pray hard harder then I've ever prayed that I'll be happy for the rest of my life!!!! not garunteed for the rest of my life but for a good while.I love you guys and keep you all in my prayers and I hope you all will do the same,all I know is when I come out of this deep down inside I knowl I will fight for those who are going through what we go through to have happiness in our lives!!!!!

finallyfree
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 8/21/2009 8:16 PM (GMT -7)   
jt80,
 
It breaks my heart that you are so sad.  Life is way too short and there is so much to live for to be so sad all the time.  Are you taking any antidepressants?  These might help you get through this difficult time until you find a dr who is able to help you and you will; always know that there is a dr somewhere that will be able to help you.
 
I too have had a crappy life and many medical issues.  I married at 18 because my ex-husband (who was 5 years older) was living 5 hours away & I wanted to go live where he was.  This was the early 80's and my parents didn't believe in living together so they said I would have to marry him or I couldn't go, I guess they didn't think we would get married, well we did.  Anyway, after a year away we moved back and my husband who was a partier, jumped on a train with a buddy & lost one leg above the knee & one leg straight down, with just his ankle left.  I was now just 20 yrs old with a husband without legs and having to learn to walk again.  After seven weeks in the hospital & 10 surgeries, he was fitted with new legs & eventually learn to drive a standard dump truck as a new job.  But he continued to drink and later started using many different drugs.  I was determined that I could change him & even thought having children would help so we had 2 girls after 6 & 8 years into our marriage but he continued to party while I continued to support the family.  Needless to say we eventually lost everything we had, our home, our car, our credit-due to his lack of resposibility and lack of growing up. After 13yrs I left him & moved in with my parents, the girls were 4 & 6.  I started college full-time the next week and changed the shift at my job from days to nights so I would see the girls when they were home from school.  I finished my bachelor's degree in 4 years!!! got a job teaching & started my master's degree.  I started dating a wonderful man a couple of years after I started college.  We married almost  7 yrs later, from the following yr on, I have been sick, gall-bladder,pancreatitis, severe abdominal pain that ended up being severe adhesions where my stomach was in a ball adhered to my chest, my liver all adhered to my ribs and my sigmoid colon to my pelvis. I was diagnosed with severe IBS-C after a prep for a colonoscopy stayed in my system for 10 days.  I took all kinds of meds for C.  I saw 5 different GI drs and was taking 17 different meds at  one time.   I had 2 knee surgeries & need a replacement but a car accident tore my rotator cuff & I had to have that fixed first & then I needed a colectomy for my constipation. I had had kidney stones removed every year for the past 4 years & this past year have had 6 kidney surgeries.  I've also had 6 kiney drs. One almost killed me in May because he failed to realize I had a severe intestion infection.  I ended up with a tube draining urine from my kidney for 8 weeks and a 12 inch stent aftward for 6 weeks.  I have missed over 180 teaching days since 2003, that's a whole school year!!!!!  This was supposed to be the first year I was healthy because I had the colectomy last year & then I had the kidney issue and missed school from May on.  My school want me to pay back 29 days to them;  but through ALL of this,  I have ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS had a positive attitude.  It's the ONLY thing that has gotten me through all of this.  I haven't taken any antidepressants but am not against using them, I feel they are very helpful.  I know that it is extremely difficult and is sooooooo hard to keep going through things every day, day after day; but you have to keep going and you can  never give up.  I always said I would find someone to help me and I didn't take any crap from drs.  I traveled 6 hrs away to one GI dr & he sent me 3 hrs away so it would be closer & that is where all of my drs are now except my primary dr who is very supportive of me going out of town. It's hard to feel positive when you hurt but try to find your inner soul and fight each and every day to get some one to help you; it's what has helped me and it's what has gooten me through all of this.
 
You are so worthy of having a good life and to feel healthy.  Fight the fight and know that I will be here to support you.
 
Judy
 
 
Judy
 
spleen/appendix/gall bladder-removed/endometriosis/complete hysterectomy at 29/sinus surgery/numerous allergies & asthma/chronic kidney stones/ pancreatitis 3x's/2 knee surgeries-now need replacement/bunion & 2 neuroma surgeries/shoulder surgery w/ pins-which also froze following surgery/severe adhesions & scar tissue-stomach to chest-liver to ribs-colon to pelvis/severe IBS w/ constipation/subtotal colectomy 7/08/ c difficile
 
Am now down from 17 meds a day to 8 and VERY healthy:)
 
There's always hope and things will get better :)


jt80
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 333
   Posted 8/21/2009 9:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Judy thank you for shareing you have been through more then I have but I can tell your a survivor.I am on anti-depressents but I guess they are not helping much as they used to in the begining.I'm trying so hard to feel better but my body is not coroperating like I want it to.Things were going good for a bit where I was able to tolerate things cause my symptoms were somewhat undercontrol with eating the foods I needed to eat.For some strange reason things have just been going downhill and I cant seem to come back up.What really hurts and is bothering me is that my best friend past away a few years ago and after his passing it's really hurt me a lot.I kind of gave up my normal life that I had to spend time with him his friends were different from my friends when I spent time with him and his other friends I was able to relate to them well and left the friends that I originally had to hang with him.I had a new life hanging with him and that crowd of people and things were going fine and I was happy till things started going bad for me.Then losing him topped off everything bad that's happened to me and it hurts I have not healed really from his passing.


I try to find the good in my life but it's hard to I was going to therapy but that was not really going anywhere.I thought it was but not really I would talk about my feelings and what was really the problem which is the IBS,and I would end up back going through what I hate the most.I've said it's going to take a miracle to feel like my old self well not a miracle but something to feel better.I have been thinking about going to a new GI doctor cause I've said I'm very unhappy with him he does not really care about my situation.I will take your advice and look for that doctor that may be the answer,other then that I was feeling better still feeling constipated got hungry ate now kind of have an upset stomach and a bit of heart burn.

I'm about ready for bed going to take a nice cold shower hopefully that rushing running water over my body will wash my emotional baggae of the day.I'm just going to stand under that cool crisp water and close my eyes and just let it wash away the remnents of the day lol.Thank you Judy again for your concern and kind words please keep me in your prayers and I will do the same for you and everybody else.I'm going to pray extra hard tonight and hopefully sleep my worries away and wake up refreshed and fianally able to have some good hearty bms lol sending my love take care. :-)

Post Edited (jt80) : 8/21/2009 10:08:45 PM (GMT-6)


finallyfree
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 8/22/2009 5:32 PM (GMT -7)   
jt80,
 
So glad to hear you feeling a little bit more positive.  I too lost my best friend in the middle of all of this illness but it wasn't a girlfriend, it was my Dad.  I'm the only girl in my family and have three brothers.  My parents married very young, they were 16 & 17 and had all 4 of us kids by the time they were 23 & 24.  They basically grew up with us.  I was extremely close with my Dad, not some much with my Mom.  He was a friend to everyone, always helped everyone and was always laughing and telling a joke.  He died 4 days after his 58th birthday of a massive heart attack.  It changed my life and my girls life overnight.  He was their lifeline too as we had moved in with my parents after I left my ex husband and they were 4 & 6 at the time.  We stayed with them for 5 years and after we moved out on our own he used to pick them up every day and drive them to school. He always went to their dance recitals and school concerts and everything else when their own Dad never went to anything; he was everything to them.  So I turned more to my boyfriend who is now my husband and turned more inward faith wise but didn't express it outwardly; no one knew how much faith I had/have.  I withdrew from most of my friends and really didn't do much of anything with anyone. I spent most of the time being sick. I have opened up to a few people, they are my husband and a couple of very close friends from work.  I also see a person who is a kinesiologist and also works with you on emotional repatterning, stress release, reflexology,  and nutrition. She uses essential oils and is spirtually based but does push it; only talks about it if you do.  She has helped me tremendously and we have become very good friends.
 
I am a very strong person and know that I have a true purpose, one being teaching young children and the other is to reach out to help people who are having medical difficulties as I have.  I know that you can and will get through this.  People will come and go in your lifetime and that is okay, they make you the person you are, you learn about yourself through them and grow from that experience.  Keep walking forward, "baby steps" each and every day and you will meet "true people" who will make such an impact on your life and be your lifelong soulmates who will stand by you through EVERYTHING that you go through.  You won't realize who they they until one day they are consistantly by your side.  Don't focus one what you don't have, find a new dr and be determined to get better so that you will know who these friends are in your life; they are there.
 
Smile, say a pray and know that I am praying for you too:)
Judy  
 
 
Judy
 
spleen/appendix/gall bladder-removed/endometriosis/complete hysterectomy at 29/sinus surgery/numerous allergies & asthma/chronic kidney stones/ pancreatitis 3x's/2 knee surgeries-now need replacement/bunion & 2 neuroma surgeries/shoulder surgery w/ pins-which also froze following surgery/severe adhesions & scar tissue-stomach to chest-liver to ribs-colon to pelvis/severe IBS w/ constipation/subtotal colectomy 7/08/ c difficile
 
Am now down from 17 meds a day to 8 and VERY healthy:)
 
There's always hope and things will get better :)

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