OT: living in sin, anyone?

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Sarita
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Date Joined Mar 2005
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   Posted 1/3/2006 5:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Anyone have advice for me before I move in with my boyfriend?  It's a relatively recent pairing (about 8-10 weeks now) but it seems like a natural course for the relationship.  Just wondering if anyone else has done this because I never have (I'm 26, haven't had a serious relationship since about three years ago!).

7Lil
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   Posted 1/3/2006 5:35 PM (GMT -7)   

Wow, Sarita, already?
Did you finally get sick of that roommate of yours?  tongue


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Sarita
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   Posted 1/3/2006 6:37 PM (GMT -7)   

YES, LIL, YES I DID!

Actually the roommate situation has gone downhill fast.  I've realized that she is quite likely manic depressive based on her incredible mood swings, periods of days of high energy (no sleeping, etc.) compared to very depressed moods, tearfulness, manipulative behavior, etc. and it has been no fun.  It is draining and I can't enter my own place without feeling tense and actually sensing my blood pressure rising.  It's seriously loony and I cannot live like that anymore.

Adam, anyway, keeps my blood pressure down! 

He actually needs to vacate his place by the end of the month since it is volunteer housing and his AmeriCorps stint is up...so we figured it would be a good time for this move.  He has very few belongings so that stuff wouldn't be an issue...and, I can afford the rent on my own and my name is on the lease so I wouldn't be up the creek if it didn't work out as planned.


mdgirl
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Date Joined Dec 2005
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   Posted 1/3/2006 6:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, I can't tell you what to do, but if you feel it in your heart, and as long as it's not an implusive move, I say go for it. I'd say be patient, listen, follow your own goals and set plans, and learn to live and love each other. :-) Does he live nearby?
 
Living in sin? Nah....! If so, then I have too w/ my pre-marital relationship! tongue

7Lil
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   Posted 1/3/2006 7:40 PM (GMT -7)   

It's sounds like you have things pretty figured out.... Go for it!  :-)

Seems as though 2006 is going to be a great year for you.  I wish you all the happiness in the world... And lots of love to fill yours and Adam's igloo.  yeah


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dbab
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   Posted 1/4/2006 6:13 AM (GMT -7)   
I wish you lots of happiness Sarita. I see that Adam has been doing good for you healthwise. Thats wonderful.

I lived with my boyfriend (now husband) since I was 18. We had a son and 7 years later got married LOL. So I may be a little bias but I don't see anything wrong with it. It would be more about your individual beliefs. Just follow your heart and everything will fall into place. :)
Hugs, Des
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Sarita
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   Posted 1/4/2006 11:50 AM (GMT -7)   

Thanks for the well wishes, everyone!  Mandi, quite coincidental there...I'm really glad it's worked out for you.  I've actually been surprised at how encouraging many of my friends/family are...no one has reacted negatively to the news.  Even though I haven't told my parents, who will likely flip their lids.  I'll be telling them soon, I suppose.  Here goes nothin'!

about a week ago I had one of my bad pain nights where the pain came to me right out of the blue while cooking dinner.  Had to kneel on the floor a bit to catch my breath, then walked around a bit doing the whole deep-breathing hoopla, listened to a funky CD to try to take my mind off it, took some Bentyl, etc.  Adam hadn't seen that before but reacted just as I hoped he would: he didn't say anything, just petted the top of my head for a while, put some water on the burner for tea, and sat with me on the couch while I held a heating pad to my tum-tum.  When I eventually needed to take some hydrocodone he didn't even flinch when I started rambling on like I typically do when that stuff hits me.  I love the fact that he is so relaxed about the situation because it helps keep my mind off it.  Although I know that if I did need the hospital at any point, he'd be right there with me.  That being said, I've broken a record - two months without the hospital!


7Lil
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   Posted 1/4/2006 12:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Woo hoo! Looks like Adam is not only impacting your heart, but your guts too. Hopefully the hospital trips are over. :-)
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Ides
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   Posted 1/4/2006 3:35 PM (GMT -7)   
My man and I decided to marry after knowing one another for only 3 weeks! We moved in together when we had been together just four weeks. We married 5 months later. Everyone said it would never last, too quick, don't know each other well enough, etc. This coming June we celebrate 30 years of marriage. Sometimes you just "know."
CD, Ankylosing Spondylitis, connective tissue disease,
asthma, PAD, peripheral neuropathy
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Keriamon
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   Posted 1/5/2006 10:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Staurt and I were together almost 2 years before I moved in with him. I didn't really want to move in with because I really didn't want to live in Murfreesboro and work in Nashville and he had been wanting to move down to where I live, but things just didn't work out that way and it ended up that I was able to move up to be with him. I have to admit, I'm old-fashioned and the whole living together before marriage thing had me embarrassed (still am to some extent), but I was pining away for him during the weekdays (since we lived an hour and a half apart), and I just couldn't bear to be away from him any longer. So now I've been living with him a year and a couple of months now. No more pining (although I do resent time spent away from him because of work and a long commute). We'll be celebrating our third anniversary in February. I'm giving him until then to propose before I start nagging, lol. I've already been darkly joking about him ruining my virtue and me being a shamed woman and all that. I'm ready to be married. Been ready since a couple of months after we started dating, lol. The thing I worry about the most is marrying our finances, even though he's pretty level-headed and has no debt other than a house. I may have to be in control of the bank account since I like to track everything and think about money and plan ahead (like years at a time, lol).

It took some time for me to be comfortable around Stuart, mainly because I hadn't been around a man before. I was all self-conscious, holding in farts, that sort of thing (I'm still a discreet pooter). But if you and Adam are relaxed around each other already, then you should be okay moving in together. Just keep your fianances completely separate. No joint accounts of any kind, no co-signing loans. Whatever place you get, make sure you can afford it on your own or can afford it long enough to get a roomie or can get out of it if you end up stuck with it. Don't co-buy anything you would hate to lose in a "divorce." All that sounds ugly when love and trust is involved, but I'm a child of divorce and Stuart's been divorced (and frequently laments something of his that disappeared in the supposedly equitable divorce settlement), so there's no harm in being cautious. Marriage first, password to my bank account second, lol.

I feel for you with the roommate thing. My best friend in college and I were roommates until our spring semester our sophmore year, then she fell completely apart. Not that she was all together to being with, mind you, but in hindsight I can see that she was probably bi-polar. I lasted longer than any of her other friends, but at a year and a half, that's not such a good track record. She threw away a perfectly good guy who would have been so good for her if she would have just let go and listened to him and let him do what was best for her. She wasn't stable enough to be in charge of herself. He happened to be named Adam as well. Must be a trait associated with that name. Like the fact that an unusually high proportion of dentists are named "Dennis", lol.

bunnybabe
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Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 263
   Posted 1/5/2006 12:17 PM (GMT -7)   
good for you sarita!
(on all levels)
i lived with my now husband for 3 years before we eloped--my parents hated it. but i think it was the best and only route. i actually would encourage people to live together first--that way you get all the weirdo idiosyncrisis out before you settle down.
the only thing is, to talk and plan out the finances... money is hard--no matter how much you love each other.
best of luck, and enjoy the ride...
--bunny
(and only you can judge on "how fast" something is going... it is your life)
what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?


softy
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Date Joined Jun 2004
Total Posts : 798
   Posted 1/5/2006 8:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey girl. Here's my relationship story. When I was 19 my now hubby and I were both forced to vacate our homes and moved in together after knowing each other for a real short time. 17 years of marriage later we're doing great. I think sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I really hope it works out for you two Sarita, that would be so awesome. Take care of yourself and I wish you the bestest :-)
Take care, Softy
 


7Lil
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   Posted 1/20/2006 12:26 PM (GMT -7)   
So Sarita, give us an update....  tongue
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Sarita
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   Posted 1/20/2006 12:47 PM (GMT -7)   

Yeehaw, it's fun!  Adam does the dishes (score!) on a regular basis while I usually am the one to cook (and he remembers to compliment my food, big bonus).  We bought a positively gargantuan English Ivy plant that is like our child.  We are both just the right amount of neat-freak mixed with occasional slovenliness.  He loves the cats.  We've been cross-country skiing several nights and the other nights we head to the gym and he helps me hone my four-pack tongue  while I try to make him laugh while he's doing the plank on the floor.  Yes, life is good.  Of course, I've also noticed his bizarre idiosyncracies, like how ADHD he is with music in the car; the man can't listen to more than one song on a CD before changing it!  I give him some good-natured crap about that; at least he can laugh at himself.  Then we had a "discussion" the other night after I witnessed his first major mood swing (origin difficult to pinpoint, but we figured it out eventually) and when I called him on it, he actually stepped up to the plate and apologized for acting like a toddler.  I was pretty impressed by that.

So yes, it continues to go well, I just wonder...not everyone is as optimistic as you have been (there are some severely damaged goods up here in Alaska, and I know several of them!) and they have me chewing my nails, despite my best intentions not to, about where it will end up.  "Oh, you moved too quickly," or "Oh, just wait another two months, you'll see." I haven't had a real relationship for so long, this is very eye-opening!  Can you guys relate some stories about living together?  Tell me some things that have driven you crazy and some things that you can't live without in your relationship. 


7Lil
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Date Joined Apr 2005
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   Posted 1/20/2006 2:23 PM (GMT -7)   
I am so happy to read everything is going well for you and Adam. :-) I wish you all the best.

I live with my sister so I can't really give you any tips about living with a SO. Except, however, make sure to divide the chores evenly and clean up after yourself. My sister is a slob and it is driving me crazy. The other week I left her dishes in the sink until they started stinking. I wanted to prove a point: I AM NOT THE MAID. So finally after the whole kitchen started to smell she did the dishes.
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m&ms
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Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 1/20/2006 7:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Sarita -
I am 31 and moved in with my boyfriend (now husband) when I was pregnant. He is the anal retentive one and obsessed if I so much left a glass on the coffee table for more than an hour. If I weren't pregnant, I probably wouldn't have stuck it thru! Finally I just realized that if you're a slob you can't force your clean counterpart to be sloppy too. Everyone will psycho analyze your relationship because they don't have anything better to do! You just have to decide what you can live with personality wise and don't let their idiosincracies (sp?) get to you. EVERYONE has their annoying habits! I'd say the most important trick to making it work is to compromise when it really isn't THAT important to you.

Keah
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Date Joined Nov 2003
Total Posts : 7314
   Posted 1/20/2006 11:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Sarita,
I'm so glad to hear that things are going so well for you. Hubby and I knew each other for about 8 years before we started dating. I had gone to HS with his sister, but we didn't hang out together much. I always thought he was cute and he had the most gorgeous blue eyes, but he was always off doing his own thing with his friends.
It didn't take long before he moved in and things went well for a while. Eventually, thoguh, it got tough and we split up. A year later, he needed to move and my friend and I had a 3 BR apt, so we let him move in. He was only supposed to stay for a few months and then get his own place after the holidays, but it worked out well and it was nice to have a 3rd person to split the expenses with.
Eventually, we ended up back together and after 12 years of "living in sin" we tied the knot. We're now married 3 1/2 years and very happy. Although my gut trouble did push us to the brink, getting a Dx and treating it along with a whole lot of counseling saved our marriage. We're hoping to start a family soon (if my gut allows).
I hope that you get such a happy ending too. (((hugs)))
Keah a.k.a. Wormy
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