Post Edited (nickic) : 11/9/2007 4:39:17 PM (GMT-7)
Thank you shortnsweet9, as always.
You know the funny thing? For the past 2-3 days I have been seriously thinking hard about our relationship and the underlying issues regarding his behavior. I have been writing down everything I do not like, what I disagree and disapprove of. This morning I really came to the conclusion that I am going to sit down am talk to him about these issues, and knowing him I figured it would end up in us just going our seperate ways. I have been trying to get myself emotionally prepared.
He lives in Nevada and I live in northern California. He is originally from Los Angeles [8 hours from me] which is only 4 hours from him. I actually lived in L.A. for 2 years. Anyway, Wednesday he decided to take a trip to see a friend who's wife gave birth to their first child. He called saying that after a couple days he wanted to come to me. I haven't spoken to him since Thursday night when he arrived in L.A. I have been such a mess since I joined the forum, my I.B.S. really hit me hard last week and left me feeling hopeless, depressed, unmotivated, the works. To top things off I hurt my back [as mentioned before] so it's double trouble pain. Anyway, so this morning I am telling myself that this could very well be the end and I need to face it. I even write things out a second time. Of course I was a little hurt that he hadn't called to see if I survived my magnesium citrate blow (i was insanely constipated and bloated, I could barely breathe..not overexaggerating ) but, that was just another action that spoke louder.
10:30 am, he calls.
I told him that I needed to know if he was coming because my mother was offering to come and stay with me and if he was coming, then I would just have her not come. I didn't really want her to come stay with me because I know she has a lot to do, but anyhow...
He then asks "well what's wrong? is it your back? or your stomach?" I said my stomach, and he asked what had happened. To be honest, he really sounded concerned. I told him that just everything, I had a rough week and couple of days and it left me drained and feeling depressed, to where I didn't even want to leave the house and didn't want to do anything. You know, lights off, shades down, no t.v. or music scene. For one of the first times he said "Aww baby...but why? " I ended up just saying "Look, you need to understand something. I have IBS and it's not my fault, nor is it yours. But it is something I have to live with. And it takes a lot of energy for me to keep my optimism up and not let it bring me down. If I constantly reminded myself of the things I might not be able to do because of it, then I would be depressed all the time and really never amount to anything. But it gets tiring. And there are times that it gets very bad, and it's unpredictable. By constantly ignoring it and not letting it bother me, the stress can pile up until one day I just lose it. It's going to happen. I have not wanted you to fix anything, and I'm not coming to you or anyone else for solutions because no one, barely even myself, can fix it. All I have ever wanted is compassion and sensitivity. But when you tell me you can't 'handle' it, it makes me feel like you only want me for what I can do to help you. It goes with the whole 'in sickness and in health' aspect of a relationship. I mean you want me to take care of you yes, but what about the time you gazed into my eyes and told me 'I want to take care of you' ?" He responded delicately by first apologizing for his lack of sensitivity, and that yes he wants to take care of me. He went on to explain that he feels pressured by the situation when I am so upset sometimes and he never thoroughly explained it to me. He feels that when he is with me, sometimes for 2 or so weeks at a time, things are pretty normal. And it seems like as soon as he leaves, I get worse. What he doesn't realize is that half the time I might be in discomfort, I just don't say anything and I have him physically there to keep my mind off of it. But it's still there and sometimes feels worse because I feel like I have to hide it (you know, make sure he doesn't here what's going on in the bathroom, for isntance, or feel bad when we go to sleep and I might have some stinkers during the night). So because of his observation, he feels guilty leaving me and feels like he should be there because I might need him too. And when he says that he cannot handle the situation, he supposedly means at the time when I am hysterical, he feels a whirlwind of guilt because he is not physically there and doesn't know what other advice to give. I explained to him that I am not looking for advice or tips on med's to take. All I want is compassion, I am not looking for answers or solutions.
We had to get off because he was using a friend's phone (he lost his charger...typical...but I won't go there) and they were about to go eat. But we concluded with him saying "Well, look honey I'm sorry, I really am and I won't take my frustrations out on you. The last thing I want to do is make you feel worse when you are already in pain and I am truly sorry. I love you.." I think what really put him in this mode before he called was being around his friends and thinking about the issues his buddies have had with their wives. He always tells me that even though we have our issues sometimes, he is so lucky to have someone like me for various reasons that his friend's wives lack in. Often times he will call me up just to tell me how much he appreciates me. That is why when these issues come up with us, I get more pissed off because his anger and pride just block alll of those things out momentarily. But anyway, that was that.
I'm not thoroughly convinced just yet and when he comes, I really am going to sit down and talk with him about these issues. At least give him the benefit of the doubt and give him a choice. Either you want to hear me out and you want to find a solution, or we really have to go our seperate ways. Because as much as he can't handle some of the stress of our relationship, niether can I. I am one of those people that is very open and very good at accepting when I'm wrong or said/did something I shouldn't have. He knows this. I will always hear someone else out and respect a difference of opinion. However, it's a two way street. There is no right or wrong per se in my opinion, there are different perspectives that need to be addressed and you must learn from each other. If you really want to make someone happy, you will think twice about your actions.
So, we'll see. I think he might be coming in a couple of days. I am with my parents for the weekend. I found the strength to get up, shower and drive the 45 minutes. I feel a little better. Though still been weepy. I'm trying not to let my tummy bother me. The mag citrate left me now plugged up and I hate that feeling more than anything.
THanks again gals I had to put that one because it's so funny to me!