IBS Inconsistency??

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
37 posts in this thread.
Viewing Page :
 1  2 
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

nickic
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 11/7/2007 4:00 PM (GMT -7)   
For those suffering from IBS as I am know that "Irritable Bowel Syndrome" is an indecisive term to describe incompetent bowels and their functioning. Most sufferers are able to distinguish between certain foods, for example, that trigger gut issues. However, I am wondering if there is anyone who has inconsistent symptoms and reactions. After almost a year of IBS ups and downs, I am still in the dark about what specifically causes what, since reactions to the same foods change constantly. I could eat the same foods every day for an entire week and then at the end of the week I will have diarrhea out of nowhere.

gutastrophe
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 319
   Posted 11/8/2007 12:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Well, that would be me for sure!  After 20 plus years of trying to discern what foods cause symptoms, I have decided that for me, it's all food.  The digestive process itself is the problem, not the food I injest.  Granted, some things are surely more dangerous than others but I think most folks, even "normal" people, have problems digesting things like beans, corn, raw veggies, fried foods, etc.  After all, the antacid industry is thriving because people react badly to certain foods.  So I don't think there is anything unique to my IBS that is tied to specific foods.
 
All food, or simply the process of eating, causes distress for me.  My goal with diet is to try and eat the foods that will just keep my system working with as little outside intervention as possible.  I've taken every drug on the market and tried countless holistic approaches but at this point, in hindsight, I have come to the conclusion that all these interventions have actually made the condition worse.  I often wonder what would have happened if I had just left my gut alone some 20 odd years ago and tried to allow it to "fix" itself.  This may be magical thinking on my part but I do know for sure that all the "help" I've gotten over the years has only compromised my system even more.  Now, I can't function without some kind of help, even though my goal is to eliminate all natural and synthetic supplements from my life.
 
Obviously, there are folks who have food allergies and folks who can clearly determine which foods set off symptoms.  But I think you will find that even those patterns change.  I can't tell you how many times I've "discovered" the culprit, only to be surprised later that this trouble maker was not the cause. 

nickic
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 11/8/2007 10:28 AM (GMT -7)   
I can definitely relate to the "discovery" instances...of which are always followed by disappointment. Thank you for your advice. Even though it doesn't solve my own problem, it's comforting to hear other people's frustrations with the same thing. Are any of your relationships affected by your IBS? I've often gotten into arguments with my significant other because while I am desperately trying to stay optimistic in life despite the IBS, he will point out that I very well could never accomplish some of my goals because of it. It is like he is trying to bring me back to "reality" which only makes me feel like he is crippling me. The last thing I need is to be reminded of something I am trying not to let bring me down. I'm not in denial, I'm just trying to keep my inner peace in order to have strength to deal with it. It's amazing to me that after all this time, doctors have little interest in trying to at least figure out HOW or WHY this syndrome curses people. Besides the fact that it is a personal nightmare, you can't exactly walk around telling people as if it were Diabetes or Hypertension. Which makes it more difficult to get through social life [both personal and work-related] because you don't want to have to "go there".

Keriamon
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 2976
   Posted 11/8/2007 10:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Yes, sometimes you have weird patterns. I can eat scrambled eggs with meat and cheese added in, but can't eat an omlete with those same ingredients. Bizarre.

Sometimes, it's not a matter of a food being immediately bad, but it being cumulatively bad. So I can eat half of a Red Baron Pizza, or eat fajitas at the Mexican restaurant. But if I eat that same stuff for more than a couple of days in a row, I usually start having problems. The more days in a row, the worse I get. Also, how many bad things you eat a day matters. So while I can tolerate ice cream and pizza and fajitas, if I had each one for each meal of the day, that would be too much.

My husband and I did something we never do about a month ago: we went out to eat twice on the same weekend. And not the Mexican restaurant. I had two variations of the same chicken dish, featuring cheese and either a bit of ham or bacon and spagehtti sauce on top. I had bowel problems come Monday. Bigger portions than I'm used to eating, a lot more meat than I'm used to eating at once, greasier food than I'm used to eating, etc. all combined to make my guts not so happy. So even though I can fix that same thing at home and be fine, the devil is in the details, as they say. I don't make my food so greasy at home, and I don't eat as much, nor do I eat like that every night.

So that can go a ways towards explaining why something works today, but doesn't work tomorrow.

nickic
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 11/8/2007 10:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Keriamon. My issue is that for one, I cook everything. Secondly, my diet is so restricted [mostly due to the IBS] and "clean" that it is baffling to me. My diet consists of egg whites, grilled chicken, tuna, grilled shrimp, lean turkey, oatmeal, wheat bread [not more than 1 per day], apples, blueberries, maaaybe iceberg lettuce [i'm afraid of it irritating me]. I cook with no butter or oil, and veery skim on salt and no sugar. I also drink more than a gallon of water a day, chinese herbal tea [specially formulated] and sometimes chamomile tea. I buy nothing packaged, no cookies, chips, ready-made foods,..nothing. I workout everyday and do deep stretching and yoga/meditation. My diet is a combination of 1. being a personal trainer and nutritionist, and 2. IBS. Leaves little left. So for me to have issues sometimes and none others, is just plain exasperating. I'm going through a new therapy called "Bowen Therapy". It's energy healing mixed with massage. I know I've had a lot of emotional trauma's that have taxed my body and spirit, as much as I have tried to be at peace.

shortnsweet9
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 11/8/2007 11:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi nickic,

It does sound like your diet is restricted and it must be so frustrating to still be dealing with bowel issues. Have you ever considered that maybe one or two of the things that you are not restricting might be culprits? Everyone is different, but I think a lot of IBS'rs have problems with fruit. I know for me raw apples are not tolerable. Like Keriamon said, the problem can be cumulative and I could probably get away with one apple every few days, but if I eat more than one a day or if I eat one every day for a week, I'm in trouble. Berries are the same way...they can be hard to digest. Maybe that is something for you to consider? I also have trouble with oatmeal, although I am not sure why. It might be useful for you to cut out one staple item of your diet per week and see if that helps. If you still get the diarrhea, add it back in and cut something else out until you come up with something that works. Process of elimination, so to speak.

As for IBS affecting relationships, I can relate to that. I was in a relationship in which my partner did not understand what I was going through and how much the dx was really taking its toll on me. He didn't exactly imply that I wouldn't accomplish life goals because of it, but he just didn't have any sympathy for me. Not that I wanted him to treat me like I was fragile because of the IBS, but I wanted him to believe in my suffering rather than write it off as an annoyance. There were times we would be out somewhere and I'd have to get home because I needed the bathroom more than once, plus it was hard for me to tolerate the cramping and sweating in public. He'd get angry and sometimes refuse to leave, and accuse me of ruining a good time, etc. I remember a specific instance in which we were shopping at a mall, and I suddenly started to feel the tell-tale signs of an attack. I used the public bathroom once and then requested that we head home. He got angry and refused. I used the bathroom again, asked again to leave. When he FINALLY agreed to get me home I started crying in the car, and he also got angry about that, saying I shouldn't let this take control of me. What he didn't realize until we got home was that I was in so much pain I couldn't hold it and had almost had an accident. It was humiliating. I got out of that relationship and actually the IBS has gotten better since then. It isn't gone, but I don't have the same anxiety about it that I did when I was with him because I'm not worrying about someone getting angry with me. Now when it happens I just try to relax and work through it, with a boyfriend who is willing to comfort me and take care of me.

I think the most important thing is to try and make significant others understand that IBS is not a choice we make. We can't help it and we're doing the best that we possibly can under the circumstances. We are doing everything we can to control it and lead a normal lifestyle. If how your significant other is handling this is really bothering you, perhaps it would be beneficial to sit down and tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him that you are well aware of the fact that this dx is affecting your life, and that you do not need to be reminded of this fact by him. Tell him that while you don't have a choice about having IBS, you do have a choice about how you react to it. Tell him that you are doing everything you can to get control over it and to adjust your life to it.

I know how tough it can be, but good luck. :-)

nickic
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 11/8/2007 1:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks shortnsweet9, that really helps. :)

The sad part is, I've talked to him endlessly about this, and he thinks that when I call him and am crying that I am just calling to bring him down with me. I think it might be a male thing...if they can't do anything to fix the problem they get angry and then take it out on you. I've had the situation where I've wanted to head home and then once I'm home I feel better [after relieving myself of course], so then he feels like it was just an excuse to get out of whatever we were doing. It's tough when some people really cannot accept that psychology only affects IBS SOo much, it's mostly out of our hands. The depression doesn't come before the symptoms, its vice versa. But feeling abnormal and having someone remind you that you are abnormal just worsens it. To be honest, I've been thinking that maybe this isn't the person for me for some reasons such as what I explained...but I've been with him for 3 years and this only developed a year ago. He thinks I try to blame him for getting IBS when I don't. Maybe he feels like it is partly his fault because he put me through some pretty traumatic situations over these years...

In any case, thank you again*

shortnsweet9
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 11/9/2007 8:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi nickic,

I understand all too well what you are going through. My ex would always tell me that I was bringing him down when I talked about how upset I was with my IBS. I hate to say this but...I don't think it's just a male thing. You do not need to make excuses for him. If he is upset about the fact that he can't fix your problem, he shouldn't get angry and take it out on you. He should get upset FOR you and be sympathetic and try to help you by simply being a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying anyone's partner should be subjected to hearing about IBS day in, day out, and have to deal with self-pity and "woe is me" constantly...but I don't think you are like that. You said you're trying to be optimistic about things so I doubt you are always harping on your condition. It is not fair that you should have to deal with someone faulting you for something that is beyond your control. I know from experience that situations like that only make things worse. On top of the physical symptoms (which are bad enough as it is) you have to deal with the guilt and shame, anxiety and depression. It's a bad cycle...IBS and having to deal with it can trigger the anxiety/depresssion, and anxiety/depression can make IBS symptoms worse! eyes

I really do think that perhaps you should have a talk with your BF. Let him know that you know that he can't fully understand what you're going through, but that it would make you feel better if he was just willing to listen. Tell him that you don't blame him for the IBS, but that he could help you out with it by simply being there when you need him. You say that you have been with him for 3 years and have only had IBS for one. That means that he knows the true person you are underneath the IBS and just tell him you're still that same person, you still want to do the same things and that you will as much as possible -- but there simply must be some adjustments made for right now. Trying to cope with this yourself is hard enough and the stress of having to deal with someone else who isn't willing to understand can be very trying.

And trust me, it's not "just a male thing." I know this because after ending my relationship with the ex, a few months later I started dating someone new. I was up front with him right away about the IBS (kind of have to be when he wants to cook you food and take you out and you can't eat most of the food) and he took it right in stride. He didn't think it was gross or that it was an annoyance. Some days when he wants to go out to dinner I can go, and that's great. But some days I tell him that I just don't feel like my stomach can handle it, and he's fine with that too. On bad D days at work I send him emails and he usually just responds with a "You poor thing, I'm so sorry. Stay hydrated and rest when you get home." And that's enough...it makes me feel better because I know he's there for me. He also takes care of me when we're together and I get an attack -- takes me home, gets me gingerale...he's even started carrying Imodium around in his pockets just in case!

What I'm trying to say is, it can't be helping things to be with someone who doesn't/isn't willing to understand what you are going through. If you can talk to him and get him to understand, that's wonderful. And if that's what you want, I hope it works out. On the other hand, if the relationship does not work out (and I admit I'm a little concerned about reading that you put you through some "traumatic experiences") do not despair that all future relationships will be affected by IBS. There are men out there who will be wonderful about it because they know it doesn't define you, it's just a part of who you are.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this and I really hope you get it worked out soon! :-)

nickic
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 11/9/2007 9:17 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi shortnsweet9,

You are right. In some instances, I don't know if I am making excuses for him or just being understanding. I don't like to have the mentality that someone "should" or "should not" be a certain way because I try to accept people for who they are. And it is tough when we have known each other for three years already. If he were like this from the get-go then of course I would have shyed away. However, in contradiction to myself, if you are looking for someone to spend your life with, you should have some ideas of how you would like them to be...especially when you have a condition such as IBS.

There is one aspect of our relationship that we simply cannot agree on and have argued extensively about it. The biggest problem first off is that he lives 500 miles away, which already puts a strain above all. But our disagreement has to do with comfort and support. See, I grew up in a family where if you were feeling bad and were crying, you go to someone [primarily my mom of course] and cry on their shoulder. The emphasis was to not go through anything emotionally painful alone in my house. So, if I am upset and/or crying I will call my mom and we'll talk about it, even if it doesn't solve anything, it feels better hearing her voice and she tries to calm me down. Because of this, I encourage other friends and those close to me to do the same. To come to me, call me, whatever mode to get in contact. And with friends I feel close with, I am comfortable in letting them see or hear me at my weakest. Now, my BF on the other hand...

For one, he doesn't like for me to hear him cry on the phone, or even see him if he can avoid it. His thoughts are, if you are crying already and upset as such, why are you going to call someone and only make them feel bad? So, he doesn't do that. However, when I am that upset and bawling, looking out into my lonely apartment only makes me feel worse. So of course, I want to hear his voice and talk to him. However, by me calling him and crying he gets upset because he feels that I am calling just to make him feel bad [as I do] because there is really nothing he can do at THAT moment. He's not the type who will say "It's okay baby, just calm down, I love you.." blablabla. No words of encouragement, nothing. He thinks it's selfish of me to do that and that I need to find a way to calm myself down before I call him. But the point is that I am calling for HELP to calm down. I know he can't make my IBS go away, but for crying out loud, at my moment of weakness I just want to be able to depend on the verbal support if anything.

It frankly gets ridiculous. At times he says [when we are arguing of course, when else...] that I just want someone who will drop everything just to be depressed with me. But the thing is that I am not ALWAYS crying about this. Half the time when I have issues I don't even tell him, and it's only when I'm at wits end and I just lose it. Maybe once a week or couple weeks if that. 90% of the time I am having a very optimistic attitude and have faith that things WILL get better because they HAVE to. I remind myself that it's bad enough I have IBS, I refuse to let it interfere with my goals if I can help it.

It's just a tough situation, and obviously he can't be that kind of person for me because he's just not. He has his own issues, especially right now. In fact he is going through depression, clinically. He was prescribed medication and has been seeking help. He came and stayed with me for several weeks and I was there for him hand and foot. Anytime he looked sad I came and talked to him, gave him a hug, encouraged him to open up and express himself. He cried in my lap and I would do my work [I work from home and also in grad school] on the couch because he sleeps best if he is somewhat touching me. I cooked every meal for him, as I always do and even got him to go to the gym with me everyday.

I'm not implying that because I did those things for him, that he owes me. I'm not even saying that he HAS to make me feel better when I feel bad. But, I just don't want to be accused of trying to make HIM feel bad. If I was able to put aside my own turmoil then I don't see why it's not in his good nature to do it for someone he "loves". When you are with someone, you are a team. A support system unconditionally. Not under specific cirumstances. If someone is going through emotional hell, you try to help, no questions asked.

But unfortunately, this seems unresolvable. So now, if I feel bad I just have to go to my family which is sad, because I'm afraid that one day I will end up resenting him because he couldn't "handle" my emotional issues. Though I try to be understanding because he himself is depressed. I don't know what to think about it. And he tries to make it seem like I am the odd one out, that no guy out there would want to sit there and listen to their GF cry on the phone and they can't do anything about it.

This relationship is definitely stressful and I will admit it. The problem is that leaving a relationship is so emotionally draining and I haven't known if I would have the energy after everything I've been through already. That is, if I did in fact want to walk away. I never want to give up on people I love so dearly and see potential in. I'm one of those who fights to the death, so to speak. But, it has to be reciprocal of course.

I apologize for going on about this relationship of mine, but the IBS has certainly brought out certain aspects of both of us that makes me wonder. Thank you so much for your time and concern. It's almost hard to believe a stranger cares to an extent Thank you

Keriamon
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 2976
   Posted 11/9/2007 9:53 AM (GMT -7)   
<<why are you going to call someone and only make them feel bad?>>

What a selfish $*%&@

Don't call me when you're down because you ruin my good time? Honey, dump him! Can you imagine being married to this man? He'd totally blow that part of the vow about being with your partner in sickness and in health.

I went out on my first date with my hubby two days before I had my gall bladder removed. He sent me roses at home. :-D Then we went out on our second date almost a week after the surgery and he was okay with me only eating a small amount of food for lunch, and he was constantly making sure I felt okay when I excused myself to go to the bathroom. And he's still like that 5 years later. If I tell him I feel bad, he asks what he can do, or do we need to leave? I think what makes him understanding is 1) he has bad knees and a bad back, so some of our activities are curtailed because of that; he understands what it's like not to be able to do something; 2) I doctor and baby him when he's hurting; I massage him, fetch ice or heating pads, sit with him when he has to sit something out; 3) his stomach is a bit sensitive itself and new medicines or changing his diet can give him D, so he knows what it's like to have that too (and he comes to me for medicine, lol!).

So, you see, we take care of each other. And we were in a somewhat long-distance relationship for our first nearly two years together too; it was a 2-hour drive one way for me to go see him each weekend. Obviously you are even further away, and probably see each other even less, but still, that's no excuse for not being sensitive to someone's medical problems. I mean, good God, if you were taking chemo for cancer treatment, would he be angry when you couldn't eat or go anywhere or called him just to talk? I think someone that dismisses some of your health problems is problably going to be good at dismissing your concerns with finances and plans for the future, child rearing, etc. I mean, if the man can't believe you have a problem with your bowels, what else won't he believe when you tell him? It's a total lack of respect when someone tells you that they know better than you how to handle your body, and that you are messing yourself up, and you could push yourself more, etc. In essence, that person is telling you you are too stupid to manage your body and your life, and is heavily implying they could tell you how to run your body and life better.

Just my two cents.

Oh, and apples are just about the worst thing any IBSer can eat. Unless you are eating them cooked (and you still might not be able to take them that way), cut them out immediately! The only thing worse is apple juice. Sure to give you gas and cramps and, if prone to D, even more of that!

Also, check that tea for caffeine. While I can tolerate caffeine in green tea, that's my absolute upper limit. Black tea (oolong) and colas and the like are just too much. Gives me pretty bad D.

shortnsweet9
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 11/9/2007 10:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Looks like Keriamon beat me to the punch!

I was going to say the same thing. If he doesn't want you to call him when you are upset because it will bring him down and ruin his day, that is incredibly, horribly, selfish. If someone truly cares about you they won't mind that you are asking for their comfort. If he's asking you to deal with it on your own because it's a burden to him, that shows a total lack of compassion and respect. And yet I am sure he wants you to be there for him when he is hurting...just like you were there for him when he was suffering really badly from depression! Of course he does not owe you for that...but he shouldn't look at it that way. He should WANT to help you because you are hurting and he loves you and wants to make it better. Relationships are a two way street, a cliche, but a true one at that.

I understand that you have been with him for three years and that there are areas in which you two are compatible. But that does not override the huge fundamental problems in the relationship. Keriamon hit the nail on the head. Imagine what would happen if you two were married? Would he get angry every time he saw you crying? It is not like he'd be able to avoid it if you lived together...he wouldn't just be able to hang up the phone! Also, what would happen if you two were to raise kids together? You are the kind of person who believes in comfort and compassion for people when they are upset (and rightly so!), and apparently, he is not. So what would happen if you weren't around and one of the kids was crying? Would he get angry, shut them out, tell them to quit it?

You say you do not want to give up on someone you love so dearly and "see such potential in." I hate to say this, but that is not a good thought pattern. Seeing "potential" in someone means that you are hoping that somewhere down the line they will actually change. And you can not change a person. You just can't. I'm afraid that if you stay in this relationship, 15 years down the road you will be caught in the same cycle and still going "But he has such potential!" It's been 3 years...if he isn't making you completely happy right now, it's highly doubtful that he'll start doing so over time. Don't say that you are just being understanding and accepting of who he is, if who he is does not give you the happiness you deserve.

I know it can be so scary to think about losing someone after such a long period of time. I was with my ex for almost 4 years, and we had lived together for 2.5 of them! I never thought I'd be strong enough to give him up. But it all came down to the fact that our relationship was not healthy and I was too worried about making him happy and keeping him happy so that I was not focusing on keeping myself happy. Yes, the first couple of months after we broke up sucked. I won't lie and say they didn't. But I realized after a while that I DID have the strength to get over him and that I was much healthier being independent than I was being part of a dysfunctional "team." And our relationship pattern seemed similar to yours...we'd tried to be apart at various times over the years and it never worked out. We'd known each other for 5 years at the time of the break up. But you know what? I'm still here. I'm alive. I made it. And I feel so much better now than I ever did when I was with him.

If I can do it, you can do it too! I know you can. You sound like you have a wonderful support system already in place for when you are upset...friends, family, etc. You will be able to use them and lean on them to get through a very trying time. But please, at least consider being independent outside of a relationship. You might be surprised to discover how much better you feel physically when you are not so stressed about your BF.

And I may be a stranger, but I am no stranger to your situation. The similarities are almost eerie, and I couldn't even begin to go into all of them now, this post would be a novel! I do care because I know how much better things can be, and how much better you deserve. You are strong. You can do whatever you set your mind to. You just have to decide that YOU are the most important person in your life right now, and do everything you can to take care of yourself!

Feel free to keep responding!

Keriamon
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 2976
   Posted 11/9/2007 12:26 PM (GMT -7)   
I don't ever feel like the people on this board are strangers; sometimes I talk about them to my husband like they're friends I'm just in e-mail correspondence with because we're too far apart to see one another. :-)

And, I will admit that my husband doesn't want to know TOO much about my bowel fuctions. It's enough for him to know that I have D and need medicine or need to go home. He'd rather not get the fart-by-fart analysis that I can share with you guys. Only here can I truly obssess openly about color, shape, content, and smell of my stools. ROFL

SnowyLynne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 11/9/2007 4:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Greasy foods & corn upset my gut.I'm on a high fiber diet & so far so good.
SnowyLynne


nickic
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 11/9/2007 4:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Haha! I love it Keriamon!! "fart-by-fart analysis...color, shape, content and smell..." That one made my day, thank you so much :D

Well Keriamon and shortnsweet9, you both have truly touched my heart. It's unfortunate when the things you tell me [about the relationship in question] are the same words of advice I would tell someone else. Of course we are victims of our own biases, and it's such therapy to hear input from others, especially those affected by IBS [for instance].

You are both right in what you speak, and I have always known it. To say you can't handle someone's moments of despair, whether they be hysterical or calm, is saying you cannot handle the "burdens" that come with caring for someone else. Everything you have both said about "in sickness and in health" and being a team because you WANT to be is what I argue with bone-head about constantly. I don't overanalyze the "hidden motives" behind my friends calling me when they are crying and upset. Even if I can't solve the problem. The point is that when you love someone, you care for them no questions asked. Obviously he cannot handle that. And unfortunately, I spend so much time and vital energy trying to explain it to him...in hopes that he might be able to accept another perspective. Maybe not necessarily agree, but just respect and acknowledge another point of view.

For Blessed sake, if I am depressed or physically sick he will only call me if it is convenient...it seems. I will admit, he is not himself and hasn't been for a while because of HIS depression. So to him, he says "How can I help you if I can't even help myself?" Which in essence is valid. HOWEVER, guess what? I am sick too, but it doesn't take much energy for me to care or be concerned...to WANT to know his progress and make sure he didn't commit suicide. The emphasis is on WANTING to care, WANTING to be there, and frankly just BEING there and it coming from the heart...not effort.

But of course, it is like talking to a brick wall. What's sad is that he shows me he cares in other ways that are NOT emotional...though emotional support is more vital in my opinion. He will physically help me out around the place, fix things, buy stuff to make my life easier like a tool kit, emergency stuff for my car, buy me food and gas. Little things like that. He sees that as his love for me in that he wants to take care of me. But that part of care is just that...A PART. If that makes him feel that he has done his part, then well, I guess that is how he will sleep at night. But if he only makes me feel guilty for crying then what good was all of that?

The man will hurt my feelings so bad sometimes that I cry. Well, I take that back. I am already sensitive and it doesn't take much INSULT [especially from someone I love] to make me cry. But I think that is pretty...hmm...NORMAL. Anyhow, I will start crying. And because he wasn't TRYING to make me cry [naturally..] he will get pissed off at me for crying. Then comes the same quote, "Why do you always do this?! Now you are just trying to make me feel bad and I didn't do anything to you!!" He just sees it like, "Okay, heeeere we go agaaain..." So bleepin' insensitive. What hurts the most is when he comes out with the same old shpeal..."Look, obviously you need someone who is going to be [insert bullcrap here] and obviously I'm just not that person. So you need to go and find someone who is going to do [insert bullcrap here]". Of course, the bullcrap is along the lines of "drop everything they are doing to listen to you cry when it is convenient for you". And he will continue with, "And I'm sure there are guys like that out there. Like dogs just waiting hand and foot. But I'm just not like that." Naturally, trying to make it seem like I'M the insensitive one. And when he says these things, mostly out of anger that he apologizes for later and swears he doesn't mean, it only makes me CRY MORE.

To make things worse, he gets so pissed off at the whole situation in general, that even though I am crying and hurting, it doesn't even phase him. Because naturally, I am making it a point for him to hear me cry to make him feel bad...remember? So going with this, it is sooo easy for him to just hang up on me because he can't take it anymore. And when I say "me niether!" he insists that I just looove arguing. If you can't just think rationally when you are arguing and not coming out with old issues, how are you going to deal with real situations? I just can't fathom how someone can live with the fact that they make their "love" so upset and tear strucken. If I were to make him cry, which has happened hmmm ONCE in three years, I would immediately snap out of it and realize how much pain I inflicted on him. I wouldn't even blink.

I'm sorry for rambling, I have so many frustrations bottled up and because he somehow sees things SOO differently than I do, sometimes I question if it is me..? I can't understand how someone can be so blind at human nature as he is. I have never been part of any forum before and I am so glad I joined.

This whole week was pretty bad...constantly bloated to the point where I couldn't breathe. I actually started what is called "Bowen Therapy". This is basically a cross between energy healing and acupressure. I went mostly to help with my back. I overtrained my rhomboid area about 5 months ago and have had pain ever since. It has fluctuated and I've had acupuncture, seen a chiropractor [just sucked $ and did nothing] and regular MD. Of course, the stress of this chronic pain has made me more upset in addition to IBS, and could possibly have made things worse in a psychological sense. However, this therapy is meant to release all the, well, crap you have stored up inside your body for overall healing, in addition to pressure points to help release my back pain. If anyone is interested in learning more, just google "Bowen Therapy". It's pretty interesting. I actually started bawling during the treatment because you get this huge feeling of release. Which was to be expected. Obviously I have so much I'm holding onto inside, which could be a big aspect of the IBS. Not all, but definitely some of it. I'm to have a total of three treatments and we'll see how I come out. Bonnie [the CMT] actually had me get on MSM and Coral Calcium. These two are meant to help maintain a health pH balance in your body. Of course, I did my research before going along with it. Before specializing in this, Bonnie was actually in business and had so much anxiety and depression that she came down with Crohn's Disease. She said that taking these two, in addition to a healthier/cleaner diet, pretty much cured her. Not only this, but she said that she has many clients who have IBS and taking these two supplements has helped them within days of first taking them. I already knew a little about MSM and Coral Calcium because I'm a fitness trainer and nutritionist, but I am going to go ahead and see how it goes. I'll let you guys know.

Thank you again so much for everything. It is nice to have *friends* to talk to. Not strangers :)

Post Edited (nickic) : 11/9/2007 4:39:17 PM (GMT-7)


shortnsweet9
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 11/10/2007 3:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi nickic,

I am so glad that you agree with both myself and Keriamon about the relationship issues, and that you didn't get insulted by our opinions. Being able to recognize the problems and address them is a step in the right direction. At least you are not in denial! I hope that talking things out and getting other people's perspectives will help you to resolve things, however that may be.

It does sound like you have a lot of reservations about your relationship. I like how you called your BF "bonehead" LOL. But from what you just described it really does seem as if the main problem is that he is not the person you want him to be, and that he is not going to change. So I think you must ask yourself if all the trouble you go to for him, all the stress he puts you through, is really worth it? Like you said, you are sick and yet you still would jump through hoops if it would make HIM feel better with his depression. Yet he is not willing to do the same thing for you. Yes, maybe he does things around the house, fixes things, gives you gas money, etc. But that's not the way you show love for a person. Yes, it's nice to have someone do those things but if the emotional aspect isn't there, then your missing the most fundamental part of love and caring! I mean, I've got a landlord who fixes things around my house and I've got a guy friend who gave me a tool box, but that doesn't mean either of them are in love with me!

The biggest red flag for me is the fact that when you argue he makes comments such as "Look, obviously you need someone who is going to be [insert bullcrap here] and obviously I'm just not that person. So you need to go and find someone who is going to do [insert bullcrap here]" That to me just shows that DEFINITELY is unwilling to change. And here's the deal: He KNOWS by now that he can say these things, but that you actually WON'T go out and leave him and find someone else. He is too comfortable with the fact that even if he doesn't put effort into the relationship, even if you guys argue and argue and he hurts your feelings, even if you ask him to change and he doesn't do it, you'll keep on taking his crap. You are making it too easy for him. I'm willing to bet that often times you get done arguing with him, and somehow things have gotten spun around so that you feel like it's YOUR fault, that there's something wrong with YOU. So then you go about trying to please him, trying to make him happy, so that he won't leave you.

You need to give him a wake up call! He is not going to give you what you really deserve and something needs to change. And unfortunately, he is not the person who is going to make that change. YOU are going to have to be the one to make the change. And I know that you will find the strength to do so, because how much more stress and emotional heartache can you really take? You deserve better, and no matter how inadequate he might make you feel, deep down you know that you deserve better.

Again, and I can't say this enough, I would virtually guarantee that if you resolve this situation you'll feel so much better physically. Stress is a killer for IBS. And I think you're carrying around a lot of stress about this whole thing. You have the power to change that and start healing, and I hope you use it!!!!

Let us know how things are going! :-) tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue yeah tongue tongue

shortnsweet9
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 11/10/2007 3:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Hahaha whoops sorry about all those faces. I don't know what happened there, guess I got a little carried away!

nickic
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 11/10/2007 5:22 PM (GMT -7)   

Thank you shortnsweet9, as always.

You know the funny thing? For the past 2-3 days I have been seriously thinking hard about our relationship and the underlying issues regarding his behavior. I have been writing down everything I do not like, what I disagree and disapprove of. This morning I really came to the conclusion that I am going to sit down am talk to him about these issues, and knowing him I figured it would end up in us just going our seperate ways. I have been trying to get myself emotionally prepared.

He lives in Nevada and I live in northern California. He is originally from Los Angeles [8 hours from me] which is only 4 hours from him. I actually lived in L.A. for 2 years. Anyway, Wednesday he decided to take a trip to see a friend who's wife gave birth to their first child. He called saying that after a couple days he wanted to come to me. I haven't spoken to him since Thursday night when he arrived in L.A. I have been such a mess since I joined the forum, my I.B.S. really hit me hard last week and left me feeling hopeless, depressed, unmotivated, the works. To top things off I hurt my back [as mentioned before] so it's double trouble pain. Anyway, so this morning I am telling myself that this could very well be the end and I need to face it. I even write things out a second time. Of course I was a little hurt that he hadn't called to see if I survived my magnesium citrate blow (i was insanely constipated and bloated, I could barely breathe..not overexaggerating sad ) but, that was just another action that spoke louder.

10:30 am, he calls.

I told him that I needed to know if he was coming because my mother was offering to come and stay with me and if he was coming, then I would just have her not come. I didn't really want her to come stay with me because I know she has a lot to do, but anyhow...

He then asks "well what's wrong? is it your back? or your stomach?" I said my stomach, and he asked what had happened. To be honest, he really sounded concerned. I told him that just everything, I had a rough week and couple of days and it left me drained and feeling depressed, to where I didn't even want to leave the house and didn't want to do anything. You know, lights off, shades down, no t.v. or music scene. For one of the first times he said "Aww baby...but why? sad " I ended up just saying "Look, you need to understand something. I have IBS and it's not my fault, nor is it yours. But it is something I have to live with. And it takes a lot of energy for me to keep my optimism up and not let it bring me down. If I constantly reminded myself of the things I might not be able to do because of it, then I would be depressed all the time and really never amount to anything. But it gets tiring. And there are times that it gets very bad, and it's unpredictable. By constantly ignoring it and not letting it bother me, the stress can pile up until one day I just lose it. It's going to happen. I have not wanted you to fix anything, and I'm not coming to you or anyone else for solutions because no one, barely even myself, can fix it. All I have ever wanted is compassion and sensitivity. But when you tell me you can't 'handle' it, it makes me feel like you only want me for what I can do to help you. It goes with the whole 'in sickness and in health' aspect of a relationship. I mean you want me to take care of you yes, but what about the time you gazed into my eyes and told me 'I want to take care of you' ?" He responded delicately by first apologizing for his lack of sensitivity, and that yes he wants to take care of me. He went on to explain that he feels pressured by the situation when I am so upset sometimes and he never thoroughly explained it to me. He feels that when he is with me, sometimes for 2 or so weeks at a time, things are pretty normal. And it seems like as soon as he leaves, I get worse. What he doesn't realize is that half the time I might be in discomfort, I just don't say anything and I have him physically there to keep my mind off of it. But it's still there and sometimes feels worse because I feel like I have to hide it (you know, make sure he doesn't here what's going on in the bathroom, for isntance, or feel bad when we go to sleep and I might have some stinkers during the night). So because of his observation, he feels guilty leaving me and feels like he should be there because I might need him too. And when he says that he cannot handle the situation, he supposedly means at the time when I am hysterical, he feels a whirlwind of guilt because he is not physically there and doesn't know what other advice to give. I explained to him that I am not looking for advice or tips on med's to take. All I want is compassion, I am not looking for answers or solutions.

We had to get off because he was using a friend's phone (he lost his charger...typical...but I won't go there) and they were about to go eat. But we concluded with him saying "Well, look honey I'm sorry, I really am and I won't take my frustrations out on you. The last thing I want to do is make you feel worse when you are already in pain and I am truly sorry. I love you.." I think what really put him in this mode before he called was being around his friends and thinking about the issues his buddies have had with their wives. He always tells me that even though we have our issues sometimes, he is so lucky to have someone like me for various reasons that his friend's wives lack in. Often times he will call me up just to tell me how much he appreciates me. That is why when these issues come up with us, I get more pissed off because his anger and pride just block alll of those things out momentarily. But anyway, that was that.

I'm not thoroughly convinced just yet and when he comes, I really am going to sit down and talk with him about these issues. At least give him the benefit of the doubt and give him a choice. Either you want to hear me out and you want to find a solution, or we really have to go our seperate ways. Because as much as he can't handle some of the stress of our relationship, niether can I. I am one of those people that is very open and very good at accepting when I'm wrong or said/did something I shouldn't have. He knows this. I will always hear someone else out and respect a difference of opinion. However, it's a two way street. There is no right or wrong per se in my opinion, there are different perspectives that need to be addressed and you must learn from each other. If you really want to make someone happy, you will think twice about your actions.

So, we'll see. I think he might be coming in a couple of days. I am with my parents for the weekend. I found the strength to get up, shower and drive the 45 minutes. I feel a little better. Though still been weepy. I'm trying not to let my tummy bother me. The mag citrate left me now plugged up and I hate that feeling more than anything.

THanks again gals yeah I had to put that one because it's so funny to me!


Canyonbabe711
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1451
   Posted 11/10/2007 9:16 PM (GMT -7)   
You must take care of yourself first in whatever way you can. You can't rely on him to make you happy. It is tough when we are sick to be happy with ourselves but unless we are we can't make anyone else happy either. I don't have a solution but I do know this is true. The stress is definetly not making you happy and exacerbating your problem. I wish you well in whatever you decide. Just don't make any big decision like marriage and children until your are sure that you have the support and love that you need. Seldom do people change and if they do it is because they want to not because we want them to.

nickic
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 11/11/2007 1:04 PM (GMT -7)   
I agree Canyonbabe711

Voluntary change is a conscious effort, and without the desire, the attempts will not be successful.

How long have you had IBS? How do you deal with the distress when having an episode? I am trying very hard to not feel hopeless when I have inconsistency and don't know the culprit(s). THank you again :)

Keriamon
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 2976
   Posted 11/12/2007 2:44 PM (GMT -7)   
While I'm glad that you feel he is making forward progress (and equally glad that you are committed to being a bit dubious!), I am a bit concerned when you say that he often shows his affection by buying you things. While of course it's good to get treated to flowers and candies and cards and little things like that, make sure that's not the ONLY way he shows his affection. Not only are things not a good substitute for actual loving motions (hugs and things like that), but you have to watch the old finances as well. If he already has a debt problem, watch out! He could love you right into bankruptcy. I'm on a money message board and it's sad to see the number of women on it with a spouse who spends money like it's going out of style--usually in an attempt to fulfill some inner need or emotion.

nickic
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 11/12/2007 5:29 PM (GMT -7)   
I completely agree, and when I said "buy me things" those things are not flower and froo froo stuff. I mean, practical things that I might need around the apartment, the kitchen (i'm a big cook!), for my car, things I really do need that might not be able to afford. He is very practical, the only things he has really splurged on for me that is froo froo-ey were the two rings, but he has never gotten himself into debt. The funny thing is that he IS very affectionate; hugs, kissies, cuddle/snuggle. And he always tells me he loves me. Of course, these are all things done when he is actually HERE in front me of me. However, it is when he is back home and we get into a tiff that he gets frustrated and irritable easily and when I am feeling bad he can't come and give me a hug like he would if he were physically with me.

But, yes I am definitely being dubious! I've gotten my hopes up one too many times and honestly after this last one, leaving me even more depressed for 5 days. That was it. Too much of me constantly trying to please him, walking on egg shells to make sure he doesn't misinterpret anything and be overly-sensitive because he is depressed. All this time I realized that I was so quick to push my own health aside for his, and that's not right. There has to be a balance.

He is actually on his way here right now. Probably about an hour away. In some ways I don't really want him to come. I am a little anxious as to how he is going to act towards me. The reason i say this is because for the past 3 days when he's called, the first thing he asks is "how is your tummy? are you feeling okay?" and has been ending the phone calls with a strong "I love you and miss you." A couple of times I have been nonchalant to bypass saying it back to him (ding 5 points* just kidding), but not intentionally. It kind of says something to me. I'm obviously at my wits end and have no more energy to work at something that is leaving me gasping for air.

But well, we'll see how it goes. I think it's really hit him this time that I really am going through something and he is not the only one. Everytime he sees his good friend in L.A., he is loving me to the extreme. I'm assuming it is because his friend loves me and tells him he only wishes his wife could be like me. Not tootin a horn for myself of course. But nonetheless, his friend's problems with his marriage always makes him realize how lucky he is (darn straight!).

My system is doing SOO much better today.

You want to know something ironic I discovered?

I was speaking with my grandmother yesterday, and she revealed something she went through that I never knew about. When she was exactly my age, she went through a horrible year where she was bloated and possibly constipated almost constantly. Granted, this was about 60+ years ago when IBS was not a clinical diagnosis. She said that a friend of hers told her to get on a diet consisting of :

no dairy
no raw fruits or veggies
no caffeine
no artificial sweeteners
no fried foods/high fat foods

Sound familiar?? She said that after committing to this eating plan the symptoms completely vanished. A year later she began to slowly incorporating some of the old foods she used to eat and in time, was able to eat "normally" again. While I am not sure that this will necessarily happen for me, it was a very interesting coincidence. The only thing I haven't cut out completely, until NOW that is, is Splenda and Caffeine. The past couple days I have progressively improved. However, I still needd to give it more time. I am one of those women heavily affected by their menstrual cycle. Right before I get major bloating, water retention and constipation, and then diarrhea during. However, it might just be that much worse because of the caffeine and sweetener. I'm finally going to buckle down and go into all-time strictness!

I pray that my days will be better.

Anway, thank you again for your responses. It's nice to have friends. I am so busy with work and grad school, I don't have much time for anything else. Aside from this, I can't relate to most of my peers/generation which is quite sad. I've been told I have an "old soul".

Hope you enjoy the week :)

Keriamon
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 2976
   Posted 11/13/2007 9:12 AM (GMT -7)   
I usually don't get along with people my own age either. :-) I ended up marrying a man 17.5 years my senior, so that should tell you about who I communicate with the best! Lol.

Caffeine is a biggy for me. It made the old gall bladder worse, and even now that it's gone, I still can't do more than a bit of green tea. No black tea, no coffee.

shortnsweet9
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 11/13/2007 11:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi nickic,

I'm so glad that you are feeling in a better place in terms of your relationship. From the sounds of it, you two are spending some time together right now, so I hope things go as well as you want them to. But remember, don't back down on any issues that still bother you! Make sure you take care of yourself first! If he seems to be having a change of attitude, don't become so relieved that you slip back into your old habits and put him before you. His change will need to be permanent, not temporary. That being said, I hope that you end up happy whatever happens with the situation. Our emotions can affect us so much physically! Keep us posted!

I don't tend to get along with people my own age either. Well, that's not quite true, I get along with them just fine, but I don't generally enjoy the same activities as they do. I'm only 23 but you won't catch me out at a bar! I'd much rather go out for a really nice dinner (when my stomach allows me to -- sometimes my stomach says: nono LOL) or something like that.

Canyonbabe711
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1451
   Posted 11/13/2007 3:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Just remember what my Mom told me years ago when I was going with a very moody guy--marriage is hard enough, you don't need to make it harder by marrying Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. I was lucky as I married Mr Smile and Be Happy but even at that it wasn't always easy. Contrary to what most people think and say life is tough enough without having to spend all your time "working" on keeping a marriage together. If I have to work that hard I want to be paid for it.

shortnsweet9
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 11/13/2007 4:58 PM (GMT -7)   
"If I have to work that hard I want to be paid for it."

LOL Canyonbabe, well said. Isn't it funny how Moms are always right in retrospect? I used to be that typical teenager who did the opposite of whatever Mom said. Now I've learned my lesson! Especially when it comes to men...if she doesn't like a guy I'm dating, it's a big red flag for me now. Moms are just so wise and it sounds like yours gave some good advice!
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
37 posts in this thread.
Viewing Page :
 1  2 
Forum Information
Currently it is Friday, December 09, 2016 10:08 PM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,735,739 posts in 301,326 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151429 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, terrance.
276 Guest(s), 7 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Tnmproject, Job_the_Phoenix, ks1905, joavila92, Sarakt, Octorobo, Csweeney1002


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer