In His Grip
AlwaysRosie "We can't control the waves, but we can learn how to surf!!"
Co-Moderator - Lupus Forum
UCTD, Inflammatory Arthritis, Diverticulosis, (recent dx - Sjogrens, Crohn’s 4/08)
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you are welcome old hippie rebel;)
I do not know if I could even get online at all if I saw 3 doctors in the same week. I have a problem just seeing one doctor, and getting his lab work done. so I have scheduled thier appointments to fit my schedule. Financially I cannot afford but one doctor and one lab work to do each month. can't afford the gas for several trips to where the doctors and labs are in the same month. So far this has worked out.
I tend to be a rebel too, a nonconformist that started in my early teens. I didn't have the opportunity to be a hippie. too busy having babies and figuring out how to provide for them. But I listened to them. Felt good too. because they reflected my own position at the time.
I too have hesitated to tell some people about my own diagnoses and at the moment I am questioning it. The missing time that some of you have, just like me, and doing things that you do not remember doing, leads me to believe that maybe I was misdiagnosed. But maybe not. And I guess that it does not matter anyway. What matters to me is that I am not the only one that is having these same kind of symptoms.
The deep dark holes for me are the bad days when I can sleep, but can't think clearly, forget things, do things and don't remember doing them, can't speak well. and it seems the cycle is not as dependable as it used to be. the good days do not last long now. In the good days, I feel lots of shame and guilt, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. In the bad days I do not feel much of anything. The bad days do however have suicidal thoughts. and a plan. It just seems too much to bear sometimes during the bad days. And I tend to tell myself, just one more day, hold on for one more day. It doesn't last. It never does. It will change. However it is changing to include more bad days than really good days. Asked my doctor one time to give me lithium and let me see if it is bi-polar that is making me the way I am. It wasn't.
Sometimes I just get so tired of being me.
thank you for sharing