my husband still doesn't get it

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purplerose652
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 124
   Posted 3/20/2009 7:47 PM (GMT -7)   
My husband just doesn't understand there are things I can't do. We just moved and he just brought the things that were important to him into the house i.e. the Tv, sofa, dining table and chairs, beds, dressers....and everything else he just stacked up in the garage. We have been here 3 weeks and I have only been able to get him to bring in a few boxes of our kitchen stuff. I can't get to anything because of the way he has it stacked up in the garage. He just says that nothing in the garage is imprtant. My jewelry chest, cedar chest, boxes of knick knacks, pictures, some antique tables, more kitchen stuff....
I keep telling him I can't move all that stuff....I would be in bed for a week or maybe in the hospital if I did. He doesn't care....he just says that none of that stuff is important to him and he isn't going to move them again. I would hire someone but we can't afford it....my husband has been unemployed for 6 months. All he does all day is look on the internet for an hour or so for jobs and then plays video games all day. He has had plenty of time to help me get the house set up.
I guess I just needed to vent....:( I know that this disease is invisible and people have a hard time believing how we feel but my husbands attitude just seems way more then that. I don't know what to do....
Take Care,
 
Renee
 
"Grace by which I stand."
 
Fibromyalgia, IBS,Gerd, Scoliosis, & Costochondritis, Lupus
 
 


puccini914
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 3/20/2009 8:47 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm right there with you Renee. I don't think my husband has a clue as to what goes into the management of a home with two small boys, 6 and 2. I'm running after the 2 year old, up and down all day. I try to spend time with my older boy as much as I can, but the baby is so work. My DH has resorted to incompetency to get out of things. If he does the dishes, he loads the dishwasher with food all over everything and does it so haphazzardly that half the stuff sits in the sink until I redo it in the morning. He can't seem to make a bed, change a diaper, fix the kids food, or even pick up after himself. It almost seems like his lack of consideration has gotten worse since I've been sick. My mom suggested that his way of dealing with me being sick is to toatally ignore it. It's like if they can't fix a problem they just ignore it or give up. We have been very blessed in the fact that he's had just enough work to keep us afloat, barely. He's a painter and work is few and far between. Men don't handle stress the way women do, I think that's why we have and raise the kids. When he hits lulls in work, he sleeps in until noon while I drag my painful butt out of bed to take care of the kids. There are so many things around the house that he's supposed to fix or take care of and he just doesn't seem to want to move when there isn't any work. So I bust my butt and he wonders why I'm too tired for any kind of intamacy in our lives anymore. But here's the thing, I love him so very much and I know it breaks his heart to see me suffer and there is nothing he can do. I think he go and beat up my doctors if he thought it make me wll again. Things are really tough financially for alot of people these days and it's so hard to see any light at the end of this black tunnel, but I know that things will get easier for me as the kids get older, but he will always have the burden of supporting us since I'm no longer able to work. SSI is in the second appeal stage and what a help that will be if we get it, but he will still have to go out and find more work. He has even considered driving to FL for a couple of weeks to do work for our parents and thier friends who live in Miami.Maybe try talking to your DH if he wants to make a job change, find something that really interests him, and something that could give him back some of the self esteem he lost along with his job. My dH is a great gutar player just as he was when I met him in highschool. I've encouraging him ti write more songs amd he even strarted playing live at abar in copperhill TN. I haven't been to seem him play up here yet because i'm the one home with the kids. I truly look forward ro just getting somr friend to comr over wantch the kids so we can go like we real couple. it would be our first night out away from home without the kid in 6 years. Whoa, I 'd better stop , the ambine is kicking ig and this typing is taking forever. Maybe you could offer some encourgement, getting him talking about what he really wants to do and then look at what he can do very well and see what types of jobs he could come up. If he can find something he could be excited about doing even as a hobby, it may help brighten his spi*** enough to relize his many strengths and feel more confifendt about tackling the weaknesses. My hubby doen't do so well with soul search, sometimes I have to tell him how proud and am of his music and his job skill and just a little day by day. Your hubby may need some help finding his own self worth and he may not realize that for a woman, a settled house is a home. Sorry about thr ramble, just toook my ambien and it's making me foogy. I'l check in tomorrow to see what other have wrote. God bless, stay strong and stay healthy.

Jennifer

PCP pretty convinced- Lupus , Taking plaquenil,Propranolol,  Flexeril,Claritin, Zantac,Ambien,vitamin B-12, multi- vitamin, Lortab.   Mom of 2 boys 1 and 6.  Symptoms: Fatigue, joint pain, heat/sun sensitivity, mouth and nose sores, malar rash, migranes, awful hives, positive ANA, and RF.

 

 


Ginny
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 5514
   Posted 3/20/2009 8:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Renee,
 
I feel your pain girl.  Managing Lupus and Fibro is like a sick, disgusting joke..... Now, this is just me, but if my hubby did that, he'd be making all his own meals, doing all his own laundry, etc, etc.  If he isn't going to help you, then he needs to feel how it is for you to not help him.  Give him a taste of his own medicine. He's not being fair and kind to you.  I don't put up with that when my hubby does things like that.  He learns the hard way, but he learns:P
 
OR... Like you said, hire someone to help you or ask a neighbour?  Really lay a good guilt trip on him.  But personally, I wouldn't be lifting a single finger for him whatsoever.  He's on his own!
 
Keep it real, girl!!!
 
Ginny
I can do anything through Jesus Christ who strengthens me. I have learned in whatever state I am in,to be content. Phillipians 4:11-13

35 years old. Diagnosed with Lupus in 2000. Fibromyalgia, Anti-phospholipid syndrome(APS)(stroke, 2002), Sjogren's, Raynaud's, Libman Sach's Endocarditis, vasculitis, sacroiliitis, arthritis (neck), anxiety, Chinook migraines. Prednisone, Imuran, Coumadin, Clobazam, Amitriptyline, Didrocal, Cozaar, Zoloft, Neurontin, calcium, multi-vitamin, vitamin D, Magnesium, vitamin B6, Acidophilus
 
Co-Moderator for the Lupus and Fibromyalgia forums


suetoo
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 395
   Posted 3/21/2009 6:03 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi! Renee, and everyone,

Please be comforted in knowing that this family problem is common to those of us with invisible diseases. There is even a website <butyoudontlooksick.com> where you can find The Spoon Theory, which is a wonderfully explanatory story about living with lupus. When I was first diagnosed, after living SO SICK FOR SO LONG, my teenaged daughters, who were less than kind and understanding on a good day, and had been snarling at me for years that I would feel better if I got off the couch and just got some exercise, said they found it hard to understand how sick I really was. I vote with Ginny! Life is all about balance, and your marriage, your life right now is horribly skewed out of balance. Please try and separate yourself from the chaos of your move. Get a to do list started, get a few good nights rest... and then in the way you would have to eat an elephant... one bite at a time, leaving his laundry unwashed, his food uncooked, his stuff undusted.... pick a corner of your house in a spot that will be comforting to you, like a window, or kitchen corner, and from your to do list, pick 3 things at a time you can carry, clean, organize. Then do only that, don't get sucked up into a frenzy to get it ALL done....eat something nutritious, take a relaxing bath or shower, go to bed, and eventually the chaos will be managed. Remind yourself that you can do nothing to force your husband to do anything, that has to come from him. Don't waste anymore energy on trying. Pick your battles, You only have control over how you react to things. And we all know, we ain't got enough energy on a good day. Hugs,

sue

 


God knows, even if I don't....
CNS Lupus 2005, APS, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis
Meds: Plaquenil, Neurontin, Thyroid, Piroxicam, Aspirin, Atenolol and Norvasc, Prednisone 5mg daily and Paxil, Ambien every night.


MJLD
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1048
   Posted 3/21/2009 10:16 AM (GMT -7)   
I am not married, but, I really think if he's not working there is no excuse for him not helping out around the house! Especially with setting up and moving in things. I'm with Ginny on this one. Judy

purplerose652
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 124
   Posted 3/21/2009 10:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all for your help and support. I told him I wasn't going to do anything for him anymore....but I have said that before. Since we have 2 children I have to cook anyway but I won't be doing anything extra for my husband. His insensitivity runs in his whole family because his sister has lupus and she lives in Florida with the rest of the family. None of them believe she is as sick as she is even though she has been on disability for 7 years and hasn't been able to work for 10. They all tell her she is lazy and addicted to pain pills. So she is moving to Boston to be near some cousins on their fathers side of the family who want to help her. I have learned with my husbands family that if they aren't feeling it then it isn't important. When my husband is sick or has a pain somewhere you would think he is dying. He goes to bed and stays there until he is better. But his attitude really makes me feel he doesn't really love me.
Take Care,
 
Renee
 
"Grace by which I stand."
 
Fibromyalgia, IBS,Gerd, Scoliosis, & Costochondritis, Lupus
 
 


Lollie2005
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 3/21/2009 12:55 PM (GMT -7)   
I thought that was a problem that only I was experiencing. I totally agree with everyone that it is so frustrating when your husband/ boyfriend just sits there and doesn't lift a finger. My boyfriend is the same way and I constantly tell him to help out and he considers that "nagging". I tell him if he did it after I said it one time, I wouldn't have to nag at him. I believe that even though men are stronger physically, they are not stronger mentally and emotionally, and that's why women run the households. I agree with Ginny that you need to stop doing so much for him, especially if he is not working. And that's why I too, am going to leave my boyfriend's piles of laundry for him to do himself.

alienwife
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 108
   Posted 3/21/2009 1:51 PM (GMT -7)   
my ex was that way . . .

weed the garden, feed the chickens, clean the chicken coop, clean the house, do my laundry, his laundry, my kids' laundry, his kid's laundry, do all the cooking, get up at 4:00 a.m. to make his lunch, make dinner every night, make dinner for his friends if they choose to show up at dinner time, plus work at least 40 hours a week because "everybody has to work and do their share".

His share? Go to work for 40 hours a week and kick back with a minimum of a 6 pack every night with his buddies . . .

my solution? i waited for him to leave for work one morning, packed my stuff, my kids and got the heck out. left the ring on the table with a note saying "nothing i do is ever enough for you". he begged me to come back, promising me the world and as soon as i said "no" he threw a tantrum like a 2 year old. that is when i knew that i would never go back to him because things would never change.

my hubby now is so much more supportive - although outsiders looking in say i treat him like a maid. really i don't, but we just have a much more manageable division of duties. he knows that i am tired, he knows i cannot do anything in the way of much physical labor otherwise i am just too worn out to function. if i need anything, i just say "honey, can you help me, please?" he does his own laundry, we alternate nights on dishes and cooking, i dust, he vacuums, i clean bathrooms, he takes care of the yardwork (his idea cuz he hates cleaning bathrooms)

maybe there is some way you can talk to your husbands/boyfriends and just explain to them that you realize it may be alot to ask of them, but you are just so tired and you need some help and when you have to constantly ask over and over again for them to help you, it makes you feel like they don't love you or care about you . . .

sometimes i think that men are oblivious to what goes on around them . . . they expect us to be strong for them and take care of them, but they don't always realize that we don't have endless energy and we need a little taking care of too . . . we are not their mothers or their maids . . . we are supposed to be their partners and have every right to insist they help us.

take a break, do something for yourself that makes YOU feel good! massage . . . bubble bath . . . chocolate . . . nap . . . whatever it is, spoil yourself a little and let hubby/boyfriends rot if they won't help you!
AlienWife
There are only two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Albert Einstein
Dx: SCLE, Sjogren's, Reynaud's, Peripheral Neuropathy


NanciLee
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 3/21/2009 5:04 PM (GMT -7)   
The man that will not bring your things in... maybe you should leave your stuff packed and piled untill he gets it.

God, don't you want to slap his face for his selfishess??
 


jhmom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 2244
   Posted 3/22/2009 7:03 PM (GMT -7)   
((((( Renee))))) I am definitely with Ginny on this one, let him do his own laundry, etc. Do what you can do and that's it! If you could get him to read "The Spoon Theory" as Sue suggested he may be able to understand what you live with on a daily basis.

Here is a link: www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf
Stacie
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding ~ Proverbs 3:5 ~

DX: Lupus, Sjogrens, Raynaud's, Hashimoto's and Celiac Disease
RX: Imuran, Plaquenil, Methotrexate, Flexeril, Piroxicam, Levoxyl, Folic Acid, Folgard OS (B12), Vitamin D-50,000 IU, Darvocet (as needed) and magic mouthwash (for mouth sores)


purplerose652
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 124
   Posted 3/22/2009 7:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone,

I finally got him to bring a FEW things in from the garage yesterday.....but he hasn't taken anything upstairs yet. I had a nightstand and some boxes that needed to go upstairs and they are still at the bottom of the stairs. But I guess I should count my blessings at this point...lol Thanks for all your support. You are all so great!
Take Care,
 
Renee
 
"Grace by which I stand."
 
Fibromyalgia, IBS,Gerd, Scoliosis, & Costochondritis, Lupus
 
 


joinery
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 323
   Posted 3/22/2009 8:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Renee , I agree with Ginny. I don't have that problem sice my husband is a brittle diabetic and me with lupus we always stay together no matter where we go , even cleaning the house we help each other out. I know before he was diagnose he help out alot more. I just hope your husband will start seeing you cannot do these things. I feel for you. Good Luck.
Debbie
Asthma,Lupus,H.B.P.,Dermatomyostis,Gastrparsis,Acid Reflux   
                Panic Attacks,Osteopenia,Thyroid  
  Reglan,Protonix,Synthroid,Plaquenil,Quinacrine,Flexeril,Zetia,Zoloft,Xnanx,Celebrex,Abuterol,  
  Advair,Diovan,Actonel,Prednisone on and off Eye Drops,VitaminD.     
 
 
 
 


alienwife
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 108
   Posted 3/23/2009 3:40 PM (GMT -7)   
i'm so glad he brought some things in for you! even if they are not where they are supposed to be yet . . . maybe you can pull the knob on the washer to start it for him once he gets his clothes in there ;) just joking . . . i really hope he comes around for you and starts pitching in to give you the help you need.
AlienWife
There are only two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Albert Einstein
Dx: SCLE, Sjogren's, Reynaud's, Peripheral Neuropathy

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