Hey everyone! I ran across this today and thought of you all! Hope you enjoy...
These are items from actual Medical Records!
- Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)
- The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- Patient stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
- Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
- The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
- Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
- Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
- Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. (Excuse me, what are you doing with that pen light?)
- She is numb from her toes down.
- Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. (Anatomy review time!)
- While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. (An empowered patient.)
- The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
- Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
- Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
- We will follow her eyes and nose with a foley catheter.
- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
- Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
- Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
- The patient refused an autopsy.
- The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
- The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.
21 years old...Systemic Lupus 11/07, lupus nephritis 01/09, raynoids 03/08, Carpal Tunnel 03/08
Ultram, Prednisone, Cell-Cept, Lisinopril, Imuran, Ambien, Flexeril, Darvocet, Ferrious Sulfade, Calcium, Vitamin B12, Chantex, Aspirin 81 mg, Vitamin C