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Butterflake
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 1551
   Posted 1/6/2010 12:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Everyone. I still have bad depression hanging on my back. I told my therapist I quit posting on the forum again. She knows HW is good for me. When she asked why I quit, I thought about it and said "I'm afraid they'll think I'm a real nut job." She said she's a psychologist and to trust her that I'm not a nut job. So once again I'm trying to reach out to my HW friends. I'm tapering my pred by 1mg every 2 weeks and I'm now at 11mg. I'm doing pretty well with my lupus and fibro- not too much pain and fatigue. My depression is also improving although I'm still on all the anti-psychotics, anti-anxiety, and anti-depressants I can choke down.  Ok, now for the nut job: thru therapy I recognized that I've been blaming myself for contracting lupus. If only I hadn't done this thing or maybe if I hadn't pushed myself so much I wouldn't have lupus. My therapist did say that I'm the only lupus patient she has that blames herself. So, the therapy continues. I still think of all of you often and hope you're having nice hot cups of tea. Love, Butterflake
Systemic Lupus ('05), depression, fibro, sjogrens, cns issues, diabetes, gerd, hypertension, colitis, stage 1 kidney disease  Rx: Cellcept, plaquenil, prednisone, celebrex, prozac, wellbutrin, klonopin, neurontin, ambien, lisionpril, actos, nexeum, simvastin, lomotil, cholestryramine, claritin, nasonex,  PRN: tylenol arthritis, flexeril, phenegren, vitamins, Acupuncture.  Donna 


aimsgirl16
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 1469
   Posted 1/6/2010 1:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Donna :)! Its good hearing from you again. I want you to know that you are not alone in blaming yourself for causing lupus. I ask myself everyday if its something I did and what I could have done differenlty. I blame myself even though I know its most likely nothing I have done. I hope you will continue to talk with us and I know I miss you as well as many other members! I am aslo glad that your lupus and fibro are doing ok, that is good news. Please keep us posted on how you are doing!!!!

MJLD
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1048
   Posted 1/6/2010 1:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Butterflake,
     I think we have all played the blame game;  and carry guilt for being sick. "Guilt" is a normal step on the road to acceptance. Recently, I was mentally kicking myself for never actually reaching the "acceptance" stage after so many years and while mulling this over and trying to rationalize- it occurred to me that due to the very nature of Lupus you can't just "accept" it and plan around it and move on, because you never know what's around the corner with this disease.
     Try not to beat yourself up.  Hang in there!!!  Bless you, Judy

Lynnwood
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 7020
   Posted 1/6/2010 3:49 PM (GMT -7)   
I still sorta' blame myself, even when I know better. Depression is a heck of a lot worse in the winter. Ick.
Lynnwood, Lupus & Sjogren's Moderator
"Life is far too important to be taken seriously" - Oscar Wilde


PattyLatty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 2570
   Posted 1/6/2010 5:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Donna,

This disease makes us nuts! And depressed! I've quit going to therapy because I don't want to have to bum a ride (can't drive for a couple of months) and I miss it. It's folks like you that make this forum a great place, and I for one, want you back. I miss having you here.

I took my hubby (rather he took me) to my rheumy appt yesterday and since I had a MAN with me, the rheumy spent a lot of time being real open with us. He has all of my medical records from other rheumys, and at one point told us that it's hard to get three rheumys together that agree with each other. It was interesting seeing how this disease causes him to be nuts too.

Depression I can identify with and I honestly believe that my condition is caused more by depression than by lupus. But I don't talk about that except here with my safe friends. I just wish I knew how to pick myself up.

Good for you for tapering on your prednisone. I took my last pill yesterday.

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah (does the happy prednisone dance)

Just know that we're here whenever you need us. But don't beat yourself up for not being here.

And a cup of hot tea back at ya!

Love ya,

Pat
SLE, fibro, renauds, restless leg, hiatal hernia, double vision, migraines, costocondritis.

prednisone, plaquenil, leflunomide, neurontin, synthroid, triamterene, actonel, niaspan, lyrica, tri-est, cymbalta, acifex


mom46
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2004
Total Posts : 8198
   Posted 1/6/2010 7:23 PM (GMT -7)   
(((Donna)))),
Here's a nice hot cup a tea for you sweetie!! It's easy to blame ourselves for this disease although, we aren't to blame. For me, the depression comes from not being able to do the things I once could do. And the guilt of my family having to endure the complications associated with the disease.

I've always had this tough gal type of attitude all my life, but let me tell you, God has adjusted my attitude on several occasions....:)

I shrugged off suggestions of seeing a therapist for many years. A little over a year ago my rheumy sent me to a psycologist for a NeuroPsyco exam and I have been seeing him on a regular basis since then. However, everytime he says I'm depressed, I tell him "I'm not depressed, I'm stressed!"

You know the old, "Brain vs. Body battle syndrome." I still have those from time to time. The battles seem to be getter better for me lately. Maybe it's the old age or it could be the therapy working?

Know that we are always here for you sweetie. You can cross this bridge! One step at a time! Please keep us updated and take care. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love you friend, Babs

Butterflake
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 1551
   Posted 1/7/2010 6:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Amy it's great to know that I'm not the only lupie with irrational thinking.  
Judy, maybe you're right that it's just so hard to accept lupus. I get so upset when I've planned to do something and can't.
Patti I'm going to have to stay at 5mg pred. I'm jealous that you're off the pred, but you go girl!
Lynnwood, now that winter soltice is past I might feel better.
OK Babs. Do you remember that I was in the Air Force and then worked in Federal prisons for years? I don't have much of that tough attitude left, but God still adjusts my attitude regularly. I really gotta remember to take baby steps across the bridge.
I want to thank each of you for the replies. It sure does help. I played trivia today and I hope it helps me socialize. I had hot herb tea yesterday which was great. Sometimes it's the little things. Love, Butterflake
Systemic Lupus ('05), depression, fibro, sjogrens, cns issues, diabetes, gerd, hypertension, colitis, stage 1 kidney disease  Rx: Cellcept, plaquenil, prednisone, celebrex, prozac, wellbutrin, klonopin, neurontin, ambien, lisionpril, actos, nexeum, simvastin, lomotil, cholestryramine, claritin, nasonex,  PRN: tylenol arthritis, flexeril, phenegren, vitamins, Acupuncture.  Donna 


redrose77
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 2573
   Posted 1/7/2010 12:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Butterflake, I sometimes wonder if I had done something differently would I have been diagnosed sooner and would the disease have been milder. I blame myself for all my limits and the things I can't do and I know better. I never thought about all the guilt we lay on ourselves as a result of this disease but dang we all really need to stop blaming ourselves, then again who do we blame when we stop feeling guilty because as human beings we need someone to lay all that blame on.
Dx:fibromyalgia 2002, systematic lupus 2005- definate CNS involvement dxed late 2005, psoriasis 2006, rheumatoid arthritis 2006, PTSD 2007, multiple allergies 2005, migraine, compression fractures T11 & T12, Sj√∂gren's, damaged periphrial nerves 2007, exema
Tx: plaquenil, Enbrel, Tramadol, Singulair, Skelaxin, Baby Asprin, Imuran, Prilosec, lasix, Evoxac, Celebrex, Darvocet when things get too bad, prednisone again, various vitamin/mineral supplements, cozar
"Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible." T. E. Lawrence


PattyLatty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 2570
   Posted 1/7/2010 1:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Donna,

Way to go - I love your comment that sometimes it's the little things. Do you ever get on the chat room? I rarely do, but that would be a good time to sit down with a cup of herb tea and chat with some of the folks here. Glad you got a little help here. And happy that you came back.

Pat
SLE, fibro, renauds, restless leg, hiatal hernia, double vision, migraines, costocondritis.

prednisone, plaquenil, leflunomide, neurontin, synthroid, triamterene, actonel, niaspan, lyrica, tri-est, cymbalta, acifex


okie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 2818
   Posted 1/7/2010 4:31 PM (GMT -7)   

Well thanks alot Donna! You're one of the people I can always count on to come here see your post and know I will be able to relate to it. Now you're gonna tell me you're nuts??? Where exactly does that leave me?confused I thought I had it together now I am totally disillusioned!sad

I have never thought of being sick as my fault. I have done plenty of things in my life that I am the only one I can blame for but this? No way.

It's kind of hard to blame myself for a disease that  if you cram all the doctor DX's together I would be sick with something calls crestofbilateralchirrorisisofsclerodermalupusnothingwrongwithme disease. I guess what I am saying if 5 doctors can't nail it down to maybe 2 or 3 possibilities then how can you possibly feel guilty about something no one understands. Ok so if you go out  playing with chickens and get chicken poxs that's one thing but what is known about this disease could fit  on a pin a a needle.

I do beleive that depresion and anxiety is part of the disease simply because of the organs involved. Kind of like we usually run low grade fevers with this stuff even if we don't feel sick. It's just the bodies way of dealing.

You need to keep coming back here no matter how you feel if for no other reason then to write down all the people on here that are more of a nut job then you are. It's like chicken soup for the soul!

love ya

carol

 

 



systemic sclerosis sine scleroderma,sleep apnea,Megaloblastic anemia
what ever that is.
 
 

Post Edited (okie) : 1/7/2010 4:34:08 PM (GMT-7)


MJLD
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1048
   Posted 1/7/2010 6:34 PM (GMT -7)   
ROFLOL!!! (((((((((CAROL)))))))))))) So well said!!! I have surely missed you!!! No one could say it quite like you!!! Love ya, Judy

jhmom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 2244
   Posted 1/7/2010 7:18 PM (GMT -7)   
(((((( CAROL ))))))) LOL.... you crack me up. I have missed you so much! You have such a way with words ;)

(((( Donna )))) I have missed you too! You are NOT a nut job, if you are then we ALL are nono Depression is a nasty thing and on top of lupus and everything else I know it must be tough. It's great the lupus and fibro are quiet now, hang out here with us and we'll do our best to help you through this, you don't have to do it alone. Love ya
Stacie
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding ~ Proverbs 3:5 ~

DX: Lupus, Sjogrens, Raynaud's, Hashimoto's and Celiac Disease
RX: Imuran, Plaquenil, Methotrexate, Flexeril, Piroxicam, Levoxyl, Folic Acid and Tramadol (as needed) and magic mouthwash ( as needed for mouth sores)

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