Carol, you aren't the only one up at 6:00 in the morning. I want you to know I understand your feelings. I'm sorry about you losing your husband. I wasn't aware of that part. I do completely understand being 45 myself but feeling and looking a LOT older. It is completely normal to want to have a companion around, of having someone special in your life just for "you", of wanting someone to say "Goodmorning Carol" or "Goodnight". I have never experienced the loss of a husband but do understand the feelings you are describing in your message. I always feel like the "fifth wheel" as well. Seems everyone on earth has someone but me (I know that isn't true but it feels like it). I did see a counselor for a while and yeh did talk to her about all the stuff you mention and she was able to help me work out some of the feelings I was having. I think it is a good idea for you to do this for yourself. I have been worried about how depressed you sound like you are becoming and talking to someone is a good idea. It didn't help me meet the love of my life or anything like that but it did help me out of the depression and gave me some helpful life adjustments that I could use. Keep me posted as to how you are doing.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Hi Diane, thanks for responding. I actually thought about coming back on here and deleting this post. I thought it would be good to talk about it but now i'm rather embarassed. Yeah I don't have any fantasy about meeting mr right. I don't think mr right could fix me or anything either. I think most of all I really hate my body. I had a lot of neg. thoughts yesterday. Not suicidal but just hateful angry thoughts about being stuck in this body!
I'm glad you had some success with counseling. I appreciate your being open with me about it. I hope if you want someone in your life they will show up soon.
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Post Edited (hippimom2) : 7/11/2007 10:41:01 AM (GMT-6)
You should in no way feel embarrassed about talking here about your feelings. We all know and understand about hating the bodies we got stuck with and hate this disease all the same. We all go thru time when it just hurts a little too much or yet another doctor visit that we have to go to and seems like everything is going wrong and it gets us down. You are not alone. I have not lost all hope of meeting Mr. Right but, you know, I'm okay with that too. That is what part of my counseling was about - not having someone in my life and how I should deal with it. I have my family and friends and that is okay with me at this point in my life. Yeh, like you, I see all the happy couples and wish it were me and such. It's normal human emotion. I am glad you posted as I am sure there are others just like me and you that feel the same way. It's not anything to be embarrassed or ashamed of. I suffer from major anxiety. I take my Xanax and it helps some. We, unfortunately, have to live with this disease and if talking to a counselor or psychiatrist or someone else helps us deal with this, then we should. I hope you can find someone who is familiar with your disease and can help you somehow find some peace of mind with your life. If you need us, we are here. You are never alone.
Hi Hippi, Jen, Pat, Diane, and Des.
Once again you guys have come to my rescue. I was so close to hitting the delete button. Than I thought No Carol you can't set here and do nothing and expect to miraculously get better. I truly do feel safe with you. I just didn't want you to think I had vision of a man making everything in my life ok again. Well I do believe one man can but he walked on water. I've been on the phone looking under psychiatrist and psychlogist and counselors and no one close by takes my insurance. I thought about asking my pastor but my brother is the associate pastor there and I really don't think I'd feel comfortable. Nor do I think they are qualified with dealing with chronic disease. I don't want to travel 2 hours to see a doctor every week or two that's just not realistic.
Pat you mentioned not seeing anything for depression. That is what the effexor is for. They recently increased it from 75mil. to 150 mil. I sometimes think it made things worse. I started taking trazadone after my brother commited suicide. It gave me the screaming meemies. I had the most vivid nightmares I couldn't take it. prozac did nothing either. neither did welbutrin. or busbar. Unfortunately depresssion runs in my family. I have cousins, uncles and brother that all commited suicide. I'm not suicidal though. Probably because I continue to strive for somthing better. I have not given up hope.
Des my church has about 50 people in it. there are only about 2000 in my town and about 8 churches. welcome to the bible belt! Most of the people here are much older than I am. All though once ya hit fifty a 75 year old man with one foot in the grave and lots of money starts looking pretty good! LOL Just lightening the mood here.
Jen, you nailed that one with the not taking care of myself when I feel like garbage. I don't even put my teeth in unless I have to go somewhere. I have started do some excercises though. I went from a 36 inch waste to a 33 in waste in the past 3 weeks. So I'm down to wearing my size 11 jeans. Of course I can't breath in them but I can button em! LOL.
Diane, I'm so glad you were able to get counseling. I hope mr.right does come along for you. On the possitive side of not having a man around you don't have to worry about falling in the toilet in the dark cuz someone left the seat up!
Hippi your right I lived in a small town before now I live in an even smaller town now. But when I stayed with my folks in phoenix I was to ashamed about how I looked to even go any where. I really appreciate all your support and information. It means alot to me to have you share your feelings. I'm sure you are a wonderful mom and wife. Even if we can't do all the things we used to do that doesn't change who we are. From all your compassionate replies I'm sure your family loves and appreciates you.
Well I guess I better get back to the phone book. I put in a call and got an emergency number. They said I needed to call back during business hours. I said well when is that? She said I don't know??????? So she took a message for me. But it sure didn't sound to promising.
wish me luck
thank you all again
Hi Jen, I know I should put my teeth in but I get sores on my gums and it hurts. Plus I have a bad habit with my anxiety to clamp my teeth together. Your are right that when I exercise it does seem to make me feel a bit better. I also noticed it keeps me from being so hungry. I assume it has somthing to do with kicking in fat burning metabolism. I actually had read that exercise can curb your appetite. I have a library 2 miles from my house and I am much more willing to check out the library first before paying out good money for a book. especially on a limited budget. If you have a title I can get it out at the library. I didn't have any luck finding a counselor that takes my insurance yet.
Post Edited By Moderator (Lynnwood) : 7/12/2007 9:32:53 AM (GMT-6)