Feeling pretty sad right now...may be slow healing process

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sharentrials
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 261
   Posted 9/22/2007 3:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi to everyone. I just experienced Wednesday night and Thursday what I have dreaded for a few years now. (Marji, if you're reading this, you'll see exactly how I knew just how you felt when your little dog passed away not long ago.) This really doesn't have anything to do with lupus, but I thought I'd share so you'd understand if I'm a little inactive for awhile. Wednesday night was a complete nightmare for me. Prissy (A sheltie that looks like a small Lassie, my dog who was about to turn 12 years old that I've had ever since the car wreck that disabled me) started sneezing in the bedroom and came all the way through the apartment sneezing hard <snip>, I'm sure she was trying to get to me. I got her down in the kitchen floor but she continued sneezing blood on me and all over the kitchen. It just broke my heart! <snip> I didn't know what to do. All of the vets offices were closed and I knew that they really were out of ideas without an endoscope anyway (which they didn't have a small enough one in there office). I had already spent $350 trying to get her nose taken care of back in June. She had already had a Grade 2 Sacrcoma (cancer) removed a couple years ago; I'm now sure with those things that came out of her nose she also had some type of tumor in there as well. (The vet had already suspected that anyway.) It has continued bleeding lightly since back in June when they did all that work on her, just to a much lesser extent than this. Her nose finally clotted, but she was still having a hard time breathing. She would go through spells where she'd seem okay and then that trouble breathing would happen again. <snip>

I called the vet early Thursday and with very little sleep we ended up taking her over there and having her put to sleep. I know she had to be in so much pain. I have never seen that much blood except on TV in some murder crime scene. I just knew that even if I was able to keep her going just a little longer, that this was going to keep happening and at least 2 of the dozen lumps she had on her body were growing larger in size and would have to be removed as well (also probably cancerous). I just feel SO sad without her. She really meant the world to me. I have had her since just after my accident. She was a lot of company to me when I could not drive and had to stay home so much. I feel like a part of me died with her. I keep questioning my decision even though I know that it was the right thing to do. Just her daily care was becoming such a job, especially since the bleeding started back in June. She wouldn't come and get me to take her to potty; and when I would set alarms to take her, lots of times she'd just lay there and I'd actually have to bend over and physically help her stand to go outside. When I would put her food down in the mornings, I would have to do pretend "magic tricks" to get her to eat and when that stopped working I'd have to get in the floor and put the food in her mouth by hand to get her to even eat. I am just very sad right now. I am just trying to remember the good times and keep myself distracted as much as possible. It's really quiet here in my apartment, so I don't like staying in here for long intervals because my mind drifts to thinking of her absence. All of this is why I may not be very active here for awhile. I will try to keep up by reading your posts, but I've already seen some things I wanted to reply to and just couldn't gather my thoughts enough to do so right now.

On a lighter note, I had my appt. with my rheumy yesterday. It was another nice, relaxed appt. with him taking time and going into much detail in answering my questions. (I thank goodness that I took the time to finish up with
those and get my questions all written out last Sunday so I didn't have to worry with all that Thursday.) I explained to him what happened with Prissy and how important she was to me. He wants to give me a couple of weeks before we try to taper anymore. We will also wait to see if any other problems arise when I taper and do more blood work then.

I am hoping that you all are doing well. I will try to keep up to date with reading your posts and slowly try to begin replying again when I can gather my thoughts. You guys are the greatest, I am so glad I found this forum.

<snipped some bits out for extremely graphic content?

Post Edited By Moderator (Lynnwood) : 9/22/2007 7:12:36 PM (GMT-6)


Barbara Lee
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Date Joined Sep 2003
Total Posts : 2889
   Posted 9/22/2007 6:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Sharen:

Awwwww.............I'm so so sorry that you had to put your dog down. Gentle ((((hugs)))) for you, it's so hard when we're faced with this. I had to put my beloved cat down in 2001, we had her for 18 years and we were devastated at having to put her down. She was like your dog she was bleeding from the nose, and refused to eat or drink. She just laid in the chair for two day prior to my taking her to the vet. My suggestion to you is to treat this loss just like you would if it was a family member you lost. Our pets are a huge part of our families and it's normal to grieve their loss. Prissy was your baby and you need to go through the grief process, know that I'm hear for you if you need me.

As to your rheumy being good with you that's wonderful news and I'm very happy to hear that he listened to you. I agree that when we are feeling stressed out we need additional prednisone to get us over the hump. I hope that you continue to improve and I hope that soon you'll be able to taper more. I just wanted to pass along some hugs and encouragement. I hope that you know we're here for you and we'll always listen.

Take care,
Barbara
dx fibro, SLE, glaucoma, cateracts, bells palsy, depression, migraine headaches, gastreopaersis, chronic anemia, RA,MDS (Blood Cancer). Tons of meds.


dbab
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Date Joined Jan 2004
Total Posts : 4151
   Posted 9/22/2007 8:22 PM (GMT -7)   
(((Sharen))) I'm so sorry about your dog. My heart breaks for you. I am extremely attached to my dog so I know how much pain you are going through right now. I just wanted to give you some hugs. Please don't feel bad about the forum, this is a very hard time for you and we are here if you need us.

Take Care
"Des"
Co-Moderator ~ IBS Forum & Co-Moderator ~ Lupus Forum 
Dx: IBS 1989, Diverticulosis 2004, Idiopathic Acute Colitis 2006, UCTD 2007
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AlwaysRosie
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 9/22/2007 8:46 PM (GMT -7)   
OH Sharon, I am SO sorry for your loss. Losing a special pet IS so very difficult and the people around us just don't realize what those special friends mean to us. You did absolutely the right thing for your little friend. She had much extra time because of the care you gave her. We lost our 13 yr old Chelsea in much the same way (multiple tumors, multiple surgeries, she begain bleeding puddles from the tissue in her mouth and we had her put to sleep the next day . . . *sigh*) I was SO sad I had a hard time functioning and I couldn't let on at work because my boss had lost his 18 yr old son a month before *sigh* so I felt guilty for grieving so much about a dog . . . but the truth is, she was part of our family and a huge loss . . .

My point is . . . go ahead and grieve and don't feel bad for it. It couldn't feel any worse if it was your best human friend who died. I'm teary thinking about the pain you are feeling right now.

I will give each of my dogs an extra hug this evening. So sorry you have to go through this and I'm sending you some hot tea sis!!

Hugs and blessings!

In His Grip

AlwaysRosie           "We can't control the waves, but we can learn how to surf!!"

Psalms 139

Co-Moderator - Lupus Forum

UCTD, Hashimotos, Inflammatory Bowel, Inflammatory Arthritis

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Gidget^
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 171
   Posted 9/22/2007 8:48 PM (GMT -7)   
sharen,
I am so very sorry to hear what you and Prissy had to go through. It is so very hard to let a pet go and you need to take time to grieve your loss. Our pets are family, confidants, and so many days a reason to get out of bed. Isn't it amazing when they know we don't feel good and stay close to us. The memories you have of her will comfort you in the days to come. I'm sending you warm hugs. Take care of yourself.

Hugs,
Gidget^


_____________________________________________________________________________________


omega
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Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 607
   Posted 9/23/2007 1:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Sharen
I am sorry to hear about Prissy. My heart goes out for you. It feels like the loss of a family member. I understand the pain you are going through for I also lost one of my lovely cats few years ago. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers, knowing that Prissy is in a place where there is no pain and where there are lots of happiness.

PattyLatty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 2570
   Posted 9/23/2007 5:48 AM (GMT -7)   
(((((Sharen)))))

I'm so sad for you right now. Prissy sounds like she was a wonderful companion and it took courage on your part to take away her pain. We're faced with the same prospect with our sweet and gentle Sister who's a 13 or 14 year old rescue dog that we've had for 10 years. She has lupus, is deaf, and has cataracts. She's such a wonderful old dog and i know that her day will come sooner than later. But your pain is right now and I agree with Rosie, go ahead and grieve your loss.

Love,

Pat
Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Sjogren's, osteoarthritis, fibro, ibs, renauds, restless leg, hiatal hernia, double vision, migraines.
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hippimom2
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Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 5403
   Posted 9/23/2007 9:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Sharen, I feel so bad for you and for the loss you are going through. I have loved all the dogs I have had, but there was that one very special dog that I had whose death was especially hard for me and still is. The decision to put her to sleep was almost unbearable, but there really was no other option at the time, although I still question whether I could have done something more. She's been gone for almost 6 years and there are times I still grieve for her. All of us animal lovers really understand how our pets really become part of our families and understand the depth of grief that is felt.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. (((((Hugs)))))
Diagnosis:  UCTD (lupus) 2006; Raynauds 2006; Sjogren's 2006; lupus symptoms began 2003; CFS 1991; Mono 1985
Meds:  Plaquenil 400mg; Prednisone 5-10mg; Tramadol 100mg 3-4x daily; Doxepin 25-50mg; Prevacid; Steriod Cream and Mouth Rinse for tongue and mouth ulcers; Hydrocodone 5/500 prn for severe pain; Artificial tears

 

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sharentrials
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 261
   Posted 9/23/2007 3:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello to everyone. Thank you SO much to every single one of you who replied to my post about my Prissaloo. Thank you for sharing your own painful losses as well. I don't know what I would do without this forum. I know I don't know each of you personally, but you each speak from the heart and you would not believe the comfort that provides. Certain members of my own family are aware of my loss and know better than I was able to explain to you in my original post how much Prissy meant to me, yet they say very little and some don't even call at all. I just don't understand how disconnected our world has become. I am taking this very slowly. I went to a local florist and purchased a real wooden cross that is stained really pretty. As I talked with him about Prissy, he made a beautiful, puffy ribbon bow with pink flowers coming out of either side of it to affix to the cross. My bf buried her under the trees at my mom's where we've buried loved pets in past years. I can go visit and just sit under the shade of those trees any time if I need to. She was my baby. I know God gave me Prissy at a time shortly after my wreck when I needed her company awfully bad. She has had her own share of health problems through the years and I think that was what helped her be so gentle and understanding when I needed her most. It just came to a point this week when I could no longer bear to see her suffer for my sake. I had to give her back to God to take care of her. That was honestly the absolute hardest thing I've ever had to do in my whole life. The ONLY thing that my sanity rest's in is knowing that my sweet baby who has been there for me for so many years isn't limping around and licking the blood from her nose like she's had to do since June. I am sitting here now crying like a baby, but I know this is part of the process and I just wanted to send a heart felt thank you to each one of you.
Always looking for the silver lining, Sharen

SLE '06, Sjogren's '06, Traumatic Head Injury '94
Prednisone 10mg and tapering, Caltrate 1200mg, Multi-vitamin, Prevacid 30 mg, Actonel 35mg


AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 9/23/2007 7:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Some hot tea, a box of tissue, great chocolates and a big hug for you Sharen . . . It is a very hard thing you are going through. I'm sorry those around you don't understand. I was blessed to have the consoling arms of my hubby to get me through the loss of our dear Chelsea. I hope there is a special understanding person who shows up for you too. You are right . . . most people are clueless of what we go through when we lose such a special friend.

You are in my thoughts and prayers sis.

Blessings!

In His Grip

AlwaysRosie           "We can't control the waves, but we can learn how to surf!!"

Psalms 139

Co-Moderator - Lupus Forum

UCTD, Hashimotos, Inflammatory Bowel, Inflammatory Arthritis

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emmi
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Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 9/23/2007 8:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Sharen,

I'm so glad your bf was there for you. The spot at your mom's sounds just perfect. I'm so happy for you that you found a beautiful cross that pleases you so much.

As so many of the others have said, I too have special family members of the four legged type in my family. With each of them but one who had a tragic accident, it was a condition that led to having to have them put down. We also we able to have a lovely spot to bury them and that really help ease our pain.

Cry your tears but trust that in the weeks to come you will be able to remember her with love without sobbing (just a few tears) and eventually a sad smile. She will always, always be in your heart.

xoxo emmie
</FONT>

SLE, limited scleroderma, Sjogrens, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, seizure disorder, Raynauds, Hashimoto's (or Autoimmune) Enchephalopathy


cured4real?
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 1944
   Posted 9/24/2007 12:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh Sharen--
I really feel so bad for you. It is so awful seeing your pet suffer and then be gone. Please remember there is some lucky dog out there on death row in a shelter, or waiting for a home somewhere that may not replace your Prissy but will fill that empty spot in the household and be very very grateful for the chance to be your pet. I know that I just can't stand the silent household without my dogs. Its awful. I feel for you and sorry I haven't been out much. Been getting sick with gi now that I'm off the pred. Many (((hugs))) and maybe, in her memory, you can give another dog a wonderful home someday. I'm so sorry this has happened to you and Prissy. It just hurts. Everyone has said so many good things, there isn't much I can add except that again I'm so sorry and I know what you are going through.
Love, Marji
--Doctors are men who prescribe medicines of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less in human beings of whom they know nothing.--Voltaire (1694-1778)
Ills--Sjogrens-Lupus-like AI Disease, Hashis, Vitiligo, spinal stenosis/fusion with plate, salivary/lymphectomies, Diabetes, NAFLD, COPD, RLS, neuropathy, trigonitis, hystero, diffuse brain atrophy
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AlwaysRosie
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 9/24/2007 7:27 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey Sharen,

I thought of a poem that someone sent me when our Chelsea passed.   Thought you might like too.  Here is the link:  The Rainbow Bridge

Blessings!

In His Grip

AlwaysRosie           "We can't control the waves, but we can learn how to surf!!"

Psalms 139

Co-Moderator - Lupus Forum

UCTD, Hashimotos, Inflammatory Bowel, Inflammatory Arthritis

Clickable Links:  Lupus Resources    Lupous.Org   Lupus Criteria (4 of 11)   Lupus Chapter Locator


sharentrials
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 261
   Posted 9/24/2007 8:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all again. I did a little better today...not quite so many breakdowns, but then I had an appt. this morning so my mind was much busier today. I did go by my mom's and visit Prissy's place after my appt. My bf has also been very understanding and talks me through the upsets whenever he can. Everyone's words here are also very special. I appreciate you all so much. Each person has shared personal feelings involving their own pets. I needed each and every one of them and thank you all so much. I did just want to say to Rosie that the poem you included the link to was very special. I have printed that and will leave it on my nightstand to read over and think about as I'm going to bed each night. Thanks again to everyone and I'm remembering each of you in my prayers for whatever you may be dealing with right now.
Always looking for the silver lining, Sharen

SLE '06, Sjogren's '06, Traumatic Head Injury '94
Prednisone 10mg and tapering, Caltrate 1200mg, Multi-vitamin, Prevacid 30 mg, Actonel 35mg


dbab
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Date Joined Jan 2004
Total Posts : 4151
   Posted 9/25/2007 6:53 AM (GMT -7)   
I wanted to share a poem with you as well... I think its very beautiful

I Stood By Your Bed
"Des"
Co-Moderator ~ IBS Forum & Co-Moderator ~ Lupus Forum 
Dx: IBS 1989, Diverticulosis 2004, Idiopathic Acute Colitis 2006, UCTD 2007
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AlwaysRosie
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 9/25/2007 9:02 AM (GMT -7)   
OK Des . . . I know that poem was for Sharen . . . but I'm actually crying! That was so touching! Thank you for sharing.

In His Grip

AlwaysRosie           "We can't control the waves, but we can learn how to surf!!"

Psalms 139

Co-Moderator - Lupus Forum

UCTD, Hashimotos, Inflammatory Bowel, Inflammatory Arthritis

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sharentrials
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 261
   Posted 9/25/2007 1:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks so much Des. You guys are awesome! I printed that one too. There are also some great pet loss resources in the "links" section at the bottom of the page. I really appreciate you all. Thank you,
Always looking for the silver lining, Sharen

SLE '06, Sjogren's '06, Traumatic Head Injury '94
Prednisone 10mg and tapering, Caltrate 1200mg, Multi-vitamin, Prevacid 30 mg, Actonel 35mg


okie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 2818
   Posted 9/25/2007 2:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Sharen, I'm sorry I didn't post before but my energy level has been at a minimum. Our pet's are so much more than pets. They are part of our family. We go through so much together. It's hurts badly when we loose them. I lost my cat when I moved to oklahoma. She was 18 years old and very poor health. She was one that liked to roam so she knew the neighbors porch as well as my house. I knew she would never be able to make the trip to ok. so I left her with them. They are my dearest friends. So she got to spend her last days in the place that she had always known and had another cat to pal around with. I sent them money to care for her which they didn't care one way or another about but I needed to do that. Anyway they called me 6 months later to tell me she was gone and that they buried her on the property. I have so many wonderful memories that if I started to tell you about them I'm sure I would start crying again. The daymy husband died (she was his cat) she came in my room and meowed at me until I woke up. That was about 2 mins. before the hospital called at 6 am. She never did that before. but she was right there for the phone call. Than on this trip my SIL called and said I hate to tell youthis but Taco has been missing since yesterday! I handled it very well until the last when I said just call me if you hear anything. Anyway the good news is he ran off from their house and they found him on the porch at my house! Thank God for that. I'm glad you're having a better day. Hang in there I'll catch up more when I get back.
love ya
carol
God Bless
Carol
Lupus, possible Crest, COPD, Cervical Cancer survivor. Osteoporosis
Prednisone 5mg, Plaquanil 800mg,Evista60mg, Effexor 150mg, HCTZ25/Triamterene37.5mg,Xanax x3
 
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sharentrials
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 261
   Posted 9/25/2007 8:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Carol. Just seeing your name made me cry (before I even read your post). I've missed you! I'll be glad when you're back. Take care of yourself. I don't think you need to worry about me, everyone here has really reached out more than I ever imagined and that has really been comforting. Right now, I am just trying to force myself to realize that I did what I had to do so my stupid brain will just leave me alone with the guilt. I think my head injury must play some part in this. Surely normal people don't question themselves this much? I'm sure this will get easier as more time passes. It's just really slow going right now. My emotional roller coaster has sent my blood sugar sky rocketing even though I'm following my "good foods" that I found to keep it under control. I just hope I am doing better emotionally in a couple of weeks because that's when I'm supposed to start the new taper. Thanks for dropping me a note. Take care and we look forward to your return,
Always looking for the silver lining, Sharen

SLE '06, Sjogren's '06, Traumatic Head Injury '94
Prednisone 10mg and tapering, Caltrate 1200mg, Multi-vitamin, Prevacid 30 mg, Actonel 35mg


PattyLatty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 2570
   Posted 9/26/2007 12:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Sharen, just a note to tell you I'm thinking about you.

(((Hugs))))

Pat
Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Sjogren's, osteoarthritis, fibro, ibs, renauds, restless leg, hiatal hernia, double vision, migraines.
cellcept, neurontin, prednisone, plaquenil, synthroid, triamterene, tramadol, actonel, tri-est, imitrex, cymbalta, multivitamin, calcium w vit D, fish oil, aspirin


sharentrials
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 261
   Posted 9/26/2007 5:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Pat. I really appreciate everyone's support. I know this forum is for lupus issues and I am trying to get past this, but it's got me...bad! I have never grieved so much or so hard even over a person before; but then fortunately I haven't experienced too much death. I just really took Prissy for granted because I guess I had her for so long. She really helped me so much after my accident and even since this lupus took off. I miss her and I even miss how tiring it was becoming taking care of her. She really meant the world to me. I really thank you for reaching out. This has got to get easier. It has been a week tonight since the big incident and I only have more week before I am supposed to start a new taper. Any prayers for settling my spirit over this would be much appreciated.
Always looking for the silver lining, Sharen

SLE '06, Sjogren's '06, Traumatic Head Injury '94
Prednisone 10mg and tapering, Caltrate 1200mg, Multi-vitamin, Prevacid 30 mg, Actonel 35mg


AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 9/26/2007 6:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Sharen . . . I am SO connecting with you over this. I was actually ashamed for the grief I felt over losing my Chelsea. Please do allow yourself to grieve . . . but do NOT feel guilty for freeing her from her ill body . . . you were doing a decent thing for her when you let her go. W/O your help, she would have died way before this.

I'm still ashamed to admit it, but it was harder than some people funerals . . . our pets are integral parts of every minute in our home. A good dog will sense your emotion better than your best friend and they can respond in just the right way. Your Prissy got you through some extremely difficult times and never complained about and you were there for her too.

I think when we are chronically ill, these pets become our therapists, and our consolation . . . at any rate . . . with a loss for words to describe how deeply attached we become . . . I am sure feeling for you about your loss.

It took almost a year for my husband to consider another puppy and I can tell you that until the moment I took my little Cluny home, I came home each day with a knot in my gut and tears for the emptiness in my home. One dog did not replace the other, but the pup did complete my cycle of grief and begin the healing process. Cluny is now Cluny and Patrick and we have a litter of puppies just 11 days old. I think of you each time I hold my little babies and I'm so sad for your loss sis. Your grieving process will take lots of time and I'm not suggesting a pup before its the right time for you. . . but I can see with another little one licking away your tears and lying next to you while you sleep. I wish that all of our combined sympathy could make this easier for you sis . . . please know that each of us is hurting for you in a way that we wish would subtract that much hurt from you.

Prayers, hugs and blessings sweet sister!

In His Grip

AlwaysRosie           "We can't control the waves, but we can learn how to surf!!"

Psalms 139

Co-Moderator - Lupus Forum

UCTD, Hashimotos, Inflammatory Bowel, Inflammatory Arthritis

Clickable Links:  Lupus Resources    Lupous.Org   Lupus Criteria (4 of 11)   Lupus Chapter Locator


sharentrials
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 261
   Posted 9/27/2007 7:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Rosie. I did much better today than I did yesterday. I thought it was going to be another really sad day because I woke up in the same sad shape I was in when I went to bed last night. Fortunately, my bf was here and he sat down with me and let me have a good cry and seriously talked to me about what Prissy was going through, how he knew from how he saw her go down especially since the spring of this year that I did the right thing, and we also talked about how very special she is to me. I think it really helped me to get it all out again. We've gone over it and over it already, but he said we could talk like that just as much as I needed to. He also pointed out that it has only been 1 week. I don't think I will ever consider having another dog. Not only has it become physically too much for me, but I don't think I could ever feel as close to another one. I cannot put into words just how Prissy connected with me. I think God picked her for me with all her health problems because he knew of all of mine to come. Thank you for your special understanding. I appreciate every single word that everyone has shared. Thanks so much,
Always looking for the silver lining, Sharen

SLE '06, Sjogren's '06, Traumatic Head Injury '94
Prednisone 10mg and tapering, Caltrate 1200mg, Multi-vitamin, Prevacid 30 mg, Actonel 35mg


AlwaysRosie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 9/27/2007 8:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Sharen . . . so glad that your bf was so tender. What a blessing. I'll be thinking about you in the days/weeks ahead.

Blessings!

In His Grip

AlwaysRosie           "We can't control the waves, but we can learn how to surf!!"

Psalms 139

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