In His Grip
AlwaysRosie "We can't control the waves, but we can learn how to surf!!"
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UCTD, Hashimotos, Inflammatory Bowel, Inflammatory Arthritis
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Hi Marji, I'm the parent of a 27 year old son and 22 year old daughter. I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt sick or not sick our kids will try to minipulate us. I'm still waiting for my own kids to grow up. I think we all have felt like you do from time to time. I look back at things I wish I had done different. I kept a pretty tight reign on my son but somtimes I think a little to tight. Than I think maybe I should have beat him more LOL. I'm really not making light of your situation but both of your son's are legally adults. The thing that hit me the hardest isn't your youngest son and what he's doing it's your older son (yelling at you?) EXCUSE ME! Tell him don't let the door hit him on the *** on the way out. Nobody has the right to yell at you especially your son. Maybe if you show him the door your other son won't be so hard to deal with. I didn't hear you say that your oldest one had any physical problems. If your 19 year old can't manage to make and keep his appt: oh well I guess he doesn't want it bad enough.
I know all of this sounds like I am being really harsh but like I said all parents are going to do battle with their kids from time to time. You've raised them now it's time to let them make their own mistakes.
Just an opinion from another mom
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Thanks so much Pat and Redrose,
I have made it clear that he will stay IF he follows my rules until the end of his second semester which starts in January, he will have either totally flunked out by then or got it together, in which case there may be a chance that I can continue to keep him going. If school is in fact too difficult for him, then he will get a job and pay rent and live like a roomate. He will be responsible for his own appointments, if he needs additional help remembering or organizing, then he must communicate his needs or just not get it anymore. He will be on a shoestring budget of four dollars a day for lunch, which is all I can afford. He did successfully quit smoking and I am very proud of him for that, because I refused to buy him cigarettes and on the amount of money I give him, he can't afford them. Car by permission only, when he starts working and finishes paying off his car--he's buying it from my dad, he pays for his own registration and insurance, then he can do with it as he will and live as a roomate status paying rent if he chooses to live here by our rules. Due to his health problems and being a relatively new driver with epilepsy and a heart condition, I do expect phone calls if he is not coming home for dinner, because we do take dinner together. While he is in school, overnights during the week are not allowed and on the weekend by permission are without the car and by permission only, because I'm supporting him and he needs to do homework and some household work. If his friends want to pay his rent and take care of him while he's in school, he can live with them, which they don't. He is welcome to have his friends over at our house on the weekends or during the week within reason. The way I look at it is that I'm letting my son live for free while he goes to college as a way of investing in him, and helping him not to have to start out with a mountain of debt like I did. Because I'm investing in him, and he has betrayed my trust by dropping classes and dragging his education out as long as possible and flunking and stuff, I feel this is reasonable for the end of this semester, since he is on warning, and next semester, when he will hopefully not have decended into academic probation. I don't think this stuff is unreasonable and I expect him to be working by summer if he is well enough or on ssi and going through voc rehab to try to live if not and hopefully the system will help him. At any rate, I have an end date, which is more than I had before, and he is adjusting to the rules and staying home more and helping more and not taking off. I think this map I layed out with him helped. As did the help from you guys. In a way, I get my cake and eat it too this way because I will have done all I can do and by summer his situation will be changed and hopefully car paid off by then. At that point, things change. And if he can't follow these rules in the time before summer, then he will have to quit school work and find another place to live. I'm hoping that by sitting down with him and making this crystal clear that he will understand his options and behave properly if he chooses to stay.