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SYMPTOMS CHECKLIST FOR NEUROLOGICAL LYME
Written by the talented Judy Williams at email@example.com
1. Sudden onset of multiple personality disorder
2. Hell-bent to tell the "truth" especially on any given "politically incorrect" subject.
3. Frightening, complete reordering of priorities (These new priorities run close to those
of Mother Therese.)
4. Talking like you are Mother Therese.
5. A sleeping pattern resembling the long rest of hibernating bears or the worse
condition of inability to sleep even upon administration of meds to kill a pair of rhinos.
6. Sudden realization you made a major mistake in the choosing your husband.
7. A diagnosis from at least 3 (I set a minimal record of 2), often more (up to 15) MDs
that reads "psychosomatic disorder".
8. An extreme pr
opensity (albeit usually accurate) to find lyme in others
9. An ability to lose approximately 100 things a day, followed by an inability to find them,
although 80% of them are exactly where they're supposed to be.
10. Verbal dyslexia, i.e. saying the word "cow" when the word called for was "pencil"
(not a close match).
11. Seeing double (i.e. seeing 2 of your husband(s) even though you don't even want to
see one of him).
12. Getting lost in your car though you are only 2 houses away from your home and your
Irish Setter is pointing his tail at your house.
13. Forgetting if you just took 1 Zithromax or 12.
14. Losing most or all of approximately 30 pages of paper with pertinent info., i.e. Lyme
Support members' phone nos., Burrascano's protocol, directions for how to put out a fire
(you recently lost the fire extinguisher itself).
15. Mood swings greater than jungle animals.
16. Times when you should keep your mouth shut because of complete cognitive
dysfunction, but you don't.
17. ESP followed by periods of "clueless".
18. Deciding to commit suicide, during a period of severe mental agitation, by smoking
yourself to death, then being too lethargic to go out and buy any cigarettes.
19. Inability to spell "the" - it just doesn't look right.
20. Rages in which you throw and break all your phones which makes it impossible to
call for help.
21. Confusion caused by having all of 2 things on your "to do" list for the day.
by Judy Williams firstname.lastname@example.org
An Ode to Non-LLMD's
by Karen Larson
"You can't have Lyme disease
because I say it's so.
The insurance companies make me say it
'cause it saves them lots of dough.
"The Hippocratic oath-I've
forgotten what that means.
You've probably got depression
and that runs within your genes.
There's a pharmacopeia of meds
Which one is your desire?
Wellbutrin, Zoloft, Nardil?
You'll take one or raise my ire.
"Sure you tell me that your body
feels like it's been in wrecks,
but you still cannot convince
me you'll feel better on abx.
"Just decide you're going to
feel better; go home and meditate.
Tony Robbins has some tapes to watch,
they'll make you feel just great.
"Although you tell me different,
you're sick just in your head.
Don't you see you can't convince me
that it's something else instead.
"I've heard enough; you bore me
And I've other patients here to see.
Their ailments much more simple;
like a badly-twisted knee."
The learned doctor finally says,
"Please, will you go away
There's nothing science can do for
you; just go to church and pray."
~~Now that I have Lyme, things are finally starting to click for me -- my neck... my
knees... my elbows...
~~I'm very good at
opening childproof caps with a hammer.
~~I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
~~My joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service
~~The way I clean my house is with a sweeping glance.
~~I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up
~~I'm smiling all the time because I can't comprehend a word you're saying
~~I'm not nearly as think as you confused I am.
~~All my friends trust me with their deepest and darkest secrets. They have no idea I
can't remember a darned thing they told me.
~~I would take my Ginkgo if I could remember where I put it.
~~I'm not irritable, I just don't like traffic, waiting, noise, sound, children,
politicians, or anything else in my environment...
~~I am extremely creative, I remember something new every day.
~~I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place
~~I'm achey, weak, saggy and lumpy, and have burning sensations - and that's just my
~~I'm having trouble remembering simple words like....uh....
~~I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate
~~I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 210?
~~I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-light, anti-noise,
anti- inflammatory, anti-biotics, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-fungal
~~I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?
~~I've added more variety into my life, I just added multiple vitamins and minerals
~~Do I have brain fog? I don't remember. But, I'm happy, I think.
My forgetters getting better
But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny,
but to me that is no joke.
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who's that?"
Yes, my forgetters getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
YOU KNOW YOU HAVE LYME WHEN:
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
Everything hurts; but you don't know when or where it will hurt.
You get exhausted just waking up.
Your children can do math better than you.
People call at 7 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions
[for once you don't have brain fog].
You look forward to your IV infusion of abx [or oral abx].
You turn down the lights because of photosensitivity rather than
You sit in a rocking chair and get motion sickness. But the rocking chair
You have a compass attached to your necklace.
You get motion sickness when you drive. Forget about
trying to be the
You burn the midnight oil until 9:00 PM or 1 AM or 6 AM depending on your
internal clock's daily computations. Everyday is different.
You put the margarine in the toaster oven and try to butter your bread.
You put the margarine in the cupboard, the knife in the refrigerator, and
the toast in the sink. Then you walk around in circles trying to find the
You get exercise by going to the bathroom 10 or more times a day.
One shelf of the refrigerator is filled with abx.
You can't remember how to turn the shower off.
You can't figure out how to get the key out of the ignition [you forgot
the little black button you push in].
You can't find your way home and you only took a walk around the block.
When your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
When you wake up with that morning-after feeling and you
didn't do anything the night before.
When it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
There are three signs of Lyme Disease. The first is your loss of memory, the other
two I forget.
The only part of your body that gets a "workout" are your thumbs - from clicking on that remote all
When your idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
You know you have Lyme when you stop to think and forget to start again
When you wake up screaming and stressed - then you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet.
When you're meandering to a different drummer.
When your day was a total waste of makeup.
When someone says to you: You look like heck. Is that the style now?
When you think to yourself: "This ain't no party...this ain't no disco..."
When all the pharmacists and lab workers in town know you on a first name basis.
Three ladies with Lyme were discussing the problems of living with the disease. One said,
"Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself standing on the stairs and can't
remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well, I'm
glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood." as she rapped her knuckles on the table...then said,"That must be the door, I'll get it!"
Lymies on the Road
A group of lymies were exchanging notes about
"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this glass of water."
"Yes, I know. My blurry vision is so bad I can't see to even pour a drink of water."
"I can't turn my head because of this awful neck pain."
"I don't know if I'm coming or going with all this brain fog and dizziness."
"I guess that's just a day in the life of a lymie."
"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!"
As a Lymie was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
I-15. Please be careful."
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Two lyme-stricken women were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been
meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years...chatting, and enjoying each others friendship.
One day, one of the women turns to the other and says,...." Please don't be angry with me,, but I am
embarrassed, after all these years...What is your name ? I am trying to remember, but I just can't. "
The second lyme-stricken gal, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally,
with tearful eyes, says....How soon do you have to know ?"
What's this string on my finger for?
Two lymies were out driving in a car. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us! Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?
Your secrets are safe with me....I can't remember a darn thing
"Genuine Lymie," Been there, done that, can't remember!
Two lymie couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his
face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"