Can lyme rage be totally turned in on oneself?

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Korissa
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 343
   Posted 1/3/2010 10:54 PM (GMT -6)   
I was going to post this in a reply to Christmas alone/lyme rage, but thought it might be a whole new subject (at least I think that was the subject--too tired to double check)
 
Has anyone experienced going to the other extreme with their lyme rage?
 
I've caused some problems with my family in the past because I felt I had no control. After it happening several times, I decided that my behavior was just not acceptable and I felt so bad about it afterwards.
 
Now, I NEVER express my anger or irritation to anyone. Even to people who really deserve it eg. when I get bad service. While stuff is happening, I can't think of a nice way to correct them because my brain just doesn't work fast enough anymore, so I've "trained" myself to never say anything.
 
I end up being angry with myself as a result.
 
I'm not sure if this is lyme related or if I've developed a character flaw.
 
I can't remember when I've told someone off.
 
I really want to scream and cry and can't even do this when by myself!

bucci
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 1477
   Posted 1/4/2010 6:11 AM (GMT -6)   
I know how that feels. I actually shocked myself today when i asked the girl at the front desk if she had change for a dollar and she didn't and I didn't ripp her head off. I walked back down the hall actually asking myself."wow how did that happen?"
I was so proud of myself. I always have to walk around and watch every word that comes out of my face. I get like a rabid dog. (I just started antibiotics 3 days ago so I can't blame it on the detox) maybe that was why i didn't go balistic. My migrane was ripping my own face off at the time. ha ha

I;m so over wound from not sleeping, I feel like I'm on acid without the acid.

I don't know if I really hate myself but I do hold a big grudge with myself for being such a flip out rager. I spend all my time alone because I feel like I am a warewolf and never know when this insane mouth will go off. I went to see my family for thanksgiving and couldn't get out of there soon enough because I suddenly realized they are nastier and crazier than me. Than I have to listen to my brother's wisdom on how elevated we are as a family because we can go off on each other but never even have to appologize, not like his wife's family that doesn't talk to each other for years. This was just after he went off on me in the cheese cake factory.

I am convinced my whole family is lymed and none of us know it, other than my Dad who is a confirmed untreated case for
the last 35 yrs and now me. It's insane. So i don't know who I am mad at anymore. I am pissed about my situation for sure. And I am so tired of appologizing for myself. I feel like people are afraid to be around me because they are afraid what I'm gonna say and these are people I just met. It's not like they know me. So i don't know where I'm at . other than still up at 4am.
hep c , lyme
Dad has lyme


Deejavu
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 4284
   Posted 1/4/2010 6:50 AM (GMT -6)   
Korissa,
 
I don't know if it's lyme-related or not.  If you felt this way before you got lyme then perhaps it's just part of your personality due to your environment or upbringing. 
 
I don't blame everything on lyme as I was born stubborn and I am still a stubborn person though I have gotten better about that with age.   Also, I was always a curious person, so curious that my Mom bought me a chemistry set when I was a kid and I still love to research.  
 
So I think all of us have certain traits, whether we are born with them or it's a product of our upbringing and what our parents taught us as children.  
 
Thus, I'm really not sure...
 
Denise
It's all about the Immune System mixed with a large dose of Positive Thinking and Detoxing Daily!
 
This song is about my years with chronic lyme since 1995 and being in remission for over 4 years:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ds81S61UvPA
 


bucci
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 1477
   Posted 1/4/2010 7:14 AM (GMT -6)   
yes..for sure..it's called behavorial modification. anger management. did you see the family on saturdaynight live ? they al at the diner table screaming at each other.
I just checked the enema bags. I use the disposable ones that really last a long time and have long tube and i put a cathater on end. I have to find where to buy on line.
hep c , lyme
Dad has lyme


achievinggrace
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 3266
   Posted 1/4/2010 10:01 AM (GMT -6)   
My family and I have all struggled with rages and turning that in on ourselves. Lyme? Mental problems? Vitamin and Mineral deficiencies? Who knows? If you are being treated for Lyme and taking care of yourself physically, then you are working on the root causes.

I've found the trick is to step away from the rage, or the guilt or self-hatred. It doesn't define me, it is the chemicals in my mind, the interaction with other people and their chemicals. I am not owned or controlled by my rage -- though sometimes I just need to ride it out. And then let it go. So I rip someone's head off for a seemingly small infraction. I step away from it in my mind and try to see what led up to it, then as soon as I can get the words out, I apologize and try to explain. I am also making it a practice to speak kindly to myself. If I start yelling at myself or constantly criticizing myself I tell me to think about some good I've done and generally be kind to myself.

Mostly I'm trying to be kind to everyone as well as me -- and some days I'm better than other. I look like it like driving. I'm a good driver, but sometimes things happen and I'm the idiot who pulls out in front of someone, or takes that turn a little fast. Other days I let someone into my lane, or do something that prevents an accident or I stop a lost child from running into the road. All those different situations, and I am still me and I'm a good driver, but the result is different and people see me very differently.

Sometimes it is your turn to be the ass or the hero and anything in between. It doesn't mean you are that all the time.

Even Lyme-riddled, our brains can be trained and every time you practice something, it expands that area of your mind.

Practice being kind -- especially to yourself!

When did I become Polly Anna? Blecch!!!

Korissa
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 343
   Posted 1/4/2010 11:15 AM (GMT -6)   
I've always been a considerate person before lyme, but when I was justified in complaining about something, I could do it in a tactful way.

I've had lyme for years, but in the last 3, I've been suspicious of bart rearing it's ugly head, making me agitated. Since I don't test positive my LLMD won't treat. I think lyme is sort of a catchall name for all the diseases a tick can carry.

When I first got it in 1992, I was only aware of borelia symptoms and didn't know about the others.

I think I'm better off swallowing everything thrown my way, rather than expressing my anger with them. I just wish my brain could think fast enough to correct people in a kind way.

Still am afraid I'll snap again someday. I live alone, so at least there's no one here to set me off on a daily basis.

achievinggrace
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 3266
   Posted 1/4/2010 11:51 AM (GMT -6)   
I can be all by myself and get set off! The cat, the housework, objects minding their own business -- it doesn't matter, when it's a bad day.

You're probably right just swallowing it rather than blasting someone. Will what you say really change someone's behavior ?
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