End of the road.....

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+Lyme
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1304
   Posted 7/31/2010 10:40 AM (GMT -6)   
I am sorry about how long this came out. Probably the longest post ever.  And it's all ME, ME, ME.   I do not want or expect most people to try to read this, but maybe there are a couple who can?
 
Depression is a big subject here -- maybe somehow this will help others understand they are not alone, but also, I'm sorry, but I need help. Desperately. Even tho I'm certain there is nothing that anybody can do to help and  I really don't want to call anyone. I have tried calling my daughter, but there is no answer. She has also taken a lot of the brunt of my illness, more than she should have, but I have had no one else.  I don't intend to 'dump' any of this on her, but to beg her for advice.  And this in spite of the fact that she is sick of me and the way I feel.
 
Depression has been a large part of this disease for me.  Before the tick bite I was doing well on a low dose of amiltriptyline (sp? and forward amil) and usually half a xanax at bedtime, occasionally another half.  I had never hit any kind of rock bottom or felt anything out of control -- had mostly needed  help w/ sleep issues, taking the edge off of pain, and a little boost for the depression.
 
I went all to hell after the tick bite. Anxiety, pain and depression felt unbearable. And it was very distinctively physical.  Dr eventually quadrupled my amil and the xanax.  He doesn't know, but I can't handle the dose of amil he prescribed, which I feel is way too high (200mg) and I take half a dose. But I take all the xanax.
 
This sounds awful too, but I don't even want to tell that Dr how sick I am.  He's been blowing off the Lyme, plus right now I can't handle 'experimenting' w/ other drugs.
 
Also, clearly having chronic mono and low thyroid (and babs) must be a part of this depression.
 
Experienced a lot of improvement after 2 mo. abx. then gradually went back down hill. Back on abx, appx 1 month.  Been suffering some of what LLMD and I believe are herx, and at times it was unbearable, but this week felt  like I might be coming over a little hump.  
 
I have discussed this here w/ others recently. The way that the 'S' word seems to invade the mind against our wills.  I have thought about it a lot and fully understood that I could not do this, for the sake of my kids (grown), parents, and dogs.  There are extremely few people I would trust w/ my dogs and I am fully responsible for them and cannot leave them.
 
I have been hoping to get well and in the near future (1 yr) move to NC to help my aging parents. But I have to be well and strong-- I can't go there as a liability -- the way that I am.
 
I have no other source of income besides what I earn, I am 100% self supporting.  I can longer wait tables as I did in the past -- I am 57 yrs old (female) and have severe rotoscoliosis w/ degenerative disk disease in my back and neck.  I could not survive on a walmart income, nor can I stand for any length of time like working at walmart. I am not a cripple, I walk my dogs and I do chores, but any length of time standing or walking and the pain is unbearable. I have crumbled vertebrae at the bottom of 2 curves and I fear my spine will break or collapse.  Any surgery at this point would not be possible. And I just declared Chapter 13, so I have nothing to fall back on.
 
Work: I am a court clerk and work very closely (in one room) w/ 3 other clerks (A, B, and S) who are complete and total *****es.  They are personal friends w/ each other and have been together a long time.  I know how bad it sounds for me to say this -- it can't be all them, right?  I don't know. I never did anything to anyone there -- I have never in my life had issues like this at work.  One has a superiority complex, one is practically neurotic, and one is a bitter B w/ a superiority complex who feels the need to insult and degrade people.
 
The woman whose place I filled almost 3 yrs ago was fired.  She had problems w/ these women and HR knows about this -- I don't know if any official types of complaints were filed, but I think at least one was.  She was fired because she shoved one of these women. They hated her. I have listened to how bad they hated her for almost 3 years now. They said she went crazy.  Now I know what sent her over the edge!  During that period, B was called in and talked to at least twice for the way she spoke to people.
 
Before I ever complained, my boss, based on what she was seeing, hearing, and feeling in the office, TWICE called meetings about the way they were treating others, and it was regarding the way they were treating ME, amongst others.  HR was in this meeting. 
 
During their histronics, HR interrupted them several times as they were placing blame on me and others.  He told them that the reputation and opinion of the Court (us), as perceived by most other departments was negative, and it mainly regarded how they treated and talked to other people.  That their reputation was that they are rude and snotty.  Did not seem to phase them.
 
So I know it is not just me.  I went to HR about a month ago, to make another complaint.
 
It is hard to tell somone specifically, because it is all so underhanded and conniving.  It's in their expressions and their demeanor and snide remarks, which they claim are not meant to be snide.  It's the way they turn things onto other people. 
 
 I have daily tried to make special effort to start the days off better, by coming in each and every morning w/ a pleasant 'Good Morning.'  9 1/2 times out of 10, I am not even acknowledged. I am completely ignored.  Often there's smug little grins. 
 
I cannot even imagine behaving this way at work!  
 
My boss was out all of the week before last and it got really bad.  It was '3 against 1' all week.   Plus, I noted them being uglier and ruder to defendent's at the window. And this past week was bad.
 
I will admit and did admit that the past couple weeks I have felt very angry. STill I never said anything to anyone, but kept to myself as much as possible.  But yesterday after S answered me rudely when I offered to help her with something, and when I asked a general question, they totally ignored me, I asked the question again and they did not acknowledge me, I asked my boss for an informal meeting.
 
Long story short, I asked them in the presence of my boss what the issue was. I said it doesn't matter if they like me or not, but that at work I would like to be treated as a person/ co-worker, that I was getting angry about their treatment.  I told them I knew I was not reacting well to them (tho I had never said anything, I was visibly angry) and asked how they would expect a person to react to their treatment.
 
They turned ALL of it, every single bit of it on me. I was verbally attacked and insulted. It was ALL me.  They passed judgments on me (which I've been suspecting) and it was ugly. 
 
The first attack was how I STINK.  I smoke a total of 2 1/2 cigarettes in the course of the day, outside, and I spray body spray on me before going inside. S threw a huge fit about how bad I stink, that it makes her sick to her stomach, gives her a headache, and makes her psychologically ill.  (she has literally sprayed me in the face w/ Lysol) And that the 'crap I spray on myself to try to disguise it is worse than the smoke.' Nevermind that what I spray on myself was a Christmas gift from A.
 
I realize this all comes across as petty, and a lot of it is. But it is constant.  And this meeting was not petty. It was a literal nightmare.  It was nothing short of an attack.
 
Those of us w/ Lyme, are about the last people that can handle something like this.  In the midst of all this (which was an 'airing', as my boss called it) it was so bad -- the insults and the blame -- that it took every single ounce of my strength to keep the tears in my eyes INSIDE of my eyes, and to not go off on everyone and walk out.
 
So, now, here I am, sick, in constant pain, and depressed. What can I do now?  My boss is a good Christian woman, who believes we should all treat each other w/ more respect and that I should kindly tell someone when I don't like the way that I'm being treated, and we should all get off to a fresh start next week.
 
I can't go back. I can't. I know I am supposed to turn the other cheek and pray for my enemies, but I cannot go back and work that closely w/ 3 people who have been stabbing me in the back and threatening my very livlihood.  It's too late. It can't be undone.
 
If it was anywhere else, I would sue for hostile work environment, but too much of it is sneaky and underhanded and psychological.  I work for a municipal court. We have high profile, top attorneys and litigators as our part time prosecutors and judges.  I could never win and I imagine it would humiliate me to another degree I can't handle.
 
The ONLY thing on my side is that my HR has been thru this before with them. Still, that is not enough.
 
So, now the fleeting desires to escape are becoming a need. I literally cannot handle the way I feel mentally and continue to go to work there. I can't handle the way I feel mentally period.
 
I desperately want to check into a hospital, but I can't. 
 
I can't find any options, I feel at the end of the road.  As much as I know I cannot abandon my dogs or hurt my family, I am consumed w/ the letter I would write to try to make them all understand -- that I'm sorry, that it wasn't them, that there was nothing they could have done, and that it was all Lyme and my back and that I couldn't take it anymore.
 
My only other choice is to never go back to that job and suffer the consequences which I'm sure would be worse and could possibly make me homeless.  Or I could give my 2 weeks notice and buy only 2 more weeks.  You all know the market.
 
It took me 3 months and everything I had in me, FULL TIME, to get the job I have.  And I was sick then, tho not as sick as I am now.  I have loan processing experience and I have perused those jobs -- maybe someday, but not today -- I don't have in me what it takes to get a job like that.  I'm too sick.  
 
I'm sure most of you feel this same way -- I know that everyone in my entire family is sick of hearing about this disease.  It's not that they don't believe in it, but they believe it's a 'convenience' when something is wrong w/ me.  A lot of them are sick of me and sick of hearing about it.  I CANNOT unload this on my parents -- the are 80, doing well, but have their own infirmaties and too big of a family.  They deserve MY help now, NOT having to help me.  
 
Mostly, I feel like there is NOBODY who understands or accepts the emotional/mental depressed part of this disease.  I can tell they think that's an excuse.  I don't know where to turn.  And the only option out is not a good one.
 
MOst of you are sicker than I am and I am very sorry.  Do you feel as alone as I do? Do you feel as threatened, cornered and trapped as I do?
 
I realize I'm talking to a bunch of people I don't know here.  Still, right now, I don't feel like calling someone I don't know to sort thru this. That could change, I don't know.  Maybe as a last chance, I don't know.
 
Finally, does anybody out there know what happens if you go to a mental hospital and try to check yourself in?  I don't want to do this, but it might beat the last option.
 
 
 

Bit 1972: Acute and chronic tonsillitis, UTI, miscarraige, appendicitis, hypoglycemia,  chronic neck pain w/ crushed vertibrae, chronic severe back pain, mitral valve prolapse, depression, resolution?
 
Bit Mother's Day 2007: Lyme, Babesia microti, hypothyroidism, EBV, HHV6, Parvovirus B19, low adrenals &misc other hormones, depression, anxiety, more of the above.

Post Edited (+Lyme) : 7/31/2010 10:49:45 AM (GMT-6)


nasalady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 1176
   Posted 7/31/2010 11:14 AM (GMT -6)   
Dear +Lyme,

I feel so bad for you right now, I have tears in my eyes. If only I could just put my arms around you and tell you that somehow things will be OK.....but that sounds trite under the circumstances.

I do know all too well what it's like to work with someone who hates you and is going out of her way to make things difficult for you! I was fortunate in that (a) there was only one of them, not three (b) she was doing this to other people too, (c) she created so many problems that management "laid her off" as soon as they were able to.

While I had to work with her I HATED to go to work....and I loved my job! I always had knots in my stomach, and I wasn't even sick at the time! I can't imagine what it must take for you to go to work every day with these people!

But whatever you do, please please don't think about the S word!!

Please click on the email icon on the side under my name, and email me ASAP.....I will give you my phone number so you can call me if you want to!! If you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you. Anytime, day or night.

JoAnn
Lyme Disease, Babesiosis, Ehrlichiosis, Bartonella, EBV, CMV, AIH, Hashimoto's, lupus, fibro, RA, celiac disease, asthma, psoriasis, Raynaud's, hypertension, osteopenia, sleep apnea, RLS, GERD, DDD, L3-4 and L4-5 radiculopathy -> severe lower back pain, cubital tunnel, tarsal tunnel, IV Rocephin, Alinia, Zithromax, Prednisone, Imuran, Plaquenil, Lyrica, Cymbalta, Levothyroxine, Atenolol, Cozaar, Zyrtec, Fosamax, Albuterol, Prilosec, CPAP

autoimmunediseasesgfliving.blogspot.com

nasalady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 1176
   Posted 7/31/2010 11:43 AM (GMT -6)   
P.S. I disagree on one point....I do think that we "know" one another to a degree that few people ever really attain. We've shared very personal details here, our fears, our ups and downs, our physical issues.....portions of our lives that we would never try to communicate to most people. Maybe that's not enough for you right now though, and if that's the case, I understand. I just wanted to make myself available to you if you ever feel the inclination to call.
Lyme Disease, Babesiosis, Ehrlichiosis, Bartonella, EBV, CMV, AIH, Hashimoto's, lupus, fibro, RA, celiac disease, asthma, psoriasis, Raynaud's, hypertension, osteopenia, sleep apnea, RLS, GERD, DDD, L3-4 and L4-5 radiculopathy -> severe lower back pain, cubital tunnel, tarsal tunnel, IV Rocephin, Alinia, Zithromax, Prednisone, Imuran, Plaquenil, Lyrica, Cymbalta, Levothyroxine, Atenolol, Cozaar, Zyrtec, Fosamax, Albuterol, Prilosec, CPAP

autoimmunediseasesgfliving.blogspot.com

Post Edited (nasalady) : 7/31/2010 11:54:54 AM (GMT-6)


Deejavu
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 4282
   Posted 7/31/2010 12:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi +Lyme,
 
Please e-mail me and I will give you my telephone number as well.  It doesn't matter that we used different protocols, it does matter that I have walked down the same road you are walking now and I understand..
 
Please, please e-mail me and I will call you or you can call me.. 
 
I am HERE for you!!!   Please take a deep breath and know I am on YOUR SIDE...
 
Hugs,
Denise
It's all about Detoxing Daily, strengthening the Immune System mixed with a dose of Positive Thinking!
 
This song is about my years with chronic lyme since 1995 and being symptom free for over 4 years:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ds81S61UvPA
 
Currently taking Estrovera, ProgX (progesterone), Adrenotone Plus, CoQ10, Vitamin B Total, C, Green Vibrance, CALM (Magnesium/Calcium)

+Lyme
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1304
   Posted 7/31/2010 1:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Denise and Nasalady, (and anyone else who responds)
 
I deeply appreciate your responses, and Denise, I am keeping your email address and promise to email you if I feel inclined to do the wrong thing.  I HATE feeling like this and SO HATE being so negative and feeling so helpless.
 
It just feels so unfair to have to deal w/ this crap while being so sick. 
 
My son called me and says he is there for me. He does not know about how despondent I am and have been lately w/ this illness. But he knows about my work situation and knows I'm wanting to do something desperate like never go back.  He knows that I am depressed, but I don't think he can understand how overwhelming things feel w/ depression and the rest of the stuff we are dealing with.
 
He is talking me thru my situation at work.  In ways, it helps. I don't know yet. But he's trying to help me make a plan of how to better deal w/ these women and survive this work place.  Ultimately, of course, I will need to find a different job. (Unfortunate in that I had started a pension w/ the hope of ever retiring, since I haven't saved up. But, oh well, there are worse situations)
.
This can possibly help, (my son talking me thru it) because, as I said, I was feeling a little better until the attack last evening. If I can survive that, then maybe I'll be able to experience some improvement in the parts that are Lyme.  And maybe I should request some time off?
 
That you have been there and understand helps immensely. And I appreciate it very deeply, from the bottom of my heart.  Altho my post may have sounded that way, it was not the 'final' call.  It does feel like a cry for help in that I even started considering a bad option. And I am scared.
 
In my post, I think I somehow expected some kind of miraculous information.  Like a guide on how to check into a mental hospital and take care of your dogs at the same time.  Or, 'where to go if you have Lyme'.
 
I think I had better go to bed for awhile -- I experienced a certain amount of 'cleansing' when talking (and the bawling) w/ my son, as well receiving your posts.  And now feel exhausted.
 
Denise, if you do not hear from me, please do not worry. I won't go anywhere without you, OK? Promise.  Might send you an email later tonite if I'm able, just so you'll know that I'm willing.
 
But I do promise, sincerely, that I will post or email you if this progresses AT ALL, OK?
 
Thank you, ladies again
Somehow we have got to figure all this out.  Nasty, nasty poison those bugs trade us for our blood....

Bit 1972: Acute and chronic tonsillitis, UTI, miscarraige, appendicitis, hypoglycemia,  chronic neck pain w/ crushed vertibrae, chronic severe back pain, mitral valve prolapse, depression, resolution?
 
Bit Mother's Day 2007: Lyme, Babesia microti, hypothyroidism, EBV, HHV6, Parvovirus B19, low adrenals &misc other hormones, depression, anxiety, more of the above.

GinGin20
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 7/31/2010 1:02 PM (GMT -6)   
A member of my family was experiencing many of the same problems as you are.  It was a real shock to the family, however, I know that person is not really that way without lyme and co-infections.  I would be happy to share with you what seems to be helping him.  Click on my name and email me if you are interested.

Deejavu
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 4282
   Posted 7/31/2010 1:15 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi +Lyme,
 
I'm so happy to hear from you..  I can so relate to the problems you are having at work.  I would post about the problems I had when I worked for a Fortune 500 company and all the politics and bull**** I had to deal with...  I worked there for 8 years and in my last 2 years became sick with lyme..   The games these people played with me at work was unbelievable!   So I know what you are talking about..  
 
I am also totally alone..  I am 53 so we are close in age..  I need to sell my house before the bank takes it away from me, very scary..   I want to move to Vermont where my bestest friend lives and get away from my mother who only continues to hurt my feelings..  I never knew a mother that could be so evil...  But this has been going on since I was little so I have my mom's #.
 
Anyway, I'm here if you need me.   We are kind of in the same boat in many ways...  Money wise, work wise (though my company told me I quit when I never did but that's a long story)...
 
Hang in there, okay? 
Hugs,
Denise
It's all about Detoxing Daily, strengthening the Immune System mixed with a dose of Positive Thinking!
 
This song is about my years with chronic lyme since 1995 and being symptom free for over 4 years:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ds81S61UvPA
 
Currently taking Estrovera, ProgX (progesterone), Adrenotone Plus, CoQ10, Vitamin B Total, C, Green Vibrance, CALM (Magnesium/Calcium)

Traveler
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 35695
   Posted 7/31/2010 2:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi +Lyme,
first of all, I am soooo sorry that you are feeling so low! I too understand completely the hassles that you are having at work & of course the issues you are having with your health. I was thinking maybe you should take in a small tape recorder to work" I would tape each day for about a week - providing that I could afford the tapes!

Another question I had while reading your post - have you filed for Social Security Disability?? Seems to me with the amount of damage your have in your spine, you might qualify - although that would be a long term "fix", as you would need to support yourself in the mean time.

I posted not too long ago about my mental issues as well. Being ill with something that most people not only know nothing about, but what little information that is out there is not usually very accurate, so it's not surprising that people, even family members, get "tired" of listening to us. I happen to have married a very wonderful man, who really tries to understand what all is going on with me, but still gets quite weary of my "conditions". He also thinks I give tick-born illnesses a lot more credit for being what is casing my symptoms than they deserve. Most days I can remember that he really has NO clue as to what I am going through, or how I feel - how can he?? He has never been in my shoes. Although I do have to admit that he tells anyone who asks about me that I am really sick with LD (or tick infections) & he tells people that if they really want to know something about them, that I know a lot more about it than most docs.

Anyway, I would like to offer my phone # as well. I am a little younger than Deejavu, and have only just started with some 'natural' treatments, so Dee has a lot more experience than I do, but I can actually 'feel' your pain, both with your work situation & with your health.

No matter what you chose to do, please, PLEASE reach out to us!! This forum has made it possible for me to get through a whole lot of stuff - just because I know that when I talk of pain, people here understand what kind of pain I'm talking about. When I talk of exhaustion, only the people that have lived through this kind of exhaustion will really understand, & so on & so on!!

Hang in there!!! We are here for you!!!


Funny thing Deejavu, I have said those exact same words about my mom! about 20 years ago, my mother kidnapped my two children from me!! Loooooooonng story there, so I won't go into it, but I really never expected to hear someone else say that their mother was evil.
Even the mightiest oak tree was once a little nut who held it's ground!!!
May we all find peace along the journey to find healing.
"Absence of proof is not proof of absence" - Dr. Edwin Masters, great LLMD & researcher -RIP
Trav

Deejavu
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 4282
   Posted 7/31/2010 2:46 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi again +Lyme,
 
Just a thought... Is it possible for you to put in for a FMLA?  I don't know how the court system works or even if you get paid if you get that time off.   Also, before I worked for that Fortune 500 company, I had worked for another company where I had a 401K plan so when I switched jobs I was able to transfer my 401K to the new company.   At the end, I rolled it over into a fund after I used some of the money when I was "told" I had quit or resigned which I never did..  Oh the politics of companies!
 
I think Traveler's idea is a good one as far as applying for Disability, you most certainly qualify for benefits with all the medical problems you have.  These women you work with sound like a real piece of work..  I know it's hard to ignore them as I have been in that situation and it's rough..  The gossip, the snide remarks, etc.   Been there..   Not fun!
 
Interesting that Traveler brought up tape recording:  I tape recorded people at work which is legal in my state (only one party has to know).  Not legal in all states but in certain states, you can google that..  
 
And yes Traveler, when I was run over by a car crossing a street when I was 17 and almost died, my mom kept saying to me she wished I had died, nice huh?  I thought I had forgiven her but I guess I haven't..    So much more but this is not about me...
 
I guess we all have stories...
 
Denise
It's all about Detoxing Daily, strengthening the Immune System mixed with a dose of Positive Thinking!
 
This song is about my years with chronic lyme since 1995 and being symptom free for over 4 years:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ds81S61UvPA
 
Currently taking Estrovera, ProgX (progesterone), Adrenotone Plus, CoQ10, Vitamin B Total, C, Green Vibrance, CALM (Magnesium/Calcium)

Agmaar
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 376
   Posted 7/31/2010 3:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Oh wow.  As someone who ended up in really tough shape after years of struggling - I'm sorry to hear that you're in a similar place.
 
Take sick leave while you check on FMLA?  Maybe you shouldn't go back to work in the condition you're in.
 
Here's what I did.  Called in sick at work and made an appt. to see my ARNP.  I told her I was in trouble and needed help.  And if I got any worse, would she check me into the hospital?  She asked a few questions and said, "Maybe you need to go now."
 
She was just great and the office handled everything from there.  You're not alone in this.  Let the system work for you.  The voluntary psych unit is a good place and my ARNP made arrangements so i could go directly to the unit to check in.  While there, stay open mined and remember everyone there is trying to help each other.
 
There are people on staff in the unit to help you with all the different issues the you think are too much to handle.   Please let them help you.  You don't have to go it alone.  Please get yourself out from underneath all the stress you're under and get some help.
 
It's as easy as calling your Dr., ARNP, naturopath, or whoever you see.  Or simply dial 911.
 
Talking to my ARNP is probably the best decision I've ever made.  Come on - you can do this.
 
 
Rich
 
Lyme, anxitey, depression, chronic C. Pnuemoniae
 
"... expect the unexpected ..."  (O. Wilde)
 
"I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened." (Mark Twain)
 
 

Caldonia Sun
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 7/31/2010 4:32 PM (GMT -6)   
+Lyme,

Please reach out to someone here. We do care and we understand how truly awful this is for you, right now.

FMLA sounds like a great idea, if you can manage it. You could use the time to just do some healing.

I will pray for you and am only a phone call away if you would like to talk.
CS

+Lyme
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1304
   Posted 7/31/2010 5:26 PM (GMT -6)   

ALL of YOU, EACH and EVERY ONE of you, thank you so much for reaching out to me and trying to help. I can hardly believe the amount of support and understanding that I have found here. (bawling right now)

Even tho no one said this, I do know how petty that crap like my work crap must seem. I just have to live and breathe these women every day, all day long, we do not have closed cubes and are in the same room.  I have never in my life experienced anything so vicious.

THANK YOU and please know that I now know that I need to reach out before doing anything drastic.

And all the suggestions are so much appreciated! I really don't want to shoot any of them down, because they are all the right things to consider -- I'm just not in a place where I can consider them -- that's a big part of my despondency -- AND, I know that it is my own fault.

I have wanted to get a tape recorder and run it all day -- I think it's illegal, plus, as I said, we've got top notch lawyers working for the city.

And it's not as if you need to know my life story, but I haven't done all that well for myself.  Basically, I figured I may not even live until retirement, anyway.

I have no good excuses, except that I was a single mother (of 3) from 89 til I got my last one off in 2001.  I waited tables at a great place from 86-2003, never saved any money. (probably what made my scoliosis so much worse, too. Steak house= very heavy trays + huge buckets of ice on each arm, etc... )  Got my first office job in 02 (still waited tables til my income increased) and it was in mortgage. (It was processing, so no, I wasn't one of the crooks).  It was 12/hr for couple years and I got by w/ OT. Loved the job and finally got promoted and thought I was finally set and started putting some away.

But the little that I got put into 401k came out when mortgage crashed and I lost my job and was unemployed for months, then taking $14,000 per yr hit in salary.  Probably got between 3 and 4 k in my pension now, which, if I retired there, would give me a modest yearly income to add to SS.  But now I know I can't stay there and plan to move back to NC to be w/ my parents.  Will have to cash out that pension to do that.

Anyway, that explains why I can't do FMLA - I can't afford to go w/o income for any length of time, not even a week. I do have some vacation and sick time accruing, but not that much. 

I do not know anyone who could or would properly take care of my dogs. I am responsible for them the rest of their lives. You can rest assured that they are the main reason I would avoid a 'permanent' escape.  But that means I can't check into a hospital either.

I asked my son if I should request a little time off -- maybe just the week or 2 I have accrued, and he advised me not to.  He believes that if I let it be known that this issue hit me too hard because of my illness, then that would be admitting that I am part of the problem, when I have never actually been part of it.

I think about disability -- I am certain I will need it someday.  I can walk and I can do my job because we are up and down, I just can't stand or walk for long periods of time.  My spine has not broken YET.  It just hurts and feels so vulnerable and I worry about it.  I will probably finally get into an Ortho and see if there is any kind of brace I could wear to keep it from collapsing, as I do not want any kind of surgery.

I don't want to be disabled! I want to be strong enough to resuce dogs and help my parents one day soon!

ALL of you, ALL of us have been thru so much -- I cannot even believe everything you all have gone thru, and yet you are still standing.  This is such a nightmare, it's hard to believe. I remember my very first days on here, saying 'Wow, all of you are so sick -- I'm nowhere as sick as all of you.'  Well, I'm still not as sick as most of you, I'm just taking quite a whipping w/ this depression, my back, and my job.

I used to be so strong and so positive and HELPFUL.  I destest who I have become and it does not help when others detest me!  (at least my boss doesn't...)

btw, depression was my worst problem while on the 2 mo. of Amox. and then it relented some.  LLMD believes that was herx.  So maybe I'll improve soon.

I KNOW that if I was my 'normal' self (which is not very normal), I would have told each of these women off a long time ago, and not let them beat me down.  I have been so weak it makes me sick.

Thank you all again -- I know where to come when the next wave hits.... I hope and pray you all do too.

 

 

 

 

 

 



Bit 1972: Acute and chronic tonsillitis, UTI, miscarraige, appendicitis, hypoglycemia,  chronic neck pain w/ crushed vertibrae, chronic severe back pain, mitral valve prolapse, depression, resolution?
 
Bit Mother's Day 2007: Lyme, Babesia microti, hypothyroidism, EBV, HHV6, Parvovirus B19, low adrenals &misc other hormones, depression, anxiety, more of the above.

Post Edited (+Lyme) : 7/31/2010 5:29:32 PM (GMT-6)


Deejavu
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 4282
   Posted 7/31/2010 6:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi +Lyme,
 
Now you have me crying with all the nice things you said..  I know I may come on strong but I'm really a mush inside.. 
 
Anyway, I understand where you are coming from as far as  your work and needing the money plus your doggies.  When my 2 furry boys were alive, they were my life as I never had human children even though I was married twice.. It wasn't in the cards for me..
 
Vacation time?  What if you told your boss that your parents needed you in the Carolina's?  That would deflect any idea's of you taking your "earned" vacation time in the wrong way or am I missing something here?    Rest is good..  Darn, you worked so hard all  your life and now dealing with the other women must be so hard..   And all in the same room?  That would make me nuts! 
 
Maybe you need to make a plan like I am doing..  Write out your plan on paper as far as moving by your parents and how you would take your doggies with you.   Perhaps type out a timeline?  This way you have a visual and something to look forward to... 
 
I think anyone who works in the legal system can work anywhere..  That's one area where attorney's always need help even in this economy..   Everyone is turning to attorney's these days for various reasons.. 
 
Just some more thoughts..
 
Hang in there, this depression will pass...
 
Hugs,
Denise
It's all about Detoxing Daily, strengthening the Immune System mixed with a dose of Positive Thinking!
 
This song is about my years with chronic lyme since 1995 and being symptom free for over 4 years:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ds81S61UvPA
 
Currently taking Estrovera, ProgX (progesterone), Adrenotone Plus, CoQ10, Vitamin B Total, C, Green Vibrance, CALM (Magnesium/Calcium)

Razzle
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 4396
   Posted 7/31/2010 6:04 PM (GMT -6)   
+Lyme,

I think the others who have responded to you have already covered anything I'd recommend. But know that your work situation is NOT petty - those of us who have had to deal with difficult people at work know that it can really take a lot out of a person to have to deal with it day in and day out. Not speaking from much experience here, but I too have had times when I was working that were very difficult to deal with.

So all I know to do is offer cyber-hugs and wishes & hopes that this dark place you are in passes quickly.

{{{{{{{{{{{{+Lyme}}}}}}}}}}}}
-Razzle
Chronic Lyme & Bartonella, Gluten & Sulfite Sensitivity, Many Food/Inhalant/Medication/Chemical Allergies & Intolerances, Asthma, Gut issues (dysmotility, non-specific inflammation), UCTD ("Secondary Lupus-Like Syndrome"), Osteoporosis, etc.; G-Tube; TPN via PICC (trying again to wean off the TPN).
Meds:  IV Cipro, Heparin (to flush PICC line), Singulair, Claritin, Domperidone, Colloidal Silver, probiotics, digestive enzymes, Milk Thistle & other liver support herbs, Magnesium, Progessence+ (wild yam + essential oils), Moducare, homeopathy.

Deejavu
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 4282
   Posted 7/31/2010 6:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi again +Lyme,
 
Razzle is so right, please don't minimize your job.  Working with difficult people (especially women and I'm a female) can suck the life out of you.   I had always gotten along better with men compared to women, most of the women I worked with were too gossipy, catty and the list goes on.  So give yourself a pat on the back for even working with these women, I think I would have lost it and told them off (and gotten fired!)..  
 
When I was working for that large company I had bought a book with a Red Cover and I can't think of the name of it but it was about how to work with idiots..  I think I had bought it from Barnes and Noble but I don't remember, it was so long ago.
 
Amazon has many books about this and perhaps you can browse through them and read the reviews:
 
 
If I can remember the name of that book I had bought (it was great), I will let you know, it really helped me back then.
 
Hugs again!
Denise
 
 
It's all about Detoxing Daily, strengthening the Immune System mixed with a dose of Positive Thinking!
 
This song is about my years with chronic lyme since 1995 and being symptom free for over 4 years:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ds81S61UvPA
 
Currently taking Estrovera, ProgX (progesterone), Adrenotone Plus, CoQ10, Vitamin B Total, C, Green Vibrance, CALM (Magnesium/Calcium)

Deejavu
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 4282
   Posted 7/31/2010 6:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Whoa, I think this was the book I bought way back when... not a red cover so it's probably a revised copy:
 
http://www.amazon.com/Coping-Difficult-People-Proven-Effective-Troublemakers/dp/0440202019/ref=pd_sim_b_1
It's all about Detoxing Daily, strengthening the Immune System mixed with a dose of Positive Thinking!
 
This song is about my years with chronic lyme since 1995 and being symptom free for over 4 years:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ds81S61UvPA
 
Currently taking Estrovera, ProgX (progesterone), Adrenotone Plus, CoQ10, Vitamin B Total, C, Green Vibrance, CALM (Magnesium/Calcium)

springsjean
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 2154
   Posted 7/31/2010 7:55 PM (GMT -6)   
This disease takes more STRENGTH than anything else. You have to be strong. You deserve it. Be stronger than those other weaklings. Try and let go and focus on the future. Someone actually said to me yesterday - what are you depressed about, don't you know you have a lot to be thankful for. Now if I knew that, would I be depressed IDIOT! No one gets it. It is an incredibly sad and lonely way to feel. I have so much and I know it but yet spend days crying for no apparent reason. It is just mind baffling. But you can do it, fight, fight, fight. I was inspired today actually at a John Lennon art show to try and learn to let go and focus on positive and am going to look into just a few minutes a day of either yoga or meditation. Perhaps it will help even a little bit.
Lyme, erlichosis, bartonella, herpes, EBV. 4 years undiagnosed despite 10 drs.
Current meds: tetracycline, amanatadine, neurontin, xanax, valtrex
Prior meds: amoxicillin, probenecid, doxy. IV refused by insurance.
THERE ARE ROUGH DAYS, TOUGH DAYS BUT ALSO GOOD DAYS. MY BOYS GET ME THROUGH THE BAD AND I SO ENJOY THE GOOD DAYS WITH THEM!

daisyrlb
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 277
   Posted 7/31/2010 8:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi + Lyme,

Thank you for sharing…expressing what you are going through and how you feel. It is tough being sick and still having to work. It feels unfair because it is unfair. Life is not fair in this broken world. However, you are not alone. We are here to be a support and be an encouragement to you, just like you are to us.

I was glad to read that your son called and says he is there for you. That's big! Even though he doesn't understand the illness (who really could without going through it) that's ok he doesn't understand. it is obvious he loves you very much, is concerned for you, and wants you around. That is something worth thinking about and letting it put a big smile on your face. He sounds like a wise soul. Great he is giving you input about your work, etc.

Those other co-workers are miserable people. They must be so unhappy. You try to have a good attitude going in each day…that's great. And we know it is hard to be in a situation like that day after day. I have found, when in that situation, when I'm able to see them for the miserable, unhappy people they are, it helps me to have healthy boundaries and just pity them while I go about doing my job one minute at a time just doing the best I can.

You have a good head on your shoulders and are thinking about various scenarios…pensions, parents, move…etc…which is important to consider…but often we do not have the answers until life unfolds as time goes by. We do not need to obsess–easier said than done. The direction you are to take will become more clear as time goes by. In the meantime, focusing a minute at a time there is hope…yes, hope one minute at a time.

I've learned that trying to live in tomorrow or next month or next year that grace is not there. It steals my energy. But as I live in the moment, grace is there, and life is not so overwhelming when you're going through a rough time.

You mentioned about knowing there are worse situations others go through… Yeah, there is, that's true of all of us, regardless of what we have been through or what we are going through now. But it is ok to focus upon you, right now. It is not only ok, but it is very good to focus upon you. This is about your healing, and we're glad to be here for you. You are precious and worthy to be reached out to. You are significant and your life is significant and precious. We are glad that you are here!

You are in my prayers,
Rhonda

PS: This is off the subject but I wonder if you do any detoxing? Denise talks a lot about this. It has helped me tremendously. I faithfully do Dry Skin Brushing morning and night, plus take a Epsom Salt/Hydrogen Peroxide/Ginger bath Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings. They actually energize me…the effect is accumulative. I am on Dr. J's protocol (four months now) and use Neuro-Antitox II CNS/PNS for neurological symptoms. I'm pleased to report that I am doing good.

PSS: There really is light at the end of the tunnel…one day at a time.

Post Edited (daisyrlb) : 7/31/2010 8:17:52 PM (GMT-6)


bucci
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 1477
   Posted 7/31/2010 9:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey Lyme+...I just had to add to this thread because I was reading your post and can picture the whole scene at your office with these charachters. I go through stuff with peole all the time because i just can't believe where they are even at sometimes in their heads.
It really is the over all sloppiness of human consciousness that can really put me right over the edge. I think this is why I don't work anymore. i just can't do it. I can't be around people who are asleep and so wrapped up in themsleves. It's beyond clueless.

I end up going off on them. and then people will say things like.."Well you really are 100% right..it really is the truth...but did you have to tell them LIKE THAT?"
I don't know..I do know that you need your job. the stress of loosing it will make you so sick. even though you may be better off without having to sit in the same room with these people.

If you d continue to work there maybe you gotta really take yourself out of the movie and be like Larry David making a TV show or Seinfeld and just see the rediculiousness of People. Or like that show The OFFICE. with steve carrell. all these characters.

you can't et this stuff get to you. Half the country lives in fear every day of loosing their job. I have already lost everything and I'm still ok. In fact ..I'm just as sick now as I was 15 yrs ago when I was working only without the stress of dealing with all the schmucks and hanging on to everything I had. It'sall gone now. It would have ben nice to leave the disease behing and hang on to my nice white portico couch but I shipped to my sister when I sold the house. Now I live in a one bedroom with no living room so when I want to visit my couch I go to see my sister. xxxxxx you too tuff for this to get to you Lyme Girl. there has to be somethinga but these peoples facial expressions that can make you laugh. If I had to go back to work with those kind of people I'd have to drink KOOLAID laced with LSD in my smoothie before I left the house in the morning
hep c , lyme
Dad has lyme

Willowrose
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 699
   Posted 8/1/2010 1:54 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi +Lyme. I'm just getting online, was sorry to miss your post earlier. I really feel for you. It doesn't matter how sick or not any of us are, the peripheral things in our lives also have their effect. So please don't feel bad about where you find yourself right now. Your work situation is very stressful. Lyme and coinfections, and other chronic illnesses, tear us down not only physically, but mentally too. It takes a lot of mental energy just to mitigate pain and symptoms before we can attend to the things others can just do. Reading what you write about your job brings back memories of my own nightmarish county job. Felt like junior high school revisited, only worse. My husband was terminally ill at the time and we needed the money so I kept pushing myself to go back there day after day until one day I could not do it any more. It was making me sick. I told my boss there was a family emergency and got a week off. Just having a chunk of time where I didn't need to deal with the stress at work gave me perspective that helped me figure out what to do next. It sounds to me as if, at least temporarily, it could do you good to get out of there for awhile. Would it be possible for you to take time off to see your parents, using whatever excuse you need to to make it sound best to your boss?

It sounds as if you are proud of being a strong person, and I think you are very strong to be doing what you are, but sometimes being strong means letting yourself be cared for. I only say this because your post reminds me of me. For years I made it through life confident I could tough it out, whatever came up. That was a very unitary perspective. There came a time when I could not do it, not because I was weak (a fear that drove me) but because I began to understand that "it takes a village" wasn't about leaning on others out of an inability to hold hold myself up, it was about gaining breadth and wisdom in my decisions by sharing. And sharing meant taking, not just giving. I was always really good at giving, not so much receiving. I can't imagine how I'd have gotten through my husband's final months, and through the months after that in a healthy way had it not been for others, often strangers, who stepped up to help me find my way. If your parents are the kind of people with whom you would feel safe and cared for, even if they don't understand what you are going through, maybe this is the time to allow them to be there for you while you are there for them.

In the short term, I hope you will be kind to yourself; healing is a worthy activity.  You contemplate a hospital stay; maybe you need a break.  I took my email off of my profile months ago when someone came on here who made me uncomfortable, but I'm putting it back on now. Please email me if you want to talk. We don't know each other, but we're a community here and I feel like we're friends.

Take care of yourself.

Rose
I have Lyme; it doesn't have me.

Post Edited (Willowrose) : 8/1/2010 2:08:15 AM (GMT-6)


+Lyme
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1304
   Posted 8/1/2010 6:54 AM (GMT -6)   
Sorry, I wrote this last nite and didn't post it -- noted my computer frozen this morning. So there are even more of you to thank this morning.  The outpouring of love and good wishes and blessings definitely over ran my cup! So I will consider myself truly blessed and go forward with that in mind ---- MUCH more significant than the small, petty, nasty gifts I've received lately.
 
Yes, these women are horrors and I cannot let them destroy what is left of my health, or let them cause me to lose my livlihood. I don't earn much, but my benefits are paid for and THAT alone is a fortune, esp since my insurance covers my LLMD, even if he prescribes long term abx, as he says he does. THAT is a huge reason to battle thru this. It takes a lot for a city gov't to fire you, so I think I can hang on awhile longer until figuring out what to do next. As long as they don't start jacking w/ my work, which would not be hard to do.
 
Thank you, again, Razzle, daisyrlb, springsjeans, Dejavue, Traveler, Nasa lady and everyone else who is still responding. This outreach is nothing short of AMAZING -- so as far as YOU are concerned, yourself, please do not forget it.

Deejavu -- I am pondering your idea of being needed in NC and then just staying home til I can fix what I can and try to recoop. NOt sure I could tell that whopper of a lie, but again, this is my livlihood.

My plan thus far after much discussion w/ both my sons, along with all your suggestions, is that I can and will go to work each day pleasantly. ANd I will treat my fellow employees respectfully and professionally. I THINK this is something I can gear myself up to do; and I MUST stick to it.

NO, I cannot return there and behave as if nothing happened and that we are friends, because we aren't. But I have to go back in everyday, and will handle it as an 'acting' job. I survived and earned a decent living while working an 'acting' job waiting tables.

So, then, I will put on my best hat and do the job I know how to do. nuff said at this point. Thank you all again!
(wrote this last nite and see this morning that I didn't post it!)

.
Bit 1972: Acute and chronic tonsillitis, UTI, miscarraige, appendicitis, hypoglycemia,  chronic neck pain w/ crushed vertibrae, chronic severe back pain, mitral valve prolapse, depression, resolution?
 
Bit Mother's Day 2007: Lyme, Babesia microti, hypothyroidism, EBV, HHV6, Parvovirus B19, low adrenals &misc other hormones, depression, anxiety, more of the above.

Post Edited (+Lyme) : 8/1/2010 7:09:22 AM (GMT-6)


Deejavu
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 4282
   Posted 8/1/2010 7:25 AM (GMT -6)   
Morning +Lyme,
 
You sound much better and that's good!  Please remember that you are above these low-life women that you work with and a much better person compared to them.   I had learned a couple of tricks from my experience with working with nasty people:
 
1.  Say to them (if they say something nasty) "I'm sorry you feel that way".  You are being polite and not agreeing or disagreeing.
 
2.  Smile and say "yes, you're right" even if they are NOT... 
 
And force yourself to smile at them (even though you want to tell them to go jump in a lake or worse).
 
So what if you lie about the reason you are taking off for a week or 2?  First of all, you EARNED that vacation time so use it!   It's really none of their business or anyone's business WHY  or HOW you are using your vacation time.   It's yours to use for whatever reason(s)..  
 
Hold your head up high and be proud because you are so much better then these miserable low-life women.
 
Hugs,
Denise
It's all about Detoxing Daily, strengthening the Immune System mixed with a dose of Positive Thinking!
 
This song is about my years with chronic lyme since 1995 and being symptom free for over 4 years:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ds81S61UvPA
 
Currently taking Estrovera, ProgX (progesterone), Adrenotone Plus, CoQ10, Vitamin B Total, C, Green Vibrance, CALM (Magnesium/Calcium)

+Lyme
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1304
   Posted 8/1/2010 8:10 AM (GMT -6)   
'Hold your head up high and be proud because you are so much better then these miserable low-life women'. 
Hugs,
Denise
 
Yeah, well, Denise, actually I HAVE been doing that lately. So in the meeting they accused me of 'looking judgmental and thinking I'm better than they are'.
 
took all I had to not say, 'well, that's because I am.'  At least as far as dealing w/ difficult people. So there.
 
I'm a little 'up' because I am waiting for some xanax to kick in and am going to bed for awhile.  Very rarely will I do that.  Need to sleep. Need to think while I sleep.....
 
Think all us smart women (mostly meaning you all) could come up w/ a business of some sort to do from home? Make a killing?  I'm trying to think of something to start on Ebay.  I know that's small, but little risk and little upfront.
Bit 1972: Acute and chronic tonsillitis, UTI, miscarraige, appendicitis, hypoglycemia,  chronic neck pain w/ crushed vertibrae, chronic severe back pain, mitral valve prolapse, depression, resolution?
 
Bit Mother's Day 2007: Lyme, Babesia microti, hypothyroidism, EBV, HHV6, Parvovirus B19, low adrenals &misc other hormones, depression, anxiety, more of the above.

Deejavu
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 4282
   Posted 8/1/2010 8:19 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi +Lyme,
 
I'm sitting here smiling at your words "well, that's because I am " (better than you)..  LOL!  It's great to think it but not to say it, right? 
 
You must be reading my mind..  Years ago I did legal work from home, I put an ad in and I built up a business..  I typed legal papers and I charged by the page.   I also do other things from home that involve the computer but I don't want to talk about that on a public forum so if you send me an e-mail I can explain what I do to make money..
 
Have a good sleep, you deserve it!
Denise
It's all about Detoxing Daily, strengthening the Immune System mixed with a dose of Positive Thinking!
 
This song is about my years with chronic lyme since 1995 and being symptom free for over 4 years:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ds81S61UvPA
 
Currently taking Estrovera, ProgX (progesterone), Adrenotone Plus, CoQ10, Vitamin B Total, C, Green Vibrance, CALM (Magnesium/Calcium)

Traveler
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 35695
   Posted 8/1/2010 11:02 AM (GMT -6)   
Well, +Lyme,
By the time you read this, I hope that you are much better rested!!!
You are on the right track with your thinking!! I have known lots of people to take their vacation time & do all kinds of things that are not actually considered "vacationing", like moving to another place, remodeling their current residence, going to take care of an elderly parent for a week or so & many other things. As Deejavu said, you've earned your vacation time, it's really no one else's business what you chose to do with your time off!!
I also supported myself & my two children for many years as a waitress. I tried working in a dinner house, but I always did better waiting tables in more of a coffee shop, more relaxed atmosphere I guess. I understand how hard it is to be a single parent & trying to get each & every dollar to stretch as far as possible! That's really hard work, actually - both physically & emtionally!!

Hang in there, +Lyme!!! We are all here for you!!!
Even the mightiest oak tree was once a little nut who held it's ground!!!
May we all find peace along the journey to find healing.
"Absence of proof is not proof of absence" - Dr. Edwin Masters, great LLMD & researcher -RIP
Trav
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