Post Edited (+Lyme) : 7/31/2010 10:49:45 AM (GMT-6)
Post Edited (nasalady) : 7/31/2010 11:54:54 AM (GMT-6)
ALL of YOU, EACH and EVERY ONE of you, thank you so much for reaching out to me and trying to help. I can hardly believe the amount of support and understanding that I have found here. (bawling right now)
Even tho no one said this, I do know how petty that crap like my work crap must seem. I just have to live and breathe these women every day, all day long, we do not have closed cubes and are in the same room. I have never in my life experienced anything so vicious.
THANK YOU and please know that I now know that I need to reach out before doing anything drastic.
And all the suggestions are so much appreciated! I really don't want to shoot any of them down, because they are all the right things to consider -- I'm just not in a place where I can consider them -- that's a big part of my despondency -- AND, I know that it is my own fault.
I have wanted to get a tape recorder and run it all day -- I think it's illegal, plus, as I said, we've got top notch lawyers working for the city.
And it's not as if you need to know my life story, but I haven't done all that well for myself. Basically, I figured I may not even live until retirement, anyway.
I have no good excuses, except that I was a single mother (of 3) from 89 til I got my last one off in 2001. I waited tables at a great place from 86-2003, never saved any money. (probably what made my scoliosis so much worse, too. Steak house= very heavy trays + huge buckets of ice on each arm, etc... ) Got my first office job in 02 (still waited tables til my income increased) and it was in mortgage. (It was processing, so no, I wasn't one of the crooks). It was 12/hr for couple years and I got by w/ OT. Loved the job and finally got promoted and thought I was finally set and started putting some away.
But the little that I got put into 401k came out when mortgage crashed and I lost my job and was unemployed for months, then taking $14,000 per yr hit in salary. Probably got between 3 and 4 k in my pension now, which, if I retired there, would give me a modest yearly income to add to SS. But now I know I can't stay there and plan to move back to NC to be w/ my parents. Will have to cash out that pension to do that.
Anyway, that explains why I can't do FMLA - I can't afford to go w/o income for any length of time, not even a week. I do have some vacation and sick time accruing, but not that much.
I do not know anyone who could or would properly take care of my dogs. I am responsible for them the rest of their lives. You can rest assured that they are the main reason I would avoid a 'permanent' escape. But that means I can't check into a hospital either.
I asked my son if I should request a little time off -- maybe just the week or 2 I have accrued, and he advised me not to. He believes that if I let it be known that this issue hit me too hard because of my illness, then that would be admitting that I am part of the problem, when I have never actually been part of it.
I think about disability -- I am certain I will need it someday. I can walk and I can do my job because we are up and down, I just can't stand or walk for long periods of time. My spine has not broken YET. It just hurts and feels so vulnerable and I worry about it. I will probably finally get into an Ortho and see if there is any kind of brace I could wear to keep it from collapsing, as I do not want any kind of surgery.
I don't want to be disabled! I want to be strong enough to resuce dogs and help my parents one day soon!
ALL of you, ALL of us have been thru so much -- I cannot even believe everything you all have gone thru, and yet you are still standing. This is such a nightmare, it's hard to believe. I remember my very first days on here, saying 'Wow, all of you are so sick -- I'm nowhere as sick as all of you.' Well, I'm still not as sick as most of you, I'm just taking quite a whipping w/ this depression, my back, and my job.
I used to be so strong and so positive and HELPFUL. I destest who I have become and it does not help when others detest me! (at least my boss doesn't...)
btw, depression was my worst problem while on the 2 mo. of Amox. and then it relented some. LLMD believes that was herx. So maybe I'll improve soon.
I KNOW that if I was my 'normal' self (which is not very normal), I would have told each of these women off a long time ago, and not let them beat me down. I have been so weak it makes me sick.
Thank you all again -- I know where to come when the next wave hits.... I hope and pray you all do too.
Post Edited (+Lyme) : 7/31/2010 5:29:32 PM (GMT-6)
Post Edited (daisyrlb) : 7/31/2010 8:17:52 PM (GMT-6)
Post Edited (Willowrose) : 8/1/2010 2:08:15 AM (GMT-6)
Post Edited (+Lyme) : 8/1/2010 7:09:22 AM (GMT-6)