Don't Make Suicide An Option - LONG

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Mamyou
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 317
   Posted 8/19/2010 12:55 PM (GMT -6)   
If this story will help even one person, it's worth my writing it.  It is weird even to me and I lived thru it.  I don't know if it was lyme or a co-infection that was driving all this but this is how I came to be diagnosed: 
 
Over the last year our business was failing.  I was the accounting person so I had the responsibility of trying to decide who got paid and who didn't, find money when none was available, etc.  We were a union contractor so payroll was priority, etc. etc.  My health started really failing (again...this is after 40 years of being sicker at times than others) along with the business, and about two months ago all I could think about was suicide.  I updated my life insurance, I started cleaning out and giving things away, I stashed sleeping pills, and I constantly spoke about death and dying and hopelessness.  A friend of mine stopped by and I offered her a couple pieces of the pottery she had made and given me.  She told me it sounded like I was going to commit suicide.  I told her I thought it was the only option given the finances and how bad I was feeling.  I told her I could handle everything going on except that I felt like I was dying anyway.  She tried to make me promise I wouldn't do it....I couldn't.  about six weeks ago I had an exceptionally bad day and came home and decided it was time.  I grabbed the (full) bottle of pills, looked at it and decided I hadn't done enough research on 'doing it right', so I took ONE sleeping pill, a slug of wine and a couple 5 htps (they make me relax and sleep) and got some needed rest.  Felt like hell the next day but I did sleep.  After that little incident, I knew I needed to figure out how to get the job done, so I pulled out my book "Final Exit" by the Hemlock Society.  I was now ready.  Or was I?  I was feeling bad enough that I thought maybe if I tried an antibiotic for what felt like a sinus infection, maybe I could think more clearly or maybe make it through a couple more days then feel like 'doing it right'.  I rifled thru the cabinet and found a bottle of Cipro with most of the script left (ok, I know you're supposed to take all abx when prescribed, but it was there....).  I took one that night, took one the following morning, got thru the day (don't remember how), then that night took another one.  By the end of the second day there was NO THOUGHT OF SUICIDE WHATSOEVER...and believe me, financial circumstances hadn't changed.  I'm not really as dumb as I look and it hit me.....If I have no thought of suicide, then what is driving my thinking?  I was scared, excited to have found an answer, and ready to tackle my doctor who will diagnose lyme but not treat.  I called his office and asked for an appt.  Was told he had an opening at 3:30 that day and I told her I would take it.  When I went in I told him this crazy story that I just wrote (short version...he charges by the minute!) and I looked him in the eye and said "It's your job to keep me alive for a few more months so I can at least get health insurance.  I want you to treat me for LYME"  He said "You know I don't treat Lyme" and I said "I know, but I need you to treat me"  He sighed and reluctantly agreed to treat starting that day but made me promise to do the IgeneX (sp??) test.  I did; it was positive.  So here I am....in treatment, whining my way through the entire mess because I'm so sick on the abx, with ABSOLUTELY NO THOUGHT OF SUICIDE.  Is there a connection between this disease and what it does to the thinking process?  I would bet on it.
 
Weird story....You betcha.  Will it help somebody?  Maybe, maybe not.  If it does, I'm glad I wrote it.  If not, I've been called crazy before.....  Has anybody had any experience with lyme this drastic?????

Willowrose
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 699
   Posted 8/19/2010 2:23 PM (GMT -6)   
Mamyou, I'd be willing to bet there are a lot of us here who at one point or another had such thoughts as yours and wondered later where those thoughts came from. I'm glad you got past that. I am attentive to keeping positive and encouraging things around me to help me maintain a healthy attitude. One of my favorite T-shirts has written on it, in tiny letters, "It's Only Temporary." I got that shirt second hand and have no idea of the intended significance, but over the years that I have owned it I've interpreted it in many ways. I've gone through some tough times where getting out seemed enticing. That little phrase pops into my mind and I am reminded of all of the other things I've overcome, and my perspective changes. Thanks for sharing your story. What a great example. One question I have, though, is why do you keep a copy of "Final Exit" around?

Rose
I have Lyme; it doesn't have me.

Mamyou
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 317
   Posted 8/19/2010 3:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Rose....I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1990 at the age of 39. My parents both died of cancer before I was 10. I wasn't going to linger if it got bad. Found the book used and kept it.... Yea, I know....maybe I'm a little bit crazy!!!

CajunGrl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 4717
   Posted 8/19/2010 3:44 PM (GMT -6)   
Mamyou,

I'm sorry you went through that and I am glad that you figured it out. Thanks God your doctor listened. You may want to check for co-infections also. Bartonella can affects the brain and can make you think "those thoughts".
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Caldonia Sun
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 8/19/2010 3:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Not a weird story at all. Monday I saw a homeopath for the first time. He spent 1.5 hrs. taking my history. His opinion is that in some chronic lyme patients, the immune system is actually overactive, attacking the nervous system and is responsible for the depression and anxiety that occurs. This makes sense to me.

I'm glad you decided not to end your life. There is hope.

Willowrose
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 699
   Posted 8/19/2010 4:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Mamyou, sorry you've been through so much. I don't think you are a little bit crazy at all; given the circumstances it makes sense to check out the options. I was just thinking that in your current situation, maybe not having the information so easily attainable might be a good idea. Glad you are doing better.

Rose
I have Lyme; it doesn't have me.

tribalrules
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 8/24/2010 9:33 AM (GMT -6)   
You have been through quite a lot! I am so glad you didn't choice the option you were thinking of.

Lymebean
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 267
   Posted 8/24/2010 7:23 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi, I do remember being where you were. Thank God I found physical and spiritual help. I was at the end of my ability to deal with what my physical body could handle, but did not die, although I felt like I needed to. 13 Doctors later, a lucky number mind you, I was diagnosed. It has been a long and winding road back and I am still not where I was or would be satisfied with being, but I want to live, and so should you. You now know you have Lyme and you can do something about it. You may not get where you want to be, but you may. Either way, you are now empowered and life is worth living! You will be well enough for that!
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